February 14, 2007

Well, looky here, my man done got me some flars:


Do any of you find that you treat Valentine’s Day as a big game of chicken? Like if you would both just agree to completely disregard the day (not the fake kind of disregard where you say you don’t care but secretly you do and when the day ends with nary a chocolate to be seen you passively-aggresively pick a fight about the position of the toilet lid, or some shit), that would be one thing, but since you can’t, it’s all about figuring out your spouse’s plan of attack so you don’t 1) overshoot (“Um, honey? Can we really afford all these strippers?”) or 2) fall woefully short (“Gee. A Cadbury cream egg. It’s not fucking Easter, you know.”)? Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for love in its many secreting forms, but this enforced business of finding exactly the right Hallmark-branded product to express a complicated emotion (why is there no card for, “I love you with all my heart, except when you make that gulping noise when you’re drinking”?) is annoying.

Although I got flowers out of the deal, so fuck everything I just said. In fact, let’s have more guilt-producing holidays in which I receive floral arrangements, by god.

I made JB a card, because I am practically Martha Goddamn Stewart over here, except for the part where I almost glued it shut (“My love is . . . uh, sealed by your . . . man-glue”). I helped Riley pick out a card, too, and I had this sappy notion of having Riley toddle it over to JB this morning all charming-like, but unfortunately the boy was in a spectacularly rotten mood and choose to lie around bellowing like a wounded wildebeest instead (“Dear Daddy, Roses are red | Birds sing a song | I’m a crabby jackass | Who screams all day long”).

I stopped at the grocery store earlier to pick up some things for dinner, and it was a madhouse in there—all kinds of people buying flowers, cards, and the makings for some complicated meals. It was a rich and sultry atmosphere, which I immediately sullied with my purchases, which included the following:

• Asparagus (Hot! Penis-shaped!)
• Steak (Hot! Red meat! Manly!)
• Whipped cream (Ooh, somebody bring me my salts!)
• Strawberries (Is somebody playing Barry White? Yes yes yes!)
• Mucinex (Ooh—uh, wait. Mucinex? Um.)
• Giant container of diaper wipes (Oh, man. Buzzkill. Totally ruining the mood.)
• Box of “Gentle Glide” tampons, absorbency grade: SUPER (Officially most unsexy bag of groceries in the world. Might as well throw some Preparation H in there and call it a day.)

Well, happy Valentine’s Day. May your groceries be Mucinex-free, your children purged of evil, and your absorbency requirements few.

PS. I almost forgot, in case you haven’t seen this already on That Other Blog I Write, please enjoy the funniest video you will see all day, or possibly all year.


44 Responses to “Sweet wove”

  1. renovatingme on February 14th, 2007 3:41 pm

    Every day is Valentines Day at our house:) We don’t celebrate this holiday held hostage by Hallmark! And when are you going to have another baby?:)


  2. Mary O on February 14th, 2007 3:43 pm

    Hooray for flowers! Even though they may be overpriced for this holiday, they are sure nice to get once in a while, aren’t they? JB did good! =)

  3. Audrey on February 14th, 2007 3:49 pm

    Loved your grocery list! We’re really not doing Valentine’s Day this year — it just sorta snuck up on us with a million other things taking priority, and it’s actually kinda nice not to have to worry about it and then do the fight over the crooked toilet seat at the end of the day. I was in Nordstrom last night and had to laugh at the number of men in the lingerie department…one guy’s phone rang when I was paying and he was trying to make up some excuse about where he was so that his surprise wouldn’t be ruined. Let’s be real, though: if a guy buys lingerie, who is the gift REALLY for?

  4. justmouse on February 14th, 2007 3:55 pm

    valentines day. ya…about that. it can pretty much fuck off this year. i am have a spectacularly shitty day today, and as i have no real love for this particular “holiday” anyway…i’m pretty much disregarding it. i am going to buy a valentiney ice cream cake for my boys because *they* will like it (and not at ALL because i have rampaging pms and need ice cream/chocolate before i KILL someome), and i will order a pizza or two, again becausey *they* will like it (and not at ALL because no one in my house has washed a plate or a fork in about 3 weeks…because they are all waiting for the CLEANING FAIRY to show up, and i just can’t. be. fucking. bothered). no one is getting cards, heart shaped or otherwise. no one is getting chocolate. no one is getting any flowers, and no one is getting any of those nauseating, crappy little cinnamon hearts.

    cranky? me? naaaaaw.

