June 5, 2006

You know those little cylindrical containers of Pillsbury biscuit dough, the kind where you have to peel off the outer cardboard thingie in a process that’s as psychologically devastating as watching someone blow up a balloon for the deliberate purpose of popping it (WHY?), a process involving a horrific suspension of space and time as all the matter in the universe stops motion while the can….slowly….builds…..pressure, and oh god IT’S GOING TO BLOW, and I can’t handle it I can’t handle it oh my god oh my god?

You know? Those?

Okay. I have kind of a “thing” about those dough containers. It’s okay, I can admit it. I’m a little…I find them disturbing. Highly disturbing. I do not like touching them. I do not like the cardboard striptease and I MOST DEFINITELY do not like the startling “pah!” and the sudden emergence of dough, all pale and fleshy and…moist.

Well, I am greatly relieved to tell you that the good people of Pillsbury finally decided to provide a non-diabolically-evil version which comes in a handy pouch. A benign little plastic pouch that does not force you into a terrifying, drawn-out mechanism that ultimately results in an explosion.

Thanks, Pillsbury. Now I can once again enjoy your incredibly fattening biscuits. My ass thanks you, too.


How awesome is this news item: Man proves too fucking stupid to be saved by God.


JB is in Taipei this week for an “international information technology show” (aka Nerdfest Asia 2006) and I’ve already screwed up the TV remote.

I made him write down the instructions for switching between the TV and the DVD, as they are insanely complicated and involve pushing lots of buttons in order to set things to HDMI or COMP1 or URDUM or whatever the hell. We bought a new TV last fall, as soon as it became apparent that movie theater excursions were officially a relic of our baby-free past, and while I love it very much for its ability to show every single pore on David Caruso’s bulbous snout, the whole entertainment system deal that JB has lovingly surrounded it with is extremely complex. One accidental button push, and suddenly the screen is black while the audio pumps out mariachi music.

I followed his directions yesterday in order to play the Baby Einstein DVD that gives me 20 blissful minutes of Occupied Child, therefore I love it so much I want to marry it and have its babies and make all its babies watch it too, but afterward I pushed…something, apparently the button labeled “Stop Working Altogether”, and the TV done went dead.

I explained to Riley that in the absence of Disney-owned programmed entertainment involving octopus puppets and classical music, he would have to find another activity that would distract him long enough to allow me to blow-dry my hair.


Cat doesn’t seem to wholeheartedly approve, but until she starts 1) killing rats, or 2) fixing TVs, she’s by-god on baby duty.


45 Responses to “Dough and d’oh!”

  1. Amy on June 5th, 2006 4:42 pm

    I JUST had that experience with the Pillsbury cylinder of death this weekend whilst visiting my parents, and I don’t want to repeat it. I actually shrieked “aaeeh!” in terror when it popped open. Evil indeed.

  2. CoosKoosKitty on June 5th, 2006 4:46 pm

    I give up, I finally have to speak! I have been a faithful reader forever–I feel like I know you guys!! Anyway, the biscuit thing! I thought I was the only one who was biscuit-canister-phobic. I won’t even toss the can into the shoppiing cart. I handle it as if it were a canister of nitroglycerine. My husband laughs at me for closing my eyes as I open a can. Who wants to hear: “Woman killed by exploding biscuit tube–film at 11!” ??

  3. Beth on June 5th, 2006 4:48 pm

    Can I confess that last week I gave Mia my cats to play with so I could just once go pee without her? This is bad because both of my cats are little boxes of kitty ashes usually kept on a shelf, but they make some noise when you shake them or bang them against the floor and they amused Mia for the required two minutes. Hey, she’d gotten tired of her eight thousand toys and I was desperate. Yeah, you’re right, it’s pretty bad.

  4. Kirsten on June 5th, 2006 4:58 pm

    you actually have vacuuming marks in your carpet…I’m jealous

  5. victoria on June 5th, 2006 5:00 pm

    OK, this time, the comments section was better than the actual entry. To Beth, who entertained her kid with cat cremains? That is priceless. You are my hero.

