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May
11
Riley has what I suppose is his first best friend, a boy named A. whose family moved here from India a couple years ago. They are in the same preschool class and I suspect A.’s interest in Transformers has a lot to do with Riley’s current obsession with Autobots and Decepticons and “Octomus Prime” and Bumblebee and Oh My God There Are So Many Fucking Transformers I Can’t Even Name Them All Oh Wait Yes I Can Buzzsaw Hound Ratchet Starscream Etc Etc Etc Etc.
A’s mother was nice enough to propose a play date a while back and we’ve met them a few times since, usually on a weekend afternoon at a playground where Riley and A. can go nuts and Dylan can scurry after them, beaming with the deranged joy of a younger brother getting to play with the big kids.
Last Sunday we congregated at a park so Riley and A. could ride bikes (with Dylan toodling around on his tricycle) and A’s mom asked us where Riley was going to school next year. A. would be moving on to kindergarten at a public school; was Riley?
Well, I said, and kind of trailed off for a minute.
The thing is, we don’t plan to do that, and it suddenly felt like an awkward conversation, like the fact that we were making different choices somehow underscored that one was right and one was wrong. I mean, I know better, but still.
Riley’s birthday is August 31st, so he will be five on the cutoff day for kindergarten. Which means we could send him to regular kindergarten, but he would be the very youngest child in class.
I have no doubts he would do perfectly fine academically, because he’s a smart kid who mastered the basics a long time ago. I’m less sure about his maturity level, his emotions, and his ability to pay attention.
His center has a kindergarten program, so he can stay there another year and get the same level of education he’d get in a regular school. It’s another year of siphoning our checking account nearly dry every month, but of course public kindergarten with before and after school care wouldn’t be inexpensive either. That’s another thing: I really, really hope by the time he is going to public school—the big cheery-looking one just a few blocks away, assuming we still live in the area—that we have the sort of schedule that allows one of us to walk him over there in the morning and pick him up in the afternoon. I don’t want him to have to stay after school is over, waiting for one of his parents to get off work.
Anyway, I hope we’re doing the right thing keeping him in the same place for now. I’m kind of saddened to think about his best friend moving on while Riley stays in the same place, but they would have separated anyway. It’s just hard to know who will be getting the better experience. And how much it varies by kid, and by teacher, and by a thousand other factors that are impossible to predict.
In other confusing developmental news, Dylan has decided he is terrified of lawnmowers. The trigger for this happened a couple weeks ago when someone had a leaf blower nearby and the noise scared the shit out of him. He flips out every time we leave the house, crying and screaming and wanting to be carried, and if there is even a distant drone of a lawnmower—which is nonstop this time of year while the grass is growing like gangbusters—he refuses to be outside. Last weekend, when we finally had two consecutive days of amazing weather, I couldn’t get him to come in the backyard at all. If we forced it, he stood there shrieking until I thought he was going to barf.
I’d put headphones on him, but, well, HA HA HA HA no. This is the same kid who will Firestarter your face off if you try and put his hood up, so.
It reminds me of the stage Riley went through where he was scared of planes flying overhead, and man, that went on for a long time. I don’t think anything helped, it was weeks of screaming and running across the backyard to get away from the jet buzzing 25,000 feet above his head.
So! Any advice or war stories about kindergarten cutoffs and whether to send a kid or hold them back, or toddlers who refuse to go outside right when the weather finally lets us leave the damn house? Or if neither of those topics interests you, how about potty training, because hey, I’m kind of flailing at that, too.
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179 Responses to “Milestones and indecision”
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Ok, the lawnmower issue, you are on your own with THAT suckage! Good luck with that!
The kindergarten thing: My SIL had a similar issue. My nephew (8) is freakishly smart to the point where I (30) won’t play educational games with him because I feel like a mouth-breathing cave dweller! He was right on the cut off too and the school recommend that he start, but my SIL felt that he would do better, maturity wise to stay in his grade. Since then, they’ve recommended him skipping grades, but she maintains that he is not mature enough to handle it (which he’s not). However, then they dealt with the battle that his grades SUCKED because he was so bored. The solution was to supplement him with “advanced work” to keep him engaged, but still keep him with peers his own age (where, maturity-wise) he needed to be. I think that if Riley is getting educated at his daycare then I would keep him out also. There’s just so much of a maturity level difference sometimes that it can be distracting. You, obviously, know your boy and what he can handle. But I think the maturity issue with boys is (sadly to say) different from girls.
On a side note, these college courses you’re taking will come in handy when the boys start bringing home homework. My daughter (9) brings Math home and I usually runaway screaming “Call GRANDPA! He has advanced degrees in engineering! MY EYES! MY EYES!”
My son is just a few months younger than Dylan. We recently bought him a bubble lawn mower from Costco, and he LOVES it. Perhaps having his own lawn mower would help him get over his phobia? Maybe show him a few videos of lawn mowers on youtube or something, where he can check them out and you can control the volume? Good luck, and I’ll be standing by waiting on potty training advice!
My boy was born on our cutoff day. Smart as hell from a young age, but a very sensitive little guy.
We elected to hold him, and haven’t regretted it for a day. I have seen lots of kids who were too young to move up and have yet to meet a parent who regretted waiting a year.
My son’s 5th birthday was in July, and although an educator firmly recommeded that boys with summer birthdays be held back a year, I knew better. Within a week I realized that we had made a bad decision and reversed back to a church daycare/kindergarten program for a year. He is now 17, and I would hold him back that year given the chance again.
No stories about refusing to go outside… but kindergarten YES!
My birthday is 10/28, and many moons ago in NY the cutoff was 11/1… SO I was always THE youngest kid in the class. I didn’t learn to drive until my senior year, I went to college at 17. If I had been held back a year I think it would have done a lot for my self esteem, not to mention the fact that I was NOT ready to go to college at 17! My son is 15 days from the cutoff date – we are very strongly considering holding him back. Again, academically NO PROBLEM – he’ll take on any older kid, but um… maturity-wise – he’s staying put. Here in OH there is something called a Geselle test – it looks at a child’s maturity. Kindergarten where my sons go requires it… you might look into it locally. It’s given by a psychologist, takes maybe 10 minutes & cost us $35. Not a bad price to pay for peace of mind. The psychologist asks them some questions, has them do some tasks & basically watches what/how they do what is asked of them. Easy Peasy.
ALSO boys seem to develop maturity at a later date than girls – another reason we are most likely holding him back.
Whatever works in your house for your family is what is right for you. Same goes for other’s houses – might be something completely opposite of yours, but hey, if it works – rock on!!!
There’s a big difference b/w the daycare Kindergarten and the school one, so one thing to consider if what happens in Grade 1? Which I assume is next year? How will he adjust to being in a new school with a more formal environment all of a sudden?
With no judgment.
My son’s bday is Aug 30th so I feel your pain. He was very academically ready – but not socially or emotionally. We decided to keep him in preschool for another year and start K the next year. He’s just finishing up 1st grade now and is perfectly adjusted – best decision for us. Your decision sounds like a good one also :)
My kids didn’t potty train until well after their 3rd birthdays because I was too lazy to deal with it!
Dude, you’re on your own with the lawnmower issue. Ayeeeeeeee!!!
I would HIGHLY recommend holding off on kindergarten for another year, like you plan on doing. My son’s birthday is August 21st and I DID start him when he was barely 5. You’re absolutely right: academically they may be ready, but socially, maturity wise, focus, concentration, emotionally, endurance-wise…they are not. And while it might not be an issue during kindergarten (our’s was 1/2 day), it will surface at some point. My son is now in 2nd grade and we’ve just pulled him out of school to homeschool because of various problems, mostly with his specific school, but 1st grade was a challenge. He just didn’t have the stamina at barely 6 to endure a whole day of sitting still, learning, focusing… I’ve been saying for the last year that I wished we’d waited to start him in school until he was 6. Little boys learn best thru gross motor skills and classrooms are geared for fine motor skills.
I could go on and on, but I tell anyone who is on the fence to WAIT. You certainly aren’t going to do him any detriment by making him wait, but IMHO you could by sending him too soon.
Just my two cents.
Aileen: the idea is to keep him at his daycare kindergarten this year, put him in public school kindergarten next year — not move him right into Grade 1.
Do whatever you think is best for him based on the two options. Really.
The Kindergarten cut-off up here is December 31st and Graham’s birthday is December 29th, which means that he wasn’t even five yet when he went to school. We had lots of people tell us we should hold him back based on his age but his preschool teachers told us they thought he was ready.
He was definitely younger than the other kids on a maturity level, but had (still does) a great group of boys in his class. He’s now in second grade and you’d never know he’s the youngest kid in the class based on his performance at school.
I’ve enjoyed reading you for some time now b/c our kids are the exact same ages, except mine are of the feminine variety.
Anyway, my oldest Elena has her 5th birthday on August 24th. We have decided we are definitely sending her to kindergarten. I kind of think of it as a “free” year since she’ll be the absolute youngest, and figure I can always redo kindergarten if it doesn’t work out. Hopefully that wouldn’t be too psychologically damaging?
But we are all sorts of stressed about *where*. Our public school, which is only a 3 minute walk away, doesn’t really impress us, so we’ve been looking into charter schools and our school district’s Spanish immersion/dual language program. My husband definitely wants a certain charter school we’ve gotten into by lottery. I definitely want the Spanish immersion program. (hello, we are in Texas and my girls are half-hispanic thanks to him and he hasn’t bothered teaching them a lick of Spanish despite being fluent).
So there. I just one-upped your problem with my own.
Who knew KINDERGARTEN would be so darn stressful!??!
We have chosen to homeschool and that always makes for squirmy conversations. I just say, “We are doing what is best for our family.” Most people think we are religious freaks (we’re actually atheists), but explaining the incredibly complicated decision making process is too much and makes me sound defensive. Do what is right for your kid and the cool people in your life will accept it and the others will fade away. I think American kids go to kindergarten too soon anyway, so stick to your guns.
I think you’re doing the right thing about Kindergarten and having Riley wait a year. You are exactly right that he can handle the work now and would likely do just fine.
In my experience the kids with the early birthdays often do step up to the plate. And in some cases challenges/issues don’t reveal themselves until late elementary or even middle school. It can be preposterously hard to make a change then. Have him take the time now. Save that adorable public school for next year.
I can totally sympathize with the kindergarten debate. In Michigan where I live, the cutoff is December 1 and my daughter will turn 5 on Nov 2, so she will be 4 still when school starts, which is very young. However, we are sending her to school, mostly because I am sick of spending so much on daycare, but I also truly think (hope) she is ready. I guess we will find out. Honestly, whatever you decide will be the right choice for you and it will all be fine.
As for the lawnmower thing, my baby tends to have some irrational fears too, but as hard as it may be, it seems that forcing her to face them and realize it is not so scary has worked best for us. Allowing the fear to shape our life has only led to reinforcing the behavior. Just my 2 cents.
Good luck on all fronts, including the potty training. My first born was MUCH easier than my second. The second (who is 4.5) still sometimes has accidents :(
Oh man. *I* definitely want my kid to start kindergarten sooner rather than later. But you know your kid best, and if you think he could benefit from hanging back, go for it. I started kindergarten at age 4 and didn’t turn 5 til a solid 2 months in (my birthday is right before Halloween, which was the cutoff date in 19mumblemumble). I definitely think I was ready and was totally into school (until 5 grade, but that’s a tale for another day). If your gut says no, then you know what to do. I mean, if you did start him and it’s awful, couldn’t you pull him out? As far as potty training, I just let my son walk around with no pants or underpants and stuck him on the toilet every half hour or hour for a few weeks. He picked up on it pretty quick and really didn’t have many accidents. I consider it my payback for having such a shitty pregnancy. As for the Lawnmower Man…I don’t know. Kids are just weird like that. I agree with Miche, though. It might lessen the level of terror Good luck!!
Linda,
I made this exact choice last year. My son went to Jr-K instead of kindergarten because of his birthday. I wasn’t worried though because I didn’t feel as if he was losing anything. His private school is wonderful about teaching students at their level, whatever it is. He learned to read this year and he’s doing math on a 3rd grade level at age five. BUT he still took a nap everyday and he danced TWICE A DAY on the reading circle. He got everything he needed because he was “held back”. I know he wouldn’t have done as well in kindergarten because he wasn’t ready for the stricter rules of kindergarten.
You shouldn’t feel guilty or embarrassed (or —) about your decision to keep him back another year. My son is an October birthday, and we kept him back. Academically, he would’ve been fine, but socially — no! He’s a little more reserved and shy and needed another year of social development. He’s finishing his Kinder year right now, and I don’t regret it for a second.
BTW, you can always go down to your local school and ask one of the kinder teachers. I’d be surprised if they disagreed with your decision. You’re giving your son the gift of time.
Jules went thru that exact same thing as well. She didn’t like having things on her. We ended up buying a small set of shooting ear protectors. They look like the old-style over the ear headphones. We bought a bright colored set that we knew she’d like the look off and we gave her a day or two to adjust. Worked like a charm. I was able to start mowing the lawn again without screaming coming from the house. We made her think it was a reward for a game and the was cool with it after that.
I’d hold Riley for another year. The benefits of holding him outweigh the risks of sending a kid that’s not quite ready. In our area, it’s very common to hold kids with summer birthdays, and none of my friends that have done it have regretted it. Kindergarten is the new 1st grade, and no matter how bright a child is, if s/he’s not ready to sit still all day it’s going to be a tough year. I’m guessing Riley will still need to MOVE HIS LITTLE BODY, and there’s nothing wrong with letting him have an extra year to do that.
Lawnmowers: we are currently in the midst of an epic barfing phobia w/ my 7 year old- she’s sick and crying every morning b/c she doesn’t want to go to school in case someone barfs- 2 kids did last week, right in front of her. It’s awful. No advice, but I feel for you.
