Mar

2

Smarch weather

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Lifewise I feel like I was barreling along at breakneck speed during the last part of 2025 and now I have come to a slowdown. Settling into this new chapter. It’s been long enough that nothing feels as surreal as it initially did, and I think I am hopefully through the most dizzying rollercoaster loops of Yay!/Oh Noooooo.

And, like, I know it’s not all about ME, but I must say that this whole life under fascism thing has really been at odds with my post-divorce glowup. I mean, won’t this morally bankrupt administration festooned with pedophiles and grifters think of my personal growth while they’re busy dismantling democracy and explaining away state-sanctioned murder?

It’s pretty dang hard to tell the difference between situational and regular depression these days, you know? Do I feel this way because everything is a race-for-the-bottom shitshow, or do I need to touch grass and have a snack? Am I feeling wobbly because I’ve just been through a total life overhaul and my once-tight family unit has been scattered to the winds, or is it because I looked too long into the disturbing amount of white eyeball flesh surrounding Kash Patel’s corneas? Does the idea of getting through the next three years feel overwhelming because I find myself at a sort of middle-age crossroads and I’m just not sure of my next steps, or is it because our nightmare of a president who should by any measure of justice be clutching his McDonald’s-stuffed arteries in the throes of eleventy billion heart attacks has the seeming resiliency of a gas station hot dog just basking away under the hot burning lights of MAGA disinformation? Am I tired because *flaps hands in all directions* or is it because I’m 52?

Also, dude, I’m FIFTY-TWO now. That happened last month and I guess I am mildly pleased to be a round number of years old but aside from that I’m not sure I have a lot to say about being not just 50 but into my fifties. It beats the alternative? I do believe I am fully into the menopause stage of things so there’s that. (Speaking of, I will keep this short but if your once-lush lady garden business is feeling a bit … wilted, and on its way to transforming into a hostile desert environment, topical estrogen cream is the way to go. Easily available now from the telehealth options.)

Let’s see, what else to report on. Well, my friend Marty died, goddamn it. I called him Mark in that post but what the hell: his name was Marty. I was able to see him the day before, and say goodbye in my own way. Like Isabelle, he declined rapidly and the end was peaceful, so that was good. That is two people I really, really cared about in two months, and I will for sure take a bit of a break before getting my next hospice assignment. There is one volunteer lady I’ve met at meetings who has like 10-15 patients at a time! I truly do not know how she manages that emotionally. There are opportunities to help with other things, like office work, so I believe I will do that for a little while instead. I’m also looking to help on Fridays with another organization that works with kids.

I applied for a job that I was pretty excited about. I got far enough along in the process that the friendly, seemingly-interested hiring manager asked me for a complex writing sample, a whole bunch of varied copy for one of their services, which I dutifully worked on and sent off and then I never heard from her again. Totally ghosted, even after I checked back in. That is some real bullshit and something I perhaps very unfairly attribute to a new generation of people in charge of hiring who prefer the Irish goodbye to “thanks but no thanks.” Here at 52 (!!!) I am, like Pepperidge Farm, old enough to remember the lost art of the rejection email. Being ghosted just sucks — no closure, with all sorts of lingering questions. Did my sample blow ass? Did she just take it and use it for free? Did she get fired/die? WHAT THE HELL.

I have been on a few dates! That feels absolutely crazy to say, but it is true, I have. There is a very nice man who lives a couple hours away and we have shared some good meals and hikes and conversation. I am not looking for anything more than that, and it’s been very chill and pleasant and interesting and fun.

January truly felt like it went on forever, then February seemed to just fly by. We had no winter to speak of and spring feels like it’s bulging at the seams nearby, ready to explode into bloom. I have no idea what this year will bring, but I am ready for more change, and curious about it all.