We ditched our craptastic Comcastic DVR in favor of a TiVo a while back and I’m sorry to report that the current TiVo system allows a person to record many, many, many shows. I would normally think of this as a beneficial feature rather than a colossal error on TiVo’s part, but apparently TiVo did not consider the effects an enormous amount of television storage space would have on the average American male, and the suffering his spouse would endure as a result.

If you were to turn on my television and browse the options available to you, you would find an astounding selection of shows that cater to the penis. They are targeted for the penis, with names like WEAPONOLOGY and SMASH LAB and DIRTY JOBS. I’m not saying some of them don’t offer appeal to both genders (Mike Rowe, after all, isn’t entirely difficult to watch, especially if you imagine him disrobing after one of his DIRTY JOBS to wash off all that dirtiness) but overall our DVR is dripping with testosterone. If a show has the term NAVY SEALS in it, we’ve recorded it. If it references MYTHS or SURVIVAL or MEGA FACTORIES or NINJAS or BIG HAIRY SWEATSACKS, we’ve recorded it.

If the Discovery Channel would just make a show about factories that manufacture giant guns that smash into each other and blow up before transforming into throwing stars whose top speed must be proven by nerdy velocity experts, JB could condense his viewing preferences to one big annoying series and I could avoid being exposed to this crap on a nightly basis. But NO. Instead, every time I turn on the TV there are more of these shows, and now JB is getting hooked by Flip This House too and OH MY GOD.

Luckily, we both agree that American Idol is some top quality programming. Well, not really — I mean, it’s total junk, the entertainment equivalent of eating a bag of Doritos (with some COCA COLA of course, perhaps consumed while driving a FORD vehicle of some kind) — but we can’t resist. Year after year we start watching the auditions in order to mock the untalented/clueless/batshit-fucking-crazy people, and then suddenly, somehow, like being pulled into a giant undertow made from Simon Cowell’s inexplicable scrub-brush hairstyle and turtlelike facial expressions, it’s too late, we’re sucked in for the entire season.

I would like to point out for the record that JB thinks this girl is going to win. Why? If you ask me, it’s because JB thinks she’s dreeeeaaamy, but he claims it’s because she’s got ‘country appeal’. Hmmm. Sadly, there’s not one cute guy contestant at this point, since they booted the young dimpled cowboy whose innocence I could easily imagine besmirching, possibly while wearing chaps. Ahem.

Why are we watching so much TV these days, you ask? Surely there are children to be attended to? Well, once 9 PM rolls around and one kid is ensconced in bed and the other is collapsed on one of our torsos, watching bad television while eating unhealthy snacks feels like pretty much the height of decadence. It’s the married-with-kids version of a rockstar lifestyle — just, you know, instead of hookers and blow, it’s Les Stroud and Breyer’s French Vanilla.

Lastly:

2265104143_b5d7de6f16.jpg

Is it just me, or have I given birth to a child whose feet are half the length of his body? This kid is going to LOVE the Discovery Channel someday.

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justmouse
15 years ago

mmmmmmm….Mike Rowe…..dirty, dirrty mike rowe….mmmmm.

Kristin C.
15 years ago

When I see your new boys feet…I immediatly think of one of those bright green tree frogs that live in the rainforest. Especially in this pictures, all tucked under like that.
He is going to be on Ripley’s Believe It Or Not…I can *feel* it!

clarabella
clarabella
15 years ago

Can I just say I love the email notification, which, why didn’t I see that little link before? I get to be at the top of the commenting food-chain–Yay!
As for TV, I watch waaaaaay too much of it, so much that I’m starting to feel guilty that my 9mo’s favorite song is the Law&Order theme song. But may I just say that you should estrogen that Tivo up! Maybe with some Baby Story’s and What Not to Wear’s, ad nauseum, filling that thing up, your lovely spouse might be more willing to compromise some viewing time.
On that note, as I was perusing online V-day cards today (I am a last minute holidayer), I saw one that basically covered this issue. It had two animated characters on a couch smiling at each other, obviously watching TV, slowly, the expression on the male’s face changed from smile to bored to pretty-much grimace. The punchline was that true love is tolerating your love’s crappy TV choices. (I would link it, but Schmallschmark says “no.” I can totally relate, since my boyfriend constantly has to sit through CSI and Lost as we eat. You might relate, it seems.
Also, that baby frog on your husband’s chest is the cutest thing I’ve seen since my own. Good grief, it’s almost painful, the cuteness.

anna
anna
15 years ago

They are definately longish feeties…

anna
anna
15 years ago

and btw, the 80’s perm-frizzo leeanne Rimes wannabe is no patch on you.