I have heard the advice of many wise mothers that holding off a year on kindergarten, if there is ANY debate, will be a good idea. It’s a year, they say, that you “can’t get back” if you decide to make the move too soon.
As an educator, my opinion is that if you’re having even the slightest thought that Riley is not ready to go to kindergarten, then give him the year. Specific areas to consider are maturity and flexibility. Is Riley a leader or a follower? This often is a trait that is determined by developmental level…and certainly a big one to think about once he’s in the teenage years of peer pressure. Is he outgoing or timid? This can often be a personality trait but can also come with age. You certainly know him best…go with your gut. I’ve heard parents who say they’ve regretted sending their child early but have yet to hear a parent say they regretted holding their child out a year. Getting the input of his teachers where he is now would also be helpful…they see him in relation to, and interacting with, his peers. They may have some insight that may help.
Good luck…and remember that whatever you decide will be the right decision!
You know best when it comes to your babies. If your gut is telling you to keep Riley there, do that.
My daughter is a couple of weeks younger than Dylan and I haven’t even seriously considered potty training (sure, it’s a random thought every now and again). We have her potty sitting beside ours, it has been for a damn year. I figure she’ll use it when she is ready. If she shows no interest towards the end of the year I’ll put forth some major effort.
Thanks GOD Hayden (my daughter) isn’t terrified of lawnmowers…we have 5 acres we mow! Every! Week!
Oh man are you ever going to get a lot of comments on this post! So, I’ll throw mine in with the lot.
Our son missed the kindergarden cutoff by 2 weeks. We considered early entry into kindergarden but eventually decided against it. We talked to the child psychologist about the choice and he said that he recommends holding boys back for the maturity reason. He said that many parents of boys and girls are holding back kids born in July, Aug, & Sept (the cutoff here is Sept. 30). I didn’t want him to be the youngest and with everyone else holding off, he would likely have been among the youngest at his level. And while he could mentally handle the academics, his maturity level was, um, a bit behind? I remember meeting others at the first parent get-together and I said, “So who else is tired of the potty regression with starting school?!” Blink. Blink. Oh, so it’s just my kid, then. Ooookay.
He is in a Montessori public school at the preK level this year and doing so so well. He will have the same teacher next year for kindergarden. The multi-year classrooms allow the kids to work at their own academic level while still being among age/maturity level peers. It’s the right choice for us and I’m very very grateful we had public Montessori as an option.
I remember after the decision was made, we waited in line to get him admitted (8 hours!! In chilly November!!), my mom mentioned a book she was reading (maybe Outliers?) that talked about the effect of parents pushing kids early. Early entry into kindergarden does not seem to have an effect early on, but typically in fourth grade problems emerge with social stuff and being able to keep up with academics (because of the social stress?). This is all third hand, though. I just remember it because it confirmed the decision we made for our little guy.
With regard to the before/after care, I adjusted my work schedule to start at 6 AM so I could leave at 3:30 and be there when my guy’s school day ended. I get chastised by him daily because I don’t give him time to play with his buddies in the after care program. Sigh. I plan on switching back to my old schedule next fall so he will have time to run with the pack on the playground.
I know 2 other families that are dealing with this exact issue right now. They are both holding their boys back in Preschool another year and it is totally the best decision for them. Only you and JB know if Riley is ready for Kindergarten. My best friend when we were 5 (25 years ago) her birthday was in late July and her mom held her back a year and it was the absolute best thing for her. She is a very happy and well adjusted adult now. :)
As a girl who skipped 2nd grade and graduated HS at 16, I would have loved to have not been held back but because of my July birthday, I was almost 2 years younger. One year would have been no big deal. I would seriously consider sending him to real kindergarten unless you think it would be a complete disaster. His writing from what I have seen is really coming along (your mother’s day plaque brought me to tears), so reading has to be right around the corner. Those who say you are giving him the gift of time, think of it at the other end – you are giving him the gift of time LATER. He will graduate a year earlier and could spend 5 years in college instead of 4, take it slower, really figure out what he wants to do with his life, because ultimately – that is what we are all trying to do is raise quality adults. People we would be proud to know. The effect of kindergarten on that, is smallish IMO. Also, please consider the stigma of being the OLDEST in the class. There can be issues with that too. You might not be giving him enough credit, my boys are 4 1/2 and are in a very structured preschool class – they are crazy tornados as home but their teachers? Can’t say enough good things about them, their behavior, their achievements, their participation, etc. etc.
Two cents given.
Heather: that’s kind of a reassuring perspective, I was imaging him sitting All Alone And Bereft while other kids get to go home. I suppose there are a LOT of people who need to use the afterschool programs these days, really.
I know you asked for the advice, but I’m afraid this going to across sounding wrong. So, take this as just my opinion and do with it what you will.
Unless you’re going to be putting him in kindergarten when you send him to public school – ie, holding him back for a year – I say send him to the public school now if you think the academics themselves won’t stump him. The reason I say this is because kindergarten is where kids learn how school works. I know he pretty much gets that in the center you send him to, but it’s different in a real school setting – not to mention that Riley will associate the center with daycare and not school and may be inclined to not be as serious as he should. Also, sending him to the public kindergarten will enable his kindergarten to make recommendations for the class he’ll be in fir 1st grade.
I think you’re doing the right thing with Riley’s education. It sounds like you have it made with his center having a kindergarten program, so he can still learn a little academically, but I agree that it could be painful in public school with sitting still, etc. if he is still kind of young. And it’s probably okay if his buddy is a year ahead. I know people that were ahead and behind me a year in school, even though we were only born months apart. We were still friends!
Sorry, that was supposed to be “kindergarten TEACHER to make recommendations…”
damn iPod typing!
I don’t know if there is a “wrong” decision here, just shades of … “workable”. Giving him more time to mature can only be a good thing, though he might be bored by repeating kindergarten level work. Sending him now would probably be fine, too.
As for assvice, here’s mine: I was one of the oldest in my class and I LOVED IT. I got my license before anyone else and this helped my popularity IMMENSELY (going from “abysmal” to “people will hang out with me because I can drive them to parties I wasn’t invited to”). So personally, I think it’s a great thing to be old for your grade.
My son’s birthday is Sept 16. He missed the cut off by 16 days. The year before he was not to go to Kindergarten, I looked frantically for a private school that would accept him young (about to be 5). I finally found one in the area but could not afford it, realistically. So, he stayed out an extra year and went to Kindergarten “on time”, much to my dismay. He was a “Genius” and “Mature” and would have been just fine if I had started him early.
Well, he is now 16. He is the oldest in his class and is perfectly happy where he is at. While he isn’t the smartest kid in class (as I had suspected at age 4), he is very bright and will be taking dual-credit classes his Junior year. Whether or not he would have done that if starting early is unknown. But, I am very, very glad he had that extra year under his belt. And he is equally glad to be the first to drive! (which is the most important thing at this point in his life).
From personal experience, I think you are doing the right thing! My 11 year old has a birthday July 30th. She is the youngest in her class and hates it. Although she will be taking Pre-AP classes in Jr. High next year, is very mature for her age and probably smarter than my son (relatively speaking for their grades), I don’t think an extra year would have hurt her either! And, it would have been easier as she reaches those HUGE milestones (starting to drive, date, etc)
I just read one of your comments. I didn’t realize you were planning on doing two years of kinder – that’s an excellent idea! Ignore what I said above.
FWIW, I was a young kindergartner and went away to college at 17. It turned out just fine. In fact, I think I was *more* mature than some of my older peers.
With boys I know it can be different. My brother certainly wasn’t at the same maturity level as I was at 17. Go with your gut.
Wito will go to kindergarten at 5 (also an August birthday), but the age cutoff here is in December, so I hope he won’t be the very youngest in the class. With that being said, I was one of those preschool-straight-to-1st-grade kids so I was by far the youngest in my class for my entire school career. There are pros and cons, of course…
BUT! That’s not what I wanted to talk about. Wito is TERRIFIED of whistles. Like loses his shit terrified. Good to know he is attending a Play Ball summer camp outdoors that is totally whistle-intensive. That should be fun.
Ugh, I so don’t look forward to making this decision. My son has an October birthday, and until last year, we lived in a state with a September cutoff. I figured that was just as well and that we wouldn’t have to make the decision. However, our new state (where we plan on staying–we hope) has a December cutoff. We still have another year or two before he would start, but I am already terribly conflicted about the whole thing. My sister is a kindergarten teacher, and she tends to be on the side of keeping kids (especially boys) back, given her experience. When we get a little closer, I’ll probably rely heavily on whatever advice she chooses to give.
I was a cutoff-age kid, and my parents decided on a similar plan for me. Knowledge-wise I was way ahead of my peers, but emotional maturity-wise I was behind (PAINFULLY SHY), so it made sense. In some ways I wish I had been put in school sooner, and most of my friends were always a grade or more above me once I emotionally caught up to the world, but really I came out fine. I’m sure I would have either way.
As for the after-school programs, those things are FUN. A good friend of mine is a third grade teacher who works at one, and some of her kids who “have to” go home right after school are JEALOUS of the kids who get to stay and play with all their friends extra. Depending on your particular area, a HUGE percentage of kids seem to use the after school programs.
Here is my 2 cents on the school thing. I was in the same boat as you, it was like WHAM, oh ya, my kid needs to start school like now. I had no real clue what we were doing. This was for Preschool though, he was never in daycare so I needed to figure something out fast. This was when he was 3 I think (his b-day is in April). So we sent him to a private preschool that also went up to 6th grade. I was planning on keeping him there, the school was awesome, in between 2 farms out in the middle of nowhere (which is where we live). At the time I didn’t want Eric to go the public school, I saw how the kids in our town ended up and I was scared. Then I thought about him going from 6th grade in the private school and having to go into public school anyways, which would be a lot harder on him. Well the preschool ended up discontinuing the higher grades and only did preschool and Pre-K. So we put him in the public school for Kindergarten.
As far as his friends go that he had at the private school, half of them he doesn’t even talk to anymore because they have been in different classes. Each year he makes new “best friends”. He’s in 2nd grade now.
I would hold Riley back, just my opinion. We wanted to move Eric up a grade because the school work he was getting in 1st grade was way too easy for him. His teacher mentioned the whole maturity level thing too, which made sense, he’s very smart but he has problems paying attention etc. etc.
And that’s my 2 cents :)
My sister went through the same decision process with her younger son. They decided to put him in kindergarten and he is the very youngest kid. And he did struggle a bit, but thankfully had an awesome teacher who reined him in. They are really happy with the decision, but only you know if it’s right for Riley.
I think you are doing the right thing by keeping Riley where he is. Like you said, he’ll still be getting the Kindergarten material. If he were to move on too early and be too young, he might become disruptive in class with not being able to hold his attention, stay seated, etc. Also, I’ve always heard that, especially for boys, when they are close to the cut off date, it’s best to wait till the next year.
Also, as soon as I started reading about Dylan’s fear of lawnmowers, I immediately recalled Riley’s weird fear of airplanes. That was too funny. Not for you guys, I’m sure. But as a reader, it was hilarious. Sorry, I have to ideas for that one! But atleast, you know by experience, that it will not last forever!
My older son’s birthday is August 15th. The preschool teachers all said, ‘He’s ready! Totally ready for kindergarten!’ (He was going to go to a Catholic school with the best kindergarten teacher of all time.)
In retrospect, I wish I would have waited. Socially, he was ready, but nobody picked up on what turned out to be major ADD issues until years later. Then again, there were (several) asshole neighbors of ours who were holding their sons back so they would better be able to compete in sports against younger children. Okaaaaay.
My younger son (who graduates from HS next week!) had a friend who was held back to repeat 8th grade. He has great friends, so no one ever made fun of him for it, but that is a much greater stigma than not starting kindergarten ‘on time.’
Hell, when I was a kid, many children did not even go to kindergarten. Times change. I missed the cutoff by three weeks (it was Dec. 31 way back then), and then was encouraged to skip 3rd grade (I didn’t, because we moved). Eh, each kid is different, I guess I am trying to say. Go with your gut feeling.
My son’s July birthday prompted the same question for us last year. We entered him into Kindergarten, and he’s done fine. Well, it’s hard to tell since they grade with “D = Developing” and “S = Secure.” Heh. But I think he’s matured enough to keep up.
He does sometimes complain about being the youngest. Especially when his friends in class are 6 and even 7, and losing teeth already (so exciting!) and he isn’t.
On the after-care issue, I had the same picture of “all alone and bereft.” Your comment made me smile. He’s fine with it, but I defintely want to re-work my schedule to be able to pick him up in carpool next year.
I think you are making the right decision for Riley. My son missed our cutoff by 17 days, so the decision was made for us to wait another year. I am thrilled, as he is reading but not ready for public kindergarten maturity wise. He will stay in our daycare for private kindergarten, then go to public kindergarten the year after. My youngest son has an August birthday (September 31 cutoff), and while he is 2, we are giving serious consideration to holding him back a year as well. I suppose time will tell, however it is clear you have thought this through. and I doubt you will regret your decision!
I have no advice on the school thing since mine is a several months younger than Dylan but on the potty training thing? Just don’t. C showed interest in it several months ago with climbing on top of the potty and saying “I potty” so we thought, hey let’s roll with this right? NOT a good idea. He went into a full resistance where we backed off entirely but then he started refusing being changed. So I started giving him the choice…change or potty and he picked potty but we were still going through massive amounts of pull ups and yeah, that was not the idea. A week ago, we went full on underwear and I have been cleaning up after him 97% of the time. It’s awful and I’d recommend just waiting. Like forever if you need to.
