Would you like to hear about how large I feel? Because I feel large. I feel like the song Shelly Duvall sings in Popeye, except instead of it being he who is large it is ME. Large.

I am one week away from officially being in the third trimester, and like clockwork my body has started complaining in a number of ways. The heartburn I thought I might have been spared from during this pregnancy showed up this weekend, all “Hi! What’s up? Say, you don’t mind if I just sort of hang around creating a miserable seared-flesh sensation in your upper chest, do you? Great, how does 2 AM sound?”

My lungs feel like wadded-up deflated balloons, crushed beneath the weight of what surely must be a 20-pound fetus. I find that mild activities, such as breathing, cause me to lose my breath. Combined with the ongoing sinus congestion, my inhalations have started stripping nearby pine trees of their needles as I lumber past.

Sleeping is a drag. I gruntingly arrange myself into the most comfortable position possible, with my pillow clamped between my legs like it’s George Clooney and I’m Jennifer Lopez and we’re going to re-enact that hot-ass bathtub scene in Out of Sight, and as soon as I start to drift away I realize that my burning desire for a career bank robber with a heart of gold has been trumped by an even more burning desire to empty my bladder.

I have been dreaming about boring a hole into my mattress so that I can sleep on my stomach again. I miss sleeping on my stomach more than I miss my size 6 pants, and that is SAYING SOMETHING.

Smalltopus seems to be in a much lower, weirder position than Riley was, at least as far as I can remember. With Riley I remember often feeling a foot/hand/tentacle pressing against my upper belly, with Smalltopus I am getting kicked in areas that I didn’t know it was anatomically possible to be kicked in by a person living inside your body. I keep feeling an appendage poking out from directly above my pubic bone, or way down inside my hip. Oh, and there’s the occasional sensation of having the baby press on the inside of both hipbones at the same time, then give an immediate, irritated kick afterwards—like he’s trying to stretch way out and thinking, goddamn all these fucking bones.

My boobs are so ridiculously enormous I can barely fit into most of my maternity tops. Even the ultra-stretchy ones. Also, I spend at least half an hour every day furiously scratching them after I take off my bra. You’re welcome.

Even though I’m wildly uncomfortable and desperately looking forward to the day when I can bend over without fear of toppling onto my face, there is still a part of me that really enjoys all this nonsense. Even as I’m being kicked in various sensitive internal organs (what the hell WAS that, my spleen?), the knowledge that my second child is in there doing the kicking completely blows me away. It is the craziest, most incomprehensible thing, the fact that a baby is in there, a real human baby (note: human factor not yet fully confirmed, possibilities of cephalopod physiology suspected) who is going to join the world soon. I know no other word for it but miraculous, I already can’t imagine life without him.

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robin
14 years ago

I haven’t even finished reading the first paragraph but I have to say I LOVE that you posted the link to that video. I LOVED LOVED LOVED that movie and hadn’t thought about it in ages….yay! I think I must buy it like RIGHT NOW :P

Stephanie
Stephanie
14 years ago

Pictures, woman! We need pictures of your largeness (not that your words don’t paint a lovely mental image). I don’t feel like we’re getting as many belly shots as with Riley. I feel cheated. Poor second child. Poor me.

Beth
14 years ago

Wally spends much of each day bouncing up and down on what I can only assume must be my cervix. Which sure, I suppose it is springy and provides fun fetus trampoline action, it is less than fun for me. Especially when he ricochets off my ribs.

Who thought this was a good idea again?

Eric's Mommy
14 years ago

You kill me!!
That post brings back memories. I too am a stomach sleeper and I remember after I had Eric via C-section sleeping on my stomach, and even though I was lying on a huge painful incision I was soooo comfortable!

Also I LOVED your reference to the song from Popeye, my husband and I sing that song all the time because he’s kind of Bluto-ish.

Danell
Danell
14 years ago

Ooooh…I know you’ve heard it a hundred thousand times and it’s not very original, but I am SO EXCITED for you! (except for the whole pregnancy description…which effectively AMPLIFIES my fear of a second pregnancy by, oh, about a thousand times! I HATED being pregnant the first time!)

Leah
14 years ago

I haven’t said it in a while, so here goes: I am insanely excited for you. I can’t wait to see the little dude.

