March 13, 2007

The other night I was holding Riley after we got him ready for bed and he was tired and cranky and really whiny and I was murmuring soothing mama things in his ear and his body softened and curled into mine and he burrowed in close and he smelled wild and sweet like clover and I could feel his face pressed against me and I was stroking his back and humming and the room was soft and dark and that’s when he bit the living shit out of my shoulder.

Parenthood! Every day is an adventure.

I can’t seem to adjust to the time change. First of all, it is blowing my nubbly little pencil-eraser-sized brain that it’s so light out at 7 PM. We’re putting Riley to bed at this seemingly absurd hour and wondering if we should cover his windows with aluminum foil or something (“Just like Mama did in high school, sweetie! Would you like a large poster of a nice man named Robert Smith, too?”). I can’t seem to go to bed at my normal time, either. We’ve been staying up late watching all these episodes of “Survivorman” and “How It’s Made” and I feel bloated with weird trivia about how to start a fire using the fluff off your cotton socks and how wire eyeglass frames are bent into shape with computer-programmed robotic arms but the nose pad still has to be attached by hand.

When I finally do go to bed I read a few chapters of World War Z and get thoroughly freaked out and then I dream about zombies all night long. In fact, that book is so eerie I find myself idly thinking about zombies during the day, too. As in, “Hey, I wonder if there are any zombies outside. Let’s just take a look . . . nope, don’t think so. WHEW.”

My god, is anything scarier than zombies? Well, other than zombies carrying really big spiders that they threaten to drop on you (before they devour your brains)? Brrr. Gah.

Oh, and DISTURBING: according to the Death-by-Zombie Risk Calculator questionnaire I am practically walking zombiebait right now. Look:

zombiescore.png

29%? Gee, why don’t I just paint myself with A-1 and lie down on the front lawn so the zombies can more readily tear the flesh from my body with their soft, rotting teeth?

You know what’s great, though? Having a coworker who takes the whole fending-off-zombie thing totally seriously:

zombiechat.jpg

(“Z-hunting times”. Hee.)

ENOUGH ABOUT ZOMBIES. Because I am getting all crawly and itchy and fighting the urge to look out the window. WHAT WAS THAT NOISE oh it was the cat. OR WAS IT? Why is my child biting my shoulder and is he reaching for the A-1?

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Trena
15 years ago

Yeah, I didn’t fare much better at only 34% survival rate. I’m with you on the whole being terrified of zombies — I’ve had recurring nightmares involving the nasty things.
Looks like a good read though–I’ll have to check it out.

Mary O
Mary O
15 years ago

Oh god. My survival rate was only 35%. I knew I should have had those steel shuttered windows installed! Gah!

Gena
Gena
15 years ago

I felt all warm and fuzzy up until the biting part. Riley must be teething. I, too, am have a terrible time getting used to the time change. I HATE IT.

P.S. Speaking of staying up late watching TV, according to the guy on the Discovery Channel, you should always carry a bag of Fritos with you when you’re out camping, or thinking you might be stranded. Know why? Because they burn like a mother. Yes, you can start a fire with them. I know because my son did it. Quite a little bonfire, actually. In the cul-de-sac. WE are the crazy neighbors.

Emily
15 years ago

Holy shit, my survival rate is only 31%, and I am not only trained on several weapons and hand-to-hand combat, but I also live near the ocean — guaranteed zombie Safe Zone! Still, apparently I am quite fucked.

I’ve been wondering this since the last time you posted an IM conversation, but which IM program do you use? I want speech bubbles!

Emily
15 years ago

P.S. I have a co-worker who is equally as (if not more) serious about the zombie war. Sometimes I wonder if he knows something I don’t.

Lesley
Lesley
15 years ago

I have put a hold on that Zombie novel at my library. Will I – the biggest chicken who can’t handle horror movies – live to regret it?

My chances of survival are 35% – not sure why as I can’t shoot, have no military experience, no boat, and must shop for food at the local grocers.

Melanie
15 years ago

I think if Riley was a zombie he’d moan more and wiggle less. Zombies always look pretty slow-motion to me, and they’re always loud in movies, but only with the moaning.

Oh, and I only got 22%. I’m thinking I might want to start hitting the gym, you know, just in case.

angela
15 years ago

Heh. I took that zombie test before and I was 5 kinds of proud that I was highly likely to survive the Z-War.

sooboo
sooboo
15 years ago

I bit my mom’s shoulder when I was about that age. I think she still secretly holds it against me! However, number of brains I have eaten since? None.

alina
alina
15 years ago

41%.