I know you have a gazillion comments, but we had the same dilemma. And it worked out just fine.
My older son has an October birthday, and while he is wicked smart, his social skills were a little lacking. We kept him in kindergarten even though he was “smart enough for 1st grade.” He’s finishing second grade now, and he fits in just fine even though he’s a bit older than most of the kids in his class.
I agree with everyone who said waiting isn’t bad. The gift of time, for sure. That extra year can only be a good thing. Our kindergarten teacher told us it’s better to give them the extra year to be sure they’re ready, than to have to deal with the fallout if they’re not.
Also, my younger son goes to kindergarten through our daycare, and while he will be going to 1st grade next year, at least half of the kids in his class will go to kindergarten at a public school next year – and that was their parents’ plan from the beginning. So you’re not the only one!
I do have to disagree with Aileen – while it’s true that some daycares do only offer kindergarten that’s really just another year of daycare, ours is accredited and recognized by the state and the teacher is required to meet all the same standards as public kindergarten classes. I don’t know which kind your daycare offers. But even if it’s not a recognized kindergarten, if they mimic the routines and structure of a classroom setting it can still be valuable in teaching them what to expect the next year as far as manners and sitting still and transitions between activities.
And – like Heather said about aftercare – my kids regularly say “Mom, I’m playing with so-and-so; can you come back later?” when I come early to pick them up. They LOVE that unstructured playtime after school. And my older son’s is run by the Y so they have tons of physical activities and stuff to help them blow off steam after having to behave all day.
Hope that helps.
My oldest boy missed the cutoff by weeks,so he will always be the oldest, a status which he loves. But even if he’d barely made it, we would probably have waited a year before entering the big K for all the reasons you gave above. You know your kid better than anyone, and I think it’s much easier/more naturalfor them to do it this way, than to hold them back when they get older bc they aren’t ready for 1st grade.
As for potty training, the best perspective I’ve seen is “you can’t make them eat, sleep or poop.” Even tho this drives us all insane to extend diaper duties more than absolutely necessary: have patience, don’t consider it a parental failure if it takes a kid longer, and rest assured they’ll get it together before they go to college. Just teach, encourage, and pave the way for them. If you don’t make it your issue (as opposed to the kids’ issue) the studies show they get it together faster because it doesn’t become a point of contention (for which obstinate 2 year olds will tend to dig in for a fight).
My niece (who turns 13 this year OMG cue Sunrise, Sunset) was like Riley: on the cusp of the kindergarten cut-off and super-smart but still so tiny and sort of…well, NOT ready for kindergarten, even though she could read more and count higher and do just about anything better than the other kids (kidding – I am a proud auntie and totally biased). It was hard because her teachers were sort of pushing her parents to have her give it a whirl, reasoning that they could just hold her back later, which also did not seem ideal. Her parents decided not to push it, kept her in a pre-K program for a year and she has always done well in school and had a lot of friends and success. That’s not to say she would have flailed had they pushed it, but there’s just so much more to consider than academics.
And PS: I vote that you NOT stress on the potty training. My boys had no interest whatsoever until well after they turned 3. While it was an extra year of diapers, it was worth it for my sanity. Once they’re ready, they JUST DO IT. I’m talking a couple of days and they were pros. If he’s not ready, you’re just stressing out both of you unnecessarily for months. IMO anyway.
I haven’t read the other comments so my apologies if I repeat something ad nauseum that others have said. My kids are 9 and 5 (almost 6). My five year old is finishing up kindergarten. She has a June birthday but it wouldn’t have killed her to stay back a year. But, a lot of her classmates have birthday’s right around hers so they’re basically about at the same place. She was pretty much ready to go and I couldn’t afford another year of sub-par childcare and the school is an excellent one. So, kind of a no-brainer. We do the after-school program (run badly by the Y) because we both work and that’s the breaks. The bus picks them up in the morning and dad picks them up from school in the afternoon.
My nine-year-old was born at the end of November. She missed the cut-off date and had to wait a year. This was too bad because she’s now in the gifted and talented program, was reading pretty fluently at four, is mature for her age, etc. But, she’s done fine and is in a girl scout troop with 4th graders who are actually her age since she was held back.
In the end, I don’t think it makes much difference. It’s up to you and your child. If you don’t think Riley would benefit from kindergarten yet, don’t send him. If you do, go ahead and do it. Maturity comes at different times for different kids.
My kindergartener is doing well but still struggling with reading. Like everything with kids – it’ll happen when it happens.
Riley is really close to that cut off! I wouldn’t worry a bit. I think it’s especially important for boys to be about the same size as the other kids in class, so I think it’s a good move. I used to work in a private school and some kids were kept back when they were more than old enough, but that doesn’t sound like the situation here. I think it’s smart.
All my kids are terrified of dogs – they’ve never had a bad experience or anything with them, but they just all reach an age where they’re so, so scared of them. I think it’s more than normal to have a thing like that, I’d try and respect it. With my kids, it’s not so much the *dogs* that they’re afraid of as much as the way the dogs make them feel.
My daughter is a teensy bit younger than Dylan and I haven’t started to potty train her yet. She is showing no signs of being ready, so I am going to start training her in earnest in July, when she is 2.5. I have no advice, just commiseration.
About Kindergarten…my son’s birthday is Sept. 22, and we decided to delay kindergarten. Best. Decision. Ever. And as a preschool teacher myself, I strongly feel that most children with fall birthdays benefit from the extra time to mature — especially boys. Keep him at preschool. You won’t regret it.
Our son missed the public school cut off by less than 30 days. We could have put him in to private school for a little bit less than what we paid for pre-school. We chose to keep him back, and I (mostly) think it was a good decision. It’s irrational, but it bugs me that he’s the oldest in his class. BUT he is so on it now, academically, socially, you name it. He would have made it if we’d sent him, but I think that extra year of emotional development went a long way.
As far as potty training, as a rule, I just don’t do it. They’ll go when they go. My son was close to 3, my daughter trained herself right before she turned 2, and the baby, who is nearly 2, has some interest, but only when it benefits her. I’m not sweating it. You shouldn’t either. :D
And as far as potty training goes, isn’t it funny how two kids with the SAME PARENTS can be so different? Man! I thought my youngest would never agree to use the potty. Stubborn doesn’t even scratch the surface!
My pediatrician once told me that she’s never met a kindergartner in diapers. They’ll do it when they’re ready. As far as I can tell, she’s right.
I think just about every primary school teacher would agree with your decision to keep him where he is.
My brother has an August birthday, and while he always did fine academically, he was always puny and less mature compared to the other kids (at least until middle school), and my mom still thinks she should have started him a year later.
Yes, there is the possibility (likelihood, even) that Riley would do just fine if you started him on schedule. But on the off chance that he didn’t, setbacks early on in school can be devastating to kids’ confidence.
I was in your shoes a year ago. My son’s birthday is August 25, and I worried about the school cut off question from the moment I heard his due date (and tried insanely to convince the little zygote to stay put until September 1 so there wouldn’t be an issue). I talked with so, so many people about what to do, and the only people who said put him in kindergarten with the school district administrators whose job it was to say that exact thing.
So we sucked it up, paid from the pre-K / preschool / young 5s class, and hoped for the best. Which is what we got, for him.
Last week, we went to an orientation of sorts at the school Sammy will likely attend in the fall. In one of the classrooms, I saw a birthday poster for a little boy I noticed was born on August 22, 3 days before my son. Obviously his parents made a different choice. For a moment, I thought about ours, and realized we’d done right by our kid. And that’s what it’s all about anyway.
Doesn’t mean I’m not absolutely terrified about next year. What can I say? My lunacy knows no bounds.
I now frighten and perplex every dating or newly married person I know by insisting that they start planning now to avoid having kids in the summer. My oldest is 15 days before the cutoff date. We held him, which was a terribly hard decision (for me, if not my husband) but unequivically the right one for us.
I can emphasize with Deb. I’m also a 10/28 bday and was always the youngest at everything. Eventually it became a point of pride: graduated college at 20 (like a moron), managing folks by 23, etc, etc. I also would have told you there was no negative social impact, which looking back, is a big fat lie. So, at first, holding him back felt like a failure. For reals, I cried at his parent teacher conference last year. But once I separated my personal issues from the real issue, it was an easy decision.
We attended his (second) pre-K graduation last night. It was nice to sit there listening to all those kids singing “I Am a Promise” without feeling any doubt. It wasn’t all smooth sailing; he starting feeling pretty bored about three quarters of the way through the school year. Seems like the kindergarten program your preschool offers will help with that. But he has so much more confidence now, even though as one of the oldest, he is still the shortest in class. By a lot. Genetics, what can you do?
Oh, and potty training. My almost three year-old has apparently not heard that girls train early. She’s still in a crib and is desperate for a big-girl bed, so we’re seriously considering setting up the new bed next to her crib. Dry day? Bed. No potty? Crib. Is that too diabolical?
I went into school a year early, so i was always the youngest kid, and did just fine (well better then fine, but who am I to brag!) I went to university when i was 17, and loved it there, excelled and fit in perfectly. I loved that I had an extra year on everyone, so I could be done university early and get started on my Chartered Accountant designation. I am so grateful that I started early and that I finished early.
I guess though, my first few years were spent homeschooling, until my father passed away. Then I joined the public stream. So perhaps you could try homeschooling him, so that way he is academically challenged, but do not really need to worry about maturity, because he is at home not struggling with the other children, or a long day in a class room.
My birthday is September 1st, and my parents were given that same choice given the cutoff date. They chose to make me the oldest kid in the class rather than the youngest, and oh boy am I glad they did. My academic performance and confidence levels turned out pretty well – and there’s no concrete proof to say they wouldn’t have had I been placed in kindergarten earlier, but you know….
Just to pile it on =)
Everyone else seems to be agreeing on hold back, but I figure one more voice chiming in wouldn’t hurt. Absolutely hold back.
My son was born August 17 (on his sister’s 8th birthday, as it happens). So in the year before kindergarten was to begin, the school had readiness testing and he excelled at all the tests except shoe tying, which didn’t matter because cowboy boots were the thing and so were velcro straps on sneakers. Big sister started at five and did just fine, so we started him at five, and I have regretted it ever since. He’s a grown man, inching toward middle age in fact, but if I had known then what I know now, I definitely would have kept him home another year.
My son was born in February so I don’t have advice about the cutoff issue, but I can offer my observations about daycare K and then public school K. My son went to the same daycare from 6 months to 5.5 years. He was intellectually advanced enough that he started the daycare K at 4.5. So he had a year of daycare K and then went to public school K the next year and it worked out really well. Some of the stuff was a repeat, but that meant he gained confidence academically right off the bat and he could focus on the social aspect of public school K with a class of 24 kids and going from 8-2, etc. I will do this again in a heartbeat if my daughter is in the same situation when she’s 4.
My now 17 year old son was born on Nov 22nd. He was not allowed to start school until he was just a few months from turning 6. He was the oldest in his class. I want to caution you from my own tale. My son is now 17 and is a few months from 18 and is the OLDEST in his class…ie: everyone else his age has jobs etc etc and have either dropped out of highschool or want to becasue it’s easier to get a job than to go to school when you are that old. He will be close to 19 and his classmates will be closer to 17 if he manages to finish highschool next year.
Just my cautionary tale. For me the decision was not mine..it was a public school law. Think about this decision not just for the now..but for the future…12 years feels far off..but it will arrive fast.
I know of 5 children whose parents kept them back in preschool. The 3 moms responsible for those decisions are all now 100% sure they did the right thing. These kids vary in age from 5 to 25. I think it makes a world of difference in their confidence.
We are going through a similar issue with my daughter Sofia. She was a September baby and misses the cutoff for kindergarten by one week. The learning center we use also has an accredited kindergarten; however, they will not take her into that class until she meets the same age as the public school requirement. What they have done for children in this scenario is extend the time spent in the three and four year old classrooms. Sofia spent about a year and a half in the three year old classroom, not moving to the four year old classroom until she was actually four and a half. She is to spend another year and a half in the four year old classroom, where she will actually be five years old for most her time there. When she is old enough to go to kindergarten we will have the opportunity to choose between the learning center all day program where she could stay until we pick her up, or go to the public school with a before and after school program. We have yet to price out which would be cheaper. The only thing I worry about is a repeat of the curriculum. I did start to notice that towards the end of her time spent in the three year old classroom Sofia was doing the same projects she had completed the previous year. In the long run, however, I don’t think it has any impact. I do not have a choice in the matter, but I am glad Sofia has another year to mature emotionally before she starts grade school. I think the extra year will make life at school that much easier for her. You and JB know what’s best for Riley. If your collective gut tells you that he would benefit from another year, I believe it is a good thing.
Do what you feel is right as far as Kindergarten goes. One year will not make a difference in a negative way. If you feel he needs to be eased in, I think he will get more out of public school kindergarten if he is prepared emotionally, the way you want him to be. I started Kindergarten at 4 and and turned 5 about a month later. I was already academically way ahead of the other kids but was EXTREMELY shy and fearful. When I was in first grade my parents considered holding me back but ultimately opted to go with their original plan and all turned out fine. I became a very outgoing and opinionated kid! ;) I guess my point is, I personally feel that Riley will be fine as long as YOU are comfortable with the plan. Sounds like you know what’s best for him. His friends will still be there (some of the neighborhood kids wound up a grade ahead or behind-we still stayed friends) and he will of course, make new ones that will be in his grade with him.
