Dec
1
Today I received a somewhat startling email from Dylan’s preschool that began, “Hi Everyone! I need to let you know that your child has been exposed to MRSA.”
(My brain, instantly, in Troy McClure’s voice: “Hi Everyone! You may remember me from such emails as I Need to Let You Know That Your Child Has Been Exposed to Hand, Foot, and Mouth Disease, and Don’t Forget About Picture Day!‘”)
I know MRSA is basically lurking everywhere you look, sort of like Adam Levine, but holy crap, man. I mean, this is what my kid’s face is like right now:
(Literally right now, since he’s conked out for a rare afternoon nap.) (In case you thought he was unconscious, or something.) (He’s not.) (But how funny is the arms-above-the-head position? Hasn’t changed since he was a newborn.)
Like, that is basically a giant abrasion/OPEN WOUND across his face, from where he faceplanted on the cement two days ago. It’s all, OH HI STAPH INFECTIONS COME ON IN. Would you be freaking out? I am freaking out a little.
In other news, yesterday I got Riley all excited about the Triumphant Return of Relf, the Shelf Elf and then around 11 PM last night I suddenly remembered that oh yeah, I had to find the goddamned thing, and I ended up tearing through all our storage boxes and sent JB out to root around in the garage and it took about an hour before I remembered I’d cleverly stuffed it inside a Christmas stocking last year. Yay for flop-sweat-soaked traditions!
I know some people think the elf thing is creepy or whatever, but really, is a magic elf any creepier than Santa? Or Jesus? Or OPTIMUS PRIME? Seriously.
Besides, is this creepy?
December 1, 2010:
December 1, 2011:
No. No it is not.
Nov
30
I was surprised that yesterday’s post solved a months-long mystery for me, so maybe I need to be paging the Internet oracle more often. Did my 5th grade crush Dave Gryder ever see past my coke-bottle glasses and horrific orthodontic situation to the the potential girlfriend material that was underneath? Whatever happened to my awesome, comfy black-and-white striped Gap shirt that seemingly disappeared into thin air a couple years ago? How could Adam Sandler make a movie like Punch Drunk Love, then go on to systematically churn out an endless stream of cinematic diarrhea ever since?
Actually, here’s a real question for you: what can I be doing to help my kid stay dry through the night? I’m, ah, talking about the older child, and I’m sorry to potentially embarrass him here but my need for assistance is currently trumping my concern for his someday-privacy. I’ve tried restricting what he drinks in the evening, and we’ve tried waking him up before we go to bed, but the problem is that he sleeps like a log. I mean, it’s nearly impossible to get him up, and when we do, he sleep-walks to the bathroom and bangs into walls and is terribly confused and disoriented and the whole thing is pretty inefficient, if you know what I mean, and I’m also convinced that’s what’s causing the issue. His body isn’t waking him up because his brain is like SNNNZZZZZZZZZ: 404 FILE NOT FOUND.
Anyway, if you’ve dealt with a heavy sleeper, I’d love to hear any thoughts on how to keep them from peacefully whizzing throughout the night.
In other news, Dylan looks like this:
We were picking Riley up from school and like he always does, Dylan went running full-speed to give Riley a huge bear hug (this is ridiculously cute, by the way), and something happened where his feet were all HEY LET’S ALL GO IN DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS and blam. Face, meet cement. Oh, this kid.
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