  5. warcrygirl on February 14th, 2007 3:56 pm

    Beautiful flowers! I just got off the phone with Hubby; we got into a “You’re a Redneck no wait you’re an idiot” debate over me dressing up to go to a Cub Scout function. You know, because if you HAVE to dress nice it’s not worth going to if you can’t wear jeans and a t-shirt. Happy VD!

  6. Pete on February 14th, 2007 3:59 pm

    I’m a little more practical; I bought my wife an LCD TV for her exercise room and hung it on the wall. She got me some kissing cows (I love cows). I wouldn’t be surprised if your poem ended up in a card for next year.

  7. Jo on February 14th, 2007 4:01 pm

    Gorgeous flowers – nice work JB!
    And… is it just my mind that immediately went to the gutter with the phrase ”My love is . . . uh, sealed by your . . . man-glue”?? Thanks for making me laugh out loud at my desk :)

  8. robin on February 14th, 2007 4:01 pm

    Wow that is a gorgeous arrangement. Lucky girl, he did do good. I usually denounce it early and the on the actual day I feel like a tool for not acknowledging it and resisting the urge to run out and get something stupid and impulsive like the singing dog I got last year.

  9. Jem on February 14th, 2007 4:05 pm

    WOO! FLOWERS! I didn’t get anything as we had a massive fight the night before, and apparently he didn’t take that to mean “Come over and apologise and make it up to me,” he took it as “Go to your friends house to tune his drums.” Um. However he just called today all “Are you going to be home all day? You’re not going back to bed right?” so I guess I should be expecting a floral arrangement of my own any second now…? ;)

  10. gnometree on February 14th, 2007 4:06 pm

    LOL!! Happy Valentines Day Linda. Well done on the flowers, btw. Our household has reached the playing chicken game stage – so there were no flowers in my house. But on the other hand, there was definitely no tampons, preparation H or antacids involved.

  11. Karen on February 14th, 2007 4:07 pm

    You have the best groceries. I laughed out loud at work and then had to come up with some lame reason why I’m laughing my ass off in my cube when questioned by my nosy coworkers. It was fantastic. Happy Valentine’s Day!

  12. ginger on February 14th, 2007 4:08 pm

    ”My love is . . . uh, sealed by your . . . man-glue.”

    You need to see a doctor about that, sweetheart. Especially if you’re using the Mucinex for a home remedy.

    (What? For about a year, I was half the internet’s go-to girl for crotch rot info. I’m allowed to make a joke or two.)

  13. Kara on February 14th, 2007 4:16 pm

    Happy Valentine’s Day (anyways) to the Sundry household. Hope it’s lovely!

    :) K

  14. Anne L. on February 14th, 2007 4:17 pm

    Awww, pretty flars! Happy V-Day Sundry family. My V-Day shall be very quiet as hubs is working from 5PM till 2:30AM, we are freaking snowed the hell in in central NY, so I will spend my evening shoveling. SHOVELING. Oh, the romance.

  15. ferd on February 14th, 2007 4:23 pm

    Thanks again for another hilarious post!

  16. Emily on February 14th, 2007 4:26 pm

    Happy VD! (Yes, I am lame and unimaginative. Sorry.)

  17. sara on February 14th, 2007 4:26 pm

    i am glad that i am not the only one that gets annoyed with the gulping when he’s drinking.

    drives me up a fucking tree and i have to bite my hand in order to not say something.

  18. melissa on February 14th, 2007 4:27 pm

    My husband bought me a card and a peppermint patty (granted, it was heart shaped). On his way home from work he called and said he was bringing home dinner…..wow, I thought, he NEVER does that! Turns out it was leftovers from a work meeting. So sweet, my man. Sigh. He thought he did so good, too! I told him..thank you very much–I’ll eat them tomorrow but tonight we are getting a burger! Happy V day!