As for Dylan, I am sort of glad to hear my kid is not the only one with strange fears. My 20-month-old is terrified of my hairdryer. And my grandmother’s house. And the little song that his Fisher Price gumball machine plays. My husband kind of worries about it, but because I really was a weird, fearful little kid myself, I try to be low-key about it. I don’t really feel traumatized by any of the stuff I found so terrifying as a kid and I did grow out of it. So, I am just trying to go with the flow of that and let him deal with his fears on his own terms as much as I can without being a total enabler. The lawnmower thing is really inconvenient though! I guess you will have to lock yourself in your house for awhile and I will have to embrace my frizzy, non blown out hair. :)
I don’t believe anyone has ever regretted holding back a young for his class boy. I still regret that I sent my academically ready but teeny tiny socially immature 5 year old (May b’day) and he is going to be 24 this month. It all worked out, but the older kids are so much more ready for the challenges. and the differences don’t show up in Kindergarten, they show up in middle school and high school, when it’s too late. you are absolutely doing the right thing.
On the holding back vs. sending on, a LOT of parents are holding them back. A. Lot. The year that Sassa went to Kindergarten, the age range in his class was over 17 months.
For each of my kids (especially the ones near the cutoff), I had them in a pre-K at 4 to assess kindergarten readiness. It gave them an extra boost as well as gave me an idea of how well they’d do. Pete is TINY (she’s just outgrowing her 2Ts) but I’ll be sending her in the fall, because I think she’d be bored to tears in preschool for another year. But she’s spent the last 4.5 years with three older siblings and her besties in her pre-K class are the tallest, older kids who were held themselves.
I had a teacher friend tell me if in doubt, hold them back. The reason is that if they start out behind, they lag more each year. Also, boys will be a year bigger for sports instead of being on the small side.
#3 is the smallest boy in his grade, but he’s on target in both academics and social stuff, so I know I made the right choice in sending him 2 years ago. I’ll have to see how Pete will be next year.
Hi,
Just came across your blog. Nice one! I cannot give you any advice on kindergarten as my son is still 2.5 yrs old. But, we did go through the lawn mover phase last summer. He used to just run away from the sound all the time. Oh he was also very scared of the trash truck. We just explained what the lawn mover or the trash truck do and we let him watch it from a distance. Now, he insists on watching the lawn movers and trash truck from the window :)
I am sure it is just a phase and your son will get over it too. Good Luck!
My daughter will be in the same boat when she starts K. Her birthday is just 5 days before the cut off and I *think* we will wait an additional year (she’s 3 1/2 now) to start at the public school. I come from a long line of teachers and they all say that 90% of the time the kid will do better by starting later – not always academically, but emotionally and maturity-wise. The daycare/preschool she’s in now has a Kindergarden program in years where there is demand so I’m keeping my fingers crossed that the 4 kids in her class now with similar birthdays stay there so they will have the class when she is ready.
I was the youngest in my class growing up and as a kid it wasn’t so bad, but starting at about age 12 it SUCKED. And when I went to college I couldn’t do ANYTHING on my own since I wasn’t 18 yet – my parents had to sign for everything. (Plus I couldn’t get into any clubs for the first 6 weeks because I was 17 and they carded for 18+ at the doors – harsh for a college freshman!!)
My birthday was the day after the cutoff, so I was ALWAYS the oldest in my class.
No big. I turned out, uh, fine.
I think it will be fine.
Lots of great comments. If your kids are as athletic as you and your husband, and there is any interest in team sports, not being the youngest kid in the class or on the team will be very important. Even at this age, there is a real difference in kids athletic ability and ability to be a part of a team.
Also, there is lots of discussion in the blogosphere about the fall out from having kids repeat a grade because they started too soon. If in doubt, I’d say hold him back.
Hey,
My daughter’s birthday is 9/14 and I fretted endlessly when she was born about how she JUST MISSED the cutoff. When it came down to it, she was probably ready to start kindergarten last fall, but me, not so much. So grateful for that extra year (since it’s all about me). Everyone I’ve talked to has said it’s way better to be the oldest, rather than youngest, in your class.
If you read Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell, he makes a pretty strong case for keeping kids back as long as possible, so they’re the oldest and not youngest in their class.
(Sorry if someone already mentioned this, I haven’t read the comments yet.)
Pretty interesting book, even if you’re not looking to make your kid Wayne Gretzky or Bill Gates.
We had the exact same issue this year with our son. His birthday is July 24th and the cut off here in IN is Aug 1st. Daycare said he was ready and would be fine. We just weren’t convinced. He might do well next year but what about in 5th grade? What about being the last to drive? To drink? To turn 18? What about being smaller than all the other kids? All those things were major factors. So after a very long time discussing the pros and cons, we decided to hold him back until next year.
I am 99% sure we made the right decision. Man this parenting gig is HARD!
There is a ton of discussion going on over at Here be Hippogriffs (comments section, latest post – I’d post a link but since it’s not my blog I don’t know what the etiquette of that would be) regarding holding kids back. The huge consensus seems to be that if it’s going to be done it should be done at the very beginning because your child will spontaneously combust from shame if you do it later. Or something.
I joke but the discussion really is informative.
I was among the very youngest in my class – I was still four for three days when I started kindergarten (my birthday is September 4th). I had also taught myself how to read at 2 1/2, so the fact that I wasn’t emotionally really “ready” to deal with school (I had issues with “playing well with others”) took a backseat to my being totally, totally bored with preschool.
My being one of the very youngest never, ever bothered me. It never came into play in any way until high school and everyone else was able to get their permits and kids in the class *below* me were driving before I was. That’s the ONLY time when my being born just at the cut-off was an issue in any way at all.
We went through the send or not send issue with our boys. Our situation was while they seemed ready academically, their birthday is the end of June but they were premature and not due until after the kindergarten deadline. They were accepted into a magnet school and so we decided to send them, but only because this school does things differently, which will make the age difference not so much of a big deal. Not knowing you at all, just your son’s age and what you have said, I would say you are doing the right thing because 1. he will be in a setting that offers him both what he needs academically and socially and 2. Kindergarten red-shirting in our area is completely out of control. Half of the pre-k class my boys attend is ALREADY SIX. It is totally crazy.
Meh…keep him home. (Delurking for the good stuff.) We kept our summer baby home. He went as a newly turned 6 year old and the oldest in his class. He’s done great with zero problems.
I just keep telling myself that I gave him the gift of an extra year as a child vs. an extra year as an adult. We all know that being an adult sucks.
My brother was held out of kindergarten for an extra year based on the too-emotionally-immature factor, and I actually think it ended up backfiring in his case. My brother is…kind of a genius in some ways, and the fact that he entered kindergarten the next year as not only the oldest kid but the smartest (by leaps and bounds) turned out to make his social life much more difficult. For one, he was expected to be a leader when he’s not really the leader type, and I think he’s still (at age 29) feeling bad about his childhood because of that.
That said, Riley is not my brother, so this really is one of those things you just have to collect information on and then take a leap of faith based on what you think is best in your situation.
Good luck!
I say keeping him back is the best thing. Same thing I am sure everyone else is saying but boys tend to struggle more academically if they go to school to soon and maturity is the issue. That August birthday cut off thing is hard.
As a parent, you have to make the best decision for your kids and you know them best! I graduated from HS at 17 and wished like heck now that my parents held me back at this age. I was WAY to young and immature through the whole process.
Riley will do just fine! Being the oldest and youngest are both going to have advantages and disadvantages and again you know him and what is best for him.
As for before/after school care, I am pretty sure this is the most heavily used program in every school in our little school district. I do not think it is what it once might have been as most families are two income homes these days. I am like you I have reservations about it but we will be using it likely. One of my co-workers kids have done it their entire school career and they are great kids, no worse for the wear if you will!
My birthday was after the cut off, but when you could ‘test in’ to Kindergarten early. My parents did that with me, and I did fine. My sister’s birthday was right at the cut off, and my parents decided her social maturity was such that she’d benefit from waiting the extra year. She did fine. I graduated high school at 17, college at 21. For her it was 18 and 22. We both went on for advanced degrees. At 33 and 27, neither of us feels like it matters that we were the youngest/oldest in our classes. If anything, our personalities being what they are, we think our parents made the right decision, if we bother to think about it. You know your kid. Trust yourself.
We have two boys, both with September 1st birthdays. We did not hesitate to hold them back! They are now 11 and 13 and we don’t regret the decision at all. Yes, both are oldest in their respectively classes – but being boys they are now more socially in tune with their female classmate’s maturity levels. Now that one is in middle school, the decision to wait is even clearer. You can definitely tell those that are on the younger side of the spectrum, especially when it comes to things like school dances and other similar functions.
My son started kindergarten this past fall, and he turned 6 in November. Keeping him back was the best decision for us. He is doing fabulous in kindergarten and fits right in. I’m not sure things would have gone as smoothly if we had sent him last year. Good luck making your decision!
My daughter is an early October birthday so the decision to wait was made for us. Our son was born smack dab in the middle of the GRAY AREA knows as July and from what everyone else has ever told me…we should wait with him. We have a few years on that yet, but I couldn’t help but notice, with my daughter, almost all of the kids in her Kindergarten last year were 6 or turned 6 before January. Same in first grade. I think it will be totally fine.
You’re doing the right thing by waiting on kindergarten.
My son is in third grade now and is super young (late August) for his grade. I hemmed and hawed and finally sent him and wish to this day I hadn’t. Sure, things have mostly gone okay and he has matured a lot in the past year especially and he has great friends and he’s academically gifted (not that Oregon does squat for TAG kids, but I digress) BUT his maturity just doesn’t match that of the other kids. Add to it a class full of kids whose parents held them back up through MAY birthdays and you have my son who will probably be entering puberty two full school years behind his classmates.
Give your son the extra year and know that he’ll have a great year now and be extra prepared for kindergarten. I wish you a lot of luck sorting out flexible work schedules by then, too.
Keep him where he is for one more year. While the academic side may be fine to start public school, you’re right to be concerned about his maturity level…and the disparity only gets worse, not better, as he moves to higher grades. I have 2 family members who were both put in Kindergarten as the youngest members (instead of waiting the extra year) and both of them wished they’d waited.
Here in France, the cut-off is 31 December and my elder daughter turned 8 on 27 December and is in 3rd grade. She’s always been the youngest in her class (more or less, these last two years there’s also been a girl who’s jumped a year and who didn’t turn 8 till March) but you have to imagine that there are other kids with “late” birthdays too, so being “the youngest” doesn’t always mean by much: my daughter has 3 “best friends”: one who’s 9 this week, one who’ll be 9 on 30 October and the other on 14 December… Hardly a huge difference with the last two… And since schools went back in September, loads of kids had birthdays…
Our daughter started school just after her 2nd birthday, when the age difference was more obvious, but she loved it from day 1 and has never had problems fitting in. It really isn’t so much a question of birthday, in my opinion, as in your knowledge of your child – you’re the one who knows best. For Carla, she was just aching for stimulation, company, social interaction (we have no family near us and, when she was small, knew no one with kids).
Do what you think is best for your child – you might make a mistake, but things will work themselves out in the end even if you do. You’re still the best placed to know what he’s ready for or not (Carla always liked sitting quietly, “reading”, or drawing, or colouring… All-day school was easy-peasy; one of her friends, Enzo, is just 9 days younger (so a January birthday) and he was held back because he sooo wasn’t ready for the all-day stuff. He’s in 2nd grade and is doing really well too).
Don’t feel pressurised into doing something you don’t feel is right!
Good luck!
Alex misses the cutoff by 2 weeks, and I’m glad that the decision is basically made for us because academically, he’s ready, no question, but emotionally? not so much. We could have him tested to get him in early, but we’re not going to. I think another year of growing and maturing will be good for him. It’s not a matter of a right and wrong choice, it’s very personal depending on the child. I always thought Alex would be ready, and always planned to push him in early (like I was), but now that we’re here, I am very confident in our decision to hold off another year.
I agree that holding him back is probably a good idea.
Additionally, my cousin is still besties with a private pre-school friend at 15 in spite of them having not attended the same school since pre-school. I think the parents really control how that works. If you like the kid and his parents, you can absolutely keep the boys in touch.
My son’s b-day is Aug. 30 and we did NOT hold him back. If I had it to do all over again, I definitely would though.
He is the absolute youngest in his class and he hates that. He was the last one to get his drivers license. (That was a tough one on him.) Plus – now that he’s about to be a senior in high school – I would much rather send him off to college being 18-almost-19 than 17-almost-18.
So you get two thumbs up – way up – from me on the waiting a year. He will LOVE being the oldest in his class when he gets to high school. Wait til you see how many friends come out of the woodwork when he’s the first one driving to school.
I haven’t read most of the comments so am sure this has been offered several times already, but my son was right at the age cutoff for kindergarten too. My mom (a public school teacher for 30 years) said HOLD OFF. With little boys it is much better for them to be the OLDEST in the class, rather than the youngest. And I totally agree. My boy is smart as a whip, but emotionally immature a lot of the time. He’s finishing up first grade now and I don’t regret our choice at all.
Oh, and as a side note – he does after-school care and LOVES it. Seriously. He gets pissed if we pick him up too early because they’re always doing cool stuff.
My b/d is the end of November. I went to k’garten at age 4, went off to college at 17. I was a very shy young lady but excelled academically. People always thought I was “mature” for my age, but I say it was just because I didn’t talk much. Ha. Guess I was just in my own little world but being the youngest in my class never ever bothered me. Acutally kinda cool, too, because guess who was the last in my class to turn 60? Ha.
I also say just go with your gut on this one. Our oldest son would NOT have been ready any sooner than when he went, and his b’day is in January so he was a rock-solid 5. Emotionally he just would not have been ready and we knew it. He was a rough-and-tumble kind of kid, super smart, but much taller and stronger than every other kid his age. He could have easily become a bit of a bully had he not been older and more understanding of that by the time he went.
