September 6, 2007

JB and I used to sleep with both the cat and the dog piled on the bed with us, a situation that sounds about as attractive to me now as inviting several Himalayan yaks to snuggle under the covers. It’s not that I love their pea-headed, useless selves any less, but I’ve come to prefer the sensation of a fur-free mouth, and the absence of someone repeatedly licking their reproductive parts within five inches of my head. (JB only wishes he could do this.)

Cat is hardly ever in the house at night these days, choosing instead to hunt small defenseless animals during the summer evenings. Our vacation threw her out of sorts, though, because while she is in fact comprised primarily of Evil and Healthy Weight Cat Food For Adult Cats, there is a tiny portion of her diabolical catbrain that actually cares about us. Or at least cares about the possibility of being present during the event of our untimely housebound demise, so she can fulfill her feline destiny by feverishly gnawing the tips of our stiffening-with-rigor-mortis noses.

She was unusually clingy on Tuesday night, so despite my misgivings we allowed her on the bed with us. Just like old times, except despite Dog’s liquid gaze I did not go so far as to make it a four-mammal party.

After one night of this, I can’t imagine why anyone sleeps with their pets. I kept waking up and readjusting the comforter, because there was always a dead, purring weight preventing me from covering myself. She did the grippy-claw thing over and over, kneading our sheets with an annoying little rip rip rip sound. She slithered around our heads and stuck her butt in our faces, she padding over our prone forms looking for the warmest spot, she tried to sleep directly on our mouths, prompting JB to announce at midnight that “Jesus fuck, the cat is trying to steal my breath!”.

I felt like I had been slowly and ineptly molested all night by a shedding, purring blob of Purina Breath. Most unpleasant. Not only that, but right on schedule, in the wee hours of the morning when all was still and the human occupants—especially the pregnant ones—should have been blessed with silent, restful slumber, she hitched a leg northward and started vigorously slurping at her, you know, chocolate starfish turd cutter mahogany knot Rusty Sheriff’s Badge anal region.

No more of that, then. Last night we put her out as usual, but as you might expect from such an instrument of Evil, she exacted her revenge: for the first time, she figured out that the rain barrel directly outside our bedroom window is a perfect place to sit and yowl at top volume. At 5-goddamned-AM.

In other news, I’ve been feeling weirdly unsettled recently and I think I’ve figured out why: my house is a disaster. I don’t just mean the general filth and chaos caused by the now-seemingly-paused remodel work, I mean there is clutter and disorganization in every single room, on every surface. Clothes half-unpacked from the trip, mail strewn across the table, toys everywhere, books and magazines and old newspapers and laundry and grocery dry goods that don’t fit on our makeshift pantry and etc, etc, etc. Have you noticed that when your home surroundings are particularly unkempt, it dumps a sort of psychic detritus in your brain that follows you around all day? I feel like I have a mental Pigpen cloud hanging over my head, this sensation of unfinished business that’s lurking somewhere just out of sight. Know what I mean? Damn it, am I ALONE HERE?

Oddly, parts of my house are sparkling clean, as the cleaning people just did their business on Monday. When we started the remodel work JB put forth the opinion that we should pause the cleaning service during the, ha ha, short amount of time that the house would be torn up, and boy howdy am I glad I didn’t listen to him. My kitchen may be AWOL, but by god my toilets are ring-free.

Every time the cleaning people come, there is some strange, yet welcome touch they leave behind. Sometimes they arrange Riley’s stuffed animals in a tidy, alert-and-staring sort of manner on his shelves. Sometimes they fold the toilet paper into a crisp little point. This time, someone took the time and effort to squeeze all the toothpaste in my nearly-empty tube down towards the cap, a useful maneuver I never bother with, preferring instead to crush the holy hell out of the thing until it’s a crumpled aluminum ball.

It is sadly comforting that in the midst of a messy, deranged-looking house, my toothpaste tube is a model of efficiency and harmony. Aquafresh: teeth whitener, zen koan.

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telegirl
telegirl
16 years ago

We still let our dogs sleep with us, but the only reason it works is because they each take a corner at our feet and we have a king-sized bed. I swear, even if you don’t have pets, the key to a happy marriage is a king-sized bed. :o)

Eric's Mommy
Eric's Mommy
16 years ago

Hey at least the cleaning people don’t leave tubes of lube in your bathroom!