  19. Alexa on February 14th, 2007 4:37 pm

    Mucinex. . .yeah it sounds like my type of event. Because you see, nothing says Happy Valentine’s Day like getting the flu from your boyfriend and thus becoming a giant bag of SARS! Also, supposedly something is waiting for me at my office (I work in the Komo4 building but not for Komo4) and now I’m afraid the rent-a-cops will eat my Valentine’s Day gift. . .they’re mean like that.

    But its not all bad. I was about to watch four episodes of Engaged and Underage on MTV where I learned an important lesson. That lesson is : If my future husband compares his marrying me to purchasing a car then we probably have a problem

    Happy V-Day!

    Time for some Mucinex.

  20. Staci on February 14th, 2007 4:43 pm

    Amazing flowers. So beautiful. Lucky you!

  21. Jennifer on February 14th, 2007 4:48 pm

    Such nice flowers, good job JB!! My V-Day has included a child who has NOT been purged of evil. Better luck next year, I guess.

  22. Liz on February 14th, 2007 5:18 pm

    Meh. Valentine’s Day. My husband is in New York for work. He got to see Spamalot last night for free.

    Oh well. My birthday is Friday (30!) and he says he’s bought me 5 presents so far.

  23. Jen on February 14th, 2007 5:25 pm

    Haha! I had a very similar grocery store experience today. I was totally freaked out by all the people frantically scooping up flowers and shit with hearts on it. My cart was rather a mixed bag though. I decided to surprise my husband, but kinda make a joke out of it. I made a sign that says “Welcome to your very own Valentine’s Day Cliche” to hang on our bedroom door, and I’m gonna light candles, put on some Barry White and a nighty, open some champagne, the works…

    First he’ll crack up, then he’ll do a triple-take seeing me in something besides sweats, and then I’m guessing he’ll say something like, “But we still get to DO IT though, right?” So, all that is to say, I had some chocolate-covered strawberries in my cart, but then I went and ruined it by stocking up on about a dozen jars of baby prunes… cause if the baby ain’t regular, ain’t no one gonna be happy. Or, you know, DOING IT.

  24. JennB on February 14th, 2007 5:40 pm

    Our Valentine’s Day got snowed out, but we had some cards this morning and also some chocolate. No flowers for me, or he, for that matter, but I’ll buy them when they’re not marked up eleventy times for a stupid holiday.
    Also: is it bad if I have totally done that “no it means nothing to me / what do you mean you didn’t get me anything” passive-aggressive picking fights thing over V-Day?

  25. Daily Tragedies on February 14th, 2007 6:05 pm

    In a perfect world, my perfect man would pick out some really thoughtful gift for V-Day, and give me flowers on some other (more reasonably-priced) Wednesday. Also, some chocolate wouldn’t hurt. Perhaps this is why I’m single? And planning to spend the evening grocery shopping? (Though you now have me rethinking that plan…I may be back to Taco Bell in front of the TV.)

    Happy Valentine’s Day to you!

  26. Swistle on February 14th, 2007 6:08 pm

    Every year I totally agree that we are NOT going to celebrate Valentine’s Day, and every year I secretly hope that he will be so overcome by his need to express his love for me, he will go out and buy me some pretty-sparklies anyway. The chocolates, I will buy for myself tomorrow at 50% off.

  27. kara marie on February 14th, 2007 7:11 pm

    This year we decided I would buy chocolate to give to Justin, and then I would eat them anyway. This meant I, I mean he, got some reeeeally nice chocolate. Hooray! I hope this tradition continues.

  28. April on February 14th, 2007 8:22 pm

    OMG “Dear Daddy, Roses are red | Birds sing a song | I’m a crabby jackass | Who screams all day long” my fiance is officially convinced that I am insane, as I busted out laughing at that one. HI-FREAKING-LARIOUS.

