The worst part about being away from home and having JB gone is the stretch of time between about 9-11:30 PM, after everyone else has gone to bed and I’m sitting in my in-laws’ living room with only the chooka-rrr . . . chooka-rrr of Dylan’s swing to keep me company and there is no TiVo there is no TiVo dear god there is no TiVo.

Otherwise things are going very well; if I am occasionally bored and restless it is also true that I would be about a thousand times more bored/restless at home on my own. I was lying in bed last night listening to the tiny whuffling sound of Dylan’s breathing and the occasional mattress squeak of Riley shifting his weight in the bed in the next room and I realized how grateful I am to not be alone with the kids for the entirety of JB’s trip — not that I couldn’t handle the day to day stuff, exactly (although honestly I’m not 100% entirely positively sure that I could have, ha ha ha ha AIEEE), but it’s just so much nicer to have people around to help. Especially in the middle of the night when I would otherwise be entertaining creepy visions of masked robbers bashing in the front door and heading down the hall to menace my defenseless family, which could happen here too I suppose but I’ve got a Nam vet one door down whose belief in the Second Amendment borders on frothy-mouthed mania so EAT HOT LEAD HAMBURGLAR.

I am also glad for the presence of other adults when Riley’s pitching his fifteenth shrieking fit of the day, because nothing is quite so sanity-preserving as the ability to roll your eyes at someone else while your kid is acting like a deranged rhesus monkey. We have entered somewhat of a Tantrumy Stage lately, or maybe I should say an Even More Tantrumy Than Normal Oh Help Me Jesus Stage, and his father’s absence doesn’t help matters. I mine myself on an hourly basis for deeper reserves of patience but there is only so much a person can take before they slit their eyes at their sweet young son and hiss “Stop that horrible noise or I will have you deported to Mars where you belong.” Which is to say the ongoing distraction of a grandparent taking Riley for a walk or reading him a book or simply being present to help absorb some of the unholy racket along with me is a great help.

I left the house on my own yesterday to attend a class called “Turbo Kick” at the local gym, which just by itself was an activity for which I feel I should maybe receive a Purple Heart (a GYM! A gym I’d never been to! An unfamiliar class full of strangers! The possibilities for various forms of humiliation were endless!), but it turned out to be entirely awesome — the format was very similar to Turbo Jam so for once I wasn’t the jackass in the back of the class going, wait, what the fuck was that arm thing you just did?, and I was stupidly thrilled to be out and about with no kids in tow.

Less thrilling was the realization halfway through the class that the white t-shirt I was wearing was a poor choice, as it got unflatteringly clingy and vaguely see-through as the class wore on, revealing bit by bit that my ill-fitting sports bra wasn’t exactly Taking Care of Business — my hooters, having been flung this way and that, had become all whomperjawed, with one nipple (shamefully making itself known thanks to the exercise/sweat combo) way over there and the other (equally flagrant in its display) way over here. If there is a way to casually and unobtrusively adjust one’s breasts in a room surrounded by both people and mirrors, I was sadly unable to figure it out, and so ended up rooting frantically down the front of my shirt as if I were trying to forcibly take myself to second base. I should watch it, really, this is a VERY small town and that’s exactly the sort of thing that could land me in the front page of the local paper: WOMAN MAULS OWN BOOBS IN PUBLIC, EXPLAINS ONLY THAT THEY ‘WEREN’T BEHAVING’.


35 Responses to “Exposure”

  1. annie on April 10th, 2008 1:39 pm

    HAHA! Your stories always crack me up! Hope you find a black t-shirt to wear to your next class…

  2. kirida on April 10th, 2008 1:40 pm

    Anne Nahm described the nip-dilemma best: it’s like a wonky eye and you don’t know which one to look at.

  3. Liz J. on April 10th, 2008 1:43 pm

    LMAO…I have to say that I have only enjoyed the absolutely hilarious reads since joining your mailing list (i’m colamum on parentdish). I hope that time passes quickly till your hubby gets home and things become a bit easier for you :)

  4. Eric's Mommy on April 10th, 2008 1:44 pm

    Oh you crack me up!

    Also, I think I would die without TiVo, I’m not sure how we lived without it.

  5. Kelly on April 10th, 2008 1:47 pm

    I am having a major boob issue too. I’m so glad someone else can relate. I’m nursing, so my boobs always seem to big (before feeding) or too small (after feeding) for my bras. Therefore, I am always dealing with the nip slip. Arghh. Nothing says “hello” better than a wayward nipple sticking out, right?

