Jan
22
January 22, 2007
One of the eighty billion things I love about this blog is how I can ask for a salon recommendation and half a day later I have twenty different personally-endorsed businesses to choose from. You guys are awesome.
I called the Bellevue salon, Obadiah, and ended up getting an appointment TODAY, which was incredibly cool and JB grudgingly conceded to pick up Riley only after being promised a sexual favor of the oral variety gallantly volunteered to get the boy so I could make it to the salon after work.
Verdict: well, I liked the salon and the adorable pixie-like girl who cut my hair (she was so tiny and cute, I kept imagining her in a snowglobe, wielding a flatiron and surrounded by falling glitter), but my hair is very short now. Very very short. Shorter than I expected or asked for, and I am pretty sure I was clear on the length I wanted.
However, all the damaged frizzy crappy hair is now gone, and even though I feel a little…nude, like a freshly shorn sheep, it’s nice to be wearing a clean slate on my head. Plus, it’s going to be a breeze, ha ha haaaaaa, to blow-dry this do:
Pardon the dorkiness of the photo, I haven’t quite mastered the Artistic Mirror Self Portrait pose. I actually took one picture with my eyes crossed because I thought it would be funny, but I was so horrified by my missing-link appearance (seriously, it was…deeply disturbing) I deleted it, then emptied the trash for good measure.
Anyway, I’m generally pleased with the salon, the cut feels good even though it’s a bit more dramatic than what I had planned, and I got to park in a nice big garage and avoid the U-Village mall rats, so thumbs up on Obadiah.
And now the topic will change! The changing of the topic is now!
So, I recently read someone’s blog where she announced her decision to quit her job and be a stay-at-home mom, and someone in her comments stated how glad she was to hear the news, because she’d always wondered why people even have kids if they’re ‘just going to let someone else raise them’.
(I may not be quoting the commenter word for word, but I believe I am capturing the sentiment accurately.)
It’s not the first time I’ve encountered that particular point of view, although it’s been thankfully rare. I know we live in a world of diverse opinions and it’s okay to disagree and it’s all a rich tapestry blah blah blah acceptance-cakes but can someone explain to me just how the hell a person comes to see a working mother as someone who does not raise her own fucking children?
God, it makes me angry. It makes me angry that as parents we are so quick to judge one another’s choices. It makes me angry that someone out there believes I provide Riley with a sub-standard childhood because he goes to a dynamic, loving childcare environment for part of the week. It makes me wonder just how much crack someone has to smoke to believe that mothers and fathers who work outside the home somehow escape the responsibilities of parenting — the joys, the burdens, the whole rollercoaster.
Well! That was ranty. Since I don’t want to end this entry on such a grouchy note, here are a few recent pictures that make me smile:
A little bird, hanging out on our fence.
The boy, who would like to know why in hell we haven’t put away the Christmas tree stand. Also could someone get some Windex over here? Thanks.
JB and Riley, teetering.
Another lame photo taken in a mirror but since it’s a vanity mirror that makes it okay. Right?
May I present…the suctopus. “What up ladies?”
Comments
-
My product review site:
[
Oh, sure, leave it to a MAN to articulate it really well.
Not that y’all ladies aren’t saying smart, awesome things; but I have to note that Scott’s comment really made me laugh, and his point about seeing his dad work hard brings up important issues that often get left out in the whole (ridiculous) debate. Also, based on Scott’s description, I am thinking more and more that daycare might be better for our family than a nanny (sometime in the next year, I’ll be a mom, and a working one at that, as soon as we plow through the rest of the adoption process).
And I will agree with Sundry that, on the whole, I see more support for stay-at-home moms than for working moms, although it could be my own preemptively defensive posture that filters things as such. As a society, we’ve made few strides in terms of making life easier for double-income families, including family leave and emergency childcare. In that sense, we are so grossly behind Europe — especially Northern Europe — that I am thinking of buying a bicycle and moving to Denmark.
I think the thing that bothers me most about comments like the one discussed here is that they automatically make me feel defensive and hostile about a subject I normally go with the flow on. I figure if staying home works for you great! If working works for you, great! But when the criticism starts flying, I feel hostile and on the verge of saying nasty things I don’t even mean because I feel like I have to defend my choices. The whole thing is polarizing and a waste of time. I’m with others who wish we could just stop talking about “Mommy wars” and ripping each other apart because having kids is hard enough without feeling the need to justify some of the hardest decisions we will ever make.
