March 2, 2007

Thanks to clickety-clicking around on Flickr, I am currently obsessed with the notion of customizing all my pants (and Riley’s pants! and JB’s pants! and Dog’s furry flanks!) with a pair of pistols. SO. COOL.

:::

Say, have you ever been in bed with your bed-mate, and you’re drifting off into sleep, you’re in that fuzzy stage of nearly being out completely and you’re cradled in comfort and rest and peacefulness and all of a sudden you rip a startling, rapid-gunfire-sounding fart? Which you had no warning about whatsoever, due to your various mental functions shutting down for the night, and now any hope of peace is gone as you lie there completely frozen, your eyes wide and staring at nothing, hoping against hope that it sounded louder in your own head and that no one else noticed? And in the darkness comes an amused snicker, and lo, all dignity is lost. Your ass has betrayed you.

Not that . . . I mean, I think I read about that in a book once.

:::

You know what, in my opinion, both sucks and blows? Fat-free coffee creamer. There are things in life that shouldn’t be fat-free, and coffee creamer is one of them. It’s watery and crappy and the nondairy variety is made out of cornstarch, or plastic, or something.

:::

I feel weirdly guilty that I’m not trying to turn Riley into a potty prodigy. On the one hand, I think he’s too young, period, but I keep reading about parents who started putting Little Lord Boogerface on the potty when he was 12 months and after lots of hard work, only a year later, he was potty trained! I’m all for early learning but shouldn’t he be, I don’t know, a little more capable of grokking the general potty concepts first?

:::

Riley hugs us both goodnight before bed now. Man, it’s cute.

:::

We haven’t had a birdfeeder in months because of the rat problem that cropped up as a result of seeds falling on the ground, and I’ve been missing the birds. Last weekend we went to one of those Wild Birds Unlimited stores—well, JB did while I waited with Riley in the car, because we tried to take him in and it was PROBLEMATIC—and a very nice lady let him know that part of the problem is the type of birdseed we were buying. If you get the kind that is just seeds, shelled sunflower seeds, then the birds don’t get in there and kerfuffle around spraying hulls and crap all over the ground. It’s like a no-waste type of seed, they eat all of it instead of dropping parts. We also bought a birdfeeder with a tray underneath that catches anything that does drop. So the birds are back, and so far, no rodents. Awesome!

:::

The birdseed thing leads me into the question I wanted to ask you guys. If you could have any job in the world, what would it be? Putting aside actual restrictions like money or time or even skill.

I think I would most enjoy a job where I help people, in some creative way, by applying some specialized knowledge. I’m not saying I’d like to work in a birdseed store, but I think there’s something immensely satisfying about listening to someone describe a problem or interest, and being able to help them out, and hopefully making a positive impact in their life. Jobs I’m not actually interested in but hit this area perfectly: floral designers, travel agents, printers, wedding coordinators.

Maybe something that involves writing, but done for individuals rather than companies. A book that people could enjoy would be great, but I also like the idea of more personal, one-on-one interactions.

Other, less vague dream jobs: comic book author/illustrator (remember, I said we could ignore SKILL), Pulitzer-winning journalist, creepy consumer marketing trends analyst for Giant Conglomerate Corp, and online small business retailer.

What about you?

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Gillian
15 years ago

Dude, that second paragraph made me laugh out loud, tears came to the eyes and everything. Fun-ney.

Emily
15 years ago

Wellllll, I would be a professional zombie-killer, or a school guidance counselor. Just so I could fuck with young minds.

ALSO: That fart thing? I definitely, um, read that same book. Although the way I read it, the “amused snicker” was more of a full-on guffaw. Some people have no shame, I fear.

harmony
15 years ago

You know what is even worse? I uh, read about this once. Say it’s the very first time you have been in bed with that particular bedmate, and said gunfire erupts. It pretty much guarantees that it is the last time you share a bed with that particular person. Unless they have a really good sense of humor, in which case you might marry them and live happily ever after.

