Aug
17
Hey, why not take your child’s most cherished object and cut it into pieces? Just picture the delight on their face when they discover a severed chunk of their beloved blanket in their lunchbox! Perhaps you could include a little note from Mom: “Quit acting like such a goddamned baby or you’re next.”
Listen, we know your vagina is probably like an old baseball mitt filled with Bubble Yum, but that’s really no excuse not to make at least a cursory swipe at it with a razor once every few months or so, junglebush. Also, remember that it’s okay to have a few personal interests, even though that of course means you’re taking precious energy away from loving your children.
Don’t forget: crying at work is not only professional, it will hurt your pregnancy if you don’t do it.
Ha ha HAAAAA, oh god, we can’t even believe we published this one. It’s like we held a contest to see who could come up with the most condescending, offensive advice possible! (Pam, please report to the front desk to collect your fruit basket.)
Email joke chains are ALWAYS appreciated. There are no exceptions.
Turns out this isn’t technically “true” at all, especially if you take the time to document some of our more useful tips and share them on the internet, but what are you going to do—cry about it? (Of course if you DON’T cry you’ll probably get cancer.) Happy working mothering, everyone!
Aug
16
Boy have the weekdays been dragging lately, and the peekaboo now-it’s-hot-now-you-need-a-fleece cloud cover hasn’t helped. I sort of feel like I’ve run out of energy for Creative Daytime Activities, so mostly the kids are tear-assing around in the front yard riding bikes and flinging rocks (“STOP THROWING ROCKS!”) while I collapse into a lawn chair and peer at them over my laptop, which slowly pan-roasts my thighs to a crisp. This is not quite how I pictured the last gasp of our summer playing out—in fact, I had some very specific ideas about daily nature hikes and all sorts of teachable-moment-laden field trips—but . . . ah, I don’t know. They like the front yard.
There’s some nature out there and stuff. Yesterday they saw a bug.
Those of you with kids, what do you guys do during the summer? Are you doing super awesome memorable shit every single day, or are some days filled with cartoons and front-yard bugs?
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