Scott, you are awesome.
Love the cut!
A good friend of mine became a SAHM a year and a half ago when her family moved so her husband could take a new job (necessitating her to leave her job). The husband’s new job pays very well, so she doesn’t need to go back to work, and she enjoys staying home with her toddler and new baby. And get this: she feels guiltly ALL THE TIME that her kids don’t go to daycare. She thinks they’re not getting enough stimulation and socialization and that it’s boring for them to hang out with only her all day. No matter how many times I tell her that’s crazy-talk, she still feels bad about it. And it’s not like they’re sitting on the couch all day watching Barney, her kids go to more activities than I did in high school and college combined.
I think all the judgement that parents lay on each other is really misdirected guilt. Everyone has to work out their own way in raising their children. Why can’t we all get along?
PS – I also love the haircut!
The hair is totally cute. And I don’t think the photo is dorky at all; it’d make a good indie-rock album cover.
People who make comments like that don’t live in reality-seriously. First, there’s the money problem. Most households need two incomes. Second, I think some day care is good for kids from a socialization perspective. In cave-man days (speaking of the missing link) and even more recently, babies and kids had interaction with groups. My husband is a stay at home Dad and I long for him to take the baby to the gym when he works out because she LOVES other kids, and she gets none of that at home. Third, what the hell. I mean what do people think that you only can love a kid if you stay home with him/her? Does that mean that the commenters husband will have no effect on her child or is a bad father – because he isnt staying home. Maybe they should both quit their jobs and collect welfare – that way they can raise their child just them and what a good concept that would show the child. Finally, I think working (as I do) makes you appreciate the time with your child – maybe even more than if you are a stay at home parent. I cherish my time with my baby and try to always make it really count. Anyhow – don’t feel bad, that comment is CRAP.
PS: if you think you get negative comments about daycare or being a stay at home mom, you should here hear the comments (and occasional dirty/questioning looks) my wonderful husband gets for being a stay at home Dad. People think he (a) has no ambition; (b) has no balls (which clearly he must as he fathered the child); (c) is subserviant; and (d) must have been an unskilled loser of an employee who couldn’t get a “real” job. Nice…people can be such jackasses.
This has always been a hot button for me. I have worked full time since before I got married and had kids, and I HATE HATE HATE it when women attack each other for what they do. Each scenario has good points and bad points. No family, marriage, income, or situation is the same so we all need to support each other and LET IT BE!!
One thing not mentioned so far, and it’s a little off the subject, is the poor SAHM who is taken for granted by her husband (and kids.) Add that to the mix. My friend’s husband tells her that anything on their property and within their home (24X7) is her responsibility. His responsibility? His job, and then he gets to rest. Hers is a thankless, neverending job.
I know all men aren’t like that (my husband, thankfully, is great), but it is variations like that which make each person’s situation completely and utterly unique.
I love the open-minded, non-judgmental people who comment on this site (see also abortion post.) It is kind of amazing and very refreshing!
A woman in our pediatrician’s office, a nurse I think, verbally crucified me saying that the “ideal” is 2 days. 2 hafl days actually. That’s how much a mom “should” work to be operating in the child’s best interest. The first time she did it I was ready to give my kid up to someone who could love her the right way. The next 2 times, yes 2, I countered that I thought my 4 half days a week at the office were just fine, which of course was met with a withering glance and a sniff. A sniff, seriously, like something straight out of a trashy novel. The next time…oh wait, I’m sorry,there was no next time.I changed practices so that miserable bitch can attack someone else.
Society is indeed unforgiving and judgemental about parenting.
I’m pretty sure that many of those same folks would argue your favor for JB is proof positive that you are an evil, evil sinner. I say they can go pound salt.
You are a spectacularly coiffed kick ass mama. Don’t let anyone tell you different.
“And I will agree with Sundry that, on the whole, I see more support for stay-at-home moms than for working moms, although it could be my own preemptively defensive posture that filters things as such. ” (from a comment above)
I would have to agree with that simply because of the opposite in my life – I hear much more support for working moms, but I’m assuming that’s because I’m a SAHomer. Maybe we naturally hear the support for the other side because of the defensiveness. If so, I just found a new goal. To just ignore the icky judgments on both sides, because, ew. Parenting is hard enough and guilt ridden enough for me to keep heaping on the unneccesary guilt and judgments from people who don’t live my life or get an opinion. Seriously. Women need to be way more supportive of each other. If we were, I’m pretty sure we would be turning out kids that are even more awesome because they would not see and emulate the pettiness. What a great thing to put a stop to no matter if you work or stay at home.
