January 18, 2007

I will admit I am occasionally prone to exaggeration. For instance, in order to illustrate a particularly challenging couple of hours yesterday, I’d like to say I wanted to cram my darling son into a wood chipper and blow his still-tantruming bits and pieces all over my backyard and plant daffodils instead because holy shit flora is easier than fauna. But of course that wouldn’t be quite true, because the logistics involved with renting a chipper from Home Depot would have been such a pain in the ass, so it would be more accurate to say I felt like wedging my son in my blender and turning it to “frappe”.

However, I want you to know that when I tell you my husband is in a class of his own sometimes, I speak only the truth. Behold:

jbsshame.jpg

That would be JB’s side of the bed, as captured by your intrepid documentarian this morning. With a Playboy on the nightstand. Which, okay, I like Playboy, nothing wrong with Playboy, but for reasons I cannot fathom, there was also a pair of tighty-whities hung carefully over the knob on the drawer, and the combination made such an oh so CHARMING tableau I just had to share.

By the way, JB’s explanation for the underwear is that he wanted some easily-accessible skivvies in case he needs to get up in the middle of the night and deal with “something outside”. I can see the headline now:

Rabid bear attacks Bellevue home!
Area man successfully combats animal, credits fast thinking and a nearby pair of briefs. “You could say I went commando,” he said, chuckling suggestively and repeatedly elbowing this reporter in the ribs. Follow-up reports indicated the man had managed to subdue the bear with a rolled-up adult publication featuring a woman’s exposed “sweet ass”. The ass was later revealed to belong to Battlestar Galactica’s Tricia Helfer.

Comments

36 Responses to “Definitely getting in trouble for this one”

  1. Renee on January 18th, 2007 9:19 am

    Oh my. TOO FUNNY!

  2. Shelly on January 18th, 2007 9:20 am

    Man logic so often escapes me!

  3. Jennifer on January 18th, 2007 9:22 am

    So funny!!!!

    You can borrow my wood chipper if need be. I’m just sayin’!

  4. Amanda on January 18th, 2007 9:24 am

    I was going all “Where’s Waldo” on that picture until I realized what was missing:

    a box of Kleenex.

  5. Mona on January 18th, 2007 9:25 am

    I love that the picture is titled, “jbsshame.jpg”.

  6. Amy on January 18th, 2007 9:27 am

    And there’s a party cup there, too. We used to drink Busch Lite out of those in college. Klassy.

  7. Melanie on January 18th, 2007 9:27 am

    You know, bears ARE America’s number one threat… I’m just sayin…

    …it could happen.

    (Thank you for giving me a reason to get up in the morning! Re-lurking now…)

  8. Allison on January 18th, 2007 9:28 am

    So, you guys sleep naked? Not that’s there’s anything wrong with that. I live in Minnesota, and no one sleeps in anything less than sweatpants and sweatshirts in my house. If I had to deal with something outside, I might have to remove clothing so I could bend my arms.

    Love your blog, Sundry. I have two boys, five and two, and your stories nail life with them. Hey, you want one?

  9. Kaire on January 18th, 2007 9:28 am

    um, our copy of that playboy is on the couch right now. Until I put it on this morning it had my bra sitting next to it. I wonder if JB and I are related. My dad’s family is from out there. Ask him if he thought the hidden bunny on the cover even looks remotely like the bunny because I think they were doing crack this month.

  10. Donna on January 18th, 2007 9:29 am

    Amanda, I was looking for lube, but as we know, that was left in the bathroom by the sink.
    This post has made my day. I laughed my ass off.

  11. JennB on January 18th, 2007 9:35 am

    You are too much! I love it!

  12. Niki P. on January 18th, 2007 9:58 am

    And you had the nerve to wonder where the tube of lube came from when the workmen were there. I think if you move those oh so sexy panties and open that drawer……..JACKPOT!!

    Great entry- thanks for the laugh!

  13. Sara on January 18th, 2007 10:09 am

    A perfect beginning to my morning! (By the way, we are still having “snow days” down here in Portland and, since we are working in public ed., we’ve been at home for days. All of that to say, I’ve been needing some entertainment like…um…that. Or something.)

  14. Kristin on January 18th, 2007 10:10 am

    Does JB have a twin brother? In Pennsylvania? Because I think we’ve just about married the same man.

  15. Bianca on January 18th, 2007 10:22 am

    Not only are the tighty whities easily accessible but if there would happen to be a kegger in the middle of the night, JB is all prepared for that with his red beer cup (and I guess you could say the Playboy as well). Party on, JB!!!!

  16. Pete on January 18th, 2007 10:23 am

    Tricia Helfer is in Playboy? Man I miss those articles.

  17. warcrygirl on January 18th, 2007 10:27 am

    Your husband actually gets out of bed and investigates weird noises at night? Lucky woman; mine just yells at me for waking him up and rolls over. I mean, it could be a bear, right?

  18. Jhianna on January 18th, 2007 10:52 am

    I love this – and I was looking for the tissues and lube too *LOL*

  19. Leah on January 18th, 2007 11:21 am

    My first thought was that he hung them up so he could re-wear them the next day. Because underwear that has been on the floor is not recyclable, but underwear that has been on a sweaty man body all day and then hung on a drawer pull? Totally fine.

