May 15, 2007

Things I have learned about running so far:

• It sounds better to call it “running” than “lumbering along at a glacially slow trot”.

• Don’t try and run if you’re hungry, unless you want to find out what it feels like to have all of your molecules commit suicide at the same time.

• Thread your iPod cord under the strap of your sports bra, that will keep it from flapping around and making you crazy.

• Play music at a level guaranteed to cause hearing damage, that way you won’t be distracted by your own desperate gasping.

• Stuff a Kleenex in a pocket somewhere. Running does weird things to your sinuses.

• When you start a run your knees may feel like they are made out of concrete, and you will jog awkwardly along like a robot at first. This feeling will go away after a couple minutes, but go ahead and add “Mr. Roboto” to your playlist.

• At some point, you will accidentally eat a bug.

Ways in which JB impressed me yesterday:

• On his way to the front yard, effortlessly leaped our makeshift backyard fence, sailing through the air with his feet pushed off to the side like one of those urban gymnastics guys you’ve seen on YouTube. Honestly, I had no idea.

• Confronted with a DVR stuck on fast forward, unleashed a fantastically creative string of cuss words (heavily featuring “Comcast” and “cocksucking”) at top speed, like a cattle auctioneer with Tourette’s, complete with furious Ari-from-Entourage-esque hand-jacking maneuvers. The only way it would have been cooler is if he were also jumping over a fence at the time.

Physical reactions I had while watching this movie the other night:

• Lower jaw dangling down around my chest.

• Blood pressure soaring into seizure territory.

• Arms flapping around wildly to indicate extreme disbelief and horror.

• Random outbursts of “What! What! What!”


Number of nights in a row that Riley has woken up now because his pajamas are all h4x0r3d and his arm is shoved through the neckhole or some such thing:

• FIVE GODDAMNIT FIVE.

Hour at which the contractors arrived this morning to finally start the demolition work on our remodel:

• 7:30.

• In the AM.

• I was not prepared to find a stranger standing outside the kitchen window, and maybe next time I’ll comb my hair.

• Or better yet, have clothes on.

:::

Hey, got any suggestions for a good, fast-paced, not-too-long audio book that I could download for my flight tomorrow? You know, so I have a pile of magazines, a pile of books, a bunch of music, AND an audio book, in case the plane gets redirected to Australia or something.

Also! I have a day of meetings on Thursday, then we head directly for home. What kind of outfit would work for a ‘business casual’ setting, yet will survive a few hours of travel without wrinkling horribly, cutting off my circulation, or killing my feet? Can I get away with a t-shirt—if it’s black and sort of stretchy/dressy—pants, and low heels?

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Lori
15 years ago

Regarding Jesus Camp: I know. I KNOW!!! I saw it months ago and I am still gaping in disbelief. My girlfriend moved from the east coast to the midwest with me shortly before we saw this movie and now she is afraid the Jesus people will get her.

Lori
15 years ago

Oh, and while it isn’t an audiobook, you should try the Savage Love podcasts for the plane. Hi-Lar-ious. Guaranteed to have people asking what you are laughing at but you won’t be able to answer because they are just that dirty.

angela
15 years ago

1.) I refuse to watch Jesus Camp because I know my head will implode.
2.) For me, business casual is jeans, a wifebeater, and flip flops. And since we can’t wear makeup or product in our hair at work, I look a mess every day but boy, I’m super comfy.
3.) Hi.

Katy B
15 years ago

Your t-shirt will be fine as long as it’s not faded and you’ve got the right accessories – a semi-chunky beaded necklace and nice shoes.

warcrygirl
15 years ago

Okay, what the hell does “h4×0r3d ” mean? JB has impressed me as well. Everytime I try to mentally picture my husband jumping over a fence all I get is him stepping over it. He’s kind of tall. Hope you have a great/non-stressful trip!

Joanne
15 years ago

Your outfit sounds fine to me. Aren’t you meeting with Shmapple? They’re not too suited up right? Also, our DVR gets stuck like that and makes me INSANE.