“What a great thing to put a stop to no matter if you work or stay at home.”
G – that’s so true, and you know, I really shouldn’t react to negative opinions by ranting and giving those opinions space, either in my head or in my blog.
I agree with g, for what it’s worth – I think we all see more support for the opposite of what we’re doing. From my vantage point, as a person who has no stake in any of this, other than I will be a mom some day, I will say that I see both being attacked equally, but by different groups. I absolutely do not see any more support for the SAHM than I do for the working mom. I think both are attacked with equal vigor. To be fair, the blogging world, where a lot of us get detailed information on universes different from our own, is skewed towards the SAHM/WAHM, to some degree, and for the love of Christ, run from message boards with all of your might.
However, if nothing else, I see more intellectual snobbery contributing to the cause for the working mom, which is yet another subversive way of making SAHMs feel like while they might be better moms, they’re just dumber people. It’s a constant game of “I’m better!” from both sides. I’m being entirely serious here, and it’s a royal shame, for there are a lot of smart, capable hardworking moms who just happen to make the decision to stay at home, for whatever reason. It’s like everyone is trying to win a war on whatever terms makes them feel better about themselves.
“I’m a better mom!”
“Yeah, but dude, I’m way SMARTER than you, look at what I’ve done career-wise!”
“But I am there for my kids!”
“But I am setting a better EXAMPLE!”
Honestly, it’s really frustrating, and like I said, the intellectual argument is kind of rooted in snobbery, and I don’t see how that’s any better than the argument that SAHMs are better parents.
Also, while I support everyone defending their individual choices, to your last point, Sundry, I think it just contributes to the problem. Inherent in everyone’s responses is how they explain their own situation, which is laced with a little personal justification and “my way is kind of better, but I don’t want to come out and say it.”
I don’t know, I feel like we all need to quit bashing each other’s choices and stop promoting negativism (note to self: take own medicine) but at the same time it’s always helpful for me to learn about other people’s parenting choices and the reasons behind it. If I can hear it without feeling criticized. That’s a personal challenge, obviously, but I don’t think we need to collectively stop having the conversation — we just need to have a *better* conversation.
And by “frustrating” I should have clarified that it’s frustrating not to make those arguments when confronted with the issue, and frustrating that they exist for us to use as a crutch. Because I will put dollars to donuts that I will be of the working, or at the very least, WAHM variety, and to be completely honest and transparent, I’ve thought that through as part of the justification for my own decisions to make sure I’d be okay with myself if that’s what I chose, and I don’t like myself very much in retrospect when I have that conversation with myself. Also, my universe/friends are primarily of the working mom variety, so that’s the rhetoric I hear and perpetuate most often.
I feel compelled to make that distinction, because I was kind of harsh on the working mom justification, when really, I was trying to beat myself up for doing that more than anything. Which is very, very wrong and selfish and obnoxious of me, not to mention overly defensive without any reason, given that, last time I checked, I’m not anyone’s mother.
It’s okay to rant and talk about these things. At the very least, it’s awesome to see that there ARE a lot of non-crazy, awesome people who all agree we should be less judgmental of one another. That is reassuring!
Sorry – yes, I meant that having the conversation is good, but not framing it in the context of a defensive tone, not so much.
Too often, when people talk through their choices (and I am definitely including myself), it’s framed in comparison to what the alternative is, and how their choice is better than the alternative on a global scale, rather than seeing the merits on their own, in the context of their own personal situation. The rhetoric becomes a comparison game, rather than an explanation of personal choices and personal circumstances that may or may not work for other people.
I really need to stop talking on the phone while commenting on blogs.
And oh holy God, I wasn’t talking about you being defensive, I was talking generalizations (and more, ah, me than anyone). Sweet mary alive, I am a commenting disaster today.
Jonniker — THIS IS ABOUT MY SELF PORTRAIT ISN’T IT???