Meagan
15 years ago

I hate to break it to you, but I’m pretty sure if Discovery Channel created that show JB would just watch it… in addition to all the stuff he already watches. After all even if one’s got it all, the others are specialized.

Alex
15 years ago

Yes, feet are quite long. It’ll be interesting to see if they grow right along with the rest of him, or if they let the rest of the body catch up a bit.

He’s still nothing short of precious, no matter.

Missy k
15 years ago

Our Tivo choices seem to cater mostly to the 2-year-old set, with folks like Elmo and Thomas and Diego and Mickey and Pluto getting frequent play.

And yeah, wow, those are some big ol’ baby feet–do they fit in the little newborn socks? I remember when my son was first born and he seemed to grow from one size to the next every week.

Sarah
Sarah
15 years ago

I am totally unopposed to watching lots and lots of Mike Rowe. Purrrr (omg, I can’t believe I just wrote “purrrr”. Christ.)

And I have to say, Dylan’s feet look like a bunny rabbit’s. Maybe he’s made for hopping?

T
T
15 years ago

nothing wrong with Flip This House! but good grief it never stops, he is reading popular science in that photo!
they are long feet, but cute all the same. : )

Victoria
15 years ago

Them there’s some large feet, but he’s so cute!

mrsgryphon
mrsgryphon
15 years ago

Feet, what feet?! His little sleepy-face is just too precious, can’t look away!

andrea
15 years ago

Big feet, yes, but they only make him more precious. That picture makes me want to get my sleeping toddler and try to make him snuggle on my chest; the results would neither be cute nor cuddly, but god how I miss that feeling.

angela
15 years ago

It’s you good thing you upgraded because pretty soon you’ll have three men vying for Tivo memory real estate!

Also, LOL @ tree frog! You already have the perfect Halloween costume picked out.

Jem
Jem
15 years ago

Extremely long feet! Very cool. Wy is this keyboard missing out every sing word I roe? What the hell…argh…

Angella
15 years ago

Ah, the newborn stage.

Where you get to cuddle on the couch with schmoopsie while watching trash TV.

It is a fabulous stage.

Pete
Pete
15 years ago

Sounds like our DVR except I have added Wood Works, This Old House, The New Yankee Workshop, and Cool Tools. I watched a couple of the ‘Flip this house’ but it pissed me off the stuff the would hide instead of fix and them sell to someone. I imagine some of those people have been sued when the new owners watched the show. BTW welcome to the ‘Two kids and no life’ club. ;-)

Quiana
15 years ago

I’m so glad that I’m not the only pervert watching Dirty Jobs. Mike Rowe is pretty dreamy!

Annagrace
15 years ago

The real reason I read your blog is because no one else is effectively combining Big Hairy Sweatsacks and cute turtle-baby pics. And yes, his feet are long but everything about the newly-born is out of proportion for a while…and better long feet than gargantuan ears. In my humble opinion.

Lesley
Lesley
15 years ago

Me thinks JB might enjoy an awesome testosteronefest called The Deadliest Catch, about commercial Alaskan King Crab fishing.

Re Idol, I’m shamefully sucked into it, too. Swore I would ignore it this season, but who can resist the nutballs? I’m kinda keen on Asia’h Epperson who delivered a smokey soulful rendition of I’m Goin’ Down.

Dylan just seems to be getting cuter and cuter, giant tree-branch-wrapping-capable feet included.

Emblita
15 years ago

I do like Discovery but I swear to all that is holy if I have to see one more air-chrash investigation I will scream and never stop.
My big thing these days is Bones…. geeky goodness and well David Boreanas looking hot!
And there is gore, science and guns! Win win :)

Sara
15 years ago

No no no JB you’re sooo wrong. That other girl, she like totally messed up the first audition on hollywood week. The winner will be Brooke White, who I’d give you a link too but my browser bar is blank. She’s so humble, and really really good and she played beautiful so we’ll it’s still replaying in my mind. Plus she plays piano I mean, come on. Remember clay aiken, american’s don’t always pick the “most attractive” one.

And the kids feet…Oddly enough My Dylan, was and is the same way. Him (at almost 3) and his almost 6 year old brother, are only seperated by 1 shoe size, and I suspect very shortly for them to be wearing the same shoe size since Dylan has HUGE feet.

Lindy
15 years ago

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again- hot damn that kids got big feet.
Looks like you’re all settling in nicely to being a family of 4

Eric's Mommy
Eric's Mommy
15 years ago

Oh my, Dylan’s face is so precious in that picture!
Eric also had huge feet as a baby and still does, his feet are almost the size of mine and he’s 5!