Liz in Australia
Liz in Australia
14 years ago

It is utterly miraculous, isn’t it? You describe it so well…I don’t miss any of it though *g* I had my baby on the weekend and oh, the indescribable bliss of being able to lie on my tummy at last! Not to mention the fact that he’s the most gorgeous snuggly creature on the planet ;-)

LauraH
14 years ago

Well… you could go in the backyard and dig a hole big enough to fit your belly like my great-grandmother did just so she could take a nap on her tummy. I spent the last two months of my pregnancy with my son sleeping upright in a recliner because I would have suffocated if I had actually attempted to lie down. I would never have believed I could sleep sitting up until that boy. Home stretch now…you’re almost there.

Ashley
14 years ago

“who is going to join the world soon”
It really hit me when I read that, I have no idea why. Oh my fucking god Linda!

samantha Jo Campen
14 years ago

I’ve only just started feeling the baby, and can only imagine what is in store for me.

You don’t make it sound very, um. . .COMFORTABLE.

And I miss sleeping on my belly too. So. Much.

Christina
Christina
14 years ago

During my pregnancy, I had the most HORRIFFIC heartburn. Actually, it was so bad it was more like acid reflux. On more than one occasion I’d wake up with acid burning in my throat, choking and coughing – sometimes with a sore throat the next day from it. In the 3rd trimester though, there is a little wonder drug you can take called Prilosec OTC!!! Once I started taking it, I never had heartburn again. You can also take up to 150mg of Zantac (ranitidine) a day but it doesn’t work nearly as well as the Prilosec OTC.

Amanda
14 years ago

Genoa once kicked me so hard just as I was getting into bed that I thought I rolled over onto the dog. It took me a few seconds to realize the kicking was INTERNAL.

You know what the best feeling in the world is? NOT BEING PREGNANT. That’s what. On my second day home from the hospital after having my last baby, I cleaned my house from top to bottom. With GLEE. I could bend over! While breathing! It was better than crack.

Anna
14 years ago

Oh I remember the furiously itching boobs. Somedays I would be taking my bra off while I was parking the car in the garage as I couldn’t wait any longer. As for heartburn I never really suffered from it but I did have gas that could knock out the entire street

Pocklock
14 years ago

The itchy boobs are a pregnancy symptom? What the hell’s been my excuse for the last 15 years?

Katie
Katie
14 years ago

I remember wanting to be ANY thing else but pregnant. But now, I will never be pregnant again. (after 3, we are done) No one will ever think my protruding belly is cute again. So ENJOY. (as much as you can with all the uncomfortable going on.)

And have you tried Pepcid? You can take that AND tums at the same time for your heartburn.

Sadie
Sadie
14 years ago

I actually, truly laughed out loud at “goddamn all these fucking bones!” and then I thought, that IS exactly what a baby of Linda’s would say.

I have read a million accounts of “what it’s like to be pregnant” but somehow you just wrote it in a new and amazing way, so that even though I’ve never been pregnant I can actually imagine it. Aaaaaaannnnd now I am going to go take my Pill, miraculous as it may be and all.

erin
14 years ago

Okay, the itchy boobs thing? HILARIOUS. And I can totally relate.

Trina
Trina
14 years ago

I totally can’t wait to sleep on my stomach again. I have 2 more months to go. I told my very creative husband we would be millionaires if he could invent a way for pregnant women to sleep on their stomachs.

Amy
Amy
14 years ago

Awww. I don’t envy you the heartburn or feeling huge or any of the other many aches and pains that come with pregnancy… but the thought of bringing another child in the world brings tears to my hormonal eyes. Thanks for sharing the schmoop.

I just hope our family can join the multiple-kids horde soon!

Imstell
14 years ago

Awww. Somehow you made me miss my pregnant, ginormous mammaries with all their itching and clothes stretching so much that my mastectomied and reconstructed boobies just felt like they let down.