We used to also sleep with our dog, we have 2, one of them weighs 180 pounds but he stays outside and has a crate in the basement.
I don’t know how or why we used to do it but the other one always slept with us before we had Eric, and for some reason we’d always wake up to the dog ass in the face or the genital slurping.
He also has this weird thing where he has to rub his face and bash his head all around the sides of our bed before he jumps up on it.

el-e-e
16 years ago

Oh, you are NOT alone. I’m not even the neat-freak in my family, but it gets to me when everything’s in disarray for too long. That’s why I make my bed, even though I HATE making the bed. It’s a tiny oasis of order. (LOL at the cat description. Rusty Sherriff’s Badge?! Where…? Never mind, I don’t think I need to know.)

Magpie
16 years ago

My cat is getting to an age where she can’t get up on the bed as easily as she used to. So she jumps 5/6 of the way, sinks her claws into my (delicate! high thread count!) sheets, and flails away until she gains purchase. Sob.

hello insomnia
16 years ago

I am saying “Rusty Sheriff’s Badge” from here on out. That is final.

Lindsay
Lindsay
16 years ago

Delurking because hey, who doesn’t like horror pet stories? My (uh, 21 pound) cat enjoys sleeping on the bed so that the instant she hears the breathing of happily sleeping humans, she can rearrange our nightstands to her liking. Also, she is gross, what with the weight of a small toddler going for her.

The house thing is SO TRUE. I HATE it when my house is messy, which it frequently is, because my finace is an engineer/packrat. Anything electronic that he has owned since 1997 is somewhere in our not-so-big condo.

vague
16 years ago

Agreed on the importance “Rusty Sheriff’s Badge” is going to assume in my vocabulary.

My cat has been making me absolutely insane lately with her nighttime antics. The worst of all is when she rubs her furry flanks on my face and settles down with her butt planted firmly in front of my nose. I swear, the other morning, as I was repeatedly hitting the snooze button, I threw her off the bed no fewer than eight times. GOD. I wish she was an outdoor cat.

Jem
Jem
16 years ago

I spent my whole childhood not allowed to sleep wtih my pets, as supposedly I was allergic to them. Once I had an allergy test and determined I’m not allergic to pets, only dust, grass and pollen, I finally started letting them sleep on my bed. All I ever wanted was a small cat curled up on the end of my bed, and nights last night, one of my cats slept there. Its lovely. Annoying, but lovely and comforting.

Operation Pink Herring
16 years ago

Although it makes me feel like a cruel, blackhearted bitch, I have resorted to locking my cats out of the bedroom every night so that I can get some damn sleep. The one who likes to scream at the pigeons outside our bedroom window at 4am, the one who sealed their locked-out fate, responds to this by THROWING HIS BODY AGAINST THE BEDROOM DOOR. And when that doesn’t work, he gets his toy mouse, the one with the bell on it, and throws that against the door. I wish I were making this up.

House clutter makes me nervous, too.

Sadie
Sadie
16 years ago

*shoulder-shaking silent sniggering at my desk at the pitch-perfect description of sleeping with a cat, down to the “rip rip rip” of kneading claws*

Also, “jesus fuck, the cat is trying to steal my breath!” is just classic.

Once in a great while I allow my dog to get on the bed with me, but every time I do, I regret it and vow to be steadfast against his imploring snout at the edge of the mattress. Somehow, I end up failing every few weeks and I wake up in a soup of black fur and hot breath.

Leslie
Leslie
16 years ago

Luckily cats assume a position and stay there, but good grief, the heat those little furnaces give off. There’s no snuggling ’til late November, okay?

Leah
16 years ago

My cat is always super clingy when I come back from a trip. It’s the moist nose nuzzle in the earhole that always gets her tossed out of the room.

Allison
16 years ago

ok, I seriously guffawed OUT LOUD at JB’s quote, lol! Our cats sleep with us as well, one night my husband was half asleep and accused the cat of trying to kiss him… still makes me laugh when I think about it.

also, I am with you on the clutter = mental unrest. I have been in some state of mental unrest since my kids were born. My hubby gets a kick out of it when the house is immaculate and the kids are in bed… and I just sit in the living room and smile and keep saying “man! I love a clean house!”