RAAARRRR!!

Jennifer
Jennifer
15 years ago

48%. Not better than 50/50. Don’t like those odds. I wonder if “bicycle” (which I put as my land-escape vehicle) is a better or worse way to escape zombies? Y’know, it would be maneuverable so you could have the freedom to get it around the bodies and stuff.

claire
15 years ago

jeebus – most of you will outlast me in the next zombie war. i’ve only got a 25% chance of survival. I guess i should start planting crops and buy a gun… and maybe a boat.

i can’t believe he bit you… kids can be so cruel.

Lauren
Lauren
15 years ago

So I just finished that book last week and I find myself talking about zombies to everyone …. and they all officially think I am off my kilter. And now I’m seriously considering a gym membership – to increase my zombie war survival chances of course.

christine
christine
15 years ago

Isn’t “Survivorman” awesome! I am going to write a letter to his production company to get new episodes made. They did 9 episodes, and I know I’ve seen them all at least 3x.

Yay Canada!

Becky
Becky
15 years ago

31 lousy percent…I better get to the gym, then get some combat training and buy a boat!!!!!

I love Les…Survivorman is one of my FAVORITE SHOWS….

a.
a.
15 years ago

I love that you watch Discovery channel so much! I work for the forgotten redheaded stepchild network (the Travel Channel).
That frito thing is totally true, I get relieved when my husband buys them before a plane ride or road trip, it allows me to mentally add up the increase in our chances of surviving some unforseen disaster by a couple of percentage points.
We need to do a show about what a REAL person would do if caught in the wilderness… “honey, we have to make a decision about the fritos…you can’t eat them all, i think we have to burn them”

Pete
Pete
15 years ago

43%. The bit about Riley biting you shoulder is the first time I have laughed out loud reading your blog. We were driving across Iowa and my wife was checking my son’s mouth for new teeth when he chomped down on her finger. The louder she screamed the harder he bit, I almost crashed the car I was laughing so hard.

Jessics
15 years ago

You crack me up. I have the same fear of zombies. My husband made me watch Dawn of the Dead and all the other Dead movies and I spent weeks making him brainstorm about all the ways we can keep zombies from busting in our windows and eating us.

Carmen
15 years ago

Oh crap. Only 31%. Time to bar the windows and buy a boat I guess. Or have many more children so we’d be travelling in a large group.

Swistle
15 years ago

I got 32%, and that’s only because I lied and said I owned a boat. We live near a boat storage place, and I figured I could steal one, and in that sense I “own” one.

Bianca
15 years ago

You know part of my reason for joining the Y recently was reading that book. Without taking the test, I knew that if a zombie war happened I would be one of the first to go.

Oh and guess what? Movie deal! They’re making it into a movie! I can’t wait.

Man that book was so cool!

Cari
15 years ago

I totally watched that episode of How It’s Made where they made eyeglasses. In fact, that show is on my television right now. I guess I think I will gain all sorts of useless factoids to awe and amaze my child when she is old enough to understand words. Or Deadliest Catch is over and nothing else is on.

Aunt Linda
15 years ago

Jeez, Linda. Even I outscored you … ok, maybe only by 2 per cent, but if I actually knew where the Kuril islands are, I bet I would have done better!

Jhianna
15 years ago

I’m at 39% and that’s just no good! Ever since I watched the remake of Dawn of the Dead (fast moving zombies, good god), I’ve had a fear of zombies. Now I’m going to have to go get this book. You’re killing me!

Pickles & Dimes
15 years ago

We love Survivorman in our household. I especially loved the episode where he kept a flame going long enough to start burning some wood – using just a few corn chips. He’s like Camping MacGyver!

Mommy Daisy
15 years ago

Zombies? Hmm, haven’t given it much thought. Welp, I don’t think I will either.

I’m with you on the daylight savings time. It is hard to adjust to this early in the year.

Ouch about the sholder! I’ve never had that happen, and I hope not to. Yikes!

Liz
Liz
15 years ago

I’m skeptical. I got 35%. My husband, with military experience, disaster preparedness and firearms training only got 37%.