  6. Melinda on April 10th, 2008 1:59 pm

    OMG I have SO been there with the sportsbra wardrobe malfunction at the gym. Thanks for making me laugh about it. Hope you enjoy the rest of your visit with JBs parents.

  7. Becky on April 10th, 2008 2:01 pm

    Amen Kelly….why is it always so embarassing to adjust ones boobs..when men have NO PROBLEM adjusting themselves in public??? Is it because we are the more advanced sex?

  8. Tessie on April 10th, 2008 2:05 pm

    I sort of love it when my daughter tantrums out in front of the relies because it’s like a sick sense of validation or something. Like, SEE! I TOLD you she was a hellbeast!

    Instead of the usual “if a toddler tantrums in the suburbs and no one’s around to hear it, does it make a sound”? thing.

    Or. Wait. It has to be YOUR bull. (um, are Tommy Boy references still relevant?)

    Nevermind. Anyway, I feel you on this.

  9. SherE1 on April 10th, 2008 2:06 pm

    I used to have a gym membership before child 3 and 4 – I had no problem going alone. Now I have this irrational fear of hitting up a gym which is probably due to “the possibilities for various forms of humiliation”. I don’t know what’s different from then and now? Kudos for you for being so brave – in another city none-the-less!

  10. Emily on April 10th, 2008 2:10 pm

    Heh … stories like that make me a little less bitter about how, when I finally lost my 20 pounds, I lost the majority of it in my rack.

    Oh! On a completely unrelated note: have you ever listened to the Detroit Cobras? Totally BOSS, and very work-out-to-able. Kind of like the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, only bluesier. “Putty in Your Hands” will make you chair-dance like a mofo.

  11. Carolyn on April 10th, 2008 2:15 pm

    EAT HOT LEAD HAMBURGLAR? That is awesome. I wish I could find just one instance in my daily life where I could say that. Sadly, I’m quite anti-gun so it would seem wildly out of place.

    And the boobs. not behaving? Classic.

  12. Kristen on April 10th, 2008 2:29 pm

    Is it sad that you haven’t posted in 3 days and I MISSED you?

  13. Heather on April 10th, 2008 2:29 pm

    “ended up rooting frantically down the front of my shirt as if I were trying to forcibly take myself to second base.”
    This line totally made me LOL! Thanks for the laugh, I really needed it!

  14. Jill on April 10th, 2008 2:33 pm

    whose belief in the Second Amendment borders on frothy-mouthed mania so EAT HOT LEAD HAMBURGLAR.

    Clap clap clap. Awesome.

  15. clarabella on April 10th, 2008 3:10 pm

    Hahaha! I too laughed out loud (in the library, oops) at you feeling yourself up. I also feel your pain. Why on earth is it so hard to find a sports bra that both works and fits? Gah–at least one reason I’m glad my yoga classes are dimmed.
    My 11 month-old son has already started throwing temper tantrums (ah, why did I say I hoped he was advanced?), and we’re going to visit my parents soon, so that should be fun. I can already see my mother standing in the corner, smirking.

  16. Rachael on April 10th, 2008 4:28 pm

    I LOVE TurboKick. One of the nurses at my college leads a class, and I’m totally addicted. Someone recently told me that it’s similar to TurboJam, so I’m glad to hear that I’ll be able to keep up my “disciplined” exercise routine once I graduate. Anything that allows me to both crunch the bejeebus out of my abs while also pretending that I am even a little bit coordinated is all right by me.

  17. Stephanie on April 10th, 2008 5:47 pm

    I love my turbokick class! Oh, and buy an Enell sports bra. Those girls won’t go ANYWHERE. It’s ugly as sin, but it works!

  18. Lesley on April 10th, 2008 6:25 pm


    I learn something new every day.

    Glad to hear you’ve got support and company and are enjoying yourself.

  19. Jessica on April 10th, 2008 7:32 pm

    I just got back from a visit with my parents, toddler in tow, because my husband is also out of town for FOREVER for work. My mother cares for my 1 year old niece, and you’d think that a ratio of 3 adults to 2 toddlers would be OK. Yeah, no, not really. Just a bit with the crazy-making. But it was way better than just me and the Tomboy alone at home for a week and a half (my best friend and her kids are out of town for 2 weeks as well, so no help there either). Hooray for grandparents! Hope you survive the extended trip – at least you’re getting out of the house by yourself occasionally. I gotta say, though, cliched as it may be, there’s no place like home. :-)

  20. All Adither on April 10th, 2008 8:38 pm

    If only MY boobs would go way over here and way over there. I’d be a happy woman. They just sit in one place. Staring at me. They are too small.