Alyson
Alyson
16 years ago

Hubby and I sleep in a king size bed with 90# and 65# black labs. Son #2 shares his twin bed with a 75# black lab who sleeps with her head on his pillow! Honestly, don’t mind the dogs, too much, except when the big boy decides he needs to sleep BETWEEN us! The other morning, we woke to discover that Big Boy was sleeping on 2/3 of the bed and hubby and I were sharing the final third! That’s where I draw the line!

josh
josh
16 years ago

I have a cluster fuck of a pet situation at my house. I’ve got a snake who is awesome and never ever bothers me. Ever. But I also have a demonic she bitch of a “cat” that I did not ask for or want but instead was given as a suprise gift by the people they say are my brother and sister in law. Occasionally she does something cool like a back flip when she’s chasing flies. Normally however she is anti social, not just to the peoples, but to the other pets as well.

My room mates have a big ass golden retriever who is loving, kind, loyal, and incredibly stupid. Too stupid to figure out he’s going to get face mauled by Venus (my cat) when he sticks his nose in her business. They also have a mother and son set of cats. P-nut, and Blondie. Now all three of the other animals love my room because it has strange smells and they aren’t supposed to go in. Plus it used to be where they all slept. So have to shut the door at night to keep all four of the animals from face sitting and other mildly pornographic night activities on my body. But my furry curse still doesn’t get along with any of the others, so she can’t stay out at night.

Long story short I chose to deal with a cat sleeping on my bed rather than four unwelcomed guests and frequent death howls as they all settle their problems through talking. (talking = fighting to the death) And when she pisses me off too bad I foot nudge her off the bed. A foot nudge is similar to a roundhouse kick but more socially acceptable.

josh
josh
16 years ago

BTW, I can’t see clutter because I’m a bachelor. I know where the fridge and TV are, I’ll just dig for the rest.

Jenn
16 years ago

My poor cat is 20yrs old and doesn’t do much of anything anymore, he doesn’t even clean himself anymore. Kinda pathetic poor thing. But, I just got a 9week old lab puppy and sometimes, I swear…she is the demon spawn.

Neither of them sleep with us at this point but we used to have a 65lb lab who slept with us and it was difficult in a full size bed with my husband’s womanly number of pillows he must have to sleep.

Oh, and JB’s quote was hilarious. I read that and Rusty Sheriff’s Badge out loud to hubby.

cynthea
cynthea
16 years ago

The phrase “slowly and ineptly molested” is HILARIOUS. Wrong, but hilarious.

Emily
16 years ago

Really JB can’t go saying things like “Jesus fuck…” so you can then write about it because I’m supposed to be working here! Sitting at your desk in a SMALL office (total of 4 people) and laughing out loud at your computer makes you seem more insane than you actually are. That and I’m currently nearing the tipping point of insane over the clutter/chaos/calamity filling my new house. It is enough to drive me where ever it is people get driven. Try repeating to yourself “It will get better. It will get better.” As you rock slowly back and forth curled up in the fetal position. Seems to help me.

Sundry, I’ve been loving your blog and finally decided to stop lurking and post a comment. Thanks SO much for putting your life here for me to read/laugh/cry along with you. You are amazing.

Amy M.
Amy M.
16 years ago

Rusty Sheriff’s Badge is hilarious! I thoroughly enjoyed your description of sleeping with pets. My 90# lab is my 1st pet (unless you count a goldfish) & I wanted to let him sleep with us, but my hubby said no. Now I’m glad. The dog snores. Loudly.

And I’m a little OCD about my toothpaste tube squeezing, so I have zen toothpaste as well. Is it even possible to have a tidy house and a toddler?

GoingLoopy
16 years ago

I am going to be different, and go with “turd cutter” as my new favorite.