  20. julia on January 18th, 2007 11:33 am

    Is it wrong that the first thing I recognized in that picture was the nightstand? If it came in a flat box from the particleboard forests of Sweden, I have the same ones.

  21. jen on January 18th, 2007 11:43 am

    hah! speaking of playboy on the train this morning in NYC i saw a HUGE, honest 400+ lb man, who smelled a bit foul reading playboy. i promptly switched trains because it smelled so bad then again that’s quite frequent here.

  22. Liz on January 18th, 2007 12:17 pm

    His cover story would at least make SOME sense if he hung the tighty-whiteys there every night. Or was he expecting some more sinister than usual outside last night?

  23. Swistle on January 18th, 2007 12:18 pm

    “Flora easier than fauna”–holy crap, you’re not kidding. I have often wondered if I should have gone with my original plan of having a home library (2 stories, with one of those neat wheeled platform ladders and a spiral staircase) and a tulip garden instead of having children.

  24. Emily on January 18th, 2007 2:17 pm

    Firstly: is your headboard from Stickley? It is gawgeous.

    Secondly: JB and my husband are remarkably similar in their affinity for both tighty-whities and Sweet Asses. The latter, I suppose, is not too surprising, but honestly, I thought my husband was the only man alive under 50 who is still devoted to that particular type of underpant. Anyway, you never know; maybe they could scare a bear straight back into the woods.

  25. Michele on January 18th, 2007 2:37 pm

    Ok, so I think this must be a male thing… That edition is currently in his inbox (we have two. My shit to deal with & his. Guess who’s is bigger?). And every night he carefully lays out pajama bottoms or sweats where he can find them in the dark. He usually sleeps in just underwear. Oh – he also sits with his back to the wall in restaurants so he can “scope the place out.” I think it summarizes men perfectly. Staring at boobs while preparing to kill something.

  26. Laura on January 18th, 2007 3:00 pm

    Michele-

    My husband does the same in restaurants, will never sit with his back to a window and insists all blinds be pulled as soon as dusk hits. He also can’t sleep naked because it makes him feel like he “has to pee” all night long.

  27. sooboo on January 18th, 2007 3:07 pm

    HA! My husband also keeps undies by the bed and his response is the ever vague, “just in case”. At least JB is specific!

  28. josh on January 18th, 2007 4:17 pm

    Tricia Helfer, really? Thanks for the sweet ass tip. And make sure to make fun of JB for wearing manties in the first place. Maybe mention the close proximity in size to “something you might find on a sailboat”. But don’t be too hard on him, you might need him to take care of something outside one day.

    Actually, you might suggest that he keep a weapon near the bed for personal defense. Perhaps a walking stick that is also a sword, or an umbrella that’s also a pistol. I hear those are very handy when patroling the yard at night. Wearing only his skivvies, suprise will be his greatest advantage. Raccoons are much more dangerous than they look.

  29. amanda on January 18th, 2007 7:48 pm

    Holy shit that is incredible.
    You are pretty even keeled. That would send my over-sensitive hiney packin’ to some dark corner of the house to obsess about my shortcomings. Damn. Hats off to you, and apparently tightie whities off of him.

  30. Colleen on January 18th, 2007 7:57 pm

    I love that you posted this. Thanks for the laugh!

  31. Melanie on January 18th, 2007 7:59 pm

    That magazine keeps migrating around my house – it was on the floor by the chair, then it was by the bed, then on the toilet tank… I can never find it when I want to read it! ;) My husband just insists on wearing undies to bed in case we’re burgled or attacked in the night. Maybe a nighstand with drawer pulls would change that….

  32. lee on January 18th, 2007 8:46 pm

    i come here looking for some sweet baby observatation, and are instead assaulted with PORNOGRAPHY nad DIRTY UNDERWEAR! i think i want to see more, will you please take my credit card number so i can have unlimited access to more PORN?

  33. PoeticaL on January 18th, 2007 9:06 pm

    Don’t drink anything out of red cups sitting next to porn mags. Just a friendly tip. *grin*

  34. mo from ne on January 18th, 2007 10:29 pm

    When I saw the picture I thought you might have made a field trip to a frat house. Good luck with that.
    Also….don’t blend the boy you might need the blender for an energizing smoothy later. Better to offer him up to the highest bidder and use the money for a Sephora spending spree. When I had those urges with my son I would give myself a time out. It’s easy to say that but very difficult to do when you are trapped in the house with a sceaming, needy child. I feel for ya. Be good.

  35. melissa on January 19th, 2007 7:05 am

    Awwww.

    I would think long underwear would be more appropriate for wrestling bears. Which is why I wouldn’t want to live anywhere bears live…

  36. omu on January 19th, 2007 1:59 pm

    At least the tighty whities are on the drawer and not the floor. The floor kills me. Also, at least in our house why is it that the dogs won’t touch his underwear if it’s left out in the open, but they’ll climb or get into every hamper to destroy mine. That’s so unfair!!!

    We’ve got a stack of Playboys nearly as high as half of our child in the bathroom. Yeah, I won’t touch those with a ten foot pole. Thank goodness I can start to use the, “Hey, put that away, your son doesn’t need to see those til he’s at least 15” speech soon.

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