During our spring break we took the kids to Seattle, our first time going back as a family since we moved. We drove by our old house, which Zillow now horrifyingly ‘zestimates’ to be worth $1,194,500. It sure doesn’t look like a million-plus dollar home, because it is not by any measure aside from Seattle Housing Market Insanity, but it was interesting to see how it’s changed: very little, actually, except for an entire-ass chicken run added to the backyard.

The boys remembered almost nothing of the area, which was kind of hard for me to absorb. You mean you don’t remember the little park down the street from our house, where we walked so many times when you were so very small? No ping of memory from the still-shlocky Crossroads Mall, where we spent I don’t know how many restless afternoons? Not a single whiff of déjà vu from the Kelsey Creek farm and all its once-so-beloved animals?

Dylan has the better memory of the two, but he was awfully young when we moved. Well, they both were, really: it was eleven years ago! (Holy shit look at the tragic vibes in our Eugene house before we moved in.)

We did a lot of touristy things — rode up the Space Needle, marveled at the wildly disgusting Gum Wall, bought those addictive hot donuts at Pike Place, collected sea glass at Alki — and it really did feel like I was a full tourist. I don’t really know how to describe it: sights were familiar, but I had zero sense of belonging. I felt like a stranger in a strange land, no different from the people holding maps and peering around snapping photos.

But it felt weird to feel that way. Like, didn’t I live here? Did I live here? Did those years really happen? Why does it seem like that was a whole different timeline, a whole different universe? I picture all these different versions of myself and the places I used to go and the things I used to do and it feels so ghostly, barely-there dotted line outlines of moments that don’t really feel … real? Is it normal to feel this detached from your own past?

Also, the traffic. My GOD, the traffic. I was relieved to be on our way, to be honest.

Comments

Subscribe
Notify of
guest
8 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Gigi
11 months ago

I get it. Every time I go to Houston, I recognize next to nothing. I get a few glimpses of what was – but it really isn’t recognizable anymore. And the traffic! OMG, for that reason alone, I can’t go home again…to live anyway.

Cara
Cara
11 months ago

Welp. That seals it. We will never be moving. I don’t think my heart could handle my girls not remembering the places that filled our days before school and their own independent lives took over our time.

Elizabeth_K
Elizabeth_K
11 months ago

Did we live there at the same time? I was there from 2013-2017 but was SO MISERABLE in Seattle that my three children say “When will we go back?” and I just say, “never. you can go to college there and I’ll visit you!” Anyway — glad to know you were glad to leave after this trip — I think that is how I would feel, but no need to test it out!

srra
srra
11 months ago

Well that was fun. I always loved Crossroads mall, with its music and open mike nights. Many a summer camp and birthday party for the kids at Kelsey Creek. We lived there for 25+ years and one of the main changes was the traffic.

nic
nic
11 months ago

I lived in several different cities in several different countries on several different continents, and I refer to them as previous lives because when I really think of the details of each one of them and the lives I lived while there, it can never be that that those times were the same life as I am living now.

Tracey
Tracey
11 months ago

I think we live several different lives within our lifetime. You look back on the past and you recognize yourself there but it feels like a completely different life. The upside of this is that when you turn 50 and must acknowledge that you have less time in front of you than behind you, you can also see that you’ve got at least a couple more lives to live, so it’s all good.

Happyshiny786
Happyshiny786
10 months ago

Checking in after many years. I’m so glad you’re still writing. It’s amazing how familiar the boys’ faces are. Take care!

mandy
mandy
10 months ago

I’ve lived in 4 different states now and every time I’ve gone back for a visit it feels that way. Haunting…I’ve always had a difficult time describing that feeling but you captured it perfectly.