And I’ve tried sleeping without the pets on the bed. Unfortunately, I live in a studio apartment where (a) there are really no doors, except on the bathroom and (b) that one doesn’t really shut all the way. Therefore, the cats sleep where the hell they want. One has her own pillow. One uses me as a pillow. The other either sleeps under the chair or sleeps on my feet. At the boyfriend’s house, his cat, a former non-bed sleeper (he has a little kitty house/bed thing, but generally slept on the boyfriend’s discarded pants) has now decided to be a bed-sleeper upon occasion. He still likes the pants better, though. Honestly, I miss it when there’s no kitty sleeping with me….when I go visit cat free friends and relatives, it’s weird.

honeybecke
honeybecke
16 years ago

“chocolate starfish turd cutter mahogany knot Rusty Sheriff’s Badge anal region”

Oh my god! Allow me to take a moment out of my sputtering to stand up really tall and give you a hearty applause.

Linda,I love you, I really do. I love you. I LOVE YOU! There, I said it. (Superbad ending-style)

Marie Green
16 years ago

You are not alone. Which is why I cannot lower our housekeeping standards any lower: my sanity.

chris
16 years ago

No sleeping with animals for me. No kids in the bed either. I’m too selfish with my sleepy time.

Kudos for your cleaners for the special touches. I had a short stent as a cleaning person back in life #1 and I would do that sort of thing for my folks. Oddly enough, it was one of the more satisfying jobs I’ve ever had…because it made people happy :-)

Pickles & Dimes
16 years ago

One of our cats likes to wake us by LICKING OUR ARMPITS.

And JB’s response to the cat stealing his breath made me laugh so hard.

Em
Em
16 years ago

Some cats are better bed companions than others. My cat just sleeps beside me, and doesn’t get up until I do.

Rae
Rae
16 years ago

You aren’t alone, nor crazy. When I’m in that particular high-stress OMFG I get to come home & file a report before sleeping for not nearly long enough period of a show, usually the first thing that snaps after I wake from sleeping like the dead on the Saturday following opening is the impulse of ‘must clean so I can have a coherent thought’ Which means that usually opening weekend my house sparkles and my husband can be found hiding anywhere but home.

As far as the pets in bed, I offer two short tales: I have one of those nifty pillows with the depression for your head for when you are laying on your back. Usually in the middle of the night I roll onto my side and this is the cue for the cats to fight over who can sleep closest to my head and put their butt in the hole. They love it and after about a week of arguing with them about it, I gave up. The other tale is from my brother’s home, where he & his wife share a bed with a 90# dog and a 45# dog. Originally, the shared bed was a full size bed. During which time, my brother had a severely broken leg and the dogs were still insistent on sleeping with him. I’m told it wasn’t pretty.

superblondgirl
16 years ago

I feel you 100% on the cluttered house, cluttered mind thing (is that a self-help title? Because it should be.) Right now my house is semi-neat for once, and I’m feeling sort of Zen about life, despite shit otherwise being a little bit totally awful at the moment.

And chocolate starfish? I’m so glad I wasn’t sipping anything when I read that or I’d have to be scrubbing the monitor right now. So good.

gr8lakes
gr8lakes
16 years ago

LMAO…….mahagony knot? HAHAHAHAHA

Susan
Susan
16 years ago

When reading, watching TV, movies, etc., I often chuckle softly or even just inside my own head, but rarely do I actually laugh out loud. Not only did this entry make me absolutely guffaw (the second entry of yours to do this, by the way), but all the comments have me giggling like a fool as well…everyone has so perfectly nailed the pet co-sleeping experience. Hee! Still giggling.

Dana
Dana
16 years ago

I can’t even write a proper comment because I can’t stop laughing and crying. Mahagony knot is my favorite. I don’t even GET Rusty Sheriff’s Badge, but it’s the funniest thing I’ve ever heard!

Swistle
16 years ago

Paul calls cats on the bed “cat staples.”

Listen, I still love you best, but I also have a little crush on JB. It’s his swearing, I think. (That and the unexpected fence-leaping.) I still remember (though not verbatim) him saying something about will you fucking look at those fucking pumpkins.

Definitely I know what you mean about clutter bringing down the happiness level. It’s just like on Sims.

Daily Tragedies
16 years ago

Oh yes, when I start feeling a wee bit stressed (read: somewhere in the vicinity of “I will kill the next person who breathes near me”) I take a look around and realize, I need to start cleaning the house. Just one clear surface goes a long way.

H
H
16 years ago

I’m with you on the house clutter. It makes me so crabby.