(Heh)
Oftentimes I am compelled to comment on our latest post and feel that I have nothing meaningful to contribute seeing as I am an unmarried, childless college student. But nonetheless, I think I am somewhat qualified to comment on the varying degrees of cuteness of a) haircuts and b) baby pictures. Both of which are adorable! I recently cut ten inches off my hair and I felt like I was a completely different person. Seriously, that haircut makes your eyes look huge. In a good way, not in a bug-eyed, butt-of-Simon-Cowell’s-jokes sort of way.
You know, I’m reading these comments, and it all seems so trivial. The entire planet is never going to get along and share the same opinions, there will never be a group hug and we all won’t just get along. I see no sense in getting upset when someone has a different opinion, because odds are, everyone has a different opinion than you.
Love the hair. And you have really gorgeous DOE EYES in that photo!
Love Scott’s comment, and now I am going to call my mom and ask why she didn’t send me to a fun daycare where the kids got to play with cans of shaving cream.
And, finally, love the junco on the fence. There’s a lot of them little guys around in winter!
Angela — I hear you, and I think I should probably check myself before getting all foamy-mouthed over some random comment I read somewhere.
On the other hand, maybe it’s not so trivial for people to broadcast judgmental remarks that slander a whole group of people. Do you get upset over racism, or do you chalk it up to someone’s opinion?
Note that I am not making an apples-to-apples comparison here. At all. But I wonder where the line is, where we should just adopt a live-and-let-live attitude and where we should speak our mind. With this (and most parenting hot-button issues) I’m torn between thinking we should all STFU and tend our own backyards, and believing that discussion is actually useful. Of course, maybe that means that I should do more discussing and less ranting.
“G – that’s so true, and you know, I really shouldn’t react to negative opinions by ranting and giving those opinions space, either in my head or in my blog.”
I’m glad I had a good point (those are so rare since the boy came along!), but I also think it’s natural to want to defend your choices. I too love to hear why people choose what they do, but I’m naturally nosy.
And when someone, in a very condesending voice, says “Oh, you just stay at home?” I naturally want to scream “YES! But wait! I also have a degree! And had a great career! And still freelance from time to time!”. I’ve also been guilty of saying I’m a freelance journalist when asked what I do, even though that is maybe .05% of my time whereas being a stay at home mom is 150% of my time (oh, wait. maybe not…maybe my kid is just teething and it FEELS like 150%) simply because I don’t want to seem “dumb” and perpetuate the myth. How sad am I? You know what? It’s my choice and simply because of that fact I should be proudly shouting “I STAY AT HOME WITH MY KID BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT I CHOSE!”. Really. Isn’t that what the women’s movement was about? Giving us all a CHOICE to either work or stay at home? Isn’t that the point? To choose one or the other or both that is right for us as an individual? Just because we choose something someone else wouldn’t, doesn’t make it wrong. Just different. And that’s why most of us read blogs, etc. To get a glimpse of something / one that isn’t us. No matter the choice or the circumstance we find ourselves in, we should be proud that we are raising smart and wonderful kids. And only judge those really bad parents. (hee! just kidding….)
I dunno, I can count the number of times I’ve personally been subject to racism on one hand, so that’s not really a good comparison for me; you probably get this crap from people on a daily basis. It’s your blog, and lord knows I vent about stupid people on my blog, but I think overall it’s a waste of energy. People are going to be stupid/judgmental/ignorant/whatever no matter what you say. Maybe I’m just a quitter, I’ve given up trying to get people to see things my way and I’d rather just keep to my friends who generally share my opinions on stuff.
“Really. Isn’t that what the women’s movement was about? Giving us all a CHOICE to either work or stay at home? Isn’t that the point?” – gabby
OMG, Amen to that!
I LOVE the haircut. So super cute!
I really like the hair. I’m not saying that because I enjoy your writing, I’m saying that because I genuinely think it looks better. No offence to the pre-haircut you of course.
I am a good Christian girl, with good Christian morals (er… mostly), and I’m all about family values BUT… come on, there’s nothing wrong with day care.
1. It gives the child an opportunity to socialise and get used to other people (which can no doubt help avoid the child becoming clingy)
2. It gives the parents a chance to exist outside of baby-world, providing the balance that enables them to stay sane and still get to be their own person.
Different strokes for different strokes, but I’m fine with mums and dads doing it the way they best see fit.
