February 8, 2007

I’ve been feeling slightly panicked all week long because I had this freelance project due today and dude, if ever there was a bad week to try and get something like that done, it was this week (seriously, I can’t hack the single parent life, I am barely maintaining a non-offensive level of personal hygiene over here and if you saw my house right now you would probably report me to CPS for endangering the child with massive amounts of Dog Hair Exposure), but oh thank Jebus I managed to wrap it up last night and my relief warrants some cutting loose tonight, if you know what I mean and I think you do (WHEAT THINS).

I’m Contractually Forbidden from telling you what sorts of articles I’ve been working on, but I just want to say this: if you ever read a “lifestyle tip” disguised as friendly chatter from a large corporate entity, the advice it contains may in fact not be written by an expert of any kind, but rather produced directly from someone’s ass, namely mine. Oh, the things I have pulled from my ass! (Say, wouldn’t that make an interesting Dr. Seuss book?) In fact, I believe I’ll fashion myself some business cards: Linda Whatsit, Ass-Taffy For Hire.

Hey! I have a new friend, who (whom? fuck, I can never remember) Riley and I visited on Wednesday. Ashley is not only totally cool and fun to be around, but her living room was filled with toy trucks (not by choice, I’m sure, she has two sons), and so obviously Riley was in seventh heaven. I cannot believe Riley’s knowledge of All Things Truck-Related, I was flipping through this awful book with him tonight and on a whim I asked where the tractor was, and he pointed at it. Ditto dump truck, fire engine, and front loader—he knows them all. This is the same kid who says “BA!” for pretty much every word in the English language, so I don’t know . . . I think he’s a truck savant, or something.

And by the way, why am I so interested in Anna Nicole Smith’s death? WHY?

I don’t want us to all get bored of the What Are YOOoooo Doing This Weekend game, so let’s do something else: what was the high point of your week? I think mine was yesterday evening when I was getting Riley’s dinner ready and he walked up behind me and put his arms around my legs and burrowed his face into my Old Navy fleece sweatpants. He just clung to me for a moment, a little koala, before reeling off after his ball (“BA!”). A brief moment of sweetness and stillness, so revered and rare in the full-tilt world of toddlerdom. Runner-up: today, when I submitted my Ass Taffy text file.

And you?

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Alex
17 years ago

I had fantastic circus sex this week. There, I said it. All casual like. That was my highlight.

Laura
Laura
17 years ago

Oh man, I think my highlight was finding “Claudius the God” for $2 at a used bookstore. NERRRRRRRRRRRRD.

hello insomnia
17 years ago

I walked by these guys singing “Impeach Bush” acapella, then I realized they were LaRouche monkeys. So that was my high point and low point in one.

Jessica
17 years ago

My highlight was last night, when I was putting my son to bed. He is almost one (in less than a week!), so the weaning will commence soon, and I’m savoring the last few nursing sessions. We were sitting in the glider in his dark bedroom, and he was nursing on my lap but not falling asleep like he usually does. I was starting to have visions of A Difficult Bedtime when he let go, sat up in my lap and gave me a kiss, which is where he opens his mouth and smooshes his lips against my mouth. Sooooo cute. Then he gave me two more kisses! Melt. Then he snuggled up in my lap, his head on my chest and nestled there for a minute. He ended up kind of leaned over with his head on my arm, and we just snuggled and rocked for a while, until my arm fell asleep and I figured I should probably put the kid to bed already. He was still awake but when I put him in his crib, he rolled over on his tummy (butt up in the air), curled up with his blanket bear and went right to sleep. My heart was just this big mushy pile of goo for the rest of the night.

I guess it kind of makes up for him sneezing directly in my face and giving me his cold.

Jeanette
17 years ago

My highlight was on Monday when my husband decided to take the day off of work. Nice for him but GREAT for me because he drove me to work so I did not have to walk the three blocks into the building in -4 degree weather. Woo Hoo!

kara marie
17 years ago

Mine was that Wednesday I finally went to see a therapist to rant about how stressed I’ve been, and that they let me pick how much I paid. Or maybe it will happen tomorrow, when I take the afternoon off to hang out with my best friend.

I’m a lucky girl.

I hope you have a great weekend!

melissa
melissa
17 years ago

My highlight this week…nothing stands out as horribly memorable No pets died this week as opposed to last week, 2 kids got fantastic report cards, one did NOT, made a great stir fry one evening, had a tasty chipotle salad last night, worked out every day, took a nap today, kids had a snow day yesterday, kick ass early morning sex this morning, daughther turns 14 tomorrow and is getting contacts (and braces off next week), quiet weekend ahead, finished the taxes, everyone seems healthy in general….. I guess all is well here in VA.

