May 22, 2007

I hate big boobs and I can not lie.

Not your boobs, of course. Your personal boobs are magnificent! They’re so . . . rotund and regal! In fact, those suckers should be gracing the front of a Viking ship somewhere.

I’m talking about MY boobs, which have not reduced in size the same way some of my other, more cooperative body parts have in the last couple months. I realize that smaller breasts are not normally a desired side effect of dieting, but in my case I had fervently hoped to streamline my cup size, if only a little.

But no. They have perhaps succumbed even more to gravity (soon enough I’ll simply be scooping them off the goddamn floor when I get dressed in the morning), but the volume levels remain the same.

You know what? I’d like to wear a t-shirt without looking like I’m auditioning for a job at Hooters. I’d like to wear a button-down shirt that neither looks like a potato sack nor offers that tantalizing peekaboo gap between the third and fourth button. I want a bra that doesn’t include enough underwire to trigger an airport security alarm, and doesn’t appear to have been designed by a nun moonlighting as a structural engineer.

And . . . and I want to jog without having to hog-tie my chest into submission ahead of time! I’d like to experience the elusive thrill of the spaghetti strap! When I’m cold, I don’t want to have to do that awkward crossed-arms thing, to prevent my nipples from painfully poking out the eyeballs of innocent passersby!

I want small boobs, by god. Like a B cup. Enough to smash into cleavage with the right bra, not too much to get away with those ‘built-in shelf’ tank tops.

Oh, what might it be like, living in a world where your breasts don’t drag through the spaghetti sauce during dinner? Where your bra tag doesn’t read “Hoisted N’ Matronly: the Comfort Fit“? I fantasize about an unfettered, bouncy lifestyle, with elaborate champagne spillings (oops! Tee hee) and sunset horse-gallopings; where I’m free to run along the beach in slow motion, Baywatch-style . . . without a wayward boob flying back and smacking me in the face.

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angela
17 years ago

The Express tanks with the built in bra are awesome. The bra part is made of foam or something.

Kathryn
Kathryn
17 years ago

As a 30E, let me just say, “Tell me about it.” I’m about ready to head out to the kitchen and lop them off with a carving knife.

Kimberly
Kimberly
17 years ago

I went for a bra fitting recently and I was way off on sizing. The nice lady brought me a bra that had the price tag of $80.00. I tried it on and damn the thing is the best thing ever for these huge boobs.

I lost 60 pounds and not one bit of that was boob. I keep saying I’m going to get a reduction but I’m all chicken shit.

Carrie
17 years ago

Don’t worry, when they get droopy enough and you have to roll them into balls to put into the bra cup, they will feel smaller. Oops! That might just be me. Nevermind. I understand your frustration though with all the working out you have been doing. You DESERVE smaller boobs! More comfort!

Ari
Ari
17 years ago

I hear you. I’m looking into a reduction. And I don’t even have the baby excuse!

nonsoccermom
17 years ago

I know nothing of this, as I am barely an A cup. Even now, 8 weeks pregnant, mine are only slightly larger than normal and I’m sure that’s not noticeable to anyone but me. As a small chested gal, though, I have to say that most of us spend a lot of time wishing we had much bigger boobs.

I don’t know if they still do, but Victoria’s Secret used to sell these crazy industrial strength sports bras. They must be made of steel or something – they make me look absolutely prepubescent. Like I said, I have no frame of reference but maybe that would help while jogging?

Amanda
17 years ago

amen.

One Smart Cookie
17 years ago

I guess this is truly a case of “the grass is always greener”… My poor little B’s would like your boobs to know how jealous they get sometimes. How demoralizing it is to have every dress altered because otherwise it will just fall down to waist level at some point in the evening. How much they long to experience cleavage without also being mangled into some contraption with more padding than a mattress. How sad they are that they are not large enough to help their owner look more proportionate. (If you’re going to give a girl some giant hips, don’t you think the top could be built to balance that shit out a little? That’s all I’m sayin’.)

Meliss
17 years ago

You and Mac should get together and form a club, as she appears to be on your same wavelength.

Gena
17 years ago

If you decide to get a reduction, call me. I want an enlargement. My boobs were popping out of D cups when I was pregnant every time and now, 4 children later, they are sad, saggy, barely A’s. I will be buying myself some boobs in the near future. I want actual breasts in the worst way.

Melissa
Melissa
17 years ago

I don’t have large boobs but I have noticed a heck of a lot more sagging since I had my daughter. I can never find a comfortable bra. I’ve tried those spagetti straps and they are not all they are cracked up to be. :) Wish I had some advice but it seems like you have plenty of other ladies who can directly relate.

imstell
17 years ago

I have felt your pain. I HATE big boobs with many sharp, pointy daggers. Yet, after a double mastectomy and reconstruction… I realize how much of my self was tied up in my girls. Don’t get me wrong… I love my new girls far more than the old… They are alert and active and still large by industry standards. Plus, they “hold their own” and have allowed me the here-to-fore only dreamed about backless, halter blouse. But I sure do miss my nipples.