Mrs. Breedorf
14 years ago

When I was hugely pregnant with Theo I used to fantasize about going to a beach. Not because I wanted to frolic in the surf and drink (virgin) daiquiris on the beach, but because I wanted to dig a hole in the sand for my belly so I could lie on my front.

trackback

[…] Check it out! While looking through the blogosphere we stumbled on an interesting post today.Here’s a quick excerpt Would you like to hear about how large I feel? Because I feel large. I feel like the song Shelly Duvall sings in Popeye, except instead of it being he who is large it is ME. Large. I am one week away from officially being in the third trimester, and like clockwork my body has started complaining in a number of ways. The heartburn I thought I might have been spared from during this pregnancy showed up this weekend, all “Hi! What’s up? Say, you don’t mind if I just sort of hang around creating […]

Josh
Josh
14 years ago

I can’t even bring myself to read all that estrogen in type which was commented before me. But I love that you still post. Seriously, I am wicked scared of the whole pregnancy thing. Not to mention the whole kid thing. But I feel so much better knowing that I will be dealing with the same crazy lady bull shit I always have to deal with. Sort of. Sundry, how did you know you were ready to have kids? Or did you?

I’m pretty good at teaching kids to read and shit. And I can cook like a SOB! I suck at cleaning though. Am I a suckey prospect for a husband? I don’t think so. I can teach kids to draw. I can teach them science. (minus this obvious lady shit) I’m wicked good at teaching kids to build fires! Maybe I should be a boy scout guy. Except I can’t tie knot’s worth a frick. Do you think I would suck as a dad? Where do ladies draw the limit for ineptitude?

Josh
Josh
14 years ago

Seriously. I am sort of freaked out about this shit right now, what do you think makes a good husband/father?

Super Sarah
14 years ago

Hmmm, I had forgotten about the itchy boobs. Nice! Sometimes I am just so desperate and keen to get pregnant again and other times I remember how exhausting it all was and that was without a terrible toddler!

Swistle
14 years ago

This is such a good description (and bonus: HIGH-lareeus) of pregnancy, now I think you should write a pregnancy book.

Jeanette
14 years ago

After many, many years of not being pregnant (my youngest is 26) I have forgotten the uncomfortable things about being pregnant. Especially the kicking of the cervix, OW!!

superblondgirl
14 years ago

I remember that feeling so well – uncomfortable and yet so fucking amazing it blows you away. Though the amazing would be better if the damn kid would just stay off the internal organs. Seriously. No one’s bladder needs to be kicked that much. But other than that, yeah – beautiful, incredible, just awe-inspiringly cool and weird all at once. I can’t wait to “meet” your newest little person – I can’t believe it’s so close!

AidoEllaMomma
AidoEllaMomma
14 years ago

Like the other commentors have said, I can totally relate to your pregnancy woes. During my second pregnancy the heartburn and acid reflux was so bad, that I was taking prescription Prevacid and Ranitadine, and popping Tums like they were candy and I still felt like a volcano was lodged it my stomach and was spewing forth hot lava, for oh 24 hours a day!!! Sounds like fun huh??? I also had the pushing and proding syndrome with both kiddos, which resulted in what I liked to refer to as the numb rib! They both were head down for a long time and would push their heel into the same one part of my ribs. They both did it so hard and for such extended periods of time, that I spent both third trimesters walking around with a painful and numb part of my ribs and generally feeling story for myself! You’re not alone sista!!!!

k
k
14 years ago

I just came back from my OB (am a week behind you) and told her the same thing – this second baby feels much lower, and all the movement feels much lower, too – and she told me it’s because with your second your uterine muscles have been stretched so it doesn’t hold the baby as high.
Right, that makes you feel better – not only my boobs, but now my UTERUS is saggy. It may be miraculous, but it ain’t pretty

alfredsmom
14 years ago

Hey! You ended that post with “him”! I dont know how I ever missed hearing about your gender determination ultrasound, but I did and I’ve just been wondering for the past couple months. Well, I assumed it would be a boy, but still, wondering.

Danielle
Danielle
14 years ago

I had to comment and tell you.. Although I am only 22 weeks, I laughed and agreed with everything you mentioned, minus the heartburn. This is my #3 child, but sooo different than the last 2. Much lower and much more uncomfortable. The pillow between the legs, the boobs, everything!!! Thanks for summing up my feelings too…

She Likes Purple
14 years ago

I really loved this post. And I really can’t wait to know your pain.

biscuit
14 years ago

Pregnancy is definitely not glam, but when Baby busts moves (I swear she is a crumper) + my belly shakes + jiggles it’s worth all the stomach acid coming out of my pie hole in early hours of the morning.