  6. Mary on June 5th, 2006 5:23 pm

    I am ashamed to admit that I can’t make our big TV work either. I have watched exactly two shows on it since we got it over a year ago. Both times, the kids set it up for me. Luckily I don’t watch much TV, and when I want to I have an old one in the bedroom I know how to work. (read, it has an On/Off button on it) If I want to watch a movie, I watch it on my laptop. I don’t even know which of those boxes down there IS the DVD player.

  7. Erin on June 5th, 2006 5:28 pm

    As a child, I always wanted to open those cans, the loud pop and waiting was exciting. Things were slow in Louisiana in the 80s, is all I’m saying.

    Did you notice the Dough Boy on that website? He is rubbing his belly and saying, “I’m having twins.” The twins being? Your biscuits. He’s birthing your biscuits. The ensuing visual has messed with my head. I just always thought he maybe made the doughy treats, I never thought he gave birth to them.

  8. Jem on June 5th, 2006 5:34 pm

    That link was awesome. I remember another one similar, when a guy went into a lion pit preaching to the lions to convert to Christianity or something, and got eaten. Actually I don’t think I ever read a news link, maybe I just heard about it, so it might be the same story.

    Riley is soooooooooo cute! I’ve been reading you for a couple of years now, but I went through your pregnancy archives last night and it was a fantastic night reading all about how it happened from start to finish (well, not the very start), even if it meant that I didn’t get to sleep until 3am and now I’m late for a job interview. Oops. I better go.

  9. Michelle on June 5th, 2006 5:34 pm

    Bless you for freeing me from the hell of the biscuit canister. Although, my fat ass sends you a hearty SCREW YOU.

    And I think that those lions must have said, “If God exists He will deliver us a fresh and tasty man meal right now!” Who knew that lions would prove the existance of God. A kind and loving God who believes the rest of us should not have to live with an idiot who doesn’t understand that some animals eat people.

  10. Technophobe on June 5th, 2006 6:16 pm

    Two words: Harmony Remote

  11. Maki on June 5th, 2006 6:19 pm

    Too bad that man isn’t around to realize that God didn’t save him. But then since he believed in god before he died, then his god is talking to him in heaven right now saying “Man, I just needed to blow dry my hair and couldn’t save you”. Stoopid people.

  12. Michael on June 5th, 2006 6:19 pm

    Erin’s right. Wow, who knew that the Doughboy is actually Doughgirl? And not merely ticklish but pregnant?

    I guess undercooked biscuits are premature?

  13. Alex on June 5th, 2006 8:23 pm

    Riley looks less “babyish” somehow in that picture. Still cute as ever, though.

  14. Donna on June 5th, 2006 8:24 pm

    God I hate those biscuit packages, and so does my dad, my mom just pops them right open and so does my hubby, but dear god, me and my dad head for the hills, because holy shit, it could blow your hand off when it pops open or put your eye out or smack you in the nose or something. I HATE them.
    And dumb ass that got in the lions cage? Definite darwin award candidate. I laughed my ass off.
    Does cat still have claws cuz I think we may get to test them out soon……..

  15. Sara on June 5th, 2006 9:42 pm

    Okay, that picture of the Doughperson holding his stomach and saying “I’m having twins” is…disturbing. I’m totally with you on the popping thing. Thank god for plastic, right?
    Great pictures as usual — he’s so cute! How’s the cat dealing with Riley? Once ours finally figured out that Lucy would crawl and walk (it happened late for her) I think she started having a mid-life crisis; she’s been licking all of the hair off of her stomach. (Gee, maybe we should have that checked out, right?)

  16. pippa on June 6th, 2006 1:11 am

    Technophobe, that’s a very nice remote and all, but it’s even LESS useful with the charger. I can’t even remember to charge my cordless phones, so am often left answering the phone on the speaker phone on the base. Unless, say, it has a remote beeper on the charger. In which cast, it’s worth $1999, as I am currently being held hostage by my missing Tivo remote.

    Also, the dough grenade? *shudder* I shall now have nightmares upon returning to sleep. Gah!

  17. Emblita on June 6th, 2006 4:35 am

    Ha ha… my husband and I have so much fun when opening those cans. We live in Europe so the cans are in french (and contain croissants), and alternatly say on the outside that it should go ‘POF’ or ‘POUF’ so we make bets with each other on which it will say once it cracks open… and we fight over who gets to open them.
    Yes silly are we…

  18. Kaire on June 6th, 2006 5:07 am

    I feel some what less alone today. I thought I was the ONLY person in the world who had doughphobia. I peel the label off and pray it doesn’t pop then. Assuming it didn’t pop, I then close my eyes and whack it on the counter until it pops.