Jaci
Jaci
17 years ago

Sing it, sister. When I was 18, I was 36C. Last year, at twenty, I broke down and bought a 36C. About two weeks ago, I wandered into Victoria’s Secret, and got fitted with 34DD. DD!!! I was so devestated. My flat chested best friend didn’t understand why I walked around in such a daze for two hours. And the dress shirt thing? Oh my god, YES. I had to buy a XXL dress shirt the other day to get the buttons to stay closed, and I usually wear a M or L. Ugh.

Cari
17 years ago

I used to want larger breasts before I was pregnant. Now that I am nursing, I wish they were back to normal (and I only grew to maybe a C.)
It’s not fair that you can’t show off that tiny waist you worked so hard for because clothes that show it also accentuate the Ladies; and no one will be looking at your waist then anyway.
Maybe you can use the money from your book deal *wink* to get a reduction?

Sarah
Sarah
17 years ago

I’m also of the ‘barely fill an A cup’ club. People told me it would change when I got pregnant. It didn’t. They said it would change when I started breastfeeding. One month into that and it hasn’t. Not only that, but only one side works, so now I’m lopsided (but not much due to the aforementioned lack of growth – ha!). Since giving birth, I’ve talked more about my boobs than I’d ever thought possible. The small ones do make it easier to jog though….but a pain to find clothes to fit! We all have our problems, don’t we!

Josh
Josh
17 years ago

Ahem. I uh don’t really feel your pain at all. Sorry, I just tried understanding and it didn’t work. I say, the bigger the better. But just as often, less is more.

A wise man once said: “Breast size is like Coke vs. Pepsi. A man might state a preference, but he’ll take whatever’s on tap.”

So don’t go reducing your assets or whatever euphemish applies to tits. God wants it the way it is. I’m sorry I was not able to relate to your plight. Maybe tomorrow you can write about wanting to change something less awesome, and I might do better. At least there were no pictures this time. That would have been akward.

BethanyWD
BethanyWD
17 years ago

I had a breast reduction (after I had my 2 kids) and it was the BEST thing I ever did for myself. I’d been wanted one since high school (I’m 31 now). Insurance even paid for it!

Junni
Junni
17 years ago

Something tells me JB is going to hate this entry.

Swistle
17 years ago

I DO hear you, and it all makes sense. On the other hand, it’s hard to identify with someone who’s skinny AND has a great rack.

Pete
Pete
17 years ago

Here is an interesting site to ‘examine’ sports bras

http://www.shockabsorber.co.uk/bounceometer/shock.html

Pete
Pete
17 years ago

Forgot, be sure to look at the wire frame version.

Melissa
17 years ago

Hmm, sounds familiar!

I was a 32C at age 13. I am now age 28 and, despite losing all but 5 lb of last year’s baby weight, I am back to the bra size I’ve been since college: 34E or F. It sucks. I’ve been planning to have surgery since I was about 16 years old… one more baby to go, and then I’m finding a doctor for a reduction/lift. My husband is being very supportive as long as I don’t go smaller than a C, which I wouldn’t, because it would look too weird. (although I’m going to tell the doctor to make it a SMALL C…) I can’t wait!

This isn’t to say that surgery is for everyone. But I do feel your pain.

Pam
Pam
17 years ago

Another “grass is greener, can’t relate” comment: I’m so flat, I was called “Sir” WHILE PREGNANT. In terms of my Boobular History, breastfeeding was the best time of my life. :-)

Amy
Amy
17 years ago

Oh, A-fucking-MEN. When I was a size 6, they didn’t have the decency to drop below a D. Harrumph.

Tips from a 36DD, in case you don’t know about them already: Title Nine has THE BEST sports bras for larger sizes. Seriously, they can stop the bounce. And I recently picked up the Ipex from Victoria’s Secret, and hoo boy! I look like I’ve had a lift. The shape is *great*, the colors are good, and the fit is comfortable. Hope this helps!

Anonymous
Anonymous
17 years ago

I’m 32FF right now. I fear for when I am pregnant. :(

Melanie
Melanie
17 years ago

Oh, boy do I hear you. Double D just sounds… scary. I hate them. I just got these for wearing button down shirts. They just came so I haven’t tried them yet.

http://www.bugcatcherz.com/noSeeEms.aspx

I found via http://www.fashionbuzz.typepad.com

Naomi
Naomi
17 years ago

It does remind me of a cartoon that I haven’t seen in a while. A dude is standing at a bus stop with a slogan on his t-shirt that says “Show us your tits” . The little old lady next to him lifts her dress to just above her knees……

Christen
17 years ago

I hear you. After having breast reduction pre-pregnancy (a wise, freeing, and delightful choice), I keep asking my OB-GYN, “And when will they return to normal?” He says patiently, “It’s only seven weeks post-partum, give them time.” I haven’t been able to breast feed, which has been a minus, but otherwise I have been so thankful I made that choice seven years ago. Going from DD to B was heavenly. Hang in there!

