October 10, 2007

I use Photoshop several times a week but I only know how to do maybe ten specific functions. I operate my camera nearly every day but I almost always leave it on “Auto”, so all I really do is aim and push a button. I watch a lot of movies but I don’t typically know anything about the directors, I don’t have any profound thoughts regarding cinematography or narrative arch, I’m mostly just passively entertained (or not). I like food but I can’t identify specific ingredients unless they are unmistakably present. I listen to music every day but I often don’t know who the band members are or how their music has progressed from past albums or what unusual instruments they might be playing. I wear clothes, but I don’t know shit about fashion. I enjoy the outdoors, but what I know about botany/geology/biology could be rolled into a ball and rammed up a flea’s ass. I write a lot, but I have a tenuous-at-best grasp of basic English language rules with regards to grammar, punctuation, and sentence structure (perhaps this one is obvious).

I’ve been a parent for over two years, but the vast majority of the time I feel like I’m trying to take care of some sort of insanely complicated piece of unpredictable machinery with no user manual in sight. In other words, I definitely don’t know what the fuck I’m doing there.

I’m not an expert on anything! How did I get to be 33 years old and not be an expert on anything? I mean, there are things I can do, there are even things I’m sort of good at, but there’s not one thing I can claim as being my area of expertise.

I feel like I need to address this and make it a Life Goal, to become an expert on at least one subject. Even if it’s something totally weird and useless, like being able to name every movie in the last ten years that featured zombies. Although I’d prefer it if I could think of something at least marginally relevant to the world we live in, so that I have the potential to be a handy reference. Man, I would love to be a handy reference someday. “Linda,” people would say, “can you weigh in on this? After all, you know so much about the subject which we are discussing. Your opinion would be exceedingly useful and would in fact provide a meaningful service!”

Plus, I could maybe have special business cards printed up. That would RULE.

While I’m pondering my future status as Industry Expert (Actual Industry TBD), tell me, are you an expert in anything? Tell me all about it, please.


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The other Vanda
16 years ago

I’m an expert on being me, it’s only taken 59 years to get there. I like being me a lot. Even getting older is great in my eye, can’t change it so I may as well get into it.

Been a monther for 42 years, a grandmother for 23 years and a great grandma for 1 year 2 months. Heh I love all of it.

16 years ago

Nothing, and I’m afraid that’s the way I’ll stay.

Bitter Betty
16 years ago

Sorry. I just turned 40 and I can’t do anything. Maybe I’m a professional loser.

16 years ago

i am the same way. i think i would make a great jeopardy contestant. i know a little bit about everything, but not a lot about anything.