Donna
Donna
15 years ago

hubby is a cop, and the last fence he jumped he hooked his foot, and tumbled, then with his vest and all his shit on, kinda rolled around like a turtle, and one of the other guys helped him up and I asked if he was laughing, hubby said no, he said he was afraid of laughing.
(I woulda laughed my ass off, but damn, he carries a gun, so maybe I shouldn’t).
Find some yoga pants, Victoria’s secret had some cute ones that are in your tiny size, (bitch)….lol and a cute shirt. Sandals. No idea for podcast. Something funny would be good.
And Angela, I want to work with you!!!!

Pete
Pete
15 years ago

Is there any way to incorporate “Jesus Camp” and Zombies?

Caroline
15 years ago

Hi

If you haven’t done the David Sedaris books yet, you should totally listen to “Dress Your Family in Courdoroy and Denim” because the story about Dutch Santa is HA-larious. However, if you have read them already, then go for Jeannette Walls’ “Glass Castle.” It’s terrific!

Teej
15 years ago

Black T-shirt and dress pants = absolutely. Throw on some nice accessories and you’ll look plenty businessy for Frapple.

I am too scared to watch Jesus Camp. And your reactions just confirmed why I feel that way.

girl in greenwood
15 years ago

Good news regarding the cocksucker du jour:
http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/business/315614_msftcomcast15.html

Emily
15 years ago

Jesus Camp almost made me cry, because it’s people like that who give all of the normal, non-crazy Christians a bad rep.

Books: Dave Barry’s Book of Bad Songs. Short, sweet and HILARIOUS.

And I submit that you get JB to do the fence-jumping trick again so you can get a picture of it.

Screaming Mimi
Screaming Mimi
15 years ago

My friend used to work at Pflapple, and their dress code was “wear clothes.” So I think you can get away with pretty much anything.

Cari
Cari
15 years ago

I dig the widgetboxes; just wanted you to know.
And I think your outfit choice will be quite appropriate.

April
April
15 years ago

When in doubt re: business travel, I toss a collar-shirt under a comfier shirt and then just shed the collar shirt and heels at the airport, stuffing those into my bag while changing into flipflops.

Also, when I travel in dress pants, I make sure they’re ones that have ben worn a few times and thus need to be dry-cleaned anyways. Then you don’t care if they get all crinkled up.

April
April
15 years ago

Oh, and thanks for the running tip regarding putting the headphone cord under the sports bra strap. I totally always just hold it like a big goober.

Roseann
15 years ago

My kids did the half-strangle thing with their pjs. Eventually, I gave up and just put them to bed with a diaper and a t-shirt. Turns out they were hot, and in trying to uncover, or whatever, wound up stuck half in/half out of their clothes.
To this day, they sleep in undies, with no blanket, just because they are naturally warm.

Shel
15 years ago

You SHOULD run on an empty stomach, that way you are burning fat, and not calories of a meal just eaten. :)

Jennifer in AZ
Jennifer in AZ
15 years ago

I am a normal, non-crazy Christian and I have not yet brought myself to watch Jesus Camp. I am afraid that it may do bad things to my blood pressure, too.

Not everyone is like that.

Liz in Australia
Liz in Australia
15 years ago

If you get diverted to Australia, come say hi ;-)

kim
kim
15 years ago

For an audio book I am knee deep in the ever funny Amy Sedaris’s “I like you”. It is about hostessing parties as well as being a guest at them. Pretty funny shtuff.

I also liked “WHy do men have nipples?”

Jesus camp made me cry big scared tears. I went to a church where they spoke in tongues when i was little and used to fear Sundays. I still get panicky when someone asks me to go to church with them.

Lacey Noel
15 years ago

I love you and read this blog because you say words like h4×0r3d.

That’s all. I have no advice to offer you :(

Jean
Jean
15 years ago

SOmebody gave me “I Don’t Know How She Does It” on cd and I really enjoyed it….. And for Sedaris I say go for Me Talk Pretty One Day.