Now, the noise issue? Our son would scream and cover his ears at train whistles, firecrackers, ANY loud noise. He had a couple of melt-downs at age 5-6 on a day-care summer trip and they were not pretty, I guess. He eventually outgrew it but he still hates loud noises and he’s 34. We never figured it out, either, other than to be understanding and keep him out of those situations when possible. Not sure what to tell you, but I do understand the frustration at not knowing what to do to help your Dylan.
My colleague red-shirted her kid by sending him to a private kindergarten (which it sounds like you’re doing). She sent him to public school – as planned – the next year, but had the option of enrolling him as a stigma-free kindergartner or a first grader. Effing brilliant, if you ask me.
My son missed the school cutoff date by 2 months. It was hard to see all of his pre-school friends go off to public kindergarten, while he remained at his daycare center. He was (and is) very bright, so I felt confident that he would have no trouble keeping up academically if he had gone to school that year. However, we had no choice in the matter- he was born after the cutoff date. So he attended his daycare’s kindergarten program, and went to public school kindergarten the following year. It has worked out really well. He excels in school, and because he is a little older than his classmates, he is very mature, and has emerged as a leader in his classroom. He is in 3rd grade now, and his teachers have consistently told me that he sets a great example for his peers, and is well liked by them. He is very comfortable in his own skin- a result, I believe, of being put in a situation where he was enabled to succeed. There are 2 disadvantages that I see -sometimes his peers are noticeably less mature than he is- but he doesn’t seem too bothered by it. I think I am more aware of it than he is. Also, he is very competitive (too much- it’s not a good thing), and sometimes I think an occasional dose of humility would be a good thing for him! Good luck with your decision!
Honestly? I would put him in kindergarten. At 3 and 4, I was in the same boat–intelligent but somewhat immature–and the teachers fought the move into kindergarten, but I went anyway and I ended up being one of the best students in the school, and the teachers thought I was great.
Then again, I’m a girl. Biiiiiig difference. But my gut feeling says he will quickly outgrow the emotional thing when surrounded by older kids as an example.
I taught K for years — and I can say, pretty much w/o reservation, that the parents who were in your position, (chose to keep their child either in pre-K, or at home, or at a private K) were very happy with their decision(s) and never looked back. While each child is different, they do mature at such a high rate of speed between 5 and 6, and it is glaringly obvious when someone isn’t *quite* ready. Bottom line, doing what’s best for your child is the most important thing and I salute you for doing what is best for Riley. This has probably already been said above, but a toy lawnmower worked wonders for my own fraidy-boy.
I was born in October, and our school had no cutoffs in the 1970s! I started kindergarten at 4, graduated and started college at 17, and was a senior in College before I could drink legally. I got my driver’s license after everyone else, and ahem, my period too which at the time was DEVASTATING (Riley doesn’t have to worry about that obviously!). I think it contributed somewhat into turning me into somewhat of a late bloomer in all aspects of my life.
Alas, there is a silver lining. The oldest in my class is about to turn 40 in June, and I’ve got another year and 4 months after that. I definitely rub it in at reunions.
I don’t have children at all, so naturally any opinion I have is unfounded. Here’s an interesting article by Elizabeth Weil from the New York Times, though: “When Should a Kid Start Kindergarten?” http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=9902E2DC1430F930A35755C0A9619C8B63
You’ve probably heard it all before but I’ll just put in my 2 cents. I went through the same thing last year. My boy is just now finishing his 2nd year of pre-k. I still doubted my decision until a couple of days ago somebody finally said something to make me feel better.
My cousin-in-law was an educator and she said she never heard anybody regret their decision to hold back their child in kindergarten or preschool. She did, however, hear several people lament their decision to push ahead.
P.S. Thanks for making me laugh often. You really put parenthood in perspective!
We are in the EXACT same boat. My daughter turns 5 on Sept. 7th, but as we are in California the cutoff date for enrollment is Dec. 1, not Sept. 1. She is like Riley — very bright and thriving in her pre-K class. But still, I decided to wait to send her to public kindergarten this fall. I feel the same was as you, I’d like her to be emotionally more ready. And mostly? I just don’t want her to always feel like she’s having to keep up with everyone. If we wait, then she is the one setting the pace as one of the oldest, rather than being at the end of the class age-wise and maturity-wise.
But yes, I’ve had a very similar situation at a playdate where the mom I was talking to was sending her daughter with a late birthday to K this year and asked me my plans. I was an non-judgemental as I could possibly be, because honestly I totally think it’s a decision each parent has to make for their own individual child. Regardless though, she still acted weird through the whole conversation, like my decision to hold my daughter back meant that she was a bad mom for sending her daughter early. Oy vey! This parenting stuff is crazy. The kid stuff is a piece of cake compared to dealing with other parents!
Anyway, I think you’re making a great decision with Riley. We’re doing pre-k for one more year, too (yes, at a ridiculous cost, but so worth it). Good luck with everything!!
Oh man this comment thread is killing me. My son is summer b-day and it seems like a no-brainer to everyone else that “well of course he’ll go to kindergarten next year!” even his teachers say that. And in fact i just registered him yesterday. But my guts been screamin at me for months that it doesnt seem right. He is totally ready academically ready but oh man, maturity wise, i really dont know. He already has trouble sitting still for 10 seconds. and this thread is confirming everything ive been thinking. This maybe have been the kick in the pants i needed to stand up to everyone and do was I know is right for him. Hold him back. As always LInda, thank you!
I think that you know your kids the best, and that you should do whatever feels right to you. There are always doubts and wondering, but if you go with what feels the MOST right, you’re usually on a good track :)
Our girl was 4 at the end of January, and our school cut-off date is March 1st. So, she could essentially go to kindergarten in the fall as a 4 year old and not turn 5 until the end of January. That feels all kinds of “too young!!” to me (especially thinking ahead to teen years), so my husband has come around to my thinking and she’ll be going to preschool for another year. Most of her friends are going to kindergarten, though, so we’re kind of in the same situation as you guys… just planning to still have lots of playdates and sleepovers and keep in touch with them that way! They wouldn’t have been going to the same kindergarten program anyway, so it’s not much different.
Good luck with the lawnmowers – maybe there won’t be much rain this summer and the grass will stop growing?!
This is my third time to be making this decision, Yeah. No one needs to guess at what I do in the fall. My youngest will make the cut off this year by 25 days, she has a spot reserved to return to pre-school. I just don’t feel she is ready for 8am-3pm M-F that’s a hell of long day.
My son is 16, there again I had him start K when he had just turned 6…never have I regretted it with him! He also started for varsity football last year, so maybe that is another advantage?!
Anyhow what I’m trying to say is I haven’t regretted it yet…go with your gut!
I don’t want to give you my opinion on educating your kids. I do want to give you my reaction to reading about lawnmowers and airplanes: it put such a smile on my empty-nesting face. And a laugh, too!
About the potty training, my daughter was trained at about 13 months. Both of my sons were 3 1/2. I waited until they were ready.
You and JB know what’s best. It’s clear you’ve already put a lot of thought into this decision. It’s always sad for kids to leave their little friends, but that’s the great thing about being little — a new best friend is easy to snag. I relied a lot on the opinion of my son’s preschool teacher. Ours was not a debate on whether to send him to kindergarten, but whether he would be ready for full day kindergarten or should stick with the half day option. His preschool teachers were so helpful and I felt comfortable accepting their advice b/c they’ve been dealing with kids for a lot longer than me.
I was also born right around the cutoff, and was bright, but socially not as advanced. My parents didn’t send me. I don’t know if that was a good choice or not; it’s very possible it was. I guess what I would say is, *of course* you and JB know best, and you should do what you believe is best for Riley. For what it’s worth, though, children who skip grades are actually shown to do better socially and enjoy school more than children who stay with their “age group”. I don’t know if this applies to early-starters vs. late-starters. I guess I’m just trying to say remain open to the possibility of skipping him ahead later, even though he’s socially not quite there right now?? Clearly I’m not at all conflicted here. :)
I don’t see anything wrong with keeping him in the place he’s at. It’s convenient and fits Riley, and who cares what A’s mom thinks of it? It’s not like you’re sending him to military school.
I intend to do the same thing, not because of an age/maturity issue, but because of the convenience. Besides, I don’t like a lot of things about the local public elementary school. My parents were dirt poor but I went to a parochial school for 8 years, so it’s not an “elitist” thing. It’s about doing what’s right for Riley. Do what you’d do if you never met A. and his mom.
As for the lawn mowers, I just hope it passes quickly. My older daughter had a few sensory quirks like this, but usually they would pass fairly quickly. Just be relaxed about it so he doesn’t sense you getting tense whenever the noise happens.
As for the potty training, you know where I am on that. I think childrearing took a wrong turn in 1950-1960, and the inventions of cheap “rubber pants” and disposable diapers have skewed parental wisdom. If you look back throughout human history – up to the 1950s – you’ll see that a boy in diapers at 2.5 is not the norm. I know that today everyone is telling you that boys just can’t do it until they are 3, but don’t believe it. It comes down to what YOU want to do. Your son has the ability to be out of diapers.
Personally I would not relish the thought of potty training a willful 2-year-old and that’s why I recommend starting earlier. You don’t have that option. I agree it may be harder at 2+ but it may not be as hard as everyone says.
I recommend very positively encouraging your son to try the potty and make a big deal about how it’s “his” big boy potty and all that, and then treat its use like a privilege. If he thinks “he” wants to do it, he may get motivated, and that’s really all it takes. If not, you’re on your own. I can’t say whether it would be best for you to push it. It depends on your individual child and your tolerance for wiping poop off his butt.
My daughter was born on the cutoff date. We sought out an ass load of advice on what to do. But in the end, you are the one who knows your kid, so go with your gut and don’t look back.
Oh, please give Riley the gift of time. My niece was placed in kindergarten at 4 (and did not turn 5 until November 15th of her kindergarten year, for crissakes) by my deranged ex-sister-in-law, and it has been a horrible experience for her. She is gifted academically, but she was simply too young and much less mature than her classmates. She received 100% on her spelling tests and other classwork, but she struggled to sit still, listen, and stay focused. Another year would have made a dramatic difference for her.
Reading some of the earlier comments, I realize you meant to have Riley take 2 years of KG. Again, that’s up to you to decide what’s best for him. But if he’s doing KG2 in the public school after going to an academic preschool/KG, that might be a big flop. It can be painful to sit mentally still while your classmates are getting up to speed on something you learned a year or more ago. At least investigate what they do for academically advanced kids in the public KG.
If nothing else, you are buying another year to make the big decision.
I will note that 5 of the 6 kids in my family started near our 5th birthdays and the sibling who had the worst social problems was the 1 who had a January birthday. Focusing on the younger boys, my brother with the 9/30 birthday had not been in preschool before KG, but he did not have a problem socially. He had trouble with his fine motor and, when he got older, “responsibility” to keep up without hand-holding. (This resolved itself when he was in jr. high.) My brother with the 5/31 birthday (and also no preschool) was a rock star, super popular, confident, high achiever, etc. So I don’t believe in going by birthdate alone. But it doesn’t sound like you are doing that.
Oh, another thing about the potty training. Eliminating in the potty is a type of control your child can have. People advise to avoid “control issues,” but why not think of it as a control opportunity for Dylan? Especially if he fights you or runs away when you try to take control of his dirty diaper, that’s a sign that he would be happier with total control over his elimination – i.e., the ability to do his thing without having you “up his butt” so to speak.
I don’t have kids, so salt of grain here, but I always heard that girls on the cusp can stay or go to kindergarten but with boys it’s best they wait the extra year. My sister did not follow that advice (her son was born in November) and although he is very, very bright the teachers had a hard time keeping his ass in the chair and I don’t think he got as much out of it as he would of if she had waited.
The kindergarten thing is a serious mommy war issue in our area. I learned to keep my mouth shut on it for fear of being stoned. We make the best decisions for our kids given the information we have at the time. Everything will be fine. I wouldn’t worry about the friend thing too much, just arrange a playdate every 6 weeks or so.
I don’t have any first hand expirence, but I haven’t talked to too many people who regret starting their kids in kindergarten a year late.
My brother was an August baby and is really, really smart (#1 in his high school class, 4.00 GPA in college engineering, etc). I think it helped him to be a year older and really helped him socially not to be the youngest kid in his class. I also have twin sisters who are just graduating this year. They were born 3 days before the cutoff and my parents kept them back too. Since my parents were older when they had them, I think they had to feel very strongly that was the best move for the girls since it delayed them getting the last of the kids out of the house! Again, I think it helped them socially as well as just knowing more when they went to school. (My mom ended up doing a lot of phonics work with them because at the time their school was teaching reading by sight and not the way we learned it as kids). I am the oldest and a June baby and I think that they would have kept me back if they had to do it over again.
As an aside, you will love that Riley is a year older when he is 16 sooner than his classmates and can drive himself to whatever activities/practices he has :)
I have totally be in your same position. Both my boys are August birthdays – Aug 15th and Aug 26th.
With our oldest (who is now 14) we really thought he was ready for kindergarten, but we had my older daughter’s kindergarten teacher give him a test (not sure which one)and he tested as exactly his age. She stated that since his birthday is so late in the year and with his test score that we wait. It was the BEST decision we ever made. There has never been a day where I regretted holding him back.
When my youngest son (who is now 6)was turning 5, we didn’t hesitate – we knew that we were going to hold him back. He is now in all day kindergarten (another BEST decision). They both are thriving and doing fantastic.
Now, on other side, I have a daughter who is 11 and has a June 15th birth date. We sent her to kindergarten when she was five. While she is doing great, I can tell that she is one of the youngest kids in her class – even now that she is in 6th grade.
Good luck with your decision. I know that it can be difficult. But the best advice I got when we first went through this was “I’ve never have seen a parent regret holding a child back one year, but I have seen several who have regretted sending their child too soon.”
