Mar
6
Kibbles n’ bits
Filed Under Uncategorized | 52 Comments
March 6, 2007
(Yes, another blog post. I am typing instead of doing what I really want to do, which is eat a boxcar-sized pan of brownies.)
I’ve been slowly coming to a realization, and that is this: Riley was not, in all actuality, the world’s cutest newborn. I now believe all new parents are completely drugged by their own love for the tiny, red, squishy thing they have produced, and there’s no chance of objectivity when it comes to assessing your child’s attractiveness. Until someday in the future when you look at an old photo of your precious just-hatched babe and think, my god, what the hell IS that, a lizard? In the meantime, everyone will sweetly assure you of your baby’s extreme beauty, because what else can someone say about a newborn? (“He sure is . . . um, blinky.”)
Aw, who’s a lizard? Whooshy whooshy whooshy!
(Yes, not even a month old and TOTALLY flipping us off there. I should have known we were in for it.)
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Hey, did you win Mega Millions tonight? If so, can we be the kind of friends where the really, really, really rich friend buys the other friend a pony? And a gold-plated yacht?
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Have you ever wondered how some prime Pulp Fiction dialogue and the art of typography could combine into one fan-fucking-tastic QuickTime file? Well, here you go. (Note: NSFW audio.)
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Lastly, I am only now starting to be able to move my arms and legs without shrieking in pain and scrabbling for the ibuprofen. Turbo Jam, which I did once, last Sunday, is still kicking my ass. Apparently I am not in the best of shape. And speaking of, I am doing admirably well on this WW bullshit and am feeling both proud of myself and very, VERY deprived. I ate “Tofurkey” at lunch today, people. TOFURKEY. Because the lunch menu was ravioli with creamy sauce and I’m sure one bite contained 292057 points.
By the way, Tofurkey tastes like what I assume sliced human flesh would. Mmm-MMM!
Mar
6
Dispatch from spic-and-spanville
Filed Under Uncategorized | 41 Comments
March 6, 2007
The housecleaners came yesterday and OH MY GOD, people. My house is so goddamn clean it’s insane. I can’t believe how great it looks—the floors were actually gleaming. I didn’t know the floors were capable of such a thing. Sure, a dull, smudged shine right after a thorough vacuuming, I’ve seen that before, but gleaming?
They did something fancy with the guest bathroom towels, even! Look at this:
I have no idea how they folded those. The towel somehow gets folded in half, then back up? I’m never touching them again. That’s right, I’ll be wiping my hands on my jeans from now on, you got a problem with that?
And check this out: that is my reflection. In the TOASTER. Do you know how grody our toaster normally is, with the fingerprints and the crumbs and so on?
Also, they cleaned underneath Riley’s crib, as evidenced by the odd placement of his under-the-bed octopus. Or maybe the octopus went there on its own, I’m not sure.
They cleaned the inside of the microwave, all our windows (even the giant windows in the front room, holy JESUS), the mirrors, the blinds, the counters, the floors (gleaming!), the tubs, under the couches, the toilets, the coffee-maker, the bookshelves, and I shit you not, they cleaned the leaves of my houseplants.
(Before anyone asks again, yes I’ve read Nickel and Dimed, and yes I agree that some housecleaning services are probably out to rip you off and treat their employees like crap. Maybe it’s best to avoid the big chain companies like Merry Maids, I don’t know.)
JB was home for a little while yesterday and said he saw one of the workers lifting off the top of the stove to get the whole thing cleaned. I . . . did not know the top of the stove could be lifted off. It’s now immaculate, by the way. You could, I don’t know, give birth on it. If you had to. I’m not saying it would be a good idea, I’m just saying you could do it confident in the fact that it was very, very clean.
Best $90 ever spent. Seriously. If you’re in the Seattle area, I highly recommend this company, and by the way you should check out SundryBuzz today because I’ve got a review posted about Angie’s List (where I found the cleaning service) and it includes a coupon you can use for a $10 discount on an Angie’s List membership, should you be in the market for such a thing.
Lastly, apropos of nothing, here is a photo illustrating Cat’s semi-clever, semi-annoying habit of ringing a bell when she wants to be let outside (I feel compelled to clarify that this was taken on Sunday and therefore the floors were not yet GLEAMING, and also Riley was getting over a cold and that’s what’s up with the super-pitiful expression).
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