Lately I have been ordering my groceries online from Amazon’s food delivery service, and it rules. It’s a good way for me to stop and think about what I’m going to cook for the week ahead, instead of rushing through the aisles all willy-nilly and throwing whatever catches my eye in the cart (and inevitably getting home, unloading $200 worth of bags, and finding myself immediately thinking goddammit there’s nothing to EAT). It’s also a fantastic way to buy groceries without the nerve-wracking presence of a child in the shopping cart, which is basically akin to pushing a ticking time bomb around the store that could blow at any moment, and here you are without any knowledge of whether it’s the red wire or blue one that will diffuse the situation (in other words, sometimes Sir Demando-Lot really does want that balloon, and sometimes he’s just FUCKING WITH YOU).

Amazon’s got some introductory period going on where they don’t charge sales tax, although I find that I’m shopping less frequently but buying more at one time so it’s hard to tell whether I’m saving money or not. At any rate, it sure is convenient, even though I still haven’t figured out some of the container sizes and occasionally end up mistakenly ordering a wee little one-serving cup of Fage yogurt when I wanted the Mega Fat-Ass Tub, etc.

It’s nice to offload tasks like walking around the grocery store, not so much because it’s tiring to do so but because I feel really self-conscious at the moment. Every single person I come in contact with asks when I’m due, because it’s so burstingly apparent that the answer is “ANY MINUTE NOW”, and while these are perfectly friendly queries that a normal person could probably respond to without getting all embarrassed and sweaty, I was born with a tragic medical condition known as Social Dorkitude and drawing this much attention just by waddling lumbering lurching, Quasimodo-style, while holding my back and trying not to pee my pants walking around in public is hard for me to deal with; also, I’m convinced whatever response I give to peoples’ kind overtures is phenomenally weird and stupid. As in,

“So, when’s the baby due?”

“Well, Monday. I mean, that’s not technically the actual due date but that’s when the C-section is scheduled for so I’m just saying Monday at this point because it’s easier than explaining the whole C-section thing except I guess I just did ha ha ha HAAA!”

“. . .”

Lots of people go on to ask if it’s a boy or a girl, and then if they’re particularly chatty, they ask if we have a name picked out yet. I’ll tell you, I have a hard time answering this one because yes, we DO have a name picked out, but no, I don’t want to say what it is yet, and how do you say that gracefully? I just end up fibbing, by saying that we’ve got it narrowed down but we’ll make the final decision at birth. Since that’s such an unsatisfying answer to hear, I’m thinking of embellishing it a little further: “We prefer nontraditional names, so it’s either going to be Xerxes or the pound sign; you know: #. What do you like better?”

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workout mommy
14 years ago

ready to laugh? My hubby actually had Xerxes on his list of names for our second son. I am not kidding! He also had Leonitis (sounds like a disease to me) and Zeus and some other craziness. He apparently wanted our kid to get his ass beat often.

Thankfully, I prevailed. So, if you met my hubby in the store and told him your name choice, he would be really jealous! :)

warcrygirl
14 years ago

HAHAHA! My cousin video-taped the birth of both of her kids (shudder) and her mom kept asking me if we were going to do the same. I finally shut her up by telling we had no intention of taping the birth but we had the conception on tape, did she want to see THAT?

Elizabeth
14 years ago

My default response for questions I don’t want to answer (Was the pregnancy planned?) is always “I don’t know.”
It works like a charm – people get confused and just leave you alone.
I personally prefer #, but that’s just because it reminds me of The Artist Formerly Known as Prince.

alli
14 years ago

Well, since our son is Buckminster Fuller, I have no problems with either of those names. But when it came time for # to line up alphabetically, would he be automatically first?

Pete
Pete
14 years ago

For a second there I thought you were talking about Java XML Parsers and got excited. ;-)

Nonacita
14 years ago

Xerxes, because I can see him standing on his desk in Kindergarten yelling his name proudly.
Thanks for sharing the Amazon thing; I want to check that out!

By the way, I know I’ve said it 4890 times so far, but really, all the best to you guys on Monday. I’m so excited for you!

JennyM
JennyM
14 years ago

“#” would be really easy to embroider on things…

McWriter
14 years ago

I like #, or, if it’s a particularly difficult birth, #@@*$#*#!

Or you could pick a day of the week like these people: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22326746/.

Or, you could name him Declan, because I like that name, and it would match your bellybutton “D”.

canknitian
14 years ago

Mum had fake names lined up and ready whenever people asked what she planned to name us. “Smedley if it’s a boy and Guinelope if it’s a girl.” The questions always stopped there. :)

Ashlea
Ashlea
14 years ago

Xeres all the way!

Mandy
Mandy
14 years ago

I work for the state agency that runs the Vital Statistics Unit, and we are always getting complaints that people can’t put their chosen name on birth certificates–usually something with numbers in it, like Bible verses, I kid you not. “Hey Ezekiel 5:13, get over here!” There’s a state rule that says something to the effect that names have to be in letters found in the English language, or some such. But # would be awesome!

lumpyheadsmom
14 years ago

When I get dumb questions while hugely pregnant, I imagine people are just looking for a socially acceptable way to gush “Oh! I’m so excited for you even though I’ve never met you but oh gosh, how exciting, a BABY! I remember when MY babies were born, and it was all so gosh-darn thrilling!” And you let them live their little lie because you know when they were in your shoes they were equally uncomfortable and cranky and scared shitless.

