I’m in the same place as you. I have a boyfriend, we have one mutual friend, and that’s about it. He’s got more friends than I do now because he’s retired so he’s golfing more and meeting people that way, whereas I’m still working. But even my “work friends” are just people I can be snarky with on company time, not people I get together with outside of work hours. We’re all spread out and really have nothing in common other than work. I know people from high school who didn’t move away after graduation and/or college and they made and/or kept friends from high school, especially since they all had kids and their families grew up together, but I moved away after graduation. So I’m FB friends with them, but that’s about it. I see people who have lifelong close friendships and I wonder what that’s like, but I can’t really miss it because I never had it. (shrug) Little too late to start at 59 though. :)

Making friends as an adult (particularly if your children are older) is hard. I have a few close friends (close enough that they count as family) but I don’t have a “squad” and I’m fine with that. As an introvert and a Cancer, I am very selective about who I want to spend time with.
And those online friends? They count as real friends too. You don’t have to know someone in real life in order to be friends.

I’ve had lots of friends over my lifetime, but they came in and out, depending on the situation. I have a handful of what I would consider to be “close” friends now in my retirement years, but none that I would bare my soul to. And, since I am an introvert who has learned how to be an extrovert when needed for a short period of time, having a very close friend would most likely be too exhausting anyway. This is when I wish my sister and I were close, but we aren’t and have never been.

Most of my friends come from doing community theater, which does require leaving the house. But you can participate only as much as you want. You don’t have to be on stage or back stage, you can hand out programs and tell people where the bathrooms are, and then you get to see the show for free. Ans because you’re probably there on a particular night of the run, you’ll end up seeing the same people which eventually leads to conversations.

My mom has only known her current best friend for maybe 5-6 years, and she’s in her 70s, so there’s still time!

I don’t have a squad, but I’m lucky to have a few good friends, even if they aren’t friends with each other. I went to Costa Rica with my oldest friend this past year to bring her late wife’s ashes back to her family; I have two friends who each will happily let me crash at their places any time I want to road-trip there; and I have a good friend in town that offered to take time off this week to support me if I needed to talk about the fact my dad just collapsed and died last Thursday while he was working out.

I’ve never had a squad of girl friends. I’ve seen women who had that at every stage, women who roomed together in college and were a pack of besties, women who travel together, etc and that’s just not me. I was in a sorority, but never close friends with any of them. I’ve had a few close friends over the years and I have a lot of acquaintances. My husband is really my best friend and I’m close with my SIL. I am an extraverted introvert and like being at home so I don’t mind.

I hear you. I never had a large pack of friends, but after high school (which was many moons ago), the few I had dwindled away due to time and circumstances. I had found another bestie at long last, from work – only to have her unexpectedly pass in her sleep at 41. Never bounced all the way back from that. I am close to my sister and SIL, but they both live several states away, so we don’t see each other that often. We are close when in proximity, but when not, shrugs.
I am close to my husband and daughter, out of necessity, I guess! My husband has a buddy, and they call or see each other multiple times most days, and I wish I had a relationship like that. If we lived close to each other, I would be your introverted, messed up, annoying but well-intentioned hopeful friend!

This may be why I don’t dread the idea of the senior living arrangements. It’ll be kind of like college dorm living – new friends at the ready, all in the same stage of life, not knowing anyone when they arrive..
Right now, while I think I like the idea of a close friend, I’m exhausted thinking about the amount of time I’d have to leave the house to make that happen.

Ive been thinking about this a lot lately. I have 2 “best friends” that have been my friends for 30+ years but TBH I see them like once a year and it makes me sad. Can someone really be considered a best friend if all the relationship consists of are occasional texts looking for proof of life?

This resonates hard with me. I have my fiancé and a work/personal friend and my sister, but that’s pretty much it. I was just thinking about this the other day in fact; if my work friend leaves and we don’t keep in touch as much, I will have no one to talk to about any big relationship issues that come up and that just feels so lonely. I’m part of an active online forum, which I greatly enjoy- but I’m only there as a commenter, I don’t have my own journal- so I don’t really have a way to share my own stories. Thank you for helping me feel a little less broken and weird!