    Since there are parental type folks here, can I ask … is Elmo a boy or a girl?

  19. Betsy on June 6th, 2006 5:25 am

    My husband is afraid of the cans of biscuits and won’t even be in the same room when I open one.

    And to answer Kaire’s question, Elmo is a boy.

  20. Kristen V. on June 6th, 2006 5:39 am

    Um, hey, the idea of the Pillsbury Doughboy being pregnant with biscuit products is making me so queasy. Did they do any market research before coming up with that brill idea?

  21. ang on June 6th, 2006 6:22 am

    I’m Having Twins???? That is honestly the grossest thing I’ve ever seen. (okay, I’m a mom, so maybe not the grossest, but definitely up there in the top five) I don’t have biscuit-phobes but when I was a small child, I used to cry during the Pillsbury commercials when they poked his tummy. When dough boy did his little squeal (Sigh?) thing, I thought they were hurting him.

  22. Barb on June 6th, 2006 6:23 am

    I have been afraid of those damn canned biscuits all my life…even to this day I cringe after I have pulled the paper off…I kinda hide my face and tap it on the counter waiting for it to explode and eat my entire arm. I don’t have kids…well, Tucker- the dog- is my child, but Riley is the cutest human baby I think I have ever seen!!!!

  23. ferd on June 6th, 2006 6:24 am

    I love the bisquit packages. The package starts the fun of baking the bisquits. I will miss them when they are gone.

  24. DiWriter on June 6th, 2006 6:37 am

    Wow – this might be my first post here…cool.

    And, how happy am I to learn that I am NOT the only person in America who is afraid of the biscuit cans…

    We just moved to a new place, and when I was cleaning out the fridge I found a can that had popped ALL. BY. ITSELF! I showed it to the Husband, saying “I told you they were a menace.”

    He laughed.

  25. Ang on June 6th, 2006 6:52 am

    I heard a story once where a person saw an elderly lady hunched over in the driver’s seat of her car, which was parked at a grocery store. The person approaced the her and asked if everything was okay. The elderly lady asked him to call 9-1-1 because she’d been shot in the head. He did. The medics arrived, tended to business, and found that she had not been shot in the head. . . . A biscuit can from one of her grocery sacks had exploded and the package flew up and hit her in the head. The poor gal heard a pop and felt something hit her and assumed she’d been shot.

  26. Jenny on June 6th, 2006 7:21 am

    Reading these comments makes me feel so much better. Now I can tell my husband that I am not the only crazy who feels that way about biscuits. As if it wasn’t enough that I shriek and make him run around the house to kill a spider, and make him tell me sixteen times that yes, he did lock the front door, but I will wake him up to give him the biscuit can to open . . . wow. I am such a strong woman.

  27. Liss on June 6th, 2006 7:30 am

    I have a lifelong scar on my hand from one of those dastardly Pillsbury containers. It wouldn’t pop, and the genius that I am, used a butter knife to achieve said pop. When the container did pop the sheer force of “pah” sent the butter knife right through my hand. I should demanded reparations for that staypuff’s war crimes.

  28. Lisa on June 6th, 2006 7:52 am

    Looks like he is going right for the pooper or as my father called it when we were kids Mr. Red Eye. What is is about animals buttholes that attracts little fingers?

  29. MRW on June 6th, 2006 9:22 am

    I too fear those damned cans. Every time they don’t open when I remove the paper, I’m supposed to press a spoon or something against the seam to open them and I’v always known that one of these days the damned spoon is going to fling back and take out my eye in the process.

    On a more important note, we call one of our cats Nanny Bunko because she will entertain my 3 YO for about 20 minutes at a time – he loves to “pet” her and read to her. She’s desperate for love, so she puts up with him and now will seek him out. She’s been his “Nanny” since he started crawling and could reach her. Of course our other two cats are freaked and freaked-ier, so they’re useless (as cats are meant to be).