Mommy Daisy
15 years ago

I had to for fun. I only got 34% chance of survival. Uh oh.

nonsoccermom
15 years ago

Hmm. 38% chance for me, which I find doubtful considering my complete lack of experience with wilderness survival or firearms. I would be totally screwed if I got lost in the woods, to say nothing of zombies!!

angela
15 years ago

Okay, now I’m pissed. I took the test again and I only have a 42% chance of survival, even though I have a gas mask and a BOB kit in my trunk as we speak.

Jenny H.
15 years ago

Dude, mine was only 40%. That was mt first one. You know that I will have to take it again and make my husband do it too! Wait, he is gonna do it now!!

kara marie
15 years ago

I only got 35, as well.

I think I need more hardcore training.

Emblita
15 years ago

46%… not bad, although I was dissappointed that they didn’t inquire about one’s ability to brain people with blunt instruments (that being the best way to fight off zombies).
If you want to freshen up on your zombie fighting moves, I heartily reccomend Shaun of the Dead – there as zombies and even some funny ha ha

Jenny H.
15 years ago

My husband’s was only 43%!! My mom called while I was doing the test and asked what I was doing…and I told her…and she about pissed her pants! And then I had to tell my dad. Even more laughter. I tried to tell them that zombies are MOST CERTAINLY NOT A LAUGHING MATTER. But they wouldn’t listen.

Sigh.

I am totally gonna have to get this book, even though it will absolutely scare the living shit out of me. Zombies are way scary.

Donna
Donna
15 years ago

48%. I need a boat and a horse.

fellowmom
fellowmom
15 years ago

I can relate to both the stealth biting and the time change maladjustment. I stayed up last night watching the freaking Pussycat Dolls. It gave me unnecessary insights into a completely foreign lifestyle.

Emblita–I also LOVE Shaun of the Dead. So clever, so funny and zombies (against which my odds are only 38%. I think some paramilitary training or at least a house with a second floor are in order.)

g~
g~
15 years ago

LOVE survivorman and How it’s Made and someone mentioned Deadliest Catch–I thought I was the only Dweeb in the world who TiVo’d it–even above the Curious George episodes that keep my afternoons sane–er, my three year old sane.
God, I am a nerd.

Brad
Brad
15 years ago

I’m that co-worker who takes zombie defense seriously.
I constantly think “If zombies attacked me here, how would I escape?”
You have to read the Zombie Survival Guide by the same author to fully consider an appropriate survival strategy, but no matter what you do your chances aren’t great.
Also, How It’s Made is great, it makes me feel like I know things.

Emblita
15 years ago

@Fellowmom- Shaun of the Dead is the BEST zombie movie EVER! In fact I think I’m going to put it on right now :)

angela
15 years ago

“You’ve got red on you.”

Love that movie.

trackback

[…] Check out the Risk Calculator for yourself.  Or check out Linda’s much funnier post about her recent zombie obsession. […]

Lacey Noel
15 years ago

Honestly, you may as well just advertise the fact. There’s no shame in being zombie fodder, really.

Me? I’m going to take my boat and my 51% chance of survival and hide out in the northern arctic wastelands. ;)

Elizabeth
Elizabeth
15 years ago

After I saw Dawn of the Dead, I couldn’t sleep for almost a week. Even when I go walking downtown, I look to see if there are people with guns on the rooftops, shooting celebrity look-a-likes.

Jem
Jem
15 years ago

40%! However, zombies have never scared me. Zombies are people too!

Emily
15 years ago

Oh, boo! I can’t use iChat because I was too poor to buy a Mac. Dammit! Well, now we know where the deployment money is going to go.

Em
Em
15 years ago

You have received the infant zombie bite of death. It’s only a matter of time.

Melinda
15 years ago

Had to delurk for this one! My friends at the newspaper where I work did a feature on “How to Kill a Zombie.” For Halloween, not because our city has a zombie problem. Not that I know of, at least. So, I thought, after watching tons of zombie movies with my friends in preparation for the feature, I would score really high on the risk calculator.

But I only scored 37%! I think it is flawed because it doesn’t ask you how many machetes you own. I think you should get extra points for machete ownership! (We have four or five. My husband uses them for work.)

You can click on my name to see the How to Kill a Zombie page.

Jessica
Jessica
15 years ago

I’m so zombie bait with you… 22%! Pass the A-1 already.

Michelle
Michelle
15 years ago

Hi, my 15 month old also bites, the same the thing, he’s whingy, has a cuddle, then CHOMP! It’s shocks the shit out of me every time, and hurts like hell. I think it’s their way of relieving frustration, they want the comort, then need to let it out. I have considered a doggie muzzle at times…… XXX