I so very much relate to this. I’ve never had a big group of friends. As a child one of my biggest fears was winning one of those “you and 20 of your closest friends….” vacations or parties. I…don’t…have 20 friends. As a painfully shy introvert who is always anxious about what other people think of me, I don’t see how to change it either. It’s definitely lonely sometimes.

This resonates. In the last few years, I’ve made lots of acquaintances who I like and would enjoy being friends with. Its the reaching out to make plans and spending time together initially as friendly strangers that’s so awkward at this time in life. So, I stick to old friends and my small family. Truth be told, as an introvert, I could really be happy without any people around. When my family is bickering and leaving socks on the floor, a hermit life sounds quite appealing. I wouldn’t be totally unhappy holing up alone in a cozy cabin and talking to my dog all day.

All my close friends live far, far away. I wish I had ONE person that I would feel close(r) with locally, but I don’t … and as you said, in this life stage, it’s hard to find new people (and why does everything feel like a huge effort?)

Basically same boat, I think there are so many books movies TV series with these friends group or besties we think this is real and think we should have this too. IRL haven’t actually seen so much and when its only there for a short time or life phase.

I’m a confirmed all-caps INTROVERTED INTROVERT, meaning INFP-T, super-shy and social anxiety up the yipper. I’ve always been like this but have truly leaned back into my hermit ways since covid lockdown 2020. I’m truly happy in my house with my boyfriend, so much so that leaving the house for reasons other than food gathering only happen if they are social obligations that I actually want to participate in. I have one bestie who I see in the flesh about once a year, which I realize is not the “norm” for bestie behavior, but she’s used to me and my INTROVERTED ways by now (we’ve known each other since elementary school).

I have made friends via work and I enjoy spending time with them in the world that exists outside of my street address, but I am what is best described as distant compared to more social people. I like meeting with friends 1:1 and talking for hours, but more than a 2:1 ratio of people means I will a) disappear from the conversation and 2) need to lie down afterwards.

Generally speaking, I don’t like people all up in my shit and groups of people have more of the potential to be ALL UP INS. I’ve been working remotely since 2020 (thanks covid!) and don’t ever want to navigate a cube farm + small talk on the daily again.

I don’t have friends either. I meet people, I have many acquaintances, but no one ever seems interested in more. There are two people that I vaguely see regularly, but I always have to make the move so sometimes I just let it slide. I realized at some point that I must be fundamentally unlikable in some key way, so I’ve spent a bit of time sitting with that and trying to change obvious things. But no luck so far. Maybe I’ll have that lucky future at some point. Here’s hoping.

If your online friends and admirers could all show up to your funeral, it would be a packed house.
My BFF is local (though I don’t see her often due to schedules), but my other close friends here have all moved out of state. Can’t imagine why they wanted to leave Utah, har har. I also work remotely and rarely leave the house except to take my daughter to / from dance classes. I’ve made one mom friend there but we haven’t hung out.
Multiple close IRL friendships sounds kind of exhausting, honestly.

Same. I’m bad at making the leap from casual acquaintances (fellow mom at daycare pickup, co-worker, fellow student in an art class) to actual friend. I always assume people won’t want to be my friend. And that belief gets reinforced when no one reaches out to me.

This is why I don’t think I could work remotely. I have close friends that I met through work and we socialize on a regular basis. I am also extremely lucky that my husband and I have 2 other couples that we like to go out with often. The 3 couples even vacationed together last year and it was fabulous

I *really* appreciate you talking about this because it has been on my mind a LOT lately. (It has been on my to-talk-about list in therapy for ages but stupid shit keeps happening at work and with my kids that always usurp the topic.)

I had a group of friends in college that I have moved away from once I realized I was always doing things they wanted to do and not vice versa. My closest friend is someone I work with and because we talk so much during the week it feels like we both need space on the weekend. She and another work friend also have new babies so we are just totally in different stages of life. I have made some friend through my job but I visit many different states for my job so none of them are local. I have made friends with a mom from my kids’ school but if I think of us hanging out beyond dinner once every few months I can’t even imagine it. She mentioned us traveling together and I thought: no. I guess what I’m saying is I have a lot of casual fiends but no one really close and definitely not a group of people. I wish I had both. I do remind myself my mom has made several good friends in her retirement so maybe there’s still hope.