Ter
Ter
14 years ago

I never known if he was kidding, but my dad swears if one of us was a boy, we’d be Lorenzi Preston. Definitely would have broken up the T trend we’ve got going. One sister joked her son was going to be named Hank, and it evenutally stuck as a nickname. Mom told another sister (presumably joking) that she should name her eldest daughter Luka (as in “My name is Luka, I live on the second floor…”), but as it conflicted heavily with my sister’s last name, that would have been downright stupid. As a sub, I’ve run into some interestinly named students. Taking attendance is fun sometimes, especially when the class snickers when I say some poor, unsuspecting student’s name and say, “Seriously?” with a raised eyebrow.

Good to know a/b groceries via Amazon. Here’s my dilemma: the grocery store is 3 blocks away. Would it be considered lazy if I ordered through Amazon? Just curious…

g~
g~
14 years ago

Not to be Debbie Downer here, but think about having to take TWO kids to the grocery store. Yep. Sweet. That’s the life I live. A four year old and a two year old, hanging on the end of the cart, going batshit for a cookie. Good times.
Yeah.
Can’t wait to hear about “D’s” arrival.
g~

Sarah
14 years ago

Xerxes, no question. # just looks like a tic-tac-toe game waiting to happen.

Kim
Kim
14 years ago

My husband wants you to name him Brian. Guess what my husband’s name is?
However, when I tell him about #, I’m quite certain he’ll like that even better.

Tessie
14 years ago

Totally #. LB for short (long?)

Kizz
14 years ago

First of all Xerxes is an awesome opera.

Secondly may I suggest alternate replies to the inquisitive like, “My husband has a name all picked out. But he won’t tell me what it is.”

“I’m waiting for God to tell me.”

“I just assumed I should leave the naming to the adoptive parents.”

“We’re going to call him Darryl, just like his brother. It’s too much work thinking up another name.”

“You know, we haven’t, would you like to do it?”

“Actually, we’re a little strapped for cash so we got an endorsement deal to pay for expenses. I’m going to be kind of embarrassed signing all those school papers ‘Viagra’ but at least he’ll have a roof over his head.”

Just, you know, in case you wanted to completely alienate the people you see out in the world. :)

Stacy
Stacy
14 years ago

Congratulations on the upcoming birth of your second child. Those are two lucky kids, and you are a wonderful mom.

Sally
Sally
14 years ago

How very confusing – surely the # is the hash sign? What an excellent music festival-goer’s moniker that would be!

Someone Being Me
14 years ago

I dont know. I think * might be more snazzy than #. Or $ might be fun. Of course being a baby in this age, @ might be more appropriate. Althought I am partial to ? Ok I am having waaaayyy too much fun with this. Apparently we suffer the same illness except I’m not even in public.

Gertie
14 years ago

I got a giggle over the #. Growing up in America we called that the pound sign, but over here in the UK they refer to it as “hash”. How funny to tell someone you’re gonna name your kid Hash!

april
april
14 years ago

Ohhh, man, I was so excited about the Amazon Fresh, but they don’t deliver to my Seattle zipcode! I guess we’re thinking about moving to the Eastside anyway… maybe someday!

Pocklock
14 years ago

First, can I just tell you how jealous I am that Amazon delivers food to you? Can you please tell the guy that delivers the food that they really NEED to expand their business nationwide? Or, you know, Connecticut, specifically. If he requires specifics.

Second, good luck on Monday! I’ll be one of the many people stalking your site for the announcement of the amazing details!

JMC
JMC
14 years ago

How about “!” You can call him “Bang.” But I guess “#” or “Xerxes” is OK, too. Oh, wait, you could name him “Emoticon” so that he could sign his name with the symbol that represents however he’s feeling that day. ;) :( :P

She Likes Purple
14 years ago

I’m totally going to look into the Amazon grocery service. What are the delivery fees like?

Annabelle
Annabelle
14 years ago

Amen… I am so sick of the what’s the sex?/what names have you got? questions (not to mention the inapropriate personal ones) and I’m only 14 wks along. I’ve already decided not to share names with strangers… only need feedback froma few close friends. Some feedback is important, after all, I know of a couple with the last name Rhea (pronounced Ray, but likely often mispronounced as reee-ah) who named their newborn boy Connor. Say that one a few times. I’m guessing he’s going to be known by the middle name.

Christina
14 years ago

I too was very uncomfortable with the constant questioning by strangers. I really wanted to be left alone at that stage.
You have peaked my intrest in the on line grocery, I will check that out! Thanks..
also, good luck with the last few days. I hope you and Riely have some fun together.

Amy M.
Amy M.
14 years ago

Xerxes! Love it!