Laura
16 years ago

My old cat used to sleep on my right arm. She would pace around the bed until I finally moved so that she could flop on top of it.
Luckily my current cat likes to sleep at the foot of the bed. He makes a little pillow out of my leg, awwww. That is, when I’m at home and not far away at school. *sniff* I miss my cat.

Jennifer
16 years ago

Hear ya, feel ya on both the clutter and the bed sharing. Fortunately for me, my senior kitty cat is slowing down and makes a wonderful sleep companion (I work overnights so it’s just me and the cat). On occasion she’ll get a bug up her ass and decide NOW is the perfect time to slurp away at her lady bits, swish her tail in my face or (most recently) NIP AT VARIOUS PARTS OF MY BODY WITH HER TINY FRONT TEETH. Should I pass away into the night (erm, day) I’m fucked because she’s totally going to start gnawing on my face.

Clutter and Mess and Filth are huge pet peeves of mine and has become a huge bone of contention in our household as I have discovered the Walrus grew up in a Nasty House and is thus a Nasty Adult. I usually give the house a thorough cleaning on the weekend, but less than 24 hours later a layer of filth has settled that includes but is not limited to: underwear, pet hair tumbleweeds, socks, sports pages, ipods and empty gatorade bottles. SHOOT ME.

We are absolutely going to have to look into a housekeeper or I am going to wind up on the news.

Jenn
Jenn
16 years ago

Oh, do I know what you mean about the house clutter. My rommate and I just moved into a new apt and with the boxes everywhere and not being able to find anything, the “Pig-Pen” feeling follows me EVERYWHERE. You are not alone with that and fortunately, I’ve discovered, neither am I. Hopefully this weekend the unpacking will go full speed.

Also just to weigh in on the pet thing–I have a 45# German Shepherd mix who not only sleeps on the bed but has her own pillow and sometimes likes to sleep all the way under the down comforter near my feet. She also knows how to eat from a fork but that’s a story for another time. I know we’re ridiculous but I don’t much care. Growing up my mother was allergic to pets so I was waiting, waiting, waiting for the time I could live with a dog.

ferd
ferd
16 years ago

Wonderful hilarious post. Thank you!

blacksheeped
16 years ago

We don’t let our huge dog sleep with us (he’s got pointy elbows and is a kicker) but I’ve always allowed my cats on the bed. We currently have two, and one? He’s so nice. He lays down by my side, right under my arm, and purrs blissfully and sleeps deeply and stays in that position all night. No licking, no wandering, no face-invasion, nothing except purring and a corpse-like immobility. The other cat, however, thinks the best place to sleep is behind the knees or on your legs (which is soooo uncomfortable), and the second you try to shift her dead weight she will hiss and growl and sometimes bite your legs THROUGH the covers. No matter how many times I risk my life to kick free of her dead weight, she growlingly returns to the same spot. I’m pretty sure she’s gonna slit my throat one of these nights, just so she can sleep on my legs without interruption. She also thinks it’s acceptable to wake us up in the morning by trotting back and forth across our heads.

Thanks for the laugh this morning.

Graciemay
Graciemay
16 years ago

We sleep with a 140# Weimaraner which is sometimes annoying when he puts his feet in my face but otherwise is great. He is the sweetest dog in the whole world. We have 2 more Weimaraners but they sleep in their dog beds. The cats, however, are another story…..we have 7. Any number of them sleep in the bed with us too if they can find a space. The dog actually has his own cat. This stupid cat rubs all over the dog’s face and does that kneading thing on his chest while in the bed with us. We eventually have to kick her off the bed because she just won’t stop. The dog does kinda like it though.

This morning just as I was waking up my favorite cat come to see me in the bed. And I obliged with hugs and kisses untill he slobbered on me. What is up with that anyway?

Kaire
16 years ago

We have 2-20 lb. cats and their FAVORITE place to sleep is between my boyfriend’s legs. They will take advantage of any amount of space between his legs and worm their way in, then slowly expand themselves until M is spread eagle. Usually it’s just one cat at a time, but there has been many fur flying fights to see who gets the honor of being closest to his stink star.

