There are many indignities to aging but I’m glad I’m not yet suffering with the malady Dog has acquired in her middle years: the Poop Blot. I’m not sure when I first noticed the Blot but it happens when she sits in a certain position and scratches herself, her foot doing that Thumper thing on the floor and her butthole, presumably, resting comfortably directly on the carpet while getting its surface pounded into the fibers. Then she gets up to wander off and lo! A brownish blot remains.

I did take her to the vet to get the situation checked out because I am not a monster whose actions are limited to poking fun of the afflicted on the Internet (to be clear, I am absolutely that monster, but I contain multitudes) and they ruled out an assortment of potential butt-leaking diseases while mentioning that sometimes, dogs of a certain, ah, girth, are occasionally known to experience poop blots because of — and I can’t remember the exact scientific name here, but it was something like Lardassius Canis Lupus, also known as Fatty Fatty Boomba-Labby.

It’s true that Dog has taken on a shape that Riley describes as “like … if a Tootsie Roll was also a dog?” thanks in no small part to her annual gorging on fallen apples in the backyard plus her overall food drive which once prompted a dog-boarding employee to say she was the most food-oriented Lab he’d ever seen, which is impressive because most Labs will eat anything and everything including socks and LEGOs and crayons (check check and orange-flecked CHECK) but even among her garbage-disposal kind she is something of an outlier in that she acts as though she has been starving for literal years and routinely eats her own fresh lawn deposits.

We don’t give her scraps because 1) it makes the already-annoying begging even worse and 2) while I admittedly follow more than one chonky-animal Instagram account and am constantly shoving my phone in peoples’ faces to show them yet another overweight raccoon haw haw HAAAAAAW lookit that fat trash panda I don’t actually want to contribute to my pet’s health woes, but between scavenging fallen kid-crumbs and tucking into both her and the cats’ doots on the reg she seems to be snacking quite frequently and although the latter habit is fairly disgusting I can’t really fault her, these are trying times we’re all living in, I myself prefer a fistful or five of Triscuits when it comes to distracting myself from the hellscape of current events but perhaps in her limited way she is not only self-medicating but saving the planet while doing so. Dog is upcycling.

Anyway, while the poop-eating is unfortunate, it can at least be mostly ignored (until she comes inside and immediately wants to lick your face, that is) but the Poop Blot is a near-daily occurrence that has me constantly stalking around with the Folex and scanning the carpet Terminator-style until I locate yet another sphincter-shaped stain and honestly, this why I am both plastered to ongoing coronavirus news with grim fascination, partially convinced we’re all about to live out The Stand, and largely unconcerned about germs in general because that would require a standard of feces-bacteria-free living that is at least several cleanliness levels above the one this beloved and repulsive Tootsie roll has brought to my existence.


15 Responses to “Out damned spot”

  1. Marty DeLaney on March 4th, 2020 9:17 am

    This is amazingly true. I have seen it in my own dogs but never had it explained so brilliantly..
    Thank you for a great laugh today!

  2. Jeanette on March 4th, 2020 9:29 am

    Hilarious, and not so much but still..hilarious!

  3. Elizabeth_K on March 4th, 2020 10:24 am

    Oh my — I am only two years into dog ownership (the kids, they wear your down with begging) and I am not looking forward to this particular stain of the future …

  4. Kim on March 4th, 2020 11:02 am

    That FACE!!
    After recently suffering through a dog-induced 4-inch tear in our newish couch, I’m convinced god or whatever entity made them so cute so as to keep us loving and forgiving their multitudes of transgressions.

  5. Carrie on March 4th, 2020 12:48 pm

    Oh my god FOLEX: best stuff ever.

  6. Jennifer on March 4th, 2020 12:54 pm

    I love my animals with an irrational ferocity, and yet…they are straight up disgusting.
    My disgust level improved slightly when I moved and installed solid surface flooring throughout. No rugs, no carpet for me and my pets!

  7. Sande on March 4th, 2020 1:41 pm

    I had a Beagle who leaked at the behind. I referred to it as his metallic ass because of the damn smell. He too ate his own and our other dog’s feces. Sometimes right out of the pipe which was disgusting and intriguing to watch. Both have since passed away and we swore off dogs until a little girl caught our heart. Well she eats her own biscuits too and we are constantly running outside when we see her assume the position. The best is when we don’t catch her pooping but see her throwing around her own poop too keep herself amused in the backyard. Again disgusting and intriguing but in a different way.

  8. Jennifer Lucas on March 4th, 2020 3:07 pm

    Can’t speak the poop blot (yet–our dog is just 1yr and has a whole host of his own gross issues), but I did read that if you give dogs pineapple it makes their poop taste so bad they won’t eat it. Maybe worth looking into to take one thing off his proverbial plate.

  9. Mary on March 4th, 2020 7:12 pm

    Try adding pumpkin to her food! Firms things right up

  10. Eve on March 5th, 2020 5:43 am

    Hahahahaha! This had me laughing out loud! Thank you for bringing some joy!!!!

  11. PETE J HAIDINYAK on March 5th, 2020 9:44 am

    Awww, puppy!I had to put my German Shepard down awhile ago and while dogs are a major PIA I can’t wait until I can get another one. Dog are the closest thing to unconditional love you can find.

  12. Shawna on March 5th, 2020 12:50 pm

    There are dog butt wipes – would it be better to wipe her when she comes in? We sometimes take klingons off our dog’s butt with those. Or is post-poop residue not the problem and post-entry-into-the house the issue?

  13. Jen on March 6th, 2020 9:34 am

    Kidney-disease having Ebi recently cut his leg open on the hike he was on and bled all over my wool rug in toe-shaped circles, because of course having kidney disease means he needs someone to walk him and take him out once a day while I’m at work and no I didn’t want to save for my retirement.

  14. Mackenna on March 8th, 2020 10:01 pm

    I needed that laugh.

  15. Liz Kreiger on March 12th, 2020 9:51 am

    Oh, how I love your writing. You are in a league of your own.

Leave a Reply