I’ve told people who ask if my pregnancy was planned that the damn condom broke. Maybe I’ll embellish that & add the baby’s name will be Trojan. Kizz had some great responses to the name question!

clarabella
clarabella
14 years ago

I think I’ve posted a similar comment, but I named my son Liam, and no one down here in the crooked letter state has apparently ever heard of this name. They all say “Lem” of “Lye-am” because for some reason they just don’t listen. When I was pregnant, I told strangers his name for a while when they asked; but eventually, when I could no longer bear all those “none of your business” questions, I just started answering “what?” in a totally oblivious way. It really started to scare the shit out of people when they thought they might’ve just mistaken a fat person for being pregnant.

Lara
14 years ago

Ha, that is exactly what I sound like when I try to make small talk with strangers. Sometimes I’ll still be yammering on about nonsense as the elevator doors close “ha HA ok talk to you later ha HA!” Ergh dork.

I too like * but think it might be more appropriate for a girl. How about &? When people ask the names of your kids you can say “Riley and And…” and get into a whole “and..and…what?” thing.

Allie
Allie
14 years ago

My vote is for Xerxes!

Becky
Becky
14 years ago

We always said the name was our little secret since we had let the cat out of the bag on the sex of the baby…..

angela
angela
14 years ago

I wish we had grocery delivery service in my area. I happen to enjoy grocery shopping and I spend hours doing so, but it would sure help out on the weeks where my schedule is just too crowded.

Maggie
Maggie
14 years ago

Amazon’s headquarters are in Seattle, right? And they’re moving to south lake union, right?

Get this: They don’t deliver to Lake Union, downtown Seattle, or Seattle Center. wtf?

On the other hand, they deliver to nearly all of Bellevue and all of Mercer Island.

Awesome idea. Sucky execution :-/ Enjoy for new baby!

sooboo
14 years ago

When strangers ask me questions I don’t want to answer, I act like I don’t understand English.

superblondgirl
14 years ago

Hmmm… Amazon… I am seriously thinking of outsourcing my groceries in such a fashion.

I think # is an awesome name, you should totally go for it.

M. Giant
14 years ago

Go with #, and pronounce it [punch the asker in the face]. That way the emphasis is on the “pound.”

d
d
14 years ago

definitely the pound sign.

anyone ever use peapod? it’s huge in chicago. having someone grocery shop for you is a great idea, no matter the situation. i can’t stand being asked if i’m interested in the special of the week EVERY. TIME. I. CHECK. OUT. when it’s obvious 1)i’m not, and 2)the cashier couldn’t give a shit about the special of the week.

Leah
14 years ago

Mine wants to name his boy Ulysses, so, yeah…there’s that.

I think I’m going to tell strangers, “We’re naming him Michael. The w is silent.” That oughta shut people up.

Finally, the more certain we all are that Smalltopus’s name starts with a D, the more I’m hoping it doesn’t. I’d love for you to prove us all suckers.

courtney
courtney
14 years ago

haha the # sign! We kept our newborn’s name (Emmet) a surprise too and I felt the same way that you do at the end. Especially for people I kind of know and like, like the dentist. But I just said “We’re keeping it a surprise”, to everyone. It was SO WEIRD actually telling the nurses and midwife in the delivery room. We felt as if we shouldn’t still for some reason, especially before he was actually born, but we did.

Leah
14 years ago

One more question: Didn’t you say you told Riley what the name was? Weren’t you afraid he’d spill the beans? Two-year-olds aren’t really known for their predictability, eh?

Sleepynita
14 years ago

When I was doing programming in University # was a “Bang” and * was a “Splat”. I actually think those are good names, Bang and Splat.

As far as the grocery delivery goes, we have a similar local service and it is damn handy. I go online and order my groceries and in the morning at a scheduled time they show and and are placed in my kitchen. They do a great job picking produce and I find I don’t overspend on things that are impulse items. And it is especially handy when you are busy or too sick to leave the house with a sniveling toddler.

Elizabeth
14 years ago

I liked telling people that we were just going to let the baby pick her own name when she was old enough.

Amanda
14 years ago

God I still vividly remember truthfully answering that question (when are you due?) with LAST WEEK. TEN DAYS AGO. People are so nosy!

thejunebug
14 years ago

I say name the kid Xerox.

I have names picked out, but they’re secret. OK, they’re also boring… I have an unusual name and it’s a damned nightmare. I’m not inflicting that torture on my kids.

Melissa
Melissa
14 years ago

I have to start doing the grocery delivery myself. I did it for my last pregnancy even though the store was a block and a half from my apartment at the time! Totally worth it though. And as for answering questions, I have the pleasure of being a person who blushes but during pregnancy it is magnified. So when I get those questions, I turn beet red from the slightest attention. Half the time I’m not even uncomfortable but I feel it happening, I get embarrassed and it gets worse.

ollka
14 years ago

Boy, the feeling of “there’s nothing to eat, I want my $billion back” is so familiar to me! My parents switched to shopping once a week for a week ahead a while ago, but they gradually slid into shopping every day for a week ahead, which leaves their wallets way thinner and the fridge, miraculously, just as empty.

As for the name, I vote for Hash. It sounds promising.