Bianca
17 years ago

I’m a solid B cup and my best friend is a DD. There are times when I wish I had more but then I see the bra’s she buys…you know the moonlighting nun/matronly things and I thank god for my B’s and the lacy, satiney french-whore looking things I wear that are still totally functional.

Either way, I’ve learned to just love what you got. Everyone else will love you too if it shows that you carry your body with pride. Your boobs are great (yeah, I remember that Zombie t-shirt…niiiice) and luckily we can still tell how skinny you’re getting. If the boobs were such a hindrance that the weight loss was invisible because of them, that would REALLY suck so it could be worse!

Katia
17 years ago

Amen!

I’m a double D most days these days. The girls are… large and in charge, that’s for damned sure. I long for a nice, comfy /cute/ bra. Something that doesn’t look like my mother wears. Those days are long past. I love for something with straps less than an inch side. I long for the spaghetti strap, too! But I don’t think I could manage this without surgery no matter how much weight I lost. I was doomed from an early age. I remember being barely 11, and my mom’s best friend giving me a sympathetic look and telling me that I was gonna have big boobs just like my mom.

I guess someone forgot to knock on wood.

Fifi
17 years ago

Remember “plorty snee”?

KT
KT
17 years ago

My sympathies. I would LOVE to be flat as a board! I hate the exercise bouncing, and I feel too chesty in a lot of shirts. I would totally go for the Paris Hilton body type: long, skinny, and flat. Instead I’m short and curvy. Lame.

jonniker
17 years ago

Oh man. It IS my boobs that you hate, and you’ve probably wanted to sock me in the face every time I’ve whined about their ever-constant shrinkage. For what it’s worth, I’m with Swistle. I know they probably annoy you, but you have great boobs, you really do. I dream of having boobs that you can actually feel, instead of a few sad little lumps that may actually be fat rolls, especially if you’re groping around in the dark.

I must hastily add, however, that boob size has nothing to do with whether your nipples stand at attention like overeager pencil erasers. No shit, Linda, mine can actually break through the most padded of push up bras. I just glanced down to see if I was right, and yep! There they are, letting me know that they’re there if I need them, just in case there’s some kind of…erasing emergency or… something.

Danell
Danell
17 years ago

Josh-ROFL

Big boobs always sound great to guys. But really, do they like SAGGY boobs? Because that’s the destiny of big boobs. Sag. And Flop. Which is not to be confused with Bounce, which is like the Baywatch thing Sundry mentioned.

Nona
Nona
17 years ago

When you get it right, lady, you get it RIGHT! I was so happy when I was pregnant because I thought that the shirts might now accommodate my girls. I spent the next 35 weeks slightly bummed that no, not even maternity wear could tame my boobs. I dream of running…in fact your last sentence had me giggling so hard my husband had to come see what was going on. I hope your diet eventually leads to smaller boobs, and not just because I want the same damn result. I’ve also heard that some exercises can tone and lift, but I have yet to check this out.

Traci
17 years ago

At 22 (and far from bearing children) and carrier of a pair of 34DDs that have been traveling South since high school, I get it.

Also, the Perfect Fit camis from Solutions are a GODSEND for us voluptuous ladies. They’re not cheap, but holy crap, they’re amazing. And nothing is more fun than yelling “I’m not wearing a braaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!” to your boyfriend, only to have him run into the room and look slightly disappointed. Hee.

Emily
17 years ago

The boob-weight that I keep losing is obviously gravitating, somehow, to yours. Give it back, and we can both be happy.

Jem
Jem
17 years ago

To be honest, I have big ones also but I kinda love it. Sometimes I wish I had smaller ones (like today, when the dress I ordered from the States dosen’t fit because of them) but most of the time I would much prefer big over small.

Jane
Jane
17 years ago

When I was in junior high school, girls with boobs like yours made fun of girls with boobs like mine, so I must say it’s gratifying to hear that my bra size is finally worthy of envy. I think I’ll go put on a tank top and run around the block to celebrate.

Claire
Claire
17 years ago

I think evil evil pushups, and other pectoral and shoulder muscle type workouts are good for that; they’ll increase the muscle underneath a bit and should burn a bit of fat. Orrr, more running and cardio. Orrr, I’m talking out of my arse. Possibly all three.

Tina
17 years ago

I’m so in agreement with you! Every since having the boys, “the girls” have NOT been the same. Bigger and I pop out SO much more easily! Quite annoying. I don’t want to buy super padded bras, but I don’t want to poke an eye out either!

