February 13, 2007

I woke up yesterday feeling like something that had been filed under S for Shit: Hammered. It was like some particularly vicious hangover from 2003 had lurched out of my past in order to gift me with all the old familiar symptoms: headache, squirrely stomach, and a mouth that felt as though a family of wharf rats had slept underneath my tongue during the night.

JB waggled his eyebrows at me. “So, it’s morning and you’re feeling sick, eh?”

“But I started feeling crappy last night,” I said.

Evening sickness,” he said, practically elbowing me in the ribs.

I figured if I were actually pregnant, and this was how I felt while being all of three minutes into the process, then the only explanation would be that I was carrying some kind of Poison Baby, a zygote capable of destroying my entire system, possibly by shooting death-lasers from its microscopic eyes.

However, right about the time I had imagined my way through the entire horrific, death-lasered pregnancy (where I must Take To My Bed on a daily basis and lie there, greenish and miserable and yet somehow growing more bulbous by the minute), I got my period. So, no Poison Baby this month.

I marked a firm X on our calendar to officially denote the First Day of Menstruation, because apparently in order to be strategic about the whole conception business (uh, sorry if this maybe too much personal information for a lunchtime blog read) you’re supposed to know a thing or two about your cycle. When I saw my doctor a few weeks ago, she asked how long my cycle was. “Um,” I said, and pursed my lips while peering intently off into space. I felt so . . . unwomanly, admitting that I had no earthly idea, that as far as I was concerned it was either Tampon Time or Not Tampon Time, and I didn’t have a good handle on how much of the month was devoted to each category.

Also, to be totally honest, I didn’t really exactly completely know how the whole thing worked. You know, the precise process of what happens when. What can I say, the majority of my adult life I’ve been focused on preventing a Blessed Event, not courting it—it’s been a while since I’ve studied up on follicles and ovum and whatnot.

Anyway, I feel practically bursting with knowledge now (would you like to talk about cervical mucus? Wait, come back!) and while an X on a calendar does not a Poison Baby make, I’m oddly pleased to be at the very least more aware of my inner tickings and tockings. At nearly 33 years of age, I finally have a shot of passing middle school health class! As long as no one makes me draw a fallopian tube, which I always picture as looking something like this:

tube.jpg

I never figured out what my Mystery Ailment was, although I can probably blame the child. A few days ago he had a runny nose, and so of course that means one of his parents was bound to get the Avian-Swine Death Flu. I thought as adults we had built up immunities to these childhood germs, but noooo. Most of the time we just absorb them and transform them into something much more repulsive, like some crazy infectious-disease poker game. “I’ll see your occasional cough and raise you a chest-rattling lung-horker!”

In other news, Workplace is probably moving offices soon. To Magnolia. And I live in Bellevue. For those of you not familiar with the Seattle area, this will be my commute:

map_07.jpg

(Hey, am I the only person who has to look away from the screen while Google Maps does its zoom-in thing? It makes me carsick, I swear to god.)

As the crow flies it’s not too much further than my current commute, but when you factor in the traffic issues and various neighborhood/freeway crossings . . . well, I’m pretty sure it’s going to be bad. I’m guessing an hour at minimum each way. Unless I find some awesome shortcut, or purchase my own helicopter, or grow a leathery set of wings. Sigh.

Lastly, here’s an image I’ve been enjoying lately: two pictures of JB and Riley, one taken just a couple days ago, one when Riley was a newborn.

jbandboy_07.jpg

I cannot believe how fast Riley’s grown—how fast he continues to grow. We measured him against a wall in November, and did it again this morning, and he’s TWO INCHES taller. Now he can reach up with his go-go-gadget-toddler arms and grab things off of tables and countertops, and I can tell you this: it is both surprising and horrifying and a lesson to be learned when you’re putting some dishes away and you look over to see your young son, babbling earnestly at you about the fucking steak knife he just nabbed off the counter. Ah, parenthood, it’s just one sphincter-loosening heart attack after another.