  29. Jenny on February 14th, 2007 8:28 pm

    I am TOTALLY guilty of the “fake kind of disregard” you describe above. That was spot-on.

  30. Liz in Australia on February 14th, 2007 8:33 pm

    Such pretty flowers… We don’t do VD here either (it’s not quite as pervasive in Australia, so it’s not like we’re being hugely subversive as much as lazy). My Beloved has been off work all week with bronchitis, which kind of killed the a) romance and b) possibilities of sneaking off the the expensive chocolate shop across the road from his workplace. I have him well trained about what I like *g*

  31. Lola on February 14th, 2007 8:45 pm

    That video is so cute. However, this is the funniest…I-dare-you-not-to-laugh viral video ever… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oHQeNDwRS2o&eurl= it warms up about 1:45 into the video.

  32. Lesley on February 14th, 2007 8:53 pm

    The flowers are gorgeous!

    Speaking of laughing babies, have you seen this famous youtube baby?

  33. Dad Gone Mad on February 14th, 2007 9:09 pm

    You had me at “flars.”

  34. diane on February 15th, 2007 3:52 am

    The clip of your friend’s baby is great.I just love the sincere belly laugh. This is one I watched over and over!!

  35. Joanne on February 15th, 2007 6:41 am

    That video is really great, he is the cutest baby. And I love the way the Dad is quietly like ‘can you believe this?’

    We don’t do flowers or anything either – I have had to really beat it into my husband because he’s definitely into sending flowers, etc. But I can’t stand the economics of it, it just seems ridiculous to me that flowers that cost $25 at one point in the year cost $100 on Valentine’s Day. We did exchange cards, but since I had been snowbound in the house for the first two days of the week, I had to go out last night and root through the mess that was left at the store for one. We did have dinner and wine while we watched American Idol and Lost, that’s pretty romantic, huh?

  36. LizzyBee on February 15th, 2007 8:54 am

    You are so funny! I love reading your blog!

  37. Katie on February 15th, 2007 9:33 am

    Hilarious. HILARIOUS! I never, ever realized I treated it as a giant game of chicken until you put it into words. My husband walked into the dining room yesterday and put a present and a card on the table and said, “Dont’ open it until tonight.” He KNEW I hadn’t gotten anything yet….so I had to stress about it all day. ANNOYING. I hate stupid V-day.

  38. Sonia on February 15th, 2007 10:02 am

    ROFL! You crack my shit RIGHT up!

  39. Cara on February 15th, 2007 10:05 am

    pretty flowers! I don’t much do the whole V-Day thing. However Diet Coke does burn coming out of your nose when you read “sealed with your man glue…..” That baby’s laugh was AWESOME.

  40. gabby on February 15th, 2007 10:19 am

    We totally don’t celebrate. And there is no guilt inducing pouting either. It’s just not something we do (however, both our birthdays are in Feb which is how that decision came about a decade ago, so….). Also, I may be the only woman in the world who doesn’t like getting flowers, so that gets him off the hook for a lot of things! It was just a random Wednesday in our house with a half-thought “happy valentine’s” thrown out at some point.

  41. Melanie on February 15th, 2007 8:38 pm

    You had to go and ruin everybody’s sexy V-Day grocery store buzz, didn’t you? Actually, we finally gave up on Valentine’s Day this year. In the past I did the whole passive-aggressive “oh, no, don’t get me anything, but if you actually don’t get me anything I’ll sulk pathetically for a week” thing, but this year I decided, what the hell, I hate the holiday, it’s lame, I give up. Though I did print out an awesome vintage card about wanting to eat my valentine and give it to my husband (which doesn’t really count, because it was just on a piece of paper, not folded up all card-like). And Boyo did get Daddy a card, too. We had an ice storm so I didn’t have to work and we got to all eat Chinese food. Except Boyo, who got sick and puked all night.

  42. Sara Wilson on April 5th, 2007 12:54 am

    Excuse, and what you think concerning forthcoming elections?

  43. emma on April 9th, 2007 2:41 am

    cool blog!

  44. Timoty on April 15th, 2007 11:09 pm

    cool blog!

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