H
H
17 years ago

My husband was laid off, so we’re pinching pennies. My hair stylist made a list of items for me to purchase at a beauty supply store and the total came to a whopping $15. I took a deep breath, and my husband colored my hair for me (I helped a little.) I made sure I had an appointment with my stylist just in case, but it turned out great so I had her do the highlights, which I would never tackle myself. Money saved and good looking hair. Yay. I still can’t wait until I can have a professional color my hair again though!

jonniker
17 years ago

The highlight of my week will, for the love of God, finally be when I get my period and I stop thinking/acting/behaving like some kind of wildly insane, rabid poodle. I mean, when I’m not weeping into a glass of wine, that is.

I can’t wait. I CANNOT WAIT. STOP THE MADNESS.

(Also? I love the freelance work you’re doing. I do similar stuff a lot, and it never fails to crack me up. I write entire pages of tips I actually know nothing about. And they get published, oh holy merde.)

Mrs. Breedorf
17 years ago

On Wednesday, Theo barfed up his lunch while he was still sitting in his high chair so he was wearing a bib. And then he laughed instead of getting upset. Man, the angels were really smiling down on us that day.

Laura H
17 years ago

I found myself more deeply affected by Anna’s death than I thought I would be. I think it’s the Oh-my-god-she-has-a-little-baby thing for me. I don’t know, but it’s kinda saddened me this evening. The highpoint of my week was my son telling me I am the best room mom in the world and that all his little friends think so too. It’s the small stuff…

The Narcissist
17 years ago

Highlight of my week well – that was Steve getting his bag back from the wicked witch of the north, but the early years of my blog that provide backstory has been deleted, so you’ll just have to take my word for it.

Em
Em
17 years ago

your highlight is much more sentimental than mine….
The highlight of my week was my tae kwon do class this evening… we sparred one another. I had had a particularly shitty day, and wailing on another actual human being (encased in padding) is remarkably therapeutic when one is full of rage. I didn’t even mind that I got moderately beat up in the process.

Jamie
17 years ago

Well, I really can’t beat Alex’s response, but I’ll give it a go anyhow. The highlight of my week was undoubtedly late last night, when I posted the very first drunk entry on my blog. Come 7:30 am, I had already deleted it, but it contained some pretty interesting Photo Booth pics. That’s all I’m going to say.

JAB
JAB
17 years ago

High point of my week was watching “Finding Nemo” with my 4 year old…when the title came on the screen he got all excited and yelled “I know what that says!” I said “What?” He responded, “Finding Nemo!” I asked how he knew that and he proudly answered “Because I am a genius!” Too funny! However, I think he only knows the word genius from watching Jimmy Neutron…yes, my kids watch way too much TV!

Amy
Amy
17 years ago

I am also a single parent this week. When I was putting Jacob to bed last night (usually the husband’s job), after we turned out the lights he twisted around in my lap and, unprompted, gave me Eskimo kisses, patted my cheek, and said “Mama”. (He doesn’t really talk much, yet.)

Melted my goddamn-tired-of-doing-this-alone little heart.

Chloe
17 years ago

My highlight would also be sex… not especially circus-y (at least not by my standards) but it was very very good indeed.
Also, I finished making a coil pot that has taken a few weeks to make, and I am glad to have that tedium done…
but the pot didn’t turn out exactly the way I wanted. And the sex definitely did. So… the sex wins. (Pretty much always!)

mrsgryphon
mrsgryphon
17 years ago

My highlight would be watching my adorable little girl who has learned how to ‘dance’ this week. She’s 1, and she bops her head and sticks her bum out and bounces her feet up and down. It’s lovely :)

Also, coordinating a fun TV interview segment for work – I won’t be on air, but it’s good for the organization!

mk
mk
17 years ago

I have to say that my highlight of the week would be figuring out things that I do and do not want out of my life and, for the first time in said life, feeling like everything is going to be okay.

Also, I finally broke down and bought the camera I’ve been after for a long time. But the first thing is probably way better.

Serror
Serror
17 years ago

Umm. Probably the dinner my guy surprised me with tonight. I know steaks covered in sauteed mushrooms, gorgonzola and butter are not on my diet, but I didn’t cook and it was all his idea! And damn good too!

