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  • Dissolved
  • Two new delights
  • Less noise, more me
  • Good times
  • Not Ken’s Dream House
  • The joy of different
  • This must be the place
  • All of the feels
  • Life update: endings and beginnings
  • Adapting to the lasts
  • At the same time
  • Take a picture it’ll last longer
  • Horsin’ around
  • Surrender, Dorothy
  • College let-go

Archives from 2002-2006

“Your marriage was dissolved on 8/20/25.”

What a sad, weird message to have sitting in my Gmail, for my own personal digital eternity I guess, categorized with its little bummer “Divorce” label. Dissolved. I picture it: everything that was, stirred in the great glass of right now. Like that, it’s gone.

Well. It wasn’t the 24 years together that was dissolved, it was the legal status of our relationship. We aren’t married any more, but we used to be, and we had many great years and built a wonderful family and had lots of adventures and none of that goes away. It happened. I got to experience it all, and it’s okay that it’s in the past. Nothing about us now can change what was.

I sometimes think that if I’d been able to know how things would go after the divorce, I would have wanted to leave a long time ago. But then our family life would have been disrupted much sooner. If the timing had been different, then I would not have this house I love, John might not have met his girlfriend (!), I wouldn’t have Billy, the most magical kitten in the universe. It all happened the way it did. I got to experience it all, WHEW, and we keep going forward.

That’s in the museum now, I found myself saying a few times when I was visiting with my mom and aunt. The young couple John and I used to be, the new parents, the school years, the four-pack of us, all the wonderful road trips and travels and the laughter and the real hard times. It’s in the museum. I can visit the artifacts and remember, I can’t go back. And that’s okay. It’s okay because that’s how it is, it can’t be any different, and so I accept it.

I accept all the truth of this stage I’m in, that it is beautiful and exciting and hopeful at times and also it is so different and sad. This is by far the most difficult part: I’m not living with my youngest, in his very last year before leaving the nest.

It wasn’t going to be like this; we initially planned to live together as a divorced couple through this final senior year. God, we were the most chill about-to-be-dissolved people for a while, it was like the heavy decision had been lifted and we could just be friendly and even joke about it. Oh, did I leave the kitchen cabinet open again or did he leave his clunky Hokas in my way, well no biggie we’re about to be splittsville pal so any sort of marital nuisances are officially temporary. But then came mediation, and it was awful, it made living together a no-can-do much faster than I had anticipated and so the separation had to happen. There was no scenario that made sense for me to stay in the family home, or for us to sell and both move, what with his big custom built shop. The only way to separate was for me to leave, and so that is what I had to do.

And now I have my own home, I am rebuilding my own life, and I am doing everything I can to make this a welcoming home for my boys as well. We have new routines and fun things: movies in the kitten playground/living room, dinners at favorite restaurants, stops at Dari Mart for strawberry cake and Alani drinks. We’re creating new traditions and routines. It’s been a hell of a lot of change in a short amount of time but we are carving out our new ways.

The worst part about divorcing with kids is that you want so badly to preserve what was for them, hold that good family unit together, protect them from the dissolving load-bearing walls — and you can’t. You just can’t.

It can’t be any different.

And so there is nothing left but acceptance, and the love that helps build anew.

Life has really been coming fast lately and I feel like there are too many things to catch up on but I’ll tell you about two big changes: new car, new kitten.

First – the new ride. I had been hoping to drive my 2004 Touareg until it simply crumbled to dust; I don’t really know why I was so doggedly loyal to that car. It just always felt like Too Much to consider something new, even as the repair bills piled up.

I had a really obnoxious experience with the local VW place several months back involving $5K in labor/parts and a full MONTH of them keeping the car, it was more than the car was actually worth but I was so hopeful that would be it for a long time. But right after I moved out and was in the midst of full-scale Separation Logistics/Woes, the engine light came on. Very et tu I must say. The same frustrating service department told me it was going to be another $3K and at that point I just walked my ass to the nearest dealership (literally, my house is less than a mile from like 4 car sales places) and the first thing I laid eyes on was a Ford Bronco. No research, no plans, just going on VIBES, this is surely the worst way on earth to buy a car but I can’t tell you how incapable I felt of anything else. I had a really decent sales guy, a little goofy but not pushy or slimy, and I drove a couple different models and I settled on this one:

I mean. Isn’t she GORGEOUS???? This is a 2025 Bronco Sport Heritage edition in Ruby Red and I love her. Looks great, feels great, gets better gas mileage, has fancy CarPlay so my phone just automagically connects, all the things. I don’t know that I got the best deal ever but I got through it without the discomfort of too much haggling and that feels worth it. It is such an insane upgrade I kind of can’t believe I waited so long, but I have it now. Now is a real good time for big and small delights, so it was perfect timing. I traded in my old car for peanuts, I could have sold it myself for a bit more money but it was also worth it just to bless that Touareg for the good years and walk away.

The other new addition to my life is Billy. LOOK AT THIS GUY:

I have always loved Maine Coons and never thought I would own one, but I discovered a good breeder here in Oregon and just went for it. There was a whole process of viewing different kittens and the instant I laid eyes on him I knew I wanted him. He cost an arm and a leg and a six-hour drive and the eventual destruction of everything I own and he is worth all of that and more. He is one hundred percent priceless honestly and again came into my life at the exact right time. I received the tough news that John is dating someone while Billy the kitten was sitting directly on my heart, purring, and that was a very helpful way to begin to process that.

Billy is the sweetest most affectionate baby guy, he wants to be on me at all times. He is also an actual madman and the entire effort of sprucing up the house has ground to a halt because what’s a cat toy, EVERYTHING IS A CAT TOY. Every piece of furniture, everything I touch (he’s briefly locked away so I can type this), everything is something to be attacked and explored and it is adorable and mildly exhausting and all-consuming and I think that’s exactly what I need right now.

The big house stuff is done — painting, roof replacement, electrical upgrades, new fence, washer and dryer install — and now that I have a little breathing room it’s nice to focus on Billy and not get too mired in my feelings. The weather has changed and I can feel The Darkness looming (I need so many lamps holy shit) and some big kitten energy is a wonderful balm. I love him enormously and already can’t imagine life without him, even as I am covered head to toe in tiny claw marks. He is even better than the Bronco and that’s saying something.

This is a real challenging season with so many ups and downs but I think I’m doing okay, I’m doing my best to keep my head above water and I have so many good things going on. And now my house truly does feel like a home, like my home, mine and Billy’s. We may not always agree on how exactly fabric couches should be enjoyed but we sure do enjoy each other’s company.

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