  21. Janet on April 10th, 2008 9:13 pm

    Love Turbokick classes! It is the gym licensed version of Turbo Jam. After my first class I told the instructor I felt like I was in the DVD and she was thrilled that I knew about Turbo Jam. I think it would be really fun to take a class with Chalene!

  22. Lisa on April 10th, 2008 9:48 pm

    You are lucky you have your in-laws there to help you wrangle the kids. My husband leaves next week for 2 months and Im not sure how Im going to survive on my own. I’ve contemplated flying back to the States to stay with family, but that would require about $3000 that I don’t want to spend as well as a miserable overseas flight with a toddler and a fetus. Maybe I should put an ad on Craigslist to see if anyone wants to come keep me company. :)

  23. Lisa on April 10th, 2008 9:49 pm

    You are lucky you have your in-laws there to help you wrangle the kids. My husband leaves next week for 2 months and Im not sure how Im going to survive on my own. I’ve contemplated flying back to the States to stay with family, but that would require about $3000 that I don’t want to spend as well as a miserable overseas flight with a toddler and a fetus. Maybe I should put an ad on Craigslist to see if anyone wants to come keep me company; two months of free housing in Japan! :)

  24. Wendy Murphy on April 11th, 2008 4:29 am

    Regarding tantrums – my daughters would stop quite quickly after my husband would announce that he could whine/stomp/throw himself on the floor more/louder than she could.

    Once he actually threw himself on the floor and had a fit in aisle 3 at Shaw’s. She was the best behaved little girl for the rest of the day! (And the looks on the other shoppers faces were priceless.)

    Yeah for good inlaws!

  25. Chris on April 11th, 2008 6:34 am

    How lucky you are to have such loving grandparents to rely on…and even luckier that they live in such gorgeous surroundings.

    After looking at your pictures, I am always so totally jealous, as it is so beautiful there and so blah here.

    Enjoy your time with the g-parents and the time will fly by, even without the Tivo.

  26. superblondgirl on April 11th, 2008 7:46 am

    I love the phrase “trying to forcibly take myself to second base”. I started snorting when I read that and haven’t quite recovered.

    I’m sorry about the Tivo. I don’t have it, either, so I can commiserate. My life is slightly sadder when I think about how I could have Tivo and don’t.

  27. MRW on April 11th, 2008 8:41 am

    I don’t know why I thought it was safe to try to drink coffee while reading this post. Must go wipe down keyboard now…

    However, no TiVo is not funny. The horror.

  28. Suki on April 11th, 2008 12:43 pm

    ‘Explains only that they weren’t behaving’…that is hysterical! And there could be a corresponding picture of you shrugging, like what do you want me to do people??

    My sister and I went to the gym TWICE while on vaca in Florida last summer. We were very smug and boastful about this (apparently I still am, sheesh).

  29. Donna on April 11th, 2008 1:06 pm

    Funny, funny, funny. . .

  30. Tara on April 11th, 2008 4:54 pm

    Not only is Chalene the great mind behind both Turbo Kick and Turbo Jam, but (a while back, on her blog) she found the answer to misbehaving nipples everywhere–Dimrs. Google ’em. :D (Friends have tried them & swear by them!)

  31. danielle on April 12th, 2008 10:23 am

    So glad you have someone to help you through the tantrums…I’m actually a bit jealous! :)
    Oh, and the nipples….jeez, it sucks being a woman sometimes, huh??

  32. Pete on April 12th, 2008 2:45 pm

    Some how all’s I could think of was Marty Feldman’s eyes.

  33. Kim on April 12th, 2008 8:29 pm

    Very Funny, that made me laugh and I think I’ll feel better about going to the gym tomorrow.

  34. Pickles on April 17th, 2008 3:01 am

    Gosh, I know this is going to sound stupid, which is why I don’t often comment on blogs – and I’m late commenting on this one. But, I’ve been there with the pregnancy/kids thing and understand. ;) Linda, I truly had a heartfelt feeling about what you said regarding your (FIL?) NamVet… I’m married to one, and have always felt so safe with him. They wake up, truly alert and tough in 1/2 second, and no matter what the “little” noise may be, my husband will check it out. I’m so grateful to have him and very proud. I’m glad that you felt safe while you’re husband was out of town and that you mentioned why. I love your blog and try to keep up with it! Thanks for being there and being true… :) from Pickles

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