word!

Beautiful post! I agree… it’s not whether we moms work or not, it’s that we do what makes us happy. Because our kids deserve to have happy moms. Period.

Linda,

This reminds me so much of a quote I found recently, I just have to share:

“Don’t ask yourself what the world needs; ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go and do that. Because what this world needs is people who have come alive.” –Howard Thurman

I think you can replace “this world” with “this family” and arrive at the same conclusion. The best for your family will never be something that keeps you from being you. You can’t be resentful and joyful at the same time – just like you truly can’t worry and trust at the same time.

I have felt all this but I could never express it half so well as you do here. Wow, amen, and best of luck.

I tend to get lost in bitterness over why no one ever asks if MEN should “work OR stay home with their children.” The fact that that hardly ever comes up, that there IS no issue with “working fathers,” or heaven forbid we just say “working parents,” is what rankles me more than anything. And I don’t even HAVE kids! Sigh.

Thank you for admitting what all of the working moms silently worry about. I haven’t even had the damn kid and I’m already guilting myself about going back to work. But I am not the SAHM type. Just not.

I totally agree with that quote. I myself do not have human children (oh the spoiling that goes on with the 4-legged kids), but have myself been the child of a working parent, and been the Auntie to some with a SAHM and some with working mothers. In every single case I have witnessed the utter chaos of family life and none were happier than the families in which the parents had an outside passion. Not only do your interests make you a happier person to be around, they provide you with new knowledge that you can pass on to your children.

It’s not the time at home that makes for a good parent, it’s how you interact with your child. My mom was a stay at home mom and she takes great pride in saying “I was always there when you came home from school!” Yep, she was, but that doesn’t matter because she didn’t pay attention to her kids. I have very little memories of my mother playing with me or doing fun things with me. She admits she was more interested in keeping a clean house than spending time with the 2 youngest of us. Her being physically IN the home didn’t matter, 24 hours a day or 5 hours a day – it doesn’t matter if you are ignoring your kids. I’d much rather have had a mom who worked but actually gave a shit about me.

I’ll be having my first in 6 weeks or so and will stay home until the end of the year. I’ve given a lot of thought to whether or not I should return to work and I am with you in that I want to – almost need to – do it. I like working and am a happier person when I accomplish things in the workplace. I think that’s the sort of passion Kaplan is talking about. When #2 comes along, maybe I’ll stay home longer or find something part time but for now, I’ll be working after only 3.5 months home. I know you can get through the doldrums and find the passion!

That quote hits the nail on the head. For me, I know I need an outlet and my own identity. I am a better mother because I work than I would be if I was home with them. I don’t judge people who stay home with their kids because that is what works for them. Same with women who work outside the home. As mothers we are still individuals with different needs. What works for me doesn’t necessarily work for the next person.

Great post!!!

I’ve stayed home on and off throughout my entire parenting career. Which, despite my age *ahem* 38, has been nearly 22 years now. I’ve been a single mom who went to college full time and worked full time (do not ask how I managed that. I think I didn’t sleep for a few years. I cannot imagine doing that now!). I’ve been a married mom who stayed home and cared for her family/extended family, etc.

Truth is, Linda, it won’t matter where you are at – or what you are doing, you are going to wonder if it is the right choice. Is this the right choice for YOU right now? It sounds like your answer is a resounding YES. Then make that choice for YOU. Sometimes finding the right balance is difficult and no matter what choice you make, you always wonder what if you’d made the other choice.

Parenting is hard. Period. Worth it. Trying. Aggravating. It is amazing that those little lives are our creation and we are here to cherish them. Still, getting away to go to work and interact with adult humans is priceless! And if they actually PAY you to do it, well all the better!

I felt the same way about my job before quitting to be a SAHM when my son was 18 months old. And for the first year I was home, I was ridiculously happy.

Two years later, I’m more of a WAHM, since I’ve got all these damn blog gigs. I often feel like I was happier overall when my only job title was “mother”, but I know I’d be even LESS happy if I gave up the one thing I do that’s actually for me. Part of me still misses that conference room, though. I’m looking forward to getting back to “real” work when my kids are both in school.

