March 6, 2007

(Yes, another blog post. I am typing instead of doing what I really want to do, which is eat a boxcar-sized pan of brownies.)

I’ve been slowly coming to a realization, and that is this: Riley was not, in all actuality, the world’s cutest newborn. I now believe all new parents are completely drugged by their own love for the tiny, red, squishy thing they have produced, and there’s no chance of objectivity when it comes to assessing your child’s attractiveness. Until someday in the future when you look at an old photo of your precious just-hatched babe and think, my god, what the hell IS that, a lizard? In the meantime, everyone will sweetly assure you of your baby’s extreme beauty, because what else can someone say about a newborn? (“He sure is . . . um, blinky.”)

Aw, who’s a lizard? Whooshy whooshy whooshy!


(Yes, not even a month old and TOTALLY flipping us off there. I should have known we were in for it.)


Hey, did you win Mega Millions tonight? If so, can we be the kind of friends where the really, really, really rich friend buys the other friend a pony? And a gold-plated yacht?


Have you ever wondered how some prime Pulp Fiction dialogue and the art of typography could combine into one fan-fucking-tastic QuickTime file? Well, here you go. (Note: NSFW audio.)


Lastly, I am only now starting to be able to move my arms and legs without shrieking in pain and scrabbling for the ibuprofen. Turbo Jam, which I did once, last Sunday, is still kicking my ass. Apparently I am not in the best of shape. And speaking of, I am doing admirably well on this WW bullshit and am feeling both proud of myself and very, VERY deprived. I ate “Tofurkey” at lunch today, people. TOFURKEY. Because the lunch menu was ravioli with creamy sauce and I’m sure one bite contained 292057 points.

By the way, Tofurkey tastes like what I assume sliced human flesh would. Mmm-MMM!


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