Annie
17 years ago

Yesterday, when I went up to get my son frm his nap, he was sitting in bed, waiting for me. When I popped around the corner into his doorway, he said, very quietly, “Mama”, and smiled at me. He was obviously glad to see me.

Amy
Amy
17 years ago

I got a surprise email with flight information from a friend I haven’t seen in several years who will be here in Seattle in two weeks!

sooboo
17 years ago

Downloading hour after hour after hour of This American Life while making art with my husband.

Cali911Gal
Cali911Gal
17 years ago

Highlite of my week came yesterday, when the biggest bitch in my office walked in and quit, right there on the spot.

Let the morale improvement begin~

thejunebug
17 years ago

None. Starting on Sunday when the flood in our new house took out the 1st floor, to the horrible, nightmare-inducing two and a half days of no sleep while we readied our previous residence for new tenants (bad primer, bad paint, combined trips to Home Depot totaling over $600, no time because of the flood), to the carpet guy just walking into our house while we were asleep because we didn’t specifically tell him he couldn’t come in unless we let him in, to being woken up yesterday after only 2 hrs of sleep by my neighbor’s kids throwing themselves against the walls while shouting “WOOHOO” at the tops of their lungs (we have a townhouse), to having to listen to said woohoo-ing for FOUR HOURS until the parent finally told them to shut the hell up, to being at work on only 6 hrs of sleep in the entire week combined, I have had the absolute shittiest of weeks. And I’m not even PMSy.

I told my husband that today, after work, I am done. We are going to a movie, and I’m going to eat popcorn and have a huge milkshake from Brewster’s. Then, barring any loudness & wall-banging from the neighbors, I am going to sleep until Monday.

Jessie
17 years ago

Finding out that my sister-in-law is pregnant with a girl. I’m going to have a niece! (This is the first baby in this generation, can you tell?)

Swistle
17 years ago

High point of my week: Being mentioned BY SUNDRY on Purple Is A Fruit. That was too awesome.

JennB
17 years ago

The higlight of my week was Thursday, after work. Just because I don’t go to the office on Fridays.
Also: I am loving my birthday present, which was a dish for the television…. we’ve officially become addicted to TV. And we got to watch Gray’s Anatomy last night – I was shaking with joy, I love that show so much.

Yes, in a word, I am lame.
And very curious about what circus sex is. Please share!

Kathi
Kathi
17 years ago

This whole week has been pretty nice for me. Tuesday was my son’s first birthday, Wednesday was my birthday and Lost came back!!

warcrygirl
17 years ago

The highlight of my week was Monday when I subbed half-day in a 3rd grade class who was well behaved, well organized and only had one major jerk-off in the class. My week has pretty much been down-hill from there.

laura
laura
17 years ago

In a semi-related “I can’t believe they pay me to write this shit” story… I used to work for a college textbook author who would hire college interns to write the majority of their content. After taking a 4 month class in a popular graphics package that rhymes with Pocoslop, I was asked to write an intensive, instructional chapter on the program. I was by no means an expert and should not have been writing about something I knew so little about, but yet they passed my content off to the publisher as if it were the gospel on said program. Sadly, at the time, their textbooks were used as the authority in many colleges’ computer science departments, so I hate to think of how many young minds I probably misinformed with my poor instruction.

In other news… my personal high point was receiving my new Lands End Diaper Bag/Purse (Little Day Tripper) yesterday. I freaking love it already and it hasn’t even left the house yet. I love it so much so that I immediately threw away the ragged, sad excuse of a purse/diaper bag that I have been using for the past year. Another personal high point was *finally* figuring out our coffee maker so that I can make deliciously perfect cups of coffee instead of coffee that is either weak as my 88 year old grandmother or basically coffee sludge. My parenting high point was Weds at “gym class” when daughter did not throw a tantrum at every suggested activity (which has been the norm for weeks now thus making me wonder why we actually pay for the class). She actually had fun with the other kids and wanted to do stuff which made me feel great. I’ll shut up now. Have a great weekend!

Jenny
17 years ago

This is going to sound completely lame after what others have said, but anyway: I’m staying at my grandmother’s while I’m studying for a bar exam, and the other night my boyfriend came by unannounced, bearing a pint of Ben & Jerry’s.

Jen
Jen
17 years ago

I have Old Navy fleece sweats too… and I’ve blogged about their wonders several times. Lord, I love those $12 pants.

The highlight of my week was when the vet called to tell me they’d found a cat that looked like mine (who has been missing for two months). He’s grounded from now until eternity for costing me billions of dollars (in cat dollars) in vet bills, but he’s home! Or… he will be tonight.