PS: I want a pregnancy pillow that looks like Dog sans all the sheddy Lab hair. :)

Christine
Christine
14 years ago

Try to enjoy the boobs. In a year they will be sagging down to about Portland, and you will be blogging about all the research you are doing on breast lifts.

Sarah
14 years ago

Honey, you just wrote my entire 7th and 8th month of pregnancy. (I’m due in two weeks. Well, 17 days. Who’s counting?) There were times when I would feel his leg or arm or nose or something IN MY THIGH. I was getting really concerned that my uterus was migrating. There were also times I swear he was sticking his hand out of my nether regions and waving.

jonniker
14 years ago

Weird, dude. I swear I could FEEL the hip bones thing, you described it so well. For some reason, I have such a strong physical image of that, and yes, I’m totally picturing little Smalltopus all stretched out and spread-eagled, pushing your hips apart.

Heh.

Melissa
Melissa
14 years ago

LOL – You had me rolling about the scratching!! My daugher would kick me in hip spots too and it would kind of give me the willies. Funny how something so strange and uncomfortable can be so amazing and beautiful in it’s own way. Enjoy what you can – you’ll forget the not so good stuff anyway…hopefully! :)

Stacy
14 years ago

Slightly totally inappropriate I know, apologies,…. have been a long time lurker and just flipped through some of your flickr pics. I’m four weeks ahead of you, fetus-wise, that is, with my first. I’m carrying in a similar manner and have a similar build, specifically in the, um, chest region. I cannot find a decent bra that supports and does not pinch or poke or sag. Your bosom looks well held in those side pics in the white tank-top. I’d love to know what bras you find acceptable at this point in the bodily distortion project.
Thanks in advance if you have time to respond to this one ….

Christine
14 years ago

First of all, you look really fantastic.

I’m 38 weeks pregnant with #3 and I. Can’t. Wait. until November 26, which is when I will be induced. This baby (a boy!) seems to occasionally grab hold of both my hip joints simultaneously and then kick me right *below* my pubic bone (I didn’t even realize he could get down there and not be in the process of being born!).

For all it’s miracle and wonder, I truly am not a lover of being pregnant.

Good luck — in the home stretch now! (don’t you hate when people say that??)

(another) Stacy
(another) Stacy
14 years ago

Papaya contains enzymes that aid in digestion, and you can even get papaya enzyme tablets which are safe to take during pregnancy. I have friends who did so and said it worked better than tums and other medications their doctors recommended.

You can probably find the papaya enzyme tablets at health food stores, Whole Foods, etc. Locally, I’ve seen them at the Redmond PCC. In fact I might go pick some up today since I recently seem to have developed heartburn myself. And I’m not even pregnant.

Becky
Becky
14 years ago

I too am amazed at the trampoline effect the cervix has!

chelle
14 years ago

I didn’t think there was any possible way that I could love you more but, Popeye?

I have no words.

Hero worship to begin, stat.

Donna
Donna
14 years ago

For the itchy boobs: Palmers Cocoa Butter – preferably the solid kind that comes in a little round jar.

kalisah
14 years ago

when I was pregnant, I slept in a recliner chair.

k
k
14 years ago

so this doesn’t really have anything to do with this particular post. but! i was wondering what happened to your ‘what i’m wearing to work’ picture taking? i loved that! am i lame? okay, probably. but still. also, what are you planning on doing with your maternity clothes once you’re through with them? if you haven’t got plans, i call dibs! :D

Sundry
14 years ago

K: it got really hard to find a place to put the camera to keep taking those photos once we rearranged the furniture around our house! Isn’t that a lame reason? Also, I’ve been wondering what I might do with the maternity wear because while some of it is just run of the mill Goodwill-bound crap some is really nice, I’d love to offload it to someone who will actually use it. Maybe I’ll hold a contest or put it on eBay for super cheap or something.

Madame Queen
14 years ago

I love, love, love the movie Popeye and that’s one of my favorite songs. I thought I was the only one in the world!

As for the pregnancy stuff, I’m done, but I was JUST reminiscing with a pregnant friend about all the horrible/wonderful things that come along with it.

And the itchy boobs? Nobody ever warns you about THAT one!