What I’m saying, in an annoyingly wordy way, is that I really appreciate this post. I’m just hoping that it matters less now, when I’m in the midst of dirty diapers and sore nipples and maybe more when my kids are in school and can see the passion I’ll have for whatever I do next.

That last line is incredible. Thanks for writing this.

I understand the pressure to stay home and be with your kid 24/7. I really feel my fur bristle whenever I run across these outdated, vaguely religious stigmas. I don’t understand why anyone would feel that it is wrong to have two parents of a household actively working to provide for their family. WTF? The simple fact is that the world and the economy are changing in such a way that it is harder and harder to support a household on one income. That’s why many kids are staying at home longer, because they simply can’t get afford to live on their own without a career income. And the same for why people are waiting longer to have children, and having less of them.

And who the hell wants to hang around their house all the time. I have a blast for the first week or two without a job. But after that I’m chomping at the bit to get back to doing something, anything! It drives me crazy to never go anywhere else.

I’m sympathetic to your angst, and although I don’t feel it is needed, I’m glad it is a common problem for mothers. And here’s why. Because if the world did a feminist flip and reversed roles completely. And men were expected to stay home and take care of the children, the world would end. If we didn’t kill all of our offspring (some of them accidentally, ie: explosives accidents, improper food hygiene) and the little buggers didn’t kill themselves due to negligent supervision, then surely this next generation of all-man-raised kids would find some visionary new way to wipe out all of civilization as we know it. The fact is that without your guilt-ridden motherly instincts, planet earth would be a lonely place in 75 years.

Wow. Well said!

Beautiful post, Linda. Honesty is just so important when it comes to the decisions we make about motherhood – honesty with ourselves and with each other. In one sense, I am lucky in that my passion is for motherhood, so being a SAHM suits me the way it doesn’t suit you – and that’s okay for both of us, it doesn’t make me a better mother or you a better person, or vice versa, it makes us both more authentic in our own way. I might not suffer the working mother guilt if I’m at home when my kids are young, but who knows whether I’ll start feeling the not-a-productive-member-of-society guilt when they’re older and I could take the option to put them in school and start working myself instead of continuing to homeschool? Saying a big “F*** you, I’m doing what’s right for me and my family” to society solves a lot of those incipient guilts, I find *g*

As my eldest daughter has gotten older I’ve seen the horizons of motherhood opening out in a way which is almost scary in comparison to the “sippy cups and diapers” years. I’m trying to balance the fact that my eldest is growing into womanhood while I am still living those chaotic early parenting years with her sister and this new one on the way. She has started contemplating what she wants to do with her life. If I can live my passion in a way which leaves open the possibility that there are other ways to find fulfillment in life than the path I’ve chosen, then I will have done a good job, however traditional and restrictive my choice to be a SAHM might look to other people (yes, I’m looking at you, Linda Hirshman!).

Oh I feel like that, too – a lot of the time. But I agree with several commenters above (Kaire?) – what is really important is the time that is spent with your child. I think you can be present but not really there – and what good is that? My child loves his daycare and loves going to see nana and bapa and his auntie em – those are the places he spends time when my husband and I are working. Sometimes I think I would love to be a SAHM but then I remember how much I love being a lawyer – how much I love the writing, the research (yes, it’s true), and the performances that come along here and there. I need intellectual stimulation. I think that I could actuallyenjoy being a SAHM but I would still have to have that intellectual stimulation. Unfortunately, my student loans don’t allow me the option of staying home any time soon so – I just try to make the best of each minute I have with my son. And at his age (21 months), it’s quite a challenge, but I love it all the same. Be kind to yourself and enjoy your time with Riley, whenever it is. Because in just a little while, that time will be compromised by yet another child. OMG – THEN how guilty are we going to feel???!!! Splitting time between kids – that’s a topic I don’t even want to think about until it is UPON me. You’re doing great – and as we can all easily see, you and JB are great parents. Don’t sweat it, girl. Now go eat something.

You post couldn’t have come at a better time.