As far as jobs go, I like jobs where I just help people with whatever they need and then they think I am amazing, and my current job is mostly like that. In my dreams though, I have a job where I just read books, and maybe gave some feedback now and then, and make stacks of money so I can travel and read more books in places like Tuscany and New Zealand.

jonniker
15 years ago

As a journalist, I can say that the Pulitzer prizewinning dream died the second I started actually doing it. I realized that in order to be a PP-winner, I would have to give up my life, which I am entirely unwilling to do.

In a dream world, I would be a nurse or some other caregiving role that really helps people on a day to day basis. Not a doctor, but someone who really makes someone’s life better every day, with little to no glory. I think I’d really like that.

As for writing for individuals, my favorite freelance client right now is a husband and wife team who runs their own online retailing business. I write all of their copy for them, and it’s so rewarding, knowing that what I’m writing is going to help them do better with their business. You’re dead-on about that one. They rule, and I’ve not been more motivated to do well for someone in a long time.

jonniker
15 years ago

Also, on my first date with Adam – MY FIRST DATE – I let out a giant honk of a fart while playing Trivial Pursuit. Awesome. To this day, I blush, and I have no idea how it happened.

Shannon
15 years ago

This is gonna sound nerdy but I would love to have a job in which I am happily ensconced in musty old library archives, doing research for incredible historical/historical fiction writers, like Edward Rutherford or Eric Larson.

Second dream job: to play the fiddle in a kick-ass bluegrass band, or at least just have the ability to play the fiddle in such a manner, no matter what the music genre!

M.A.
15 years ago

I often wonder why, at the ripe old age of 47, I continue to find gas, in ANY form, anywhere, any time, absolutely hilarious (unless you’re, say, at work, presenting a, say, brieifing, and you do the cough*fart*cough thing and spend the rest of the briefing wondering if anyone other than YOU heard it — not that your BEAT RED face and instant STAMMERING would give you away or anything…) Not that… I think I read it in the same book you did. I LOVE BIRDS TOO. And we have squirrel problems — so Hubbie greased down one of the poles of our two bird feeders (not to be alarmed — we did it with olive oil or something GOOD FOR THE SQUIRREL’S patty paws because I am one raw steak away from going PETA Postal), and it was hilarious (and they are tenacious little guys). I would have felt bad if our squirrels actually NEED nourishment, but they all look like they outweigh our 30 lb dog, so… The dream job thing? I’m with you — something where I’m helping PEOPLE and getting feedback. As a Facilities Director, the urinals are not very grateful when I point out to the janitorial staff that the “little scenty thing” needs to be changed. *sigh*

warcrygirl
15 years ago

Farting unexpectly in bed? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Look at it this way, it could have had worse timing, ya know?

Also, when I grow up I’d like to be an artist. An artist that can write. As long as I can create something with my hands I’d be happy.

Don’t quilt yourself on the potty training stuff; it’ll happen when he’s ready to do it. My only assvice: don’t switch back and forth from pull-ups to underwear and back. Do or do not, there is no try.

Jeanette
15 years ago

My dream job would be a marine biologist in Hawaii or The Bahamas or somewhere where it never snows, ever!

McWriter
15 years ago

My dream job is professor of writing at a university. I’m looking into PhD programs now – so it might actually happen …

If that doesn’t work out, I’d like to be an Oscar-winning screenwriter (I’d like to thank the Academy, and Linda Sundry for her lyrical inspiration … ), an international broadcast journalist, an advocate for international refugees, or something that involves holding babies (clean, dry, well-mannered babies).

Oh “F” it – I’d just be Oprah.

JennB
JennB
15 years ago

My dream job is to be a philanthropist…. I would love to be able to call up all the humane societies in my state, ask them what their annual budget is, and send them a big old check. Or the Public Radio station – then everyone will love me for stopping the begging!

Unfortunately, I don’t even have enough money to pay all my bills right now, so philanthropy is going to have to wait for a little while.

And, if I had enough money, I could do my own thing then just pop into work for a few hours for some meetings and then leave when I wanted to because I would be the boss and have underlings who actually did all the work.