Betsy
Betsy
15 years ago

A) Jesus Camp is a horrendifying piece of cinema. I am terrified that we will never find peace – at home or abroad – with extremists like the ones depicted in that documentary teaching their children to hate. It makes us look as horrible and terrifying as the terrorists that we are trying to protect ourselves from.

B) I work at a bookstore, so I’m surrounded by fantastic literary works day in and day out! Here are my top 5 suggestions for audio books for your flight.

1. David Sedaris, Live at Carnegie Hall (Roll-over, pee-your-pants funny. Wait, maybe that isn’t such a good idea. Guess it depends on who you’re sitting next to. Hrm…)
2. Tell No One, Harlan Coben (My favorite mystery writer. Also suggested: Just One Look or Gone for Good)
3. Any of the Harry Potter books, although it’s suggested you start with number 1. (Even if you refuse to buy into the novelty or the brand, nobody can resist the excellent vocal talents of Jim Dale.)
4. Any “Alex Cross” book by James Patterson (in the same vein as Harlan Coben, only with shorter chapters. Reads like a CSI or Law & Order episode)
5. Lamb, The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal by Christopher Moore (Another one that will have you in stitches, especially if you have any prior knowledge of Lord and his posse. Featuring special guest Mary Magdalene as drool-worthy “Maggie”.)

C) Comfy slacks, a nice shirt, chunky necklace and flats = perfectly appropriate just-got-off-the-plane-and-now-I-have-a-meeting look. Have a safe trip!

paige
15 years ago

I got about 20 minutes into Jesus Camp and had to turn it the fuck off. Brought up too many memories of my upbringing in the Baptist church. *shudder*

Jem
Jem
15 years ago

I don’t know about books, but that outfit sounds fine

donna
donna
15 years ago

I am still waiting to find out what “h4×0r3d”means.

As to the dress, a basic black JCrew suit can be dressed up or down and be suitable dress for years to come- just add accesories and bright tops.

I like to listen to the free postcasts of “This American Life”- always interesting and 1 hours long- not too long and not too short.

Tessa
Tessa
15 years ago

I fucking WENT to that Jesus Camp. I haven’t seen the movie yet because…well, we’re a little too wound up in movies lately, but I know Devil’s Lake, ND, and there is not room enough for two crazy insane lunatic bible camps in that town.

I went with a overly church-y buddy, trying desperately as an eighth-grader to spend a non-parentally supervised week with my friend, but I had no. idea. what I was getting into. I would have been much happier had I been surgically attached to my mother for that whole week. I basically exaggerated my cramps so I could spend more time in my cabin, but still ended up being subjected to “The Spiritual Carwash” and being called a demon child by the pastor because I refused to kneel at the front and roll around. Gah. No wonder I’m not interested in church…

CBO
CBO
15 years ago

Ranie and I were horrified when we saw it. Man, it’s one thing to teach your kid morals or take them to church, it’s another thing to indoctrinate them into little roving hate machines. Wow. The best thing about that movie is that it forced that pastor to close the camp.

All it lacked was Mussolini running around. Ugh.

taerna
taerna
15 years ago

don’t know what you’re into, but my two current faves are “eat pray love” by elizabeth gilbert (part travel adventure and part “grow yourself a spine and try loving yourself while you’re at it”) and “total money makeover” by dave ramsey. the money makeover is all about debt and getting out of it. dave says, “live like no one else so you can one day live like no one else.” i’ve totally drank his kool-aid.

Christy
15 years ago

My boyfriend and I are BOTH non-crazy Christian, he’s a “Southern Comfort” Baptist, and I’m Episcopalian, and we have the most screwed up religious dynamic possible under the Protestant umbrella. Anyway, I made him watch “Jesus Camp” with me, and while it was very disturbing, i still laugh when I think about the young girl saying, very earnestly, that she loves to dance, but she has to be careful and make sure her dancing isn’t “of the flesh.” Oh, man. That was our inside joke for WEEKS…”are you sure eating that Oreo isn’t of the flesh?” “I would wash my car today, but I’m afraid it would be of the flesh.”