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krislinatin
17 years ago

Ah, parenthood, it’s just one sphincter-loosening heart attack after another.
AMEN, and it doesn’t get any better as they get older, just bigger heart attacks as they get older.
Krislinatin

warcrygirl
17 years ago

What a great pic of JB and Riley! Has JB lost weight, cuz he looks thinner now. Also: That pic of the fallopian tube(a) makes me horny. HA! Okay, I’ll stop now…

jen
jen
17 years ago

the picture is amazing. definitely frame worthy.

as for the ailment: i tend to feel that way when i dont get enough sleep. i hate it and it feels absolutely awful. its a hangover when i havent had a drink in a day, week, months. my body telling my ass to get more sleep although im a bit spoiled because i usually get 8+ hours. i mean i do go to bed shortly after 10 and im 24. oh boy. haha. *feels old*

Josh
Josh
17 years ago

Yeah, I don’t know much about the inner trumpets of women, but I do know commutes. All i have to say is: I’m sure glad i just switched from a job where I actually lost pay every time I had to drive farther, to a job than pays me more money per mile traveled than I actually use on gas. It’s as if I now get payed extra money to drive around when I could be busting my penniless ass right here in my own county.

So uh, yeah, sorry about your drive.

Amy
Amy
17 years ago

All I know about my inner workings is that I get Flow every 28 to 29 days and that my pre-mentral symptoms mimic and mirror the signs of early pregnancy. Tender breasticals? Check. Morning nausea? Check. Periodical spotting? Check. Achey trumpets? Check. Pregnant? Not so much. Actually, not ever. Sigh. Maybe I can learn something from you with your new-found health class knowledge.

Deanna
Deanna
17 years ago

Forget workplace and become a professional photographer!

jenny
jenny
17 years ago

silver faced down, knifes at back. you are a great writer and even better photographer. amazing.

Dawn
17 years ago

My heart is weeping for you and your soon-to-be commute.

Caitlin
Caitlin
17 years ago

Who knew fatherhood made you get hotter? Heh, speaking of inappropriate…;-)

Amanda
17 years ago

My commute used to make me homocidal. I feel for you.

Mimi
Mimi
17 years ago

So sorry about your commute – I’m in the boston area and if there is one thing I get – it is hellish traffic. Perhaps a plea for telecommuting is in order.

And on the lady parts lessons – I highly recommend Taking Charge of Your Fertility. This book taught me everything I missed in Health class b/c I was too busy staring at my crush-of-the-moment. There are even pictures… YES, pictures of cervical mucus as well as other reminents of musical instruments up in the vajayjay. Fun for everyone, I tell you.

MRW
MRW
17 years ago

Yeah quite a few friends told me that once my son went to day-care I’d be sick all the time for a year. What they did not reveal is the mystery of kid sickness – he gets the sniffles for a couple of days, my body morphs it into a deathlike plague for weeks on end. My son is four and I swear I’ve just stopped getting some kind of horrible illness every time he gets a damned cough. ANYWAY, sorry about your impending commute. My husband’s job moved to the extreme suburbs from downtown a couple of years ago and the only way for to cope was for him to switch his hours to 7-4 – he still hits traffic, but it’s not as bad as it would be if he was on 8-5. If he didn’t like his job so much, the move would have been the death knell.

Emblita
17 years ago

Now looking at that map it looks as if it would be shorter to cut accross that line which looks like it may be a bridge and not going through Seattle at all… but then again I’ve only been to Seattle twice and am not exactly an expert on map usage. So nevermind me. Or maybe you could get an amphibicar or something :p
And I was exactly the same way about my menstrual cycle until I was trying to get pregnant (who knew cervical mucus changes consistency through your cycle?!)

Jem
Jem
17 years ago

Ha HA! “Ah, parenthood, it’s just one sphincter-loosening heart attack after another. ” I love that!

Joanne
17 years ago

Those pictures are gorgeous. I’m also jealous that your babe falls asleep on you/JB! It is so sweet, and very very rare around my house. I am ‘trying’ to get pregnant too (although whenever anyone asks me ‘are you trying?’ I always answer ‘do or do not, there is no try’, because it’s such a rude question, I think!) so I am always trying to remember to write down pertinent dates on my calendar.

Jennifer
Jennifer
17 years ago

Love the “fallopian tuba” image. Yeah, that’s what it looks like in there, I’m sure.

I’m guessing that you can’t take the 520 due to that pesky Lake Union in the way? So you’ll have to take the southern route? Oh ouch. Can you work from home, maybe at least in the mornings to lessen the rush hour pain?

And… forgive my ego, but is it possible that the double-father-son-photo was inspired by my comment on your FlickR page? I’ll have to admit, I left a photo suggestion (I’m jkl_gaijin) and then I hoped against hope that you’d make such a photo, and when you did, I felt like a celebrity. So, thanks, from a fan.

janet
17 years ago

Any chance you learned all about the wonders of cervical mucus from the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility? If not, I’d highly recommend. More than you ever wanted to know about your own parts! (but in a good way, I swear)

Becky
Becky
17 years ago

Love the pictures!!! As for the commute…I totally feel for you…twice daily I rid myself of all rage by yelling at other drivers….yes I am that crazy lady!

janet
17 years ago

oops I see Mimi beat me to the punch. Well, consider her recommendation seconded!