  30. Susie on June 6th, 2006 9:39 am

    Add me to the biscuit can haters/fearers. GAH!

  31. telegirl on June 6th, 2006 10:13 am

    Me, too!! I hate those damn biscuit cans. And helium balloons in a car?! Don’t even make me go there…

  32. Niki P on June 6th, 2006 10:29 am

    Amen on the biscuit thing sista’s!

  33. fifi on June 6th, 2006 11:13 am

    The boy’s hair is starting to look really luxuriant!
    Has Cat signed an insurance disclaimer that will guarantee she never scratches him for pulling her fur/tail/whiskers?
    I, too, was way too amused by Erin’s use of feline cremains. Still, a nice way to remember old friends!

  34. Christine on June 6th, 2006 2:21 pm

    GAH!! The article of stupidness has been made Not Available! I must know! Who was stupid? And what did He-Who-Is-Without-Brains do?

  35. Mia on June 6th, 2006 8:07 pm

    I worked in a grocery store when I was in high school and dropped a tube of said biscuits on the floor. That tube hit just right so that it exploded dough all the way to the ceiling and then it rained little raw biscuits down on my head. Me and the carryout boy about peed our pants, him from laughing and me from the terror of having one of those damn dough bombs go off practically in my damn face. It’s 20 years later and I still handle those tubes like they’re 100 year old, sweating sticks of dynamite.
    Fear the dough people, fear the dough.

  36. Kay on June 6th, 2006 8:42 pm

    Sundry-you don’t know what you have done for my self esteem with this entry! I thought I was the only person in the universe that had this problem with dough cans!
    It is so nice to hear other’s have the same fear, now does anyone hate the metal lids you have to remove from a can (like Spam)? That last part you have to pull it and you are afraid it is going to end up shrapnel in your eye? (shudder)
    And the old lady and biscuit exploding in the car is just an urban legend but day-am that would of been funny (as long as it wasn’t happening to me!) :)

  37. Stormy on June 7th, 2006 3:00 am

    Oh wow. I thought I was the only one with cylindrical containers of biscuit dough phobia! I make other people peeeel and POP! them. My husband likes to chase me with them. Har har.

    Babies love biscuits. My boy, calls them cuts. Heh.

  38. thejunebug on June 7th, 2006 4:44 am

    AHAHA!! I had to show my husband this entry and the comments to PROVE to him I am not alone in my biscuit-phobia. Like Jenny, I will wake my husband up out of a sound sleep to make him open the damn things. They will EAT MY WHOLE ARM, or possibly my hand. I’m terrified of them.

    I seriously need to stop reading your entries and their comments at work. I know I already said this in your ClubMom blog, but Linda + Library is not a combination that ends well. ;) I’ve already had three coworkers ask why I was crying and giggling into my coffee.

  39. warcrygirl on June 7th, 2006 9:16 am

    My grandpa used to call those “whop biscuits” on account of you having to whop them against the counter to open them. I just get the frozen ones in the bag, much easier to manage. And hey, God didn’t put us at the top of the food chain to witness to fucking LIONS. Hello!!!!

  40. Jen Johnson on June 8th, 2006 9:48 am

    Um… Don’t mock David Caruso’s nose! I don’t know what came over me when I began watching CSI: Miami, but I luuuuuurve him. Ridiculously so. I mean- I don’t even *like* redheads. (I have a theory about the redheads’ genes rendering them psychologically unstable- hasn’t failed me yet.)

  41. Marilyn on June 27th, 2006 7:29 am

    Oh thank god…I thought I was the only one with a Pillsbury biscuit dough container phobia. Even after 11 years together, my boyfriend still rolls his eyes when I say, “No, YOU have to open it…it scares me…” Even more pathetic is that he somehow thinks my fear will be cured. I am so looking for those pouches…

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  43. mags on October 12th, 2014 4:37 am

    Your thread came up when I did a search for exploding biscuit cans. What a great bunch of comments! I’m trying to find the name of a book from childhood in which the main character, a girl I think, is trying to solve a museum heist and intentionally throws a can of said biscuits, lightly frozen, on a restroom floor so that the ensuing bang immitates a gunshot. I never imagined what an entertaining thread I would find. Thanks y’all (or rather, yous guys).

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