I keep a pair of pre-pregnancy jeans readily accessible in my closet for the purpose of trying them on every couple days and angrily shaking my fist at the sky when they still don’t fit. Don’t try and tell ME I don’t know how to party. Anyway, I pulled them on yesterday and noticed that for the first time the button actually closed fairly easily and I was all, woo! Then I exhaled, and something Extremely Unpleasant happened in my midsection, where I suddenly had this . . . fleshy innertube, and while that might prove to be a handy flotation device should I be thrown from the bow of a ship into eel-infested waters I think you might call generally call that sort of thing a Glamour Don’t.

I hate this post-partum body stage, it’s so aggravating to not be able to wear hardly any of my regular clothes and while it’s tempting to live in maternity stuff, those really don’t fit either. I was trying to get dressed to go run some errands last weekend and I tried on about forty hojillion different things, getting progressively more frustrated, until I stood in a pile of ill-fitting clothes literally stamping my foot the way Riley does, because jesus, NOTHING WORKED, and I finally draped myself in a giant sweater and a baggy pair of Levis that were about five sizes too big for me before pregnancy and went lurching out the door looking for a defenseless animal to kick.

It seems I’m short on patience for everyone these days, including children, genitalia-licking dogs, cereal-dish-leaver-outter husbands, and my own waistline. GRAH HULK SMASH.

I have been trying to work out fairly frequently, not only to deal with the innertube issue but also to help de-stress and hopefully encourage the ongoing circulation of happy brain chemicals (since my “relax with a two or three fourteen glasses of wine” days are behind me), and while finding the time to do can be a little, ha ha, challenging, it does seem to help. Maybe it’s the endorphins, maybe it’s Chalene Johnson reminding me that I can do anything, by god.

Is there something kind of pitiful about a franchise fitness instructor becoming my personal life coach?

Other things for which I am grateful: fat-free sugar-free chocolate pudding, even if it goes against all that is good and pure in this world, Mylicon drops (not actually sure yet if they make a difference or just fulfill my desire to Do Something when the baby is visibly uncomfortable and freaking out), Louis C.K. stand up comedy videos, and Lululemon yoga pants. Also, the glorious invention of the drive-through Starbucks.

:::

Three Random Conversations With a Toddler

Me (singing, as the dog comes barreling in from the backyard): “Whooo let the dog in? Who? Who? Who? Who?”
Riley: “Daddy let the dog in, Mommy.”

Riley: “Riwwy get inna airplane and fly high in the sky to the farm! Brrm brrm! Go see the moo cow and the chickens!”
Me: “Can Mommy ride in the plane with Riley?”
Riley (looking me up and down): “No, Mommy’s too BIG.”

JB: “Riley, do you want a big spoon or a little spoon?”
Riley: “BIG poon!”
JB: “A man-sized spoon?”
Riley: “Yeah, MAN POON!”
JB: “And do you want jelly on your toast?”
Riley: “Yeah, MAN JELLY!”
Me: “You know, I don’t even want to know what his daycare teachers think we’re teaching him.”
Riley: “Mommy! Mommy! I have a big poon and MAN JELLY!”

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Swistle
14 years ago

Do you eat the COOKED pudding or the INSTANT? The instant is way, way easier and less messy, but I’ve recently been finding the cooked kind even yummier.

Jas
Jas
14 years ago

A big poon and man jelly. . . I heard that in a Mr. Garrison voice. So wrong that I laughed for two minutes straight.

Emily
14 years ago

Hahaha … “big poon” made my day suck less.

Keep the faith with the belly, woman. You did it before and you’ll do it again.

mandy
14 years ago

You have GOT to be more forgiving of yourself. You JUST had this baby…give yourself some recovery time and your body will bounce back. Hey, I am over here, a year later and weigh more now than I did directly post delivery! I have been inspired by your previous posts though, every victory, ringing in the back of my mind and helping to push me to get in shape. I am trying, for the first time in a very long time and what you did (before baby) really helped me make the decision. Even if it took 10 months for me to act, I am a procrastinator…gees, get off my back!

You look beautiful, by the way.

janet
janet
14 years ago

I LOVE the airplane conversation. I can relate. I have a son who is autistic and as a younger tot was largely non-verbal. He would repeat things like TV commercials or lines from movies, but no conversation really.

One day, he walks up to me and pinches my leg two times saying “Pizza Pizza” like the Little Caesar’s pizza parlor commercials on TV. Good thing he was cute.

Janet in Miami

Marolyn
Marolyn
14 years ago

Man Jelly ~ The ray of sunshine in my otherwise dreary day, today! Thank You SO Much!