Also, that commute? yuck! The only way my sister makes it from Bellevue to Seattle every day is on the bus.

hello insomnia
17 years ago

My nine-month-old doesn’t sleep on me and I’m glad for it. He’s 26 lbs and it feels like I’m being body slammed.

That map doesn’t make me want to telecommute, it makes me want to teleport. Those Trekkies were onto something.

kara marie
17 years ago

I’m way more in tune with the workings of my uterus than I should be.

Just so everybody knows.

Looooooving the illustration, by the way.

Jennifer
17 years ago

I third the recommendation for Taking Charge of Your Fertility.

What a terrific picture of JB and Riley! If only I could actually take a picture worthy of not being deleted from the camera.

Geez, that looks like a lousy commute. That stinks.

Katie
17 years ago

You couldn’t have planned those pictures any better if you had tried. Also, I am very JELLLLUSSSS that he sleeps on y’all still! So cute!

Swistle
17 years ago

This post is so laden with riches, I hardly know where to start commenting. The two JB/Riley photos, I gazed at for a long time–so, so cute and interesting. The drawing of the fallopian tube made me almost throw up from laughing. The “MORNING…and you’re feeling SICK,” with ribs-elbowing and eyebrow-waggling and a seamless change to “EVENING sickness”—too funny.

Erin
Erin
17 years ago

Seconding the Taking Charge of Your Fertility. I have yet to take charge of it but I rest comfortably in the knowledge I can wrangle it at will if need be. Magnolia from Bellevue, egads. I recently moved from Wallingford to Ballard and work on the Hill and the Ballard Bridge is more often than not the bane of my existence. Good luck!

(and watch out for the Death Flu 2007, people at my work and apartment building are dropping like flies and I just got over a week of it myself)

Melanie
17 years ago

I’m the same way at the doctor’s – I always just sort of fudge it and hope I’ve kind of gotten it in the last period ballpark. There’s a 0% chance of me being pregnant, so I don’t have to even think about it – so why bother? That’s my logic. I’ll raise your steak knife story one – my son decided it would be fun to grab one and then call my sister into the room “Hey, Auntie, come here!” and then for some reason crouch down in the middle of the kitchen like a steak knife-wielding troll. He even did an evil look. At least Riley’s not threatening people yet!

Liz in Australia
Liz in Australia
17 years ago

Oh, those photos are so gorgeous! JB looks considerably less exhausted in the older-Riley photo *g*

Daily Tragedies
17 years ago

When I first read the sentence, I thought you said Workplace was moving to Mongolia…and judging by the new commute, they might as well! Oy.

LOVE the pics! Good luck figuring out your cycle enough to get started on version 2.0. I’m still in the “uh, did I forget to take my pill last night?” stage.

Sassy
Sassy
17 years ago

Such cute photos; I’m pretty sure that *I* just ovulated.

samantha jo campen
17 years ago

I read that wrong and thought your Workplace was moving to MONGOLIA. And I thought, damn, that’s a haul.

Lola
Lola
17 years ago

I-90 ain’t so bad if you have a second body in your car. We live in Snoqualmie, and my guy takes the van pool from door to downtown door in about 45 minutes. But I don’t envy your crawl past downtown and up through Queen Anne.

Cee
Cee
17 years ago

Oh, I LOVE that photo of the two JBs and Rileys – the difference in size is just incredible. It has been so interesting as an observer watching Riley’s baby appearance slowly disappear over the last year – he’s such a little boy now (which I’m sure you’re hearing all the time.)

Shelly
17 years ago

Another vote for Taking Charge of Your Fertility. After I read it I was embarrassed at all I did not know about my own body.

Did I miss something? I know you were asking about the timing of Baby 2, but does this mean you are officially trying??

kimblahg
17 years ago

Wow- going for another round of parenthood. Good luck and Happy Valentine’s Day!

Ali
Ali
17 years ago

Oh that commute would kill me unless of course I could ride on a McFerry with a McDreamy. ;O)

You have my condolences.

The pictures are awesome. You have a wonderful sense of subjects and lighting. Maybe a photography side job??