I’m having surgery next month and it sort of breaks my heart that I don’t have a friend group that will help me or bring my family dinner. I’m sure if I asked people they would be willing to help but I’m not willing to look that desperate.

Social anxiety is a major thing for me and I also think I’m sort of broken when it comes to having close relationships (thanks, family!). 😕 I wish I knew how to fix this.

Same! High school was pure torture but I had groups of close friends in college and then in grad school. But they all faded after I moved out of state a few times. And when I try to reconnect, it’s just clear that they’re not really interested in staying close. Like I find out they were visiting nearby and meet up with other friends but never try to connect with me. I don’t confront them about it or anything – it’s just painful knowledge. Or I’m visiting my hometown – trying to plan my visit around seeing them and they’re like oh let me pencil you in as a maybe. I always seem to get shelved as “distant acquaintance” very quickly. It’s honestly been one of the most painful parts of adulthood for me – losing friends that I really loved over and over. It’s kind of impossible not to take it personally! And now I’m over 40 and I have one friend, my husband, and my sisters. I have raging social anxiety and it’s so hard to make new friends. I count myself so lucky to have my sisters. I wish they lived closer but we do talk a lot.

I’ve learned to limit expectations of other people and distance myself from this ideal of soul-connected relationships with people outside my family. I have ONE friend like that and she is a bit flaky and can never stay in one place. But we always find each other and have across 3 decades now. I do have a friend with a huge squad following her around at all times that always seems to be “there” for her but she’s a multimillionaire who buys people vacations and drugs – it’s all a bit Tanya/White Lotus more than anything else and I think her real friends are her family and maybe our mutual friend from high school. Everyone else is just an enabler/user but it makes her happy to feel surrounded by a crowd. Her prerogative.

I have cultivated very close relationships with my husband, my sister, my nephews and my parents. That is where I get my emotional intimacy needs met. Everyone else is more or less a casual acquaintance that I go out with and I’m ok with that. I think my super close friend making time was in college and I’ve retained 2 from that era I really like (including the flake).

I’m happy to spend time with casual friends, but they weren’t going to hold my hand in the hospital when I got hit with an out-of-the blue brain cancer diagnosis. My dad, my sister and my husband did that for me. I am honestly not sure where to find those types of people or if I even want to.

I can’t tell you how much I needed this. Adult friendships – or lack thereof – have been one of the most painful things to me about adulthood. Some of my disappointment comes from the picture I had in my head of what it would be like… a neighborhood with friends as neighbors, moms that you could go through the life stages with kids, etc…, friends you could travel with, etc… etc… the list could go on. However as an adult I find myself with almost none of that and I’ve spent a lot of time wondering why, when I see so many people around me with those type of friendships.
But Linda, I just had to come on and thank you for being that “friend” to me and I’m sure so many. Our boys are the same age and we are basically the same age. I found your blog when they were very little and it’s been like having that friend who I can go through the life stages with. While we’re very different in some ways, there are so many ways your words have said exactly what I was feeling at the time. Your words made me feel so much less lonely, and more then that, they made me laugh and feel understood. I’m sorry this “friendship” has been the one-sided kind, but just know that you have definitely been a “friend” to me and so many others.

Just read this and all I can say is “me too”. I work remotely, where my company was recently bought out so I literally know NO ONE at the new company. I moved states 6 months ago and again, know NO ONE here. I have no close family or friends beyond my sons. It’s sadly just the way things are now. It hasn’t always been that way, I’ve had moments in my life where I’ve had a group (albeit tiny) of close friends but it’s been a long time since that’s been the case. I think the older we get, the harder it is to cultivate that in our lives. Would love tips from your mom and auntie!!

#same I vacillate from longing for those connections, to the realization that I just don’t have the bandwidth for all that entails. It’s work. And time. Just like any relationship. Also, it’s just so hard to make new friends as an adult. We moved (in 2019) from LA to Portland – no friends or family here. I also work remotely, and though I am very grateful, it feels isolating and lonely a lot.