I’m sure it’s been said before, I’m only halfway through the comments, but the afterschool care could be a blessing in disguise.
Sure, it may seem sad that you can’t pick up your child directly from school but after-school care can be a lot of fun a child. I remember having a blast in it. I went to it from kindergarten till 3rd grade at a church near my school. I have fond memories of playing in the gym with giant balls, legos, the stage, going out to the playground.
The blessing in disguise might be that it helps his maturity and social skills, especially if he is at that cutoff age. He’d be around other kids in a setting that may not be structured (My after school care was simply: Go play. Don’t kill yourself. We’ll be over here watching if you need us.) like how school is. Sure, Kindergarten has a lot of fun, play periods and what not but I remember desks and doing paperwork and being read to in circles and all that stuff that was kinda structured but disguised. So.. he may not be ready for any of that and by all means do what you feel is right, but I wouldn’t feel too bad about the thought of after school care. Yes, you want to be with your babies, no one will deny that and you have every right to, but it might do him some good to run and romp with other kids every day also.
Good luck with the lawn mower issues! and Potty training!
So, in our school district we have a pre-k (not preschool) program. It is basically for kids with birthdays just before the cutoff for Kindergarten. It is fantastic! It is 1/2 day kindergarten, just like we used to do… the K classes are full day in our district and are basically like what our 1st grade was like. We are currently in that program and are planning to do it again with my preschooler. I work with children and i think that the “gift of time” is nothing but positive! My 5yo is impulsive, wiggly, active and very bright. He tends to shy away from fine motor/writing/coloring and leans more toward roughhousing, riding his bike, playing outside, etc. He would have really struggled in the K class. I already know that is the best decision I will make for him regarding school — especially when he gets to middle school. I think it just fits my son’s personality too… he tends to shut something out if he can’t get it the first time, or if he is told he did something wrong… now that he is already reading and writing, he will hopefully have a little more self-confidence going into next year.
My oldest daughter is now 14 and will turn 15 in June. My husband and I will say that the biggest mistake we have made as parents is sending her to school that first year she was old enough. She is one of the youngest kids in her class. Although she is a good student, she has always worked a lot harder than her classmates. And although she is mature in many ways, she often seems much younger and more naive than many of her friends and classmates. We wish we could have one more year with her before sending her off to college. And, I know some will cringe at this next statement, as far as athletics goes – we wish she had one more year for high school athletics. She will graduate at age 17 and, depending upon summer school and/or athletics, she will not even be 18 when we send her off to summer school! Again….my advice all the time to people is to wait, wait, wait!!!!
Our kinder cutoff is 9/15, my son’s bday is 9/22. The first month of kindergarten was hell. He was angry. He acted out. He was bored. We had a parent-teacher conf where I asked about moving him into 1st grade (oddly you have to be 5 by 9/15 for kinder and 6 by 9/30 for 1st, my son met both). His teacher quickly pointed out that, yes academically Elliot could move to 1st, but emotionally he’s a kindergartner. Here we are at the end of the year and my son is happy, well adjusted and flourishing. I’m pleased with our decision not to push him forward.
And to give you more insight into how crazy these choices can make a person: our daughter will be 5 on 8/31. She’ll go to kindergarten this year. She’ll be one of the youngest. She’ll go to college at 17. She can’t read (yet), her brother read the summer before kinder. I’m constantly comparing. It’s not fair because he was a full year older heading into school than she is. But it’s the right choice for her. Not only is she a girl, she’s a younger sibling. The same rules don’t always apply.
Google “kindergarten red shirt” and you’ll get lots of people’s thoughts. Given my experience with kindergarten, I think you’re making the right choice.
I think the “gift of time” is complete BS. I think the cut-off should be hard core – you must send your kid if they are 5 on this day, you can’t until the next year if they are 4.
Someone is always going to be the oldest, someone the youngest. If Riley is on the cusp and you hold him back, then the early August/late July kiddo is now the youngest. If parents then hold back the July kiddo, the May/June kids are the youngest. Where do you stop? If an April/ May kid doesn’t start kindergarten until effectively 6.5 then, they are 1.5 years older than a late August kid starting at 5. Is the 5 year old not ready? Or was the other kid held back?
I say this as someone who went to first grade at 5 with an October birthday. I was always one of the youngest, but never actually the youngest. I also wasn’t nearly the last to get my license, but it also just wasn’t a big deal in my area. That said, my son (7.5 mo) is a 9/22 baby so will likely be “back” a year.
I didn’t real all the comments, but have you thought about sending him to K this year at public, see how he does and go with the recommendation of his teacher (together with your own gut) on whether to repeat or move on to 1st? This is what we did with our daughter, her bd is 8/18, cutoff here is 9/1. Repeating K is not unusual, and you don’t have to pay for that extra year of private pre-school. BTW, she’s going to 1st next year, but we definitely left it open. 2 kids in her class are repeating.
As usual… it happens in our house and you blog about it the VERY NEXT DAY!
Jacob’s birthday is December 1, which is the cut off day for Kindergarten here in MIchigan. Last night we went to our daycare’s information night for their Kindergarten. We decided to do the exact same thing for the very same reasons as you. It seems like most people I know are doing the same with their kids who have late birthdays, so you are in good company.
A teacher relative of mine pointed out to me that if we sent Jacob to kindergarten (public school) at 4 1/2, he could be as much as 15-18 months younger than his friends. Frankly, I do not want my 13.5 year old getting rides from classmates who have their driver’s licenses!!! YIKES!
Two words…
Gift Year.
I know many families who made the decision to give their children the gift of time to let their social and emotional development develop. I’ve never heard any regrets from these families. Their children have gone off to kindergarten and thrived.
My own boys? No gift year for either, and I do have regrets about son #2. Took him *years* to find his niche socially.
I don’t kick myself anymore, what’s done is done, but if I had it to do over again, I would do it differently. Childhood is a journey, and there’s a reason it lasts so long. Parenting with the end in mind, I would so like a do over with son #2.
i was 5 a week before the cutoff date, my little sis turned five a month after. i was the youngest and she was the oldest in our respective classes.
we both qualified to be skipped a grade when we went to first grade, and she was able to skip up while my parents chose to keep me put to avoid my graduating high school at 16. i would have loved to graduate at 16, but i don’t know what i would have decided to do with that time. it could have gone either way; go to college or work for 2 years until 18 and then go to college.
however i was much more studious at 16 than i ended up being at 18 by time i went to college, so who knows.
looking back at old photos it was always cute to see my sister a whole head taller than the rest of her classmates because of the age difference.
Wow, yeah, you are so not failing at anything. All you can or should do is make the decisions that you think and hope are best for your child. I promise, in 10 years it will not matter to Riley even a little if one of those choices turns out to be “wrong.” I take that back. In 1 year it won’t matter.
No matter what we do, our kids will find SOMETHING to hold over our heads as proof that we were the worlds worst parents, meanwhile, they’ll be happy healthy and fine. Then they’ll get a little older and realize maybe we did ok. Everyone makes mistakes, and they’re generally not the things that we think are important at the time, and ultimately, they mostly turn out not to be that big a deal anyway. Love your kids and do your best. That is all.
No opinion on the kindergarden thing – you know your kid and your system! – but re:before/after care, don’t feel any guilt about using it. Being in “after care” as an elementary school kid was lots of fun: I still remember one of the teachers/sitters who was hugely influential for me. Judge the particular set-up, sure, but the concept as a whole does not merit guilt, IMHO.
Also, though unrelatedly – based at least in part on your example, I (a dedicated non-runner, I-hate-running type) have bought myself appropriate shoes and embarked on a running program. So far I don’t hate it – which is very bizarre but surprisingly pleasant. Thank you.
I would also add that the after-care program can be the best part of the day for kids, which took me some time to realize. My daughter had to go for a few days when I got called out of town on a family emergency (I’m a SAHM so she had always gone home with me right after school) and she LOVED it. School is pretty regimented and so its fun for the kids to spend the after school period just playing with their friends. This was even nicer for my daughter because we don’t have any friends living close by so she had to play alone. Since then, she asks me if she can stay after once or twice a week. It depends on your program, of course, but I think that you don’t need to worry about it being a ‘punishment’ for Riley.
As for holding him back, my daughter had a mid-year birthday and I could have sent her since about half her friends were starting school. I thought it would ultimately pay off for her to be the older one in the class rather than the smallest/youngest. Now, she is BORED to tears and seems to have lost her ability to sit and concentrate. I’m switching to a private school next year to see if we can get things back on track. Its a hard call but if Riley is in a smaller program with more individual attention it will probably work out for the best.
My daughter will be 5 in June and the cut off is Aug 30 so she COULD go to kindergarten. Academically, she’d be fine. Socially, that’s another story. I have 3 teachers in my/my husbands family and 2 that are friends. I’ve asked all of them (seperately) their opinion on this and they have all told me the same thing….you won’t hurt them a bit by waiting a year, but you most certainly can by sending them too soon. We’re holding her.
My older boy has a Feb b-day, so he turned 6 in the middle of K. Perfect timing. He did pre-K last year at a different school. There were several boys in both classes who had been held back a year, so 5/6 in pre-K and 6/7 in K.
And…those were the boys with the behavior problems. I don’t know if they were bored because they were not challenged by the material, or overly aggressive because they were so much bigger than the other kids, or those problems predated formal schooling, which is why they were held back.
My second son has an early August birthday, and my husband and I both want to start him in K right after he turns 5. It will take _considerable_ convincing for us to hold him back an extra year.
And my Kindergartner is forever pestering me about letting him stay for the after school care program (b/c there is extra snack and more play time), so I wouldn’t stress about Riley not enjoying it if he does go.
Ok, 128 comments so maybe you are sick of opinions, but here goes. I have 6 kids. My oldest graduates in 13 days as one of the youngest in his class. I wish I’d held him back. Not academically, for he held his own with that, but he’s always been socially just a half step behind. I was always the youngest in my classes, and I’m not certain it was smart.
I learned my lesson – my other 5 kids are all the oldest in their classes. It’s much, much nicer.
My sister was in the same situation as Riley was and my parents actually decided to enroll her in Kindergarten. She did fine academically but her maturity level just wasn’t where it needed to be. Her school offered a class called D1 which was basically an in between grade between Kindergarten and 1st grade. My parents had such a hard time deciding whether to let her move on with her friends or “hold her back.” They decided to have her go to D1.
Now, she is older than a lot of her classmates but it doesn’t bother her at all. In fact, in high school it is pretty cool because she was one of the first to have her sweet 16 and start driving! Also, she is now leaps and bounds ahead of all her classmates academically.
I know it is a really tough decision but it sounds like you already know what to do. Go with your gut and I am sure everything will work out.
I am a late September birthday and husband is a mid-October birthday. We both lived in states with late cutoffs and started school at four and started college at 17. Neither of us had any issues beyond some I think mentioned before like being the last to start my period (ha!) and waiting until I was a junior to drive.
Now our son is also a late September birthday but we live in a state with an early September cutoff. We’ve had the opposite struggle. I feel like he would be fine starting school with all of his peers — his daycare has moved him up as though he were in the cutoff. But, the schools here don’t make any waivers for starting early.
We struggled for a while about what to do as most of the kids in his current 3K class will be going off to 4K next year. We decided to move him to a montessori school that groups the kids aged 3-6 together. We figured it would buy us some time and options to see if he would be ok if he were to start school a bit early or if another year would be beneficial.
Good luck. It is a tough choice all around.
My birthday is August 30, and my mom was going to hold me back. I begged to go, because all my friends were going that year (it was a very small town, we knew everyone) and she finally relented and let me, but told me if I didn’t do well, she’d hold me back at the end of Kindergarten and everyone would know! Gasp! So, I went, I did well, I graduated and went to college at 17 and….I’m fine? I mean, I had a very young starter marriage, but I don’t think that’s because of when I started school. However, I’ve never really heard anybody regret holding their kid back, so take my story for what you will. And I’ll be stalking the comments for advice about potty training.
I wanted to say thanks to the person who posted the link to the nytimes article. That was an interesting read.
I am a first grade teacher and a mother of a August 9th 4 year old who will be doing preschool for 2 years- like you my son is ready with academics but we feel he would benefit from another year of social growth-and as a teacher I couldn’t think of a negative-besides another year of cost
I agree with one of the commenter who said to think about giving him the gift of time later (ie College). And also, thinking about what it is to be the oldest kid in the classroom is somewhat important.
Here the cutoff date is September 30. My 3 brothers and sister are born before it (or right after it) and all started Kindergarden at 4 and turn 5 within a month it started. They all did fine, despite the fact that my oldest brother was the youngest and tiniest kid in the class. I, on the other end, am born 2 months after the cutoff date and was the oldest kid in the classroom, and hated it. I was so bored in class that at some point during elementary school I skipped a grade, and I still don’t know if that was a good decision or not. But I do know it would have been much better to start Kindergarden when I was 4, rather than skipping a grade later on (which meant having the make new friends, lose all the ones I had, and adjusting later on to being with older kids).
I know it’s a hard decision, and you know your boy best. But I think that thinking in the long term is also important at this stage. Throughout College I knew that if my undergrad degree took me longer to do (or if I switched major), I wouldn’t really lose a year.
The old adage “mothers know best” holds true here. You know your son better than anyone. If your gut is telling you to wait, then wait. No second guessing. You know what’s best.
In regards to after school care. My boys have never needed it but have begged me for it because it is so much fun!
Potty training…youngest son is 3 1/2 and still in diapers. While he uses the potty (really only at daycare because they are way better than I), unless I’m on him all the time it doesn’t happen. I’ve decided to not force the issue and as long as he’s wearing underwear by kindergarten, I’m good with it.