We went from a Tivo to a DVR and the DVR holds way less then the Tivo did. Also our DVR is loaded with the same testosterone loaded stuff, AND my husband deletes my stuff!

Claire
15 years ago

My son’s birth happened in conjunction with the start of the NFL season so my husband got DirecTV and the Sunday Ticket. With this package came EVERY PREMIUM CHANNEL. So we had a million movies to choose from and we too watched an ungodly amount of TV in the four months I was on leave. And I don’t really regret it, surprisingly.

Lisa
Lisa
15 years ago

Feet – yes, rather long, but once he gets some baby pudge on those little toes they will be oh so munchable.

TV – try adding SPIKE tv (all the time!) to the mix and you’ve got my hubbies favorites.

Newborn stage – my older 2 go to bed by 8pm and then I still take the time to snuggle my 8 month old in my arms for a little while longer, just because I know this stage flies by too fast. Enjoy your time!

American Idol – how about the Australian guy? I could enjoy myself a little “down under thunder”. (Did I really just write that?)

Kim
Kim
15 years ago

I have all that, plus the History Channel to contend with as well. BUT, I do love me some Mike Rowe too, and Deadliest Catch should be coming back on pretty soon! The fact I know that scares the crap out of me!
Dylan is so amazing!
It’s scary how big Riley looks now.

JennB
15 years ago

Thanks for making me AND my husband laugh this morning… I think he and JB are kindred spirits. By the time I’ve put the kid to bed, I go downstairs, and he’s hijacked the remote and I’m subjected to yet another adventure featuring Jamie and Adam and their hot nerdy dream team.

Thursday nights belong to me, though. And he does enjoy Good Eats with Alton “Elton” Brown.

Julie
15 years ago

In addition to all the military and history channel on the military shows, my husband also Tivos Holmes on Homes (Mike Holmes is yummy), This Old House, Gardening by the Yard, and EVERY SCIENCE FICTION SHOW out there, including Torchwood, which sucks. I rather enjoy Doctor Who.

My sweet boy’s feet were huge when he was born (at 10 pounds 2 ounces, thank you very much). He’s 26 months old and wearing a size 9 1/2 x-wide shoe! My problem was actually finding socks that would stay on. The person who invents those is going to be rich.

superblondgirl
15 years ago

Total frog feet, yes. But they are adorable frog feet. He’ll grow up to be like my brother, who is barely 6 feet tall but wears a size 14 shoe. We call his feet the canoes.

Jean
Jean
15 years ago

Holy feets! Dylan’s nickname could be Thumper. hee hee…

JennyM
JennyM
15 years ago

I’m glad I’m not the only one that may, perhaps, have a teeny crush on Mike Rowe.

Sigh.

We stay pretty stuck on Discovery Channel too. Although apparently my husband, who works from home part of the week, has developed quite the admiration for Dharma & Greg reruns while no one is around. And I MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE gotten him hooked on “What Not To Wear.” I shall have my revenge.

Caitlin
15 years ago

American Idol is like my secret mistress.
Except I blog about it fairly regularly. So, really, my not-so-secret mistress.
And, speaking of which, what is up with Simon being so NICE this year? It’s almost like he has a soul or something. And if he DOES have a soul, he should definitely NOT show it on national television. I don’t want to see that.

PS – I really think Dylan looks so much like Riley! He is stinkin’ adorable, and nom nom nom on those giant-tiny, wrinkly little feet.

Matt
15 years ago

I’m not one for much TV, but the girlfriend always has me watching Dancing with the Stars, America’s Next Top Model, various MTV Reality related programs, and Degrassi, which doesn’t seem to fit in with the above at all…

Mythbusters was really cool for geeks until the show’s execs went with a marketing pitch to add the zany adventures of hot girl plus dumbasses. Now the show is good for everybody…

Jen O.
15 years ago

I LOVE the matching crinkle foreheads! So cute.

I call people with giant feet (myself included) “L’s” (because they’re shaped like the letter…ya, you got it), especially when it’s misproportioned.

JennyM
JennyM
15 years ago

And: Those feet are the cutest thing ever.

the goddess anna
the goddess anna
15 years ago

I have to admit, I’m the one in the house that watches all of those shows, and I’m fairly sure I’ve never even HAD a penis! Then again, I know I’m just different! Mike Rowe is hot, and he can sing too! Exclemation mark!