God help ’em. truly.

On a related note, Jerry Falwell, the guy who created Liberty University, the college where your undergrad, grad, or law degree will be worth less than the paper its printed on because the school isn’t accredited, died today.

Melanie
15 years ago

I haven’t seen Jesus Camp, but I have a book called the same thing. Jesus freaky people scare me, though, so I might not be able to read it. Books, I have no idea on, since the only audio books I know are kids’ books. You never know with audio books if the person reading it is going to suck and ruin the whole story, so I can’t in good conscience recommend any I haven’t already heard. And T-shirts are totally fine.

Amber
15 years ago

As for Jesus Camp, even MORE disturbing is that the Evangelical Christians putting it out were PROUD and thought it would be a lovely representation of how they do things. My good god.

deanna
15 years ago

have yet to see “jesus camp” and after that resounding recommendation…i think ill take a permanent PASS.

as for the ipod thing, my new favorite running/workout top is by lululemon and has this SUPER NIFTY little “cord tunnel” where i can snap the cord in on the side and voila—no cord problems. it also does hurt that the top is super cute and cute well, made with some lovely mesh for “adequate” ventillation and has a little pocked in the back for my ipod.

check it out:
http://www.lululemon.com/products/womens/tops/tanks/athletic_deepv_tank

i seriously cant say enough good stuff about the lululemon products on the whole. i have a ton of their stuff and love every bit of it!

deanna
15 years ago

cripes! apoligies for the HORRID spelling and typos. the top is super CUTE AND WELL MADE and has a little pockeT in the back….

Karla
15 years ago

I started watching Jesus Camp, but I couldn’t finish it. Blood can only boil for so long before it hits dangerous and toxic levels.

Vanessa
Vanessa
15 years ago

Black T-shirt and dress pants are absolutely appropriate for Schmapple – ss long as the t-shirt is brand new. My travel ensemble is always dress pants and a black twin set – easy and comfortable but still professional.

I’m not good on accessories but I think everyone else is right in that a chunky necklace will help in upping the ‘businessy’ look.

Have a good trip. If you get stuck here and need a place to escape your boss, I’m just up the road! (Not to be stalker-like or anything).

Daily Tragedies
15 years ago

Hooray! Am not the total freak I thought I was re: the bra strap/iPod cord rigging. Or maybe I still am, but, damn it’s practical!

Have a great, if short, business trip!

Melissa
15 years ago

I had to watch Jesus Camp with one finger attached to the remote’s pause button, because after five minutes I was be stopping it every few seconds to recover, shout at the TV, ask my husband, “What the hell did she just say? Did she MEAN that?

The memory still gets me riled.

Willa
15 years ago

One of the best things that happened to me this year was finding John Hodgman’s new book “The Areas of My Expertise” on iTunes for free. He is a hilarious guy, if you’re not already familiar (he’s the PC guy in the Apple commercials, been on This American Life, the Daily Show, etc) and the book is an almanac of fake facts “WHICH INCLUDE: Matters historical, Matters Literary, Matters Cryptozoological, Hobo Matters, Food, Drink and Cheese (a Kind of Food), Squirrels and Lobsters and Eels, Haircuts, Utopia, What Will Happen in the Future, and Most Other Subjects)” Long story short, it’s a delight of dry, surreal humor and is also sort of absurdly poetic at times. And the bonus about the audiobook is that J.H. reads it himself and is accompanied by musician/funny guy/troubadour Jonathon Coulton. Anywho, I highly recommend it, even though I don’t think it is free anymore.

Sonia
Sonia
15 years ago

I missed the part where you found a new contractor. But, YAY!! Happy remodel!

Dvlshkitten
15 years ago

Glad I’m not the only one whose DVR gets stuck on fast forward. Hate that shit!

pippa
15 years ago

Heh heh heh on the shirt. I (meaning G) discovered that it is occurrng to Butter when she can’t manage to get her arm back in the arm hole after pulling her hand inside her shirt to surreptitiously sneak it inside her diaper to, er, fiddle with her naughty bits.

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