Umm… I’m posting your 79th comment on this post. Are you ever going to even find this?!? Holy popular! I’m stopping over to your blog from a link on junk drawer, and I’m thoroughly enjoying your writing. I’ll be back!
I read ALLLLLLLL the comments. Voraciously. I get comments via email, even, so I don’t have to keep checking back.
Sundry: Well, that is a rather seductive, come-hither look you’ve got there.
[I about wet my pants reading your comment, and I wish I was kidding. BWAH!]
I love the teetering photo! :)
I doubt I need to remind you how bent out of shape I got over the OMGRELIEVED comments when I announced my big career change. I was hassled and hatemailed when I went back to work and then when I decided I couldn’t hack it (yes. it was not some higher homemaker power that called me to work at home, it was a total failure by me to fucking get out the door on time) I got comments like the one you mentioned. Ew.
You know who raised my kid before? Me. And my husband. With the help of some fandamntastic daycare ladies who loved that child more than anything.
You know who is raising him now? Me. And my husband. BUT MOSTLY THE NOGGIN NETWORK.
I love the hair. You look good with the darker shades!
As for the parenting issue, I just wish people would stop judging each other. Period. Regardless of the subject matter. In a perfect world. *sigh*
It’s funny how no one ever says that fathers should stay home. After all, why should they have children if they’re not going to raise them? What’s good for the goose…
My kids go to daycare–a wonderful daycare–while I am at work. But, I wanted to speak as the daughter of a mother who worked. I never felt like anyone else raised me. That’s for certain.
Oy, I got the too short cut a few weeks back, too. Oh the panic. Oh the blogging about the panic. But now it’s growing out INTO something, and that something lacks the nasty damaged hair that it had before. It feels great. I am certain it will work like this for you, too.
Glad to hear everyone likes your new, shorter, darker hair – I agree, it is fabulous. Your eyes look great. I know I am commenting two days after your post but it was all new for me today! Wow – people feel pretty strongly about all that. Me, I work and my son goes to daycare 3 days a week and spends two days a week with his grandma and his auntie. I honestly wish sometimes that I could stay home with him but I just can’t – student loans HAVE to be paid back, unfortunately. There is no easy answer and I think it really comes down to whatever works for each family. I thought Scott’s comments were right on and I also agree with fellowmom above – both of my parents worked full-time and I never felt as if someone else raised me, and I certainly don’t resent my parents for working or making the choices they made. And one more thing – we are ALL working parents – SAH or OTH (outside the home) working parents. I really dislike the mindset that parents who do not work outside the home are somehow “not working.” Running a house full of kids is work, no matter how sweet and lovey you try to phrase it! Anyway – good conversation and definitely one that should be had. Just because people disagree doesn’t mean we should all just not discuss it. And I, like you, want to know what other people are doing and how they feel about it. It helps me know that I am not alone and that my feelings are okay, too. Thanks, Linda.
So true, Breck Girl. SAHMs and SAHDs work very hard. I would find it very challenging to SAH, but then again, I am a selfish careerist. Kidding! I wish that I had said that my mother “worked outside the home.”
I’m really torn on this issue on a personal level. I could care less what other people decide to do, as long as they are doing what’s best for them and their families.
I’m currently on maternity leave and doing just that, but the mat. leave will be ending in less than two months. Part of me wants more than anything to stay at home with my son. The other part of me feels like I’m wasting my potential staying at home. I have a freakin’ masters but am doing nothing with it. I’d like my son to grow up proud of his mom. I feel like I owe it to him and myself to be a better example than just someone who cooks and cleans. I don’t know. It’s very difficult and I’ve been struggling with it for a while. But I’m glad that you’ve found what works best for you!
M’s comment seems to be as good of an example as any about things that people say about SAHM’s that seem to demean the choice, and also that seem to make me feel very defensive. I too stay at home with my son, but I do not feel that I am ‘wasting my potential staying at home’. I, too, have a ‘freakin’ masters’, but I do not feel that I am doing ‘nothing with it’. I think it might go without saying that I’d ‘like my son to grow up proud of his mom’. And I – wow – it seems very reductive to say that a SAHM wouldn’t be a good example because she ‘just cooks and cleans’. Sheesh.