Anonymous
Anonymous
17 years ago

The key to getting insurance to cover a breast reduction is to mention to your physician how you are having back, shoulder and neck pain. And seriously, who doesn’t?

It’s worth it- they give them a perky little lift at the same time. Just schedule for winter when the recovery bras you have to wear are hidden under lots of layers.

breckgirl
17 years ago

Amen on Title 9 sports bras. I am a 36DD. Funny, I recently did a bit of writing about the supporting the girls and the lack of appropriate sports bras for large breasted chicks… It is a true dilemma!!

“What I really need is a new sports bra. I was looking at these poor excuses for sports bras at Target. Are they serious? The term “sports BRA” clearly indicates that the person wearing it will have BREASTS they want to keep from flopping around when jogging, jumping, etc. These wee wisps of fabric that are masquerading as “sports bras” are certainly not capable of strapping down these cantaloupes – no way. The tags say that the sports bras have a “shelf bra” in them to offer extra support. Baby, I don’t need a shelf, I need a damned iron-reinforced overpass, complete with earthquake retrofitting to accommodate even the most severe techtonic forces. I mean, I’ve got RACK. So I’ve been checking out the internet – a website called Title 9 has some awesome contraptions that are guaranteed to hold the girls in place but they want some serious cash. I guess I can understand, considering the amount of reinforcement, advanced top secret government-issue fabric and extra sewing that is sure to be involved. Anyway – I’m sure I will have to bend to the pressure and buy one soon as I cannot continue to jog along holding my boobs in hopes that I will notice any on-coming cars or neighbors in their yards before they seem me gripping myself. Really – I do it.”

Boobs – we love them, we hate them. I paid for mine and they were glorious but after a kid, even the fake ones can lose their perkiness and go south. Oh well – I still have fantastic cleavage! I dread the day, though, when I wake up and my implants are hanging from my long, sagging National Geographic-style boobs, like an orange in the end of a tube sock. I have to get a lift after the next kid!

And hey – Nordstrom has great bras and trained bra fitters. Sounds creepy but these women know boobs and can fit you into something you’ll love (and pay dearly for). I’ve found that, at least with bras, expensive is always the best. Good luck with those wild things.

lisa
17 years ago

Preach it, sister. I’m 5’2″ and of average build and there are times when I feel like my tits completely overpower my whole body. Though I am just a 36 C- after reading some of the comments about ladies with DDs and beyond- I suppose I should quit my bitchin! :)

Alyson
17 years ago

Please, please visit the Bellevue Square Nordstrom’s for a proper bra fitting. I went from a 38C to a 38DD! Not that I wanted bigger boobs! Heck NO! But the right size bra does a wonderful job of minimizing the volume of the ta-tas! Then nip over to the department next to “individualist” (can’t remember the name) for a couple of Caslon t-shirts. You will love them!

Christine
17 years ago

Ah, that green lawn over there. I used to have fantastic D breasts. I mean it, they were great. Then I lost oh, 30ish pounds? They were still great! Then, a few years later, I lost another 10 and I went down a cup size. Now they are there, and a bit deflated. For shame. Maybe, one day after babies, I will get a reduction. Right now, my flappers do their job just fine.

BUT my sister has gigantic breasts for her size. She’s about an 8 in jeans and I guess would be an F? Maybe a G? She wants a breast reduction like no one’s business. Shopping trips always end in tears.

If they get in your way, or cause you discomfort, I say go for a reduction or lift. Otherwise, you let those ladies fly. You look gorgeous!

Tammy
17 years ago

I’d settle for a bra that doesn’t have straps that turn into garroting wire after two wears…

christen
17 years ago

Wow, there’s another Christen with the same spelling leaving you comments. COOL!

I had been a nice, slim 34B maybe 34C my entire life until two years ago.

Gained weight, shot up to a DD.

Tell me about it. Ugh.

paige
paige
17 years ago

Oh how I feel your pain. I have a small upper body (my sister calls me “noodle arms” if that tells you anything). Only problem is these gigantic jugs I’m lugging around. Buy a shirt to fit my boobs, and it hangs down to my knees. Buy a shirt to accommodate my small arms and shoulders, and I look like I’m givin Pamela Anderson a run for her money. Add in my eternally erect nipples (I’m not always cold! Or horny! Promise!) and you have a recipe for disaster. Or at the very least, ill fitting clothing.

Jay
Jay
17 years ago

I hear you – another D/DD in the house. But ya know? Mom had breast cancer, so did her aunt, and her aunt’s mom. I think that has completely cured me of bitching about my breasts. They did what they were meant to (fed my kid) for a while, and certainly aren’t the perkiest lasses in the land, but no one in this household is complaining. I’m grateful to them and for them and send lots of caring, loving thoughts to them (as well as try to maintain a healthy lifestyle). Because I don’t want them any other way.