The really craptastic thing is that I think I have some ideas that would help me get to the level of being able to become a philanthropist, but I do not have the time or funds to research and make that a reality. Suckage.

kara marie
15 years ago

I had an unexpected bed fart the first time I was in bed with my now-fiance. We’re getting married in June. I think the bed fart was the clincher. Even though it was THE WORST MOMENT EVER at the time.

I think I’d like to stay home and paint most of the week, with a day or two devoted to something else, involving other people. Or animals. Like volunteering at an animal shelter or something, or teach a class once a week.

I think what you said about helping people in a specific way is very valid–I work at a gallery/frame shop, and sometimes it’s surprising how much customers appreciate your help after you’ve done a good job framing their valuables. It can be very rewarding.

Yams
Yams
15 years ago

My dream job would be to work in the non-profit school my great grand mother founded in India for young widows. She felt wowen had the right to be educated and not just be married off at a young age. This school now takes in poor children and gives them a good education. All the teachers are volunteers and my family still runs it today.

Trina
Trina
15 years ago

Potty training. I have 2 resources for you. There is an AWESOME potty training class at Children’s Hospital in Seattle it’s free http://www.seattlechildrens.org/child_health_safety/classes_events/parenting.asp#potty and there are several “potty” books out there that you can read to Riley my personal favorites are Once Upon a Potty and the Potty Book for Girls (they have one for boys also). There is also a good book for you to read called Mommy I Have to go Potty by Jan Faull. We are in the begining stages of Potty Training around here. Good stuff. :)

As for my dream job? As long as it was in Hawaii and could support a comfortable lifestyle (nice house on the beach with a nanny and a housekeeper) that is what I want to do. :)

chrissy
chrissy
15 years ago

I write for a magazine full-time, and I always thought that was my dream job (I can’t imagine doing anything but writing), but it’s not exactly as I envisioned it. If I could have any other career, I think I’d work with kids in some capacity.

dani
dani
15 years ago
Niki P.
Niki P.
15 years ago

Master Riley will let you know when he is ready by showing an interest in the potty. My eldest was born Aug 28th and he started potty training in June before he turned 2- he wanted to wear big boy pants (fully equipped with Ninja Turtles of course) so we gave it a shot- the first time he wet his pants was priceless- the look on his face said, “What the hell???? This is GROSS!!” and he decided on the spot that the potty was way cooler than wet pants. The younger- yeah, he didn’t care for the potty so it took a little longer but he was still done with it by the time he was 28 months or so. Totally different kids I swear! Don’t stress about it- it will happen.

kirsten
15 years ago

I still get that Beavis and Butthead laugh when anything to do with farting comes up…it will always be funny, no matter how old I am. Also, I’ve done the “fart in the midst of dead silence” thing and just sat back and waiting for a chuckle out of the hubs…he can always appreciate a good fart. He hates when I incorporate the Dutch Ovens though – classic.

My dream job is completely selfish and I don’t care. I want to be one of those people who travels around to hotels and restaurants and tests them on their services. Like a “ghost guest” or a “secret shopper”. How cool would it be to travel on someone else’s dime and get paid for indulging in massages and meals? Yeah baby…

Amy M.
Amy M.
15 years ago

Dream job? Since talent is no consideration, I’m also assuming responsibilities such as children are also not considered. Everyone seems so noble, I’m kind of embarassed to list Broadway musical star. I do community theatre, but am so not good enough for a career! My second choice would be something like Anthony Bourdain – get paid to travel and eat local cuisine! But not the really creepy stuff like eyeballs.

My assvice about the potty training: go with what Riley wants. He’ll tell you when he’s ready. (Listen to me – don’t I sound like I know what I’m talking about? Like my son isn’t only 13 months old. I read a lot.) I heard there was a trend about potty training from birth, which really skeeved me out. Can’t the child at least wait until he can support his own head?