I like what you said about how if things aren’t going well, we can make changes. I think people get hand-wringy about making ONE decision for ALL TIME, but it doesn’t have to be like that. You can go with what is working, and if it stops working you can change it. That’s why it’s a bad idea to say that staying at home is the only right way to be a parent, or that working outside the home is the only right way to be a parent: a parent might want to alter that view later on. I like knowing that if I feel like I’m going to go nuts if I stay at home one more day, I haven’t made any declarations that I’d have to eat before going out to get a job.

And, as you said, our decisions aren’t only between working and staying home: we can add and subtract hobbies and other interests, too. That’s a good thought, and I like it.

Another thing I like to think about is that this current situation won’t be for all time: this is just the stage of life with small children in it. After that’s over, we’ll be going on to different things and different choices.

To stay home parent or not to stay home parent is a completely personal decision, and in a perfect world, both men and women would have the opportunity to make that choice. I totally get pissed at those who degrade stay-at-home moms as a whole (although some of the terminally perky ones totally deserve it). I also hate SAHM’s who say “I can’t understand letting someone else raise my kids!” (that one really grates my cheese!). I have done both. Sometimes working was necessary, sometimes it was a choice, sometimes staying home was the more practical and satisfying choice. Depended on where I was and what my husband’s and my situation was at the time.

Right now, I am blessed with a bit of both worlds. We own our own business, I work with my husband (for better AND worse, sometimes), but I can say – I need today for…….fieldtrips, doctor’s appointments, just to have a day to myself….and I can have it. I am truly blessed.

I am raising boys with parents who are passionate about things outside the family unit – THEY are encouraged in their passions, as well. Their parents are there when they need them, and are secure enough in their parenting to let them go, when it’s time.

You’re doing the right thing for your family, right now. If the answer will be the same six months or a year from now, who knows. But the wonderful thing is, you can change your mind, if you want. Great, ain’t it?

It’s funny to hear someone say about having children the same things I do about having none–not the guilt part but the “others are having more passionate and exciting lives than me” part (which I may very well be reading into what you’ve written). I often find the childless life tedious and restrictive and think to myself, “Oh, the fun I’d have if there were a baby in the mix!” I think it’s sometimes just the grass-is-greener mentality that hits us all, no matter what life stage we’re in at the moment.

For every working mother who has the same worries as you is a SAHM who worries that she’s become boring and wonders if she’ll ever be able to have a coherent conversation with another adult. It’s so refreshing to see an article that doesn’t take sides or demonize the choices an individual makes. I worked for the first 7 months of Jr’s life and was MISERABLE. I loved staying home with both of my kids but now that my youngest is in 1st grade this year I’m looking forward to working again. To each her own, I say.

Nothing much has changed, I see. I am 57 and have worked full-time since I was 22 with the exception of one year that I took off between jobs. We women had the same kind of decisions to make back then, too, and trust me, back then SAHMs really looked down their noses at those of us who thought we needed to work for empowerment and fulfillment and to have a CAREER. And, us career-type gals were kinda snobby about it and figured the SAHMs just weren’t smart enough to handle both a career and a family….yikes.

At 37, I went from that career to a part-time position with summers off. By then I had figured out that while I loved my job and the money, I wanted to be around when they were beginning their teen years and time was running out. To hell with the new furniture and the fancy vacations….the kids were more important.

Anyway, since we have one adult kid that is happy and well-adjusted and one that is charming but fucked up, I’ll never know if the “how they turned out” was because I was home or because I wasn’t!

Let me just chime in with my two cents here. I completely agree with you Sundry. You did a very good job of articulating my feelings on this topic exactly.

My youngest is 18 months and she has greatly benefitted from the relationships that she was developed with her caregivers and the other children at daycare. Incidentally, we have just moved out of state, my husband just passed away (life isn’t exactly fair, is it?) and after the dust settles I feel that it is imperative that she return to another nice daycare because she needs ALL of the positive relationships that she can possibly get. I cannot offer her everything she needs. And eventually I am going to need to return to my calling as a nurse. Our lives would be empty without it.