Jo
Jo
14 years ago

Big Poon & Man Jelly, just snorted on my morning coffee – thanks for the laugh! :)

Katie
Katie
14 years ago

14 months post-partum and my “inner tube” is still there. Do you still like Turbo Jam? I’m seriously thinking that’s my best bet, since diet isn’t working and the gym’s a no-go here in no-man’s-land!

Toddler-speak is the greatest source for humor! It’s hilarious how simple words get turned into pornographic fodder! Big Poon & Man Jelly, comic genius right there!

Ter
Ter
14 years ago

Oh gosh… soooooooo glad my students aren’t in the room right now. It’s bad enough they think I’m a whack job as it is, but trying to explain a big poon and man jelly? Shoot… may as well have me committed. Thanks for the unnecessarily loud and long giggle!

Shelly
14 years ago

Ok, that was FUNNY–the poon and man jelly part……wait til Riley shaves. My youngest(age 14) hurried me into the bathroom yesterday morning to see the remnants of his latest shave….all the bits of shaving cream and hair…and since this time there was actually stubble in the sink, he proclaimed that he was a MAN…….I just told the ‘man’ to make sure he cleaned up the hairy, shave-creamy mess so as not to upset the ‘man’s’ mamma…….hahahaha

Clueless But Hopeful Mama

“Man Jelly” is the gift you gave me today. Thanks.

CndyCream
14 years ago

Has anyone told you as of late how enjoyable your blog is and how funny you are! If not i’m here to tell ya! YOU ROCK!!

moo
moo
14 years ago

Out of the mouths of babes.

Hey, I *think* you might be having some pregnancy-hormone induced temper tantrums. But I don’t want to tell you that, because I think you might hate/hit me.

SO. UM. YEAH. Give it another week or so and maybe you’ll feel a little better.

SemiDesperate Housewife

Mmmm, MAN JELLY! Bet that’s even yummier than fat free pudding!

Jessica
14 years ago

Omg…the last one still has me laughing….

Anya  Paull
14 years ago

Just a little FYI, you ruined me for my lazy post-baby Homer Simpson inner tube fatness! Granted I have not lifted a finger towards working out (aside from hefting my 10 month old sumo everywhere which should be a work-out but clearly is not working as I hoped) but I may have been content to think “it’s ok, I had a baby I won’t ever be to how I was and that’s ok, I am a mom now) but then you went and did it (might I remind you it took you 3 months not overnight ;-) ruining my little island of soft mommyland.

You got there once (setting the horrible bar terribly high for folks like me) and you will get there again BUT please just don’t get there before I do (your second isn’t even in the double digit months yet!) because then I will feel even lazier!

I too have hit S.Bucks drive-thru more times in the past 10 months than I ever did all of the previous years combined…ahhh parenthood ;-)

Jennifer
14 years ago

I was going to comment yesterday but got distracted – your son’s feedings sound just like my son’s feedings at the same age. My dr. said to try Mylanta and it worked. Or it helped.

Kim
Kim
14 years ago

Oh my God, I needed that so badly today.

Kaire
Kaire
14 years ago

*snort*

the goddess anna
the goddess anna
14 years ago

I’m going to be giggling about big poons and man jelly for the rest of the day.

Awesome.

kalisah
14 years ago

“…went lurching out the door looking for a defenseless animal to kick.”

That’s how I leave for work most mornings. Only I don’t think to describe it so humorously.

xoxo you.

biscuit
biscuit
14 years ago

Man Poon + Man Jelly. . . I wish you had that on video! HILARIOUS! He is a trip just like his mommy + daddy. :)

Working out already after the c-section? I had Maggie a couple days before you had Dylan + I still worry about busting open my gut by doing simple stuff like pooping (TMI I know).

Andrea
14 years ago

Too funny! Thanks for the laugh. It makes my own inner tube jiggle a little, which is kinda embarrassing, but you’ve so thoughtfully provided a solution in the same entry, so I’ll be hopefully tuning into the Chalene Kool-Aid soon, as soon as I can get a copy of that workout. I tried it once and it was fun, but I didn’t own it, so I’ll have to rectify that.

Becky
Becky
14 years ago

OMG so I was reading this while on a conference call…unmuted….and let a big GUFAW out…luckily it was a call with like 50 people on it so I could not be identified!

I hear you on the pre-pregnancy pants…I have a pair of super cute make you ass look fantastic pants that are my motivation pants…12 weeks later…they fit!!!!

warcrygirl
14 years ago

I’m still trying to wrap my brain around you doing Turbo Jam so soon after having another c-section. Granted, the recovery from the planned c-section was WAY easier than the emergency one but still. I was barely hobbling around the block after I had The Captain and here you are doing aerobics! You are my hero.

Leah
14 years ago

Poon and jelly–that’s what happens