Alyson
17 years ago

Ah! the baby-on-the-chest pictures! Always loved those with my boys. Although I noticed they fit a lot better on Dad’s chest than mine! I may have boobs, but he has always been overall cooshier. I like laying my head on his chest, too!

BTW, my youngest is NINE and I still push the knives way to the back of the counter!

Mary O
Mary O
17 years ago

I thought you were going to tell us that you were pregnant already! Then I was going to ask your secret, because my hubby and I are on our third month trying for #2. I’m trying not to be frusterated already!

Lisa-Marie
17 years ago

Those two photos are beautiful! Great job!

nonsoccermom
17 years ago

Now that my husband and I are trying for another kid, I am also a little embarrassed by my limited knowledge of the technical process. My son was a surprise so it isn’t like we’ve ever “tried” before, I never even thought about the timing and whatnot until now.

Great pictures of your boys, by the way.

Shannon
17 years ago

Oh dear god, Sundry, when I read that you will have to commute to Magnolia from Bellevue, I screamed a little for you. How. Horrible. You’re either stuck taking I-90 which is the long way for you, 520 which is Hell on Earth no matter what time of day, or driving completely around Lake Washington, which is the longest commute of all time. I really feel for you. But I would certainly not go through Queen Anne as that map shows, no no. I would get onto Denny Ave from I-5 and take it until it curves into Nickerson, then drive that sucker until just before the Ballard Bridge, taking the Magnolia Bridge entrance. Avoid Queen Anne at all costs!

fellowmom
fellowmom
17 years ago

The tuba-tube made my morning.

Regarding the commute, is moving out of the question? It would be a bummer for so many reasons, including all the ways you’ve fixed up your house. It would take a lot to leave that bathtub. But, workplace seems good, and a long commute can really screw with your quality o’ life. Of course, you may be really close to JB’s job now, so. . .

fellowmom
fellowmom
17 years ago

P.S. Before our kids, I didn’t know the length of my cycle either. Didn’t think about the cycle unless I had to. I too eventually got the middle school health class talk from my OB. It started out with “to get pregnant, you need a, b and c. . . .” I think too much of my brain space had been taken up by important topics like pop culture, what color lip gloss to buy and what to have for dinner. For so long, the only reproductive type thoughts I had were how not to. I think that’s so true for so many women.

Trina
Trina
17 years ago

Taking Charge of your Fertility. Good book. I wish I would have picked that sucker up 7 years ago when we started “trying” to have a baby. It took 5 flippin years for me to get pregnant. Only 3 months after I read that book I got pregnant.

As for your new commute. I agree with Shannon. AVOID Queen Anne like the plague. It’s a bad, bad place. I used to work up there.

Melissa
Melissa
17 years ago

I look away from the screen with the whole Google map thing as well! I hate that zoom!
Love the pics…man, they grow fast. My daughter has come close to pulling heavy things down onto her head and my heart stops. The steak knife comment…holy jeez!

Sarah
17 years ago

dude, suctacular commute. But think of how crappy it will be for everyone else as well (just trying to shine a glimmer of hope into your future time in the car). That would at least make my cold dead heart feel a little brighter would I have to make the same commute…

As for the Cycle: remember that *my* lovely embryo/eventual child was first diagnosed as a mysterious “neurological virus”. But I do think it’s fun, in a TMI kinda way, to know how that whole body clock ticks…

Mary
17 years ago

Bellevue to Magnolia! Ack! I think I’d move. Life’s too short. Hopefully you’ll be able to stick with the three days a week thing, at least.

Another recommendation for Taking Charge of Your Fertility. And even though you never asked, I’m going to recommend Choosing the Sex of Your Baby. The author is Shettles, I think. Now that you know all about mucus, it’s just one step further. It’s not guaranteed, but it’s worked for most of the people I know. Good luck!

Cara
Cara
17 years ago

Great picture, but then all of yours are.
Talk about sphincter-loosening, wait until he is of driving age and you are teaching him to drive a standard and he is heading straight towards the front of the building and “forgot how to stop!” It gets better, I swear it does.

Donna
Donna
17 years ago

Stop it! There are phrases of yours starting to fill up my mind and take up permanent residence. . . every morning, I make my first, eyes-still-closed sleepy trip to the bathroom with the phrase “shit-faced Frankenstein” lurching through my mind and now. . . “it’s just one sphincter-loosening heart attack after another”.

Joan
17 years ago

HA.. I read Mongolia too! Want to trade glasses?

John
16 years ago

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