Don’t ever feel guilty over your choices. You are clearly a wonderful mother. Your son is beautiful and your marriage is good. You deserve a rewarding career just like everyone else.

Having no children, I can’t speak to the fears of mothers in either situation. But I can say thanks for putting that reminder out, that we are responsible for our own passion. From one who has spent way too much time complaining that work is boring, it is a good reminder that it isn’t going to get better without my help.

I love that quote. it’s so true.

I felt this post in my bones. Once again you have moved me to action. Thank you!

“Life is what happens to you when you’re making other plans”, I love that quote.

Hi there! I’m a mom with four girls!!I know OMG!!Their ages are from 16
down to 8.I had an injury and have been home with for over a year.Work had always been a get away without that emotional exhaustion. You know basically therapy.Independence!!!Our chance to contribute.I love being a mom and a wife buuuuuut,I(we)need that get away!Good luck and no worries it’s obvious your doing great.I’ve learned it’s the people that don’t care, that don’t even ponder on these things.You’re one good Muthah.;)

You rock, dude! I am not sure a comment would even do your posting the justice it needs.

The hardest thing for me in this decision is the back and forth. I am not going to leave my job and I LOVE my son deeply and dearly. I have had an internal fight over staying at work or staying at home. In the end, I know that I am making the right decision for Matthew, our family and myself. It is hard when those around you (well educated, seemingly smart women) seem to be leaving the work place in droves to stay at home. I feel the guilt of not being one of those but as someone pointed out to me – the people around me are doing that so go find some friends who are working full time and are happy to do it because if you keep those around you who are taking a different path and are making me feel guilty (not that they are personally attacking me, just my guilt born by own conscience) it is time to make a change.

We just talked about your sphere of influence and sphere of concern (Covey’s book). It is a good reminder. Changing our habits, changing our methods of influence and changing the way we see our no control problems are within our Circle of Influence.

Being a stay at home mom does not make you a better mother. In fact, one of the reasons I know I am better working mother (and I do not have luxury to work part time so my son goes to DC five days a week for exactly 40 hours) has to do with the fact that I am taking the HUGE amount of stress we would feel as a couple income wise. We would be poor and we would not be able to keep our house. We would not be putting money away for our son’s future and ours (because let’s face it soon enough Matthew will be off into the world and I will need to find my own life or be like that poor pathetic woman on that horrid Orange County show visiting my son at his college party to “surprise him”…) I think people fail to think through their decisions and then wonder why they ended up in a certain place. That does back Covey’s Circle of Concern. People want to place blame out there and not one themselves.

And finally I have talked to enough moms who left the work place and went back almost immediately. There is one in particular – she reassured me. She said she took time off when her kids were young and she was miserable. She said it was great idea in theory until she was home and she was bored and she had no money to go out and enjoy things with the kids because they were to strapped to do anything that was not free – the library and park got old fairly quickly. She said she loves working and it makes her a better mother to be working. That is how I feel. I am no less dedicated to my son and I make the very best of the time I have with Matthew. He is well behaved, intelligent, hysterical as all get out and we are really happy as a family.

Do what is right for you and remember that even with two you can do it! You are my litmus test by the way! We are planning to try to get pregnant next year. We have waited a bit longer (Matthew will be almost three by the time we plan to GET pregnant) but I am like you – I fear the what have I done thing! SORRY THIS IS SO LONG!!!

PS I have fairly strong opinions that probably won’t jive with most people, sorry about that!

Treading Water…..that is my daily life. I understand that feeling with every fiber of my being.

Also, I do stay at home and I worry that I’m not as good a parent as those who are more involved in the world. I think you always wonder about your parenting abilities no matter WHAT you do.

I think you have the ideal situation–working AWAY from home part time. That is awesome. It sucks if your job is not rewarding enough to keep that momentum going for you. I also have been there. Nothing is easy. No choice is perfect, unfortunately! You are doing a GREAT job as far as I can cyber-tell!

I’m going to be 60 this month so I think I have some perspective on this issue. My only daughter was only 2 months old when her father left us – no support – no family to help. Of course I had to return to work and put my baby in day care.