My son also has ginormous feet, and I hope the rest of his body eventually grows into them… at 2.5, I think it should have happened by now. Of course, I’m also starting to believe the ‘guys with big feet’ mythos has fact to it…

ang
ang
15 years ago

No tivo at my house, we have dvr instead. It’s consistently full of all those gross medical shows like 200 pound tumor and the baby who was born without a face. Those are MY picks. It squee’s the spouse out so badly that he won’t even SCROLL through our recordings any more.

Gaby
Gaby
15 years ago

Oh, man, Mike Rowe….mmmm. I’m with you, Linda, 90% of the show I’m imaging the post-show adventures! Yum.

Also, I’ve unfortunately got a perspective on AI this year, thanks to us going to my husband and I going to his aunt & uncle’s every week so hubs can do some electrical work for them, while I’m subjected to his aunt who does. not. stop. TALKING! She also watches AI, so I’ve been watching, in an attempt to drown out some of her non-stop monologue. I have to say that I don’t think JB’s choice is going to win–isn’t she the one who can only sing “Amazing Grace”? I mean, I love that song, and she sang it well, but I really don’t think the pop world is looking for “Amazing Grace-the remix.” I’m just saying, a little variety might help her chances. Also, damn, I hate that I have anything to contribute to this topic. *sigh*

Becky
Becky
15 years ago

Amen to Mike Rowe!

kalisah
15 years ago

OK first? That photo of Dylan looks just like those calendar pictures where the babies are ensconced inside a flower.

And second? I’m pretty sure my teenage boy is JB’s son. (Not that I know him in the Biblical sense just that they seem to be watching all the same television programs.)

That Dirty Jobs program makes me want to vomit – especially that one with those shell fish up there in your part of the country that LOOK LIKE GIANT DILDOS OMG HOW DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE ANIMALS LIKE THIS??? But the Mythbusters show has taught him so much science that they accelerated him to a sophomore class when he started high school this year so I’m trying not to complain too much about the testosterone-laced programming.

Amy M.
Amy M.
15 years ago

Your little tree frog will be the sturdiest walker! Adorable pic!

Our DVR has a great variety: Mickey Mouse, Jon & Kate + 8, Breaking Bad, Nip/Tuck & Lost. I really should start putting Idol on the DVR so I can skip the 50 gazillion ads!

g~
g~
15 years ago

I am ashamed to admit that we not only have Tivo, we have DVR as well…how’s that for sad and pathetic. What’s worse is that BOTH of them are filled with shows like the ones mentioned above AND shows like “Extreme Cagefighting”, UFC, TUFF and other various forms of MMA. But, secretely, I totally dig watching all of those super-buff guys wrestling…*sigh*. I think I may have a penis (I swore to my Mom I had found one when I was, like, three)–my favorite show is Deadliest Catch.

Christina
15 years ago

I remember those days of lounging in exhaustion on the couch to watch BAD tv with or without the baby hanging off of us and a glitter in our eyes as we noshed on copious amounts of junk food – it felt like such a luxury! AND we get to do it all over again in a few months – YEAH FOR US!

He, those feet they are long and large, I am sure he will “grow into them” but besides that I think they are pretty darn cute! – my son had the strongest legs of any baby I have ever met and I swear to you he was working out in the womb – why else would he freaking be able to walk at 9 months much to MY chagrin?

Kirsten
Kirsten
15 years ago

We are sucked in as well to Idol. Actually the Writer’s strike was a boon to all like me who could happily live on a desert island with a drip feed of reality programming. Big Brother just started too! ‘Til Death til us par’ is actually referring to me and reality shows!

On the feet–better to ski barefood, my dear.

Alyson
15 years ago

I have pics of all three of my boys sleeping on dad’s chest that way……they are my favorites.

Do you mean that JB hasn’t gotten hooked on “American Chopper,” and “Pinks” and “Millionaire Matchmaker,” too like my hubby has. I hate to say it, but Discovery Channel and TLC are a blight on society!

samantha jo campen
15 years ago

But just think: surrounded in a house with all men, you’ll need to know all that penis stuff. So really, it’s like school.

Maybe? Just trying to put a positive spin on all the Boy Shows :-)

And I do love me some Dylan feet!

K
K
15 years ago

Ugh, I’m disappointed in your husband’s taste in American Idol contestants. That girl is so BLAND. She’s like a Noxema commercial model from 1990.

Amber
15 years ago

See, Chris also thinks that she should win, based on the fact that a. she danced all sexy at the end of Wednesday’s show and b. she’s from Oregon. Oh, and also she’s hot.

I am reserving judgement.

warcrygirl
15 years ago

Mmmmm, Mike Rowe is total eye-candy. Oh my, just think: he’ll be growing into those feet one day. I’d start buying groceries now.