M, your comment is interesting. I think most of us could provide arguments for why being a stay at home mom doesn’t have to be as limiting as you describe, but that doesn’t invalidate your feelings on the subject. Most working moms I know (please, can we collectively agree for the sake of discussion that “working mom” in this context meants “working outside the home” — someone needs to come up with a new acronym that makes it clear what we’re talking about without pissing people off) either work because 1) they have to for financial reasons, or 2) they want to, for a variety of reasons. I haven’t really heard from people who keep working because they think the alternative is a waste of their potential.
It’s incredibly hard, isn’t it, to make this choice when there are so many preconceptions, societal pressures, and the stakes seem so high. I think the decision to stay home or go back to work has to come down to a gut check — and sometimes it’s impossible to know until you’ve done Choice A or B for a while.
Joanne, and everyone else who I unwittingly offended, my comments were not meant to be an attack on the SAHM position. I was just talking about about what shit has been going through my head recently. (You know, it’s in the same voice that tells you look fat in those jeans. A voice that’s just mean, but always makes itself heard.) I think if a mother and her family can figure out the situation that makes the most sense for those individuals, then that’s great. I applaud that.
As it is, my husband just left his very toxic job. He’s able to do freelance for a short period, but we’re at the point where we’re discussing our options. There are many, but the one that my husband is most excited about is me going back to work (I say back to work as if there was a job waiting for me. There isn’t. I’d have to find something that could support our family. Good luck.) and him being a SAHD. A big part of me doesn’t want this because I want nothing more than to be with my son. But, as my husband has supported me for years (getting that stupid masters, for example (and I’m not saying that all masters are stupid! I’m just regretting have wasted my time on mine, because, unlike Joanne and countless others, I am, in fact, not doing anything with it.)) it seems only fair. That, and I like the idea of my husband and son having a better relationship. Anyway, I’ve been processing, processing, processing all of this information, trying to make sense, talking myself into the various possibilities.
Also, I don’t think a SAHM just cooks and cleans, but it’s been said to me on many occassions. I should have put that in scare quotes, but I didn’t and I appologize.
Anyway, I’m sorry I upset people. I’m sorry I’ve taken up so much room in the comments. I’m sorry I commented in the first place. I’m going to go back to lurking now.
I wish you wouldn’t feel bad for commenting, M. I hear you on the process of, well, processing. It’s tough.
It’s just that you’re so nice and the folks who usually comment are so nice, and for such a loaded subject, the conversation had been very genial. Then I come along and piss folks off straight away! I just wish I had commented on your hair instead. (Which looks fabulous, by the way.)
The hair is awesome – I’m not just kissing ass, you look gorgeous And the Suctopus – he is just so adorable! He’s got squeezy cheeks. I miss having a boy little enough for squeezy little fat cheeks. Mine has big-boy cheeks now. (I’m thinking about sobbing at that idea).
Love the photos. I’d love to be able to pull off a cut like that but my hair goes all ’60s on me at that length and curls up and outwards at the ends – soooooo not a good look!
I’m a homeschooling SAHM, and I have occasionally gotten the opposite reaction from people, the one that implies (or outright says) that I’m wasting my life by not working outside the home and “doing something” with my education, brains, etc. Mostly it makes me laugh, but sometimes it does get to me. Mothers make the decisions they need to for their own children and families, and their own particular circumstances. Of course I believe that the way I’m raising my kids is the best way or I wouldn’t be doing it, but that doesn’t mean I get to make that decision for anybody else!
So, yeah. Despite the fact that we have practically nothing in common in our parenting styles, I still love reading your blog(s) because you’re funny and honest, and because I don’t want to live in some smug self-satisfied ghetto where everybody thinks the same way I do…
Unfortunately, it’s the extremes on both sides that do most of the damage. You have the happy medium I crave; you get out of the house and dress in real clothes and get to be a grown-up some of the time, and stay home with Riley part of the time.
There are people out there who do let others totally raise their children. I see them at my girlfriend’s daycare, where parents drop the kids off at 7:30 and don’t pick them up until after daycare is supposed to close at 5:30. These kids often eat all three meals at daycare, go home, take a bath, and go to bed, to start it all the next day. Those are the parents I don’t understand.
Okay, just have to say: the expression should be “I COULDN’T care less” not “I COULD care less” … think about it people ;).
I hate it when they cut the hair too short but sometimes its the only way…with mine I need a good 3 inches or so off and I know it and my hairdresser knows it even though I’m trying to deny it.