Lawyerish
17 years ago

This week was pretty much coma-inducingly boring, actually. I can think of two relatively pathetic highlights: (1) boxing up a bunch of files in my office after one of my matters wrapped up — always a satisfying feeling; and (2) going for fingerprints at USCIS this morning and not having it be a complete nightmare. I was prepared for the worst but we were in and out of there in about ten minutes. Other than that, the usual highlights for me are the little dumb things I do every day, like reading on the subway, checking all my sites while I eat breakfast, emailing with friends and snuggling with the dog at bedtime. God, I need to get out more.

Melissa
Melissa
17 years ago

We got an offer for the full asking price on our home and we took it!
Definitely the highlight of the week.

katie
17 years ago

i had a really sad week because one of my best friends moved to paraguay to join the peace corps. it was horrible saying goodbye. but my high points were: coming home crying from saying goodby eand having my molly dog plant herself on my lap and lick my tears until i stopped crying. falling asleep with my boy after being completely emotionally exhausted. having him take me on a date last night to see Babel. getting a phone call from said best friend. getting a voicemail from another friend making sure i’m ok. listening to justin timberlake on the way to work this morning… it is the small stuff for sure.

Kerri
Kerri
17 years ago

My high point was finally challenging myself to put together the book proposal I’ve been considering for 2 years. Wish me luck!

Ang
Ang
17 years ago

My new dog (he’s 11 years old) rang his bell to go outside for the first time since we got him on Monday. It was awesome.

Paula
Paula
17 years ago

“Ass Taffy.” Hysterical.

Shelly
17 years ago

My week has been fabulous b/c my mother is here visiting from across the country. It is so nice to have an extra pair of hands to help wrangle my 4.5 month old. More specifically than that, said baby blew her first raspberry this week. Her father & I are so proud!

nonsoccermom
17 years ago

My 4-year-old son has a little bit of a cold, so he hasn’t been sleeping well. Last night he was coughing really badly so I went in his room to give him some cough medicine, and after he finished taking it he stretched his arms out for a hug and said “I love you Mommy”. I just adore those moments when he tells me that without me saying it first. It made dragging my ass out of bed in the middle of the night worthwhile.

Paige
17 years ago

Well, we had some major issues in our condo building towards the beginning of the week. It’s about -4 degrees here in Chicago so we had pipes bursting in 3 units and sewage overflow in the basement, which lead to having no water for two days. So most of the week really sucked. But that’s not what you asked about!

The highlight was last night when my husband installed a beautiful new light fixture in our bathroom to replace the crappy one the developers put in 2 years ago. But I would have taken Alex’s circus activity over a new light fixture.

Teralyne
Teralyne
17 years ago

My highlight is getting out of the hospital. I spent most of last week in the hospital with pnumonia and double ear infections. I got out and feeling much better. Ok still a bit weak but better.

Donna
Donna
17 years ago

High point? My boss was outted as having gotten his job by lying, not having the creditentials he said he did, and had one of his references on his interview board.
There were complaints filed, lawsuits paid, he kept his job and it was all hushed up, until now. See
http://www.eyeonalbuquerque.com
Also, we have overthrown the powers that be in our union, who were in bed with our boss.
Yep. Work is looking up.

Erica
17 years ago

The highlight of my week is happening in about an hour when I am having lunch with an old friend from high school whom I have not seen (with the exception of our reunion in the fall) in over ten years.

nona
nona
17 years ago

I realized last night after finding out about Anna Nicole Smith that I wanted to call you and talk about the insanity-and then I remembered that I READ YOUR BLOG and do not actually know you, although I knew you were one of 6 other people in the world that care about this issue. So the low point of my week was realizing that I wanted to call someone I did not actually know and chat about a celebrity death (deal with Satan? Jane Mansfield reincarnated?). The highlight of my week was also toddler related-Our Wee daughter started talking in small sentences-“Mommy all done!” So cool!

Shannon
17 years ago

I finally rented and watched the first season of “Extras” with Ricky Gervais and thought I was going to pee my pants laughing over the first episode with Kate Winslet! That was a definite high point, as I don’t often get the chance to laugh like a hyena with tears streaming down my face. Watch it if you haven’t!

Amy
Amy
17 years ago

Mine was when an art director from a national magazine emailed me to ask if he could use some of my photos for their publication!

Heather
Heather
17 years ago

the highlight of my week was seeing my friend’s band play last night for the first time. she awed me, and it was good.