Lawnmower, well that just plain ol bites the big one but kids go through phases so hopefully this will be a short one! Maybe feed Dylan a story about how the lawns are being cut so the grass can be taken to the horses. You never know what works!
Where I live in Canada it’s all a little different… we have Junior Kindergarten (the child must turn 4 by December 31st the year they begin) and Senior Kindergarten (the child turns 5 by December 31st the year they begin.) We don’t really have the option of sending our son this year or next… he turns 4 at the end of September so he must start Junior Kindergarten this year and Senior Kindergarten next year. He will be one of the youngest in his class and I really am a little nervous. He’s super outgoing and I know he’ll love it, but I wonder if he has the attention span or maturity sometimes that some of the older kids will have. What is making the situation particularly scary to me is the fact that apparently since it’s a relatively small school the class is a SPLIT between Jr. and Sr. Kindergarten kids. So basically my son will turn 4 a month after school begins, and 3 months later some of the kids in his class will turn SIX! Good grief, just thinking about it all over again is giving me a panic attack lol. I just can’t believe September is so close….
We had my son repeat Pre-K and it was the best decision we have ever made as parents. Period. My son had a pretty severe speech issue that was causing him to act out because no one could understand him. He was also pretty immature and just had a tough little time with the social aspect of school. Academically he was fine so everyone and their brother (except the teachers) told us we were making a mistake. Still, we just knew something wasn’t right so we had him do Pre-K again this year and I swear to God, he is a different child. He loves school, has a lot of friends (PLAYDATES! We had PLAYDATES!) and is so well adjusted. Every single day last year his teacher was telling me about some freaking issue that he was having and this year there has been blissful silence. My kid is going into K as a 6 year old (just turned 6- May birthday) but who cares? He is really tall for his age so even if we had sent him at 5 he would be one of the biggest kids in his class.
I attended a Kindergarten readiness program when I was still kind of worried that I had screwed everything up and the speaker said something I will never forget. She said that kids who go to K before they are ready can usually putter along okay but when they hit ,iddle school the shit hits the fan and all the issues present in K rear their ugly heads in a big way. I will never forget that because I know it was true for me (I started K when I was 4 and struggled my entire school career with social stuff.)
Fact is you know Riley best. Keep reminding yourself of that.
One more voice on the hold back. I was held back for kindergarten due to a late b-day and it was the right thing for me. Then we lived overseas for a few years where they did year-round schooling and so in two years I did the U.S. equivalent of 2.5 years of school. So when we got back to the U.S. they tested me and decided that except for handwriting and a few math things (fractions and percentages are still a GREAT MYSTERY to me!) I could go into 5th grade instead of 4th. For years I was very proud of the fact that I got to skip 1/2 a grade, and academically I never had any troubles, but in hindsight I wish I’d been kept in 4th because we had just moved back into a culture I didn’t really understand (but still living in a foreign country), doing some things in class that I wasn’t ready to do, and emotionally I really wasn’t ready to be with my “peers”. If the skip had happened when I was in high school or something I don’t think it would have made a difference, but back in 4th/5th it really put a ding in my self confidence, for all that I did well in school.
Our son has a late august birthday (he will be 3) and we will almost certainly hold him back when the time comes. He is actually attending a public education preschool class 5 days a week (2 half days and 3 full days) for autistic kids – in the first two months they’ve figured out he isn’t autistic, or if he is it is only mildly so, and want to mainstream him next year into a regular preschool class with some push-in help from aides. He is sharp as a tack, but emotionally and maturity wise, we already know he won’t be ready for kindergarten with the ‘big’ kids for all that he will be used to the structure and length of a regular school day. We’re lucky in that we might get him into the mainstream preschool class in our neighborhood so he will get to know some actual neighborhood kids. The full days kick his butt right now, but the progress and improvements we’ve seen in him – he will engage people other than his parents in conversation! He will occasionally do things you ask him to do! have made it worthwhile. We only hope we aren’t damaging his self-confidence levels by pushing him into a structured program so early. On the other hand, the other kids in the class, for all that most of them are older than he is, maturity and emotionally are on the same level if not younger in many respects (most are severely autistic).
So all that to say, as a kid who has BTDT, it is easier to hold them back now, then later, and will only increase Riley’s confidence level in his ability to achieve. You aren’t doing it for “wrong” reasons (better at sports? EGAD!), so go with your gut.
Potty training…we aren’t pushing it. The other kids in preschool are potty training, and so my kiddo is exposed to it daily, and even talks about it, but when we ask if HE wants to go on the potty, we get a resounding NO! and aren’t going to push it. Yet. We have a potty waiting for him though, and he has always been very aware of his bodily functions.
My sister kept her son out of kindergarten for a year (we have two years of it here, starting at 4) as he would have been the youngest kid. BEST MOVE EVER. Now he’s one of the oldest in his class, absolutely thriving and LOVES school as a result. He doesn’t notice teh age thing. You know what’s best for Riley. Keeping him where he is sounds like a fab idea!
I wanted to add something I didn’t think of last night. I’ve heard of some research to the effect that kids’ optimal learning time is up through age 17, so if all you’ve accomplished by that age is 11th grade (or less), your outlook for your whole life will be limited by that.
Another thought is that if a child needs to work harder to do well in school, versus just gliding along, what that really means is that he’s developing a learning / working style that will make him a higher achiever throughout life – assuming he is actually capable of achieving what is expected in each grade.
Personally I don’t understand what’s so wonderful about being the oldest or so horrible about being the youngest. I was the youngest and I never wished to be older in school. I was more concerned that the curriculum be challenging enough to be worth my time. I hated that so much of the school day was spent in review for the kids who learned more slowly than I. I’m pretty sure I’m not the only person who didn’t cry about not being first to get my driver’s license. In fact, I didn’t get mine until I was in college, and it was not important to me at all. Knowing Riley as you do, what do you think he’s going to care most about – being the first to drive, being bored silly, or something else? Beware of pat statements that imply there’s only one right answer.
I didn’t read all the comments so I apologize if I”m repeating the same situation as another person. I was very young (August birthday) when I went to kindergarten and I was also very shy but academically ended up at the top of my class as a senior. This was back in the late 60’s, early 70’s. So when my son, with a late July birthday was 5, and the current thinking was to wait until kids are 6, especially boys, I questioned that. I was fine, wasn’t I? Yes. His daycare teachers told me to send him and we met with the kindergarten teacher and she wouldn’t really say (of course, she didn’t know him personally either). We sent him. Big Mistake. I should have realized he wasn’t mature enough but he was my oldest and I didn’t factor in how different the experience is when most of the other boys were 6. It turned out the teacher wasn’t helpful AT ALL either so when he struggled, she let him instead of trying to help him out a little. He ended up repeating.
That was my worst fear, because I didn’t know how to handle that without somehow allowing him to feel like a failure. You can say it is YOUR fault, but kids internalize that stuff. Our saving grace was the second kindergarten teacher. We met with the school counselor and with her, and she said she’d make him feel like a leader without letting the other kids know why he knew so much about kindergarten and the school. She made him feel extra smart because he already KNEW where the milk was, etc. We explained to him that it was our fault, he was supposed to be 6 when he went and we didn’t know that.
We are now 16 years past all of that and he’s a great young man. Everything worked out fine. I also still believe that there’s no rule about whether or not a kid is ready and that parents shouldn’t automatically make that decision based on the child’s age. However, if your gut tells you he’s not ready, then he’s probably not ready. If you send him at age 5, it may turn out fine but I’d caution you to really think about it in case you run into a situation like ours.
My Riley’s birthday is August 14th. When he started school our cutoff was July 1. (They’ve since moved it to August 1, but that still wouldn’t have helped him.)
We contemplated petitioning for a waiver to get him in when he turned 5, but decided against it. I don’t even remember exactly why we decided not to try in the end, but I’m glad we didn’t. He’s always done really well in school, currently 12 and in honors classes. And sure, he could have ended up doing just as well if he’d started a year sooner, but we’ll never know!
Of course, all kids are different, but if you’re gut is saying he should stay where he is, then I say it’s right.
Best of luck on the kindergarten redshirting issue. I’m pregnant with a boy, due September 8th, and the cutoff in my area is October 1. I’ll be flagging this for reference in 5 years.
On a somewhat-related note… here is a link to a pediatric OT blog that I’ve been finding very interesting.
http://pediatricot.blogspot.com/
I’ve been unable to stop reading the archives, learning about behaviors and therapies and the whats and whys of it all. You might find some interesting topics related to development and readiness and kindergarten.
My brother, now 32, should have TOTALLY been held back. Smart as a whip, but immature as hell! Because of the immaturity difference compared to his peers, he learned a lot of hard lessons a little too early that no doubt have an effect on him even now as an adult. He and I couldn’t be more different at communicating and we were raised by the same parents! I really believe a lot of his trouble comes from having been more immature than his peers.
My opinion…can’t hurt to hold Riley back. If he gets bored you can skip a grade later on.
If I’m not mistaken, you yourself have had various anxiety issues throughout your life, so it’s understandable that Dylan and Riley have both had to confront various fears. I think the key thing to remember is not to force anything, but just to show him by example that there’s nothing to worry about, and try not to make it a big deal. You’re not scared, Riley’s not scared, JB isn’t scared, and he doesn’t have to be scared either. It’s an inconvenient fear, but soon enough he should realize it’s inconvenient for him too, and then he’ll hopefully be motivated to get over it. Good luck!
My oldest son will be six in two weeks (how in the heck did that happen?!). He’s been in a kindergarten prep class this year and will start kindergarten in the fall. I had a few moments when I wondered if we had made the wrong decision on this – he’s also pretty bright, and I think sometimes he is bored.
But then I went to kindergarten orientation this spring and talked with the kindergarten teachers and other parents, and it really confirmed our decision to wait. I think if we had put him in kindergarten last year, we may have been dealing with a lot of discipline issues. But now? He’s ready, he’s excited, and I think he’s going to do GREAT! Stick with your plan, definitely.
Send him to school! He’ll be fine. Don’t overthink it – if he makes the cutoff date and isn’t a total spaz then let him be with his friend. Believe me, there will be tons of immature kids in Kindergarten. Seriously though – he’ll probably be bored out of his gourd next year and it sounds like there are doubts you’re ignoring.
As for the little one and lawnmowers, maybe let him root around in one, get familiar with it, let him try to push one or go for broke and take him to a home depot. He’ll get used it to it at his pace.
Whelp, I see that you have 145 comments already, so I’m probably not telling you anything that 145 people haven’t already said, BUT…
Our cutoff for Kindergarten is November 30. My daughter was born Sept. 18. Although she was tall for her age and prepared very well by her preschool for the academic rigors of Kindergarten, we had second thoughts about putting her in at 4, to turn 5 a couple weeks after school started. She was very shy and didn’t speak much in class. Her preschool was at a Jewish synagogue, and they had a program called Gesher, which was like, pre-K but post-pre-K. So we said, well, let’s start her and if it doesn’t go well, we’ll pull her out and put her in Gesher and try again. Well, she soared in Kindergarten and I’ve never regretted our decision. She is among the youngest in her class, but is an honor student.
On the other hand, my stepdaughter’s bday is November 24, and she is small for her age. I met her months before she started Kindergarten so my familiarity with her maturity is light. But her folks kept her in preschool another year and started her when she was actually 5. So she is among the oldest in her class, although the shortest, and is also an honor-caliber student.
So, you know, I guess you’ll have to decided what Riley’s maturity level is and realize that it’ll be OK no matter what. Do you have the option on bailing on Kindergarten if it doesn’t work out?
Also, my daughter has been in full time daycare since she started K (she is now finishing 5th grade). The school has an on-site center and it’s been great. Despite the fact that she is now 10 and could walk over to my house after school, we left her in because we love the staff and they love my daughter. It’s been an amazing addition to her schooling.
If I were in the same position as you, I’d be making the same decision.
Here in BC, full-day kindergarten is starting this year in 50% of the schools, and will be in 100% of the schools by the time my daughter starts in a couple of years.
The next recommendation by the Early Learning Agency is fully-subsidized care/academic programs for 3- and 4-year-olds. As in, free preschool. I’m hoping that one comes into effect in time for my daughter (and my bank account) to take advantage of, too.
You guys, thank you SO MUCH for your comments on this. It’s been really interesting, and in more than one case, comforting to hear what you have to say. Thanks for sharing all your stories.
(Lastly, to Sound Body, Sound Mind: let a 2-yo “root around” … IN A LAWNMOWER. Heh. I have to say, I did not think of that.)
My middle son’s birthday is August 8th. We kept him back one year and I think it was a good decision. When Riley gets into sports, that extra year will be helpful and the maturity will be a benefit too! My guy really had trouble sitting still even with the extra year, but would have been a mess if I’d started him when he was five.
Just trust your instincts. You’ve done great so far!
My daughter’s birthday is August 13th. Her preschool teachers gave her rave reviews and thought she would do great in kindergarten. But I wanted to keep her home another year for the simple fact that her brother who is 23 months older than her would only be a year ahead of her in school. So with everybody saying I was nuts for not sending her, including my husband, I flat out asked her teachers for ONE good reason to keep her home. They asked us one simple question. “Do you want a leader or a follower?” With that one question it changed my husband’s mind about sending her. She is in 4th grade now and I have never regretted my decision. She is a leader. Everything I wish I would have been when I was her age.
It is to date the hardest and most thought out choice I’ve made as a parent. You have no idea how happy I was when our 3rd (surprise baby) was born in October!
As for potty training.. he rocks at home and does bad outside of the house. So with his brother and sister’s baseball/softball/soccer schedule I’m thinking it might be awhile till we stop spending our money on those piss traps. I’m not to worried, I’ve never seen kids in kindergarten wearing diapers. And heck he won’t be going there till he’s almost 6 so he’s got plenty of time….hee.
