Jan
7
Ms I died, the day after I was able to say goodbye to her, and it was heartwrenching but also I was so glad she did not linger in a poor state of being. She only had to endure a relatively short period of major decline and her body died when she was in deep rest, it was fast and it was peaceful.
Have you heard the saying, grief is love with nowhere to go? Of course everyone grieves differently, but it does sort of feel true, like your heart is full to the aching point with emotions about the person who is gone and it seems impossible that you don’t get any more time with them. I do think that you can grieve someone and let that love be spoken, shared, and amplified, and then that feels like it has somewhere to go. Like how I was able to spend time with her daughters afterwards and talk about her with them, how that felt so sad and so good at the same time.
She was not in my life for a real long time, but she sure did make a real big impact. I’m glad for my relationship with her daughter who did the hands-on work of caring for her the last few years, she is such a sweet friend and it will be good to be with her in a different way as she adjusts to a new way of living.
I think of myself as agnostic, not quite atheist because who can be that confident? I don’t personally believe in a Christian afterlife, heavenly gates or fiery depths. I mean who knows, not me, but here is what I want to believe: I want to believe that when we die, it feels like the greatest sense of coming home. I want to believe that we are all part of the same connected field, that time is just something we humans perceive as linear but in reality everything everywhere is happening, has happened, will happen, it’s all one thing. I want to believe that we are gifted the knowledge of this as our bodies die, that everything that seems separate is not, that everything is one and individual consciousness is part of being a living human.
I don’t understand any of these things I want to believe, only that I want to believe them. There’s a Fiona Apple song, I Want You to Love Me, with these lines: And I know when I go all my particles disband and disperse / and I’ll be back in the pulse. That’s what I want to believe.
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Sorry for your loss. I’ve had similar musings about post-death since my mom died a few years ago. Its a huge comfort to think of her as part of everything and everywhere. Trying not to sound too woo-woo here – I feel very connected to my mom when I’m out in the woods.
This is a beautiful, hopeful vision of what happens after death. I’m so sorry for the lost of your friend.
all that you lost you get back