MRW
MRW
15 years ago

Amy M beat me to it – my dream career would be to be a Broadway star. Unlike Amy M thoug, I don’t even do community theater because, well, in the real world talent IS a consideration, but in my dreams I am wildly successful and famous on Broadway. My other dream job would be to get paid somehow to sit on the couch and read/watch TV/ watch movies while petting my cat and dog, not sure what career that would be, but once again, in dream world, all is possible.

As for potty training, I read somewhere that most kids aren’t physically capable of holding pee or controlling it until they are 27 months (of course I have no cite for that, just remember it from somewhere) so I didn’t bother to try with my son until after then. I figured better to wait and have it be a good experience than push it, make it hell, and have him resist for the next 10 years or similar. I agree with all above who said don’t worry about it, Riley will let you know and there is no rush, he’s still really young.

Claire
15 years ago

If it would be a decent amount of money, I’d really just like to freelance write for a bunch of websites. I’ve been trying to break into the business but so far, no luck. I guess that’s what an MA in writing gets you :(

nonsoccermom
15 years ago

First of all, I almost died laughing about your ass betrayal. Thank God my officemate is at lunch or he would think I lost my mind.

Secondly, don’t worry about the potty-training yet. My son is a smart kid, yet it was two weeks past his 4th birthday when he finally started reliably using the potty. He just didn’t care, and I never did figure out what it would take to motivate him (and don’t think I didn’t try EVERYTHING). One day he just got it, I guess.

I have always wanted to work in a flower shop. I don’t know, something about arranging flowers seems peaceful and pleasant to me. Of course, I have no sense of such things and my arrangements would undoubtedly be quite ugly. But you said to ignore skill, so there you have it.

Jennifer
15 years ago

When I’m not busy being a SAHM, I’m a Speech-Language Pathologist. I love it! I get to help people and it’s just plain cool in my book. My dream job would be to work in a preschool for children with special needs and have only 10-15 kids on my caseload.

I’ll be anxiously awaiting all details on potty training, my son is only a few months younger than yours.

Di
Di
15 years ago

I’m 6 months pregnant, and that farting thing happens all the time. Seriously, it’s mortifying and hilarious at the SAME TIME. It’s particularly funny when it happens at 4am…and wakes you both up.

Or so I’ve heard…

As for dream career – a successful novelist, Broadway star, or singer in a cool indie rock band. Certainly not administrative at a small, underfunded graduate program. Nope, not one bit.

Melissa
Melissa
15 years ago

I was laughing so hard at the fart part (tears and everything) that my daughter waddled over and started clapping and laughing too. You had a standing ovation here!!! I have absolutely done the same thing. Your description was right on and a scream! :)

My dream jobs: Corny but I love my current one if it counts: Mom
Also, actor, jewelry designer, writer, painter, and most of all, a ROCK STAR- singer/songwriter.

Thanks for the truly, much-needed belly laugh!

laura
15 years ago

ok, so it’s pretty weird that I used a very similar post title to yours today without having checked your blog today. totally different reason though.

as for jobs–I think similarly I would like a job where I could dole out expertise on a topic about which I felt passionate. I kindof do that already though because I am a big mouth.

mo
mo
15 years ago

i’m halfway through a philosophy degree and people are always asking me., ‘what are you going to do with THAT?’ and im like, ‘i dunno, maybe i’ll write a book or something (about why not to do philosophy and the number one reason would be to avoid 3+ years of peoples annoying stupid questions)’.

im also big on staying at home with my kids, or at least, being there when they are. just because of the way i was bought up and all that. and the whole geting out of bed and going off to work every day thing? i’m not very good at.

so i’d sort of like to write books. about stuff. umm, smart stuff. i’d lie to be a ‘renouned (is that how you spell it?) authority. and i would like to get paid buckets of money for it so that i could have, say, a holiday home somewhere, be it smack dab in the middle of the bush or on a tropical island far away or in a cute old villa in the middle of a city. and i would also possibly like to be able to afford a maid.

fellowmom
fellowmom
15 years ago

I love Emily’s dream job of professional zombie-killer. That’s a good one. In the same vein as Sundry’s creepy consumer trend analyst dream job, I’d like to work on the creative side in advertising. Sure, it’s kind of evil, but good advertising can be pretty entertaining. Skills would be an issue, though. I like being a lawyer, but I wish I didn’t need an income so that I could just do pro bono work for clients I’d really like to help, like working for the Southern Poverty Law Center or for victims of domestic violence. That’s my if-I-won-the-lottery job. Treading even further into the unrealistic realm: rock star, but age is starting to be an issue, along with the lack of skills, “x” factor, etc.