And thank you for throwing the subject out there. I need to go read all of the advice from your lovely readers and see if I can use any of their tricks!
I say trust your instincts also. You know your child the best. My 2 cents though would to say I think your plan sounds like a good one. My friend had a son that fell into the same birthday slot. She put him in kindergarten…things went ok till about 2nd grade, when she opted to hold him back at that stage(much more traumatic). Maturity wise he was falling far behind. I think also with boys, that added year held back makes a huge difference.
Firestarter your face off!
Haha!! Good stuff right there.
I’m not going to reinvent the wheel, here – I think its well established that a MAJOR component of learning IS maturity, or readiness, if you will, and time and again we see that those children who are on the bubble generally benefit from “staying back”.
My daughter falls into this category – missed the cutoff by 3 days, but I am thankful – she will have that advantage of maturity – not only in education/learning, but also in sports/activities (and its not because I want her to “beat up” on the younger ones or I am intentionally stacking her against younger/smaller kids, but seriously, from a maturity & physically developmental standpoint, it WILL be a benefit for her)…..plus, we get to keep her home another year – and I’ll take every minute of additional maturity I can get before sending her out “on her own”
And let’s not overlook THIS important fact –
that’s an EXTRA year of saving for college!!! :) :) :) :)
Haha…root around may not have been the best choice of words – you know, use common sense, but still – I’m for exploring. A toy lawn mower just isn’t the same.
But I’m also not in the new-millenium mom tribe – I never tied my son to me with a scarf (I’m sure those slings have a name) or had a mom blog or took him to swim lessons. I taught him to swim myself. Never read a parenting book, didn’t breast feed (but I don’t feed my kid animal parts either) and got my son a bow & arrow when he was 10. We ran our first 5k together when he was 11. I’m all about getting out there and tearing it up. I had a ball being a mom to a little one.
Good luck!
You’ve probably heard it all by now but I’ll share anyway. Nick is just getting ready to “graduate” from preschool. He is a late October baby and although the school his older brother attends would have allowed him to start kinder this year, we chose to keep him in preschool to allow his maturity to catch up to his brain. Best decision we ever made!! He is vastly different than he was this time last year and I think he will be much more successfull. I think girls are a different story but with boys I think you’re making the right choice. As for afterschool care, lots of kids do it. I chose not to this year and my 2nd grader has actually asked to stay a few times so he can run around with his friends.
Lawnmowers….no idea. My 8yo still used to run in the house if dad was mowing the lawn. Then suddenly a couple of weeks ago he got interested and dad let him help…now he wants to mow the lawn! Wasn’t anything I did!
And don’t ask me about pottytraining. One of the reasons I love love love my daycare/preschool is because they did it!! I just got on board with their suggestions. Although I didn’t listen to their suggestion of no pull-ups at bedtime and I have created my own hell.
Re: the potty training, I’d say go for it if you are ready to ditch the work and expense of diapers. We daytime trained our son at 24 months. We’d been using a potty since 6 months. But the secret in finishing the training for good was to ditch the diapers. I asked my son to help package them up and told him he was a big boy now and no longer needed them. We had several accidents, especially in the first month. But it’s the accidents that taught him that it’s unpleasant to go in your pants. We had to overcome our reluctance to deal with the accidents and let him learn for himself. Also, we regularly offer him chances to use the potty. At 29 months, daytime diapers already seem like a distant memory – and the pants fit so much better!
Hold him back. My oldest son who is now a junior in high school was the youngest in his class and although he was on track academically he struggled in the maturity department. Not until middle school did it all straighten out. On the flip side his younger brother started kindergarten on the older side and there was never an issue academically or socially. Boys tend to mature later than girls so I think holding them back in the lower grades is the way to go.
Maura
Absolutely no words of advice on potty-training. My son didn’t completely potty-train until he was 6. (He’s 13 now and is fully potty-trained now, but for many years we were very worried). He is “gifted.” He did NOT go to public school kindergarten. Not because he is “gifted” and it wasn’t good enough, but because he’s the world’s most immature boy and needed another year of a small-class setting to be ready to succeed in public school. If that’s what feels right for your son, it IS right. Each child is different. We’ve never regretted our choice. His sister who is 15 months younger? Now SHE went to all-day public school kindergarten and thrived. Different strokes for different folks! :)
No kinder pays attention! If you want to send him to kindergarten @ public school -send him to school, if you don’t keep him in daycare.
Will you start him in 1st grade the next year if he does kinder @ daycare? Or will he do kinder @ public school the year after kinder @ daycare?
I started kinder @ 4 years old (my birthday is in October) so I was 4 when everyone else was 5 – then they all turned 6 while I was still 5…and…it was OK.
I’m sure you’ll make the right choice (and isn’t it too late to get into public school now anyway? I know in Seattle, where I live – there is serious competition for certain schools).
I really appreciate this conversation. We’ve got a 7/31 birthday here and although we’ve still got a year of pre-k left at his current school (he’ll be 4 this July) I have already started fretting about the decision. If our current plan prevails, he’ll go to kindergarten the following fall and be one of the young ones in class. Our thinking is that after 4 years of preschool he’ll be ready for a change and what is the worst that can happen, we re-do kindergarten again the following year, or pull him after the first week if it proves to be too much. We are in the unique situation that most of his close friends are also summer birthdays and will be starting at the same time as he will so the class will be young regardless. I do plan to talk to both his teacher and parent educator next winter and have them do an evaluation, so our decision is by no means set in stone.
It seems crazy to me that in 1981 when I started kindergarten with a 10/18 birthday I could have started at 4 years old, seems as though things have swung from starting kids early to the majority of parents holding kids back a year.
This isn’t quite the impractical fear of lawnmowers but I once knew a four year old who was terrified of The Flintstones. (He’s now a tattoo artist who admires Giger.)
I remember myself being afraid of corner grocery stores after seeing a bloody wrestling magazine cover in one. I decided all grocers were evil after that.
For kids, the world really is a fairy tale place. On the one hand, magical (Horse!) and on the other horrifying (Lawnmower!).
I wonder, does Dylan like motorcycles? They make a racket.
If you have any doubts keep him home. You will thank yourself at age 12 and every year after and then again when he goes off to college. Frontal lobe development is no joke. :-p Give him the gift of time with no regrets.
Every kid is so different. My son turned 5 in Oct. so he started kindergarten at 4. He was very small for his age the the people at his preschool treated him like he was much younger and they’d carry him around like a baby. He was so cute.
That is why I pushed him into Kindergarten early. I wanted him to be treated like other kids his age, regardless of his size and that’s exactly what we got. We never regret starting him early, he flourished and did very well. It’s not as if Kindergarten is that intense academically or socially for that matter.
Ha! Looking back, that phase was so easy. Now as for 7th grade. Oy Vay! That is a tough age. Puberty and all that good stuff. I want my kindergartner back.
I must add that my son went to a Montessori school which really does cater to a kids individual needs, so that might have helped. Good luck! These choices are never easy.
Noah will be five on Sept. 30th, and our school district’s cut-off is Sept. 1. So kindergarten isn’t even remotely on the table for him next year, which is such, SUCH a good thing. There’s no way he’s ready. Obviously Noah has a whole set of “other” things going on that Riley doesn’t, but it still boils down to: Smart But Freaking Immature Kid.
I think you’re doing the right thing.
No idea about the lawnmower fear…a bubble mower that he can supply his own non-scary sound effects for? (Or, you know, thoroughly traumatize him MORE YAY.)
I’m going to jump in on the lawn mower fear. Ugh.
My daughter when she was Dylan’s age suddenly became afraid of coming in to the kitchen. So so strange. At first we would force her in but the freak out was just not worth it so eventually we just stopped talking about it and let her come around when ready. Weeks passed. Then one day my parents came to visit and she just naturally followed them into the kitchen and all has been fine since.
So I’m thinking, and this is hard I know, but maybe Dad and Riley can go out and play and make a big show of having a good time?? Or you can invite friends and family over for a BBQ to help distract from him hearing so much but he’ll be outside and having fun ??
It sucks. I know. It’ll pass.
My youngest’s bday is Aug 18, she’s probably the ABSOLUTE youngest in her class. She’ll turn 10 in Aug and her best friend turns 11 a few months later in Oct. While her young age coupled with ADHD have made for some challenging times. Her teacher and I agreed in the fall that there were multiple things going on with her behavior, her immaturity being one of them. But at this point it is what it is. But at the time I didn’t even think about holding her back from kindergarten. All I can say is do what you think is best for your situation.
My son is in the same situation! He’ll be five August 10th and school here actually starts August 2nd. We have decided, after much debate, to enroll him in kindergarten. We honestly believe he’ll be bored if we keep in him preschool another year. His teachers insist that since he’s a boy with a summer birthday he should be given more time to mature. But, I’m not betting my son’s love of learning on a year of maturity. I really believe that he’ll be bored and unchallenged in preschool for another year. Many tell me that he’ll be the youngest in the group – well, yes he will if everyone else is holding back. But, I’m not one to do what everyone else does. And, I’m not holding him back just because it’s easier on teachers. Some hold back for sports reasons. Well, I’m not betting my sons future on the possibility that he’ll maybe one day want to play sports. For now he’s going to kindergarten. He passed the screening process with flying colors, and he’s very excited to go to a new school. You couldn’t pay me enough to kill that with another year of preschool!
and one more thing – I hear many people talk about leaders and followers. My son is neither. He marches to the beat of his own drummer and always has. It’s one of the qualities I love most about him. Sometimes these kids just don’t fit into these boxes of reasons. That’s why the decision needs to be made on an individual basis. Good luck.
Not reading all the comments (my eyes were bleeding) – but my daughter missed the cutoff by 10 days – but I could have sent her to a private school in the area that had a different cut-off. I talked to people about it who said waiting was the better choice – hey: you get an extra year with them! and I agree on most every front – many positives for waiting. The fact that academically she would probably be happier to be a year ahead (she’s always bored at school) does make me wonder sometimes if I made the right choice – but all in all, I wouldn’t change it.
I know I’m days late on this, but I had to chime in. I teach kindergarten at a childcare center (a nationwide chain) and, without knowing Riley personally, am as certain as I can be that your instinct and your decision is the correct one. This year, 80% of my class is composed of children who missed or barely made the kindergarten cutoff age for their public school district. You are, by far, not the only parent making this decision, and Riley is unlikely to be the oldest child in his kindergarten class next year.
When I began teaching three years ago, I strongly disagreed with the practice of holding children back who were technically of kindergarten attendance age, but I have made a complete about face on the issue. In my experience, it is extremely difficult to tell the difference between the nearly-six-year-olds and the barely-five-year-olds in the fall when kindergarten begins; by springtime, the difference is dramatic. The older children conduct themselves differently, are better able to attend to tasks, are less emotional, and have fewer outbursts. The younger children are still wiggly and tantrum-prone, and the quality of their work is noticably different (fine motor skills simply take time to develop).
My class size is considerably smaller than in public school and my program is full-day, which affords me the luxury of having time to really work with my students on social skills and self-regulation, not to mention the ability to work one-on-one with children to better meet their academic needs. Children grow by leaps and bounds, and it is possible that over the course of the year in private kindergarten, Riley will just blossom in those areas that are causing concern. All of my young kindergartners are more than ready to succeed in public school kindergarten in the fall, and a few have actually become emotionally, socially, and academically ready for first grade.
Best of luck to you and Riley!
I had problems with that too. My daughter is very old in her class. I really wanted to move her up in kindergarten. So in this I have talked to numerous teachers who all say with boys they should stay back that one year. I have a friend who did it with her boy and never ever regretted the decision. Good luck
I work with kids and I tell every mom struggling to make this decision this:
I was born two weeks before the deadline and went to kindergarten on time. My sister was born barely after the cut-off and she was held back. We both turned out fine. Whatever you do, it will be okay.
I had the same thing with my daughter (and I know that girls mature faster than boys). Cut off date was Sept 30 and her birthday was Sept 24. She was the youngest in her class. Academically she was fine. We didn’t notice anything till about 7th through 9th grade with her maturity level, but if I had it to do over again, I’d probably still do the same thing…. AND she turned out fine – she is now a senior in college -
Just to add to the chorus: we held my ‘cutoff’ kid back a year and it was all good. Now he’s a junior in high school and all his senior friends – the kids he played baseball and went to summer camp with (age segregated activities with different cutoff dates) – are graduating, taking senior trips, leaving for college. Needless to say, he feels kinda abandoned and bored with the thought of yet another year of high school. Could be a tough senior year for him. I still think it was the right thing to do though, even if it does catch up with us in the end. Could be a good life lesson in delayed gratification. We’ll see.
If you can swing it financially, I’m all for waiting if you have any doubts about his readiness. You know your kid and it’s important to set him up for success in school. Obviously academics aren’t an issue at this young age but self confidence and nurturing a passion for learning is paramount. And other than the expense, I don’t see a downside to waiting another year.
On the subject of odd toddler phobias… My Riley (turning 2 next week) was terrified of a roller skating Santa Claus someone gave us two Christmases ago. If we even made the slightest move toward the on switch, he would get hysterical screaming, “NOOOO! Ho Ho Ho!” We threw it in the trash after several unsuccessful attempts at desensitizing him and a terrible incident where he accidentally came upon its hiding (lurking) place in the back of our closet. I honestly thought Riley’s head was going to explode from sheer terror. Sometimes (still) when he awakens at night crying from a nightmare and I ask him what scared him he says, “Dare-wuz a ssssound!”
“What sound?”
“The Ho Ho Ho!”
Apparently Freddy Krueger aint got nothing on Roller Skating Santa!