My daughter turned out fine – she is more than fine – she is incredible; happily married, professional, accomplished – perfect. BUT….I do regret not being able to spend more time with her. After 8 hours of work and commuting – I was exhausted. I have so few memories of her childhood – it’s just a blurr.

I didn’t have a choice – you do – and that’s what its all about – choice. But there were 2 people involved in this decision – mine and my daughters – and she didn’t get a vote. I’m sure there were times when she was scared or hurt and looked around for me and I wasn’t there…that’s what still haunts me to this day.

You and JB are so fortunate – you are a team – maybe the lesson here is to choose your mate carefully. Thanks for letting me vent.

I love this entry. I am in the same boat as you much of the time. I work outside the home and have two two-year-old boys that are under their grammy’s care during the day. I have struggled with feeling guilty about working, but honestly – I like having something outside of parenting and being a wife. I like going to a job where I feel like I matter in ways other than at home. It is not that I feel useless at home – raising kids is a HUGE responsibility but I don’t wnat that to be the only thing that defines me. It doesn’t feel right to me – not that it isn’t right for everyone. And honestly? I am not that good at entertaining those little monkeys all day long. I love it on the weekends and holidays – I love our time together – but god I love having something else that makes me feel … well, different. But man, the GUILT in admitting that is HUGE.

Amen girl! I have an almost two year old just like you (though no baby on the way….yet) and work outside the home full time. And I wouldn’t have it any other way, really. Granted, I like my job and have a relatively flexible schedule and family-friendly supervisors and co-workers, but at the end of the day I don’t think I could cut it as a full-time mom. Sure I could DO it, but I would be miserable and I’d probably drag my little monkey down with me. Having a second child does make me a bit nervous as a working mom (my gawwd, daycare will suck me dry!), but I don’t think I would stay home even IF our family could do it financially. Personally, I need the creative outlet work gives me but as others have said, admitting that I wouldn’t want to be a full-time mom gives me a bad case of G-U-I-L-T.

I think you are very brave to recognize all of this. I became a SAHM inadvertently and have been one for 3 years now. I have also gone though a deep bought of depression and a lot of therapy. I now have the opportunity to go back to work and I am ecstatic. I always thought and was told by others that being a SAHM is the best thing. But I beg to differ “If the Momma isn’t happy, nobody’s happy.” I was so unhappy being at home all day long doing the mundane things like diaper changes, laundry, dishes, and no adult conversation that it ended up being an unhealthy environment for my son. So more power to you for realizing that you need to first make yourself fulfilled and everything else will fall into place.

My fave quote:
Be what you are. This is the first step toward becoming better than you are. Julius Charles Hare

I worked with baby #1, was laid off 3 months before baby #2 was born so we chose for me to become a SAHM. Now, with 3, there are days I am jealous that hubby gets to leave the house each morning.
Having done both, it is about being true to YOU. I would never have left my cozy job in my high tech world known company to become a SAHM (the money was too good to walk away from!) but even then I knew I would be happy staying home if I got axed. My granma told me it was a higher power giving me a kick in the pants and to watch out what I wish for. *grin* I have to say my vision of a SAHM was very different from the reality. And I fight an internal battle that my work is not “worthy” or “enough”- lucky for me, Hubby knows it is and can tell me so.

It’s all about being happy in your own skin and showing your kiddos it is fine to be who they are, too.

Dr. Laura started the stay-at-home guilt trip a decade or so ago and look at how her son turned out.

At the end of the day, I truly think that most of us are doing the best we can and that, in itself, is the gift we give to our children. I found myself moping last week because my littlest one had a birthday and I started thinking about what I will do when “mothering” is not my chief title anymore. Decision making and choice taking are the two hardest hurdles in life. But all decisions and choices that are made with the best of intentions are the right ones. At least in my point of view.

I feel the same way and I couldn’t have put it better myself. Thanks for sharing your story.

Dude, chiming in late to say for the record that I stay at home full time by choice and I am totally not a very good mother. My husband totally has to come home to bathe the kids and clean the house. I am just a lucky lazy person.

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