Re: potty training, I’ve read that kids go through a phase between 12 and 18 months in which they might get interested in sitting on the potty. That doesn’t mean they are ready to use it for more than entertainment purposes, though some parents seem to think it’s the sign of a potty prodigy. Too much early pressure can back-fire. A kid might get resistant to the idea and that could delay achieving the goal–that sweet diaperless state. I’d wait until he’s good and ready. Those people who started at 12 mos. might have reached the same result after a week of work instead of a year of “work” if they’d just waited. I probably think this because I am lazy careerist and just waiting for the boys to potty train themselves while my dozens of assistants deal with the actual diapers–ha!

Haley
Haley
15 years ago

I’d love to work in tv, a comedy, with very funny coworkers. There is nothing better than laughing all day long. Or perhaps getting paid to read blogs all day long…….oh wait, it appears that I AM getting paid to read blogs all day long, I’m just not supposed to be doing that.
P.S. Funniest, gut splittingist laugh all day job thus far in my life??? – Funeral Director.

Chiara
15 years ago

I think about this all the time. if talent and skill were no obstacle, I would absolutely be an amazing (but not hackneyed and overpublicized!) author.

I also really like the part of my job that involves meeting different people and having lunch and talking about ideas and then finding ways to put those ideas into practice, if that’s not vague and amorphous enough. I’d love to be able to work on cool projects like the abovementioned school in India, or things like 826 in Seattle. With money as no object, of course.

And my *other* dream job would be to be a marine invertebrate biologist, so…

Jenny H.
15 years ago

Here’s a picture for ya- playing a game of pool with your boyfriend and bending over to take a shot and letting one rip . THEN FINDING OUT YOU FART IN YOUR SLEEP!!! My face is still red!

The boyfriend? Is now my husband of four years. And the farting only got worse when I was pregnant. Amazingly enough he still loves me and is still here!

Don’t worry about potty training, you will know when it is the right time for Riley.

Jenny H.
15 years ago

Dream job- writer.

Pete
Pete
15 years ago

What is it about women and farting. After 14 years my wife still has to hide in the bathroom. My boys and I have “Pull my finger” contests. ;-)
My older two kids were ‘trained’ at 20 months but that’s because my wife stayed at home and really motivated because we couldn’t affort diapers (don’t get me started on cloth diapers). It’s kinda sad today when I see parents looking at buying ‘Depends’ because there child has grown out of the Huggies Stage VII.

Pete
Pete
15 years ago

Forgot to mention that my dream job would be building houses.

victoria
victoria
15 years ago

Oh, the farting-as-you-drift-off-to-sleep problem. Oh, how it has haunted and terorized me. I once farted so loudly (after having been sleeping with a fellow for only a brief time) that I WOKE us both up. Oh, the SHAME. I learned to sleep in a certain position (face down, legs akimbo) so that my, uh, nocturnal emissions were guaranteed to be silent. Now I can’t sleep in any other position.

victoria
victoria
15 years ago

Oh, but, another advantage of the nofood diet? No farting. Heh.