My boyfriend farts sooooooo bad that it’s a wonder the cats still have fur, but it doesn’t even phase them. Must be some kind of kitty treat to have that warm blast of anal air wafting over them. The noise doesn’t even bother them any more, except for the one time it sounded like a machine gun going off. That did cause Mouser to hide under the bed. (We told him it was friendly fire and all was okay…)

The general process with Mouser is that he jumps on the bed, using M to spring over on to me, walks up my leg, then stands on my chest until I start petting him. Then he curls up, shoves his tail as close to my nose as possible, and eventually pulls my hand under his chest, and gently gives me a claw warning that my hand is to stay directly where it is. My other arm is usually trapped under the blankets/extra pillow, etc. so he traps me and then torments me with his tail. When he’s tired of me, it’s off to the fart furnace.

Jessie
16 years ago

The cat we had during my childhood loved to sleep with me. She also loved to chew on the metal bars of my headboard and (my personal (un)favorite) jump up onto my window sill and then from there jump down onto my head. Also if I wore hairspray that day she’d chew on my hair. Needless to say I finally found a way to keep her out of my room and I was much happier.

Nikki
Nikki
16 years ago

Argh…I feel you on the cluttered house= cluttered mind thing…. and I WORK FROM HOME…. the other day my husband came home to a crying child and an evil-eyed wife, and made much of it better by picking up the damned living room. Sigh. Toddler tornado– what can you do about it? The toys keep her busy so I can work, but the toys all over the floor are veeery distracting!

Jennifer
16 years ago

HMOG…I think I cracked a rib at Kaire’s story – so funny!

My cat would do ther exact same thing to my father when I lived with my parents and wasn’t remotely phased by the toxic fumes – she probably enjoyed it. Sigh.

Melissa
Melissa
16 years ago

I feel the same way about my house being a complete mess. Especially when you have no control over the situation. We recently moved into a new place and the boxes and the people coming in and out to do various crap was depressing me. I completely understand your feelings.

Then the cleaning lady came….dear god, I almost kissed her. She organized the toys, cleaned out the recycling bin, made my bathroom look like a hotel bathroom with beautifully organized towels, etc. Worth every penny.

Holly
Holly
16 years ago

I let my dog sleep with me (and my boyfriend if he’s here or I’m there), but she only weighs 5 pounds and barely takes up any room at all. The worst she’ll do is wake me up because she needs to go outside, but that happens pretty rarely these days.

I find that I have a really hard time sleeping when she’s not there because I’ve grown so used to having here right beside me. She normally starts off sleeping right next to my pillow and then sometime in the night, moves down to the foot of the bed.

If I had a bigger dog, I don’t think I’d let him/her sleep with me. But then…I never really planned to let this one sleep in my bed either, so who knows?

trackback

[…] “Unwelcome companions” by All & Sundry. A hilarious post (as usual) where she complains about sleeping with pets.  Seeing as how I’m pregnant now myself, I can understand a heightened desire to have my bed to myself so I definitely related with her here! […]

Christina
16 years ago

Post 47… ugh! We sleep with our dogs and I want to flee from our bed more and more (oh wait I do because my son has been keeping us all night long because is afraid of EVERYTHING these days – oh just wait for 2-1/2 the fun times continue…) I have been threatening to throw them out for almost 3 years (corresponding directly to pregnancy/child rearing.) The little white dog thinks this is a RIGHT and the black dog just doesn’t know what else to do. Something needs to change, by God! I say KING sized bed but I am sure I will just continue to suffer through this forEVER…

As for house cleaning, we have been discussing this for months. I did all the research and found two great choices but then I became freaked out by some stranger coming to my home to clean it (and steal my valuable fake jewels…) Did you ever have that odd fear? SO I live with nasty ring filled toilets that smell. I am miserable about it but still freaked out…

Erica
16 years ago

*Snort!* You’ve described sleeping with my cat, perfectly. Especially the “butt in the face” business. WTF is that about? Have I ever acted interested in your ass, cat? What makes you think I care about it at 11:00 at night?

Jennifer
Jennifer
16 years ago

Aww, I could just visualize “Dog’s liquid gaze.” And I do so love sleeping with my 2 cats, but they’re only 5 lbs each, and they like to sleep right on my butt, which is sort of like an overnight butt-shrinking weight-loss program.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/22156416@N00/389912215/