Mel
Mel
15 years ago

I haven’t started Ian on potty training yet, because he doesn’t have words for pee and poop. I figure those are pretty important. Plus, he can’t pull his pants up and down yet, either, although he is working on it. As for what type of job I would want, I’ve always wanted to be a translator for Olympic athletes. Yeah, that’s not exactly a full-time job or anything, but I think it would be really nifty. Mos of them know English now, anyway, but I remember when they didn’t used to and people would translate without emotion ow happy the athlete was to win this or that medal. My other dream job is to train dolphins. I really don’t like Biology, though, so I guess that’s out of the question. *grin*

Caitlin
Caitlin
15 years ago

Because I’m prone to big schemes and have a variety of interests I like pursuing concurrently, my dream job would find me on the sweet side of a rich patron. Some kind, wealthy, possibly eldery progressive individual who would give me large checks in exchange for tales of my creative prowess, world-saving adventures, and navel-gazing travels. Now accepting applications.

Mom
Mom
15 years ago

Dream Job…Seeing, cuddling, petting, playing with dogs and puppies. Maybe matching them with worthy humans.
Toilet training…How about waiting for the approach you used as a little one when you looked at the diaper, looked at me, and stated “I don’t need those anymore”. And you didn’t.

warcrygirl
15 years ago

Oh lovely. I meant to type “guilt” and typed “quilt” instead. Now I’m channeling my great grandmother. Oy.

PattM
PattM
15 years ago

Don’t sweat the potty training. Once he gets the idea that he can aim and shoot……..go ahead and paint your bathroom walls yellow. BTW, boys do learn faster than girls, at least mine did.

Dream job–personal shopper. Go to stores, spend other people’s money.

junkie
junkie
15 years ago

skydive instructor and/or run a home (a huge one in the country…actually in the mountains on a bluff overlooking the ocean) for wayward animals where they’d always live happily unless we found an awesome home for them.

btw, been meaning to say hi here……..zoot turned me on to you once i moved up here to your neck of the woods from georgia. love your site!

Elizabeth
15 years ago

Since we’re leaving aside skill, let’s also leave aside phobias, I’d be a lead singer/guitarist in a folk group. Alas, I cannot carry a tune, nor can I seem to get over my fear of getting up in front of people.

Perhaps a more perfect fantasy job would be ice cream taste tester. I have all the skills necessary for that.

Liz in Australia
Liz in Australia
15 years ago

My husband is the one who is shy about farts. But he’s outnumbered, because I’m training my girls to be as amused by farting as I am. When we were inventing superhero identities for ourselves, mine was Noxious Gas Woman. ‘Nuff said.

My dream job would probably be something involving translating other people’s dreams into reality. I really wanted to be an interior designer for a while. Other than that, a counsellor or therapist- which is actually something I might have a chance to be good at, unlike my first choice *g*

Maureen
Maureen
15 years ago

I would love to have a bookstore, somewhere in England, with lots of wood, old books, a little tea room with scones, jam and clotted cream. A fireplace with big comfy chairs in front, with a dog and cat hanging around greeting customers. I would sit behind the counter, reading, talking about books, and inhaling the intoxicating scent of old books.

Mama Ritchie
15 years ago

When I grow up, I would like to be Jake Gyllenhaal’s underwear fitter.

Keaton
Keaton
15 years ago

I would want to be a bartender in the Caribbean. At one of those open-air, cabana type places.

Also, I read the paragraph about the fart out loud to my friend, and we both chortled heartily for about 5 minutes. Thank you.

Hulda
Hulda
15 years ago

Archeologist or Astronomer or Gemologist or Healer.

laughing mommy
15 years ago

I would like to be a children’s book author.

Or to own my own flower shop. Flowers everyday! Weddings! Celebrations! Cheering people up while they’re sick or have lost someone… awesome.

Or maybe a photographer.

I waited until my daughter was nearly three to potty train her. She was saying “Mommy, I want to use the potty like a big girl!” so I kind of had to. It went really smoothly, maybe because she was ready?

Jan
Jan
15 years ago

I would love to be a travel agent. But on my own terms. I want to make my own schedule (work whenever I want, come in as late as I want, take long lunches), take as many vacations as I want (all free of course, since I am a travel agent) and make piles of money, which most travel agents don’t actually do. And I would want to do more than just make reservations for people; I would want to help them plan their trips down to the last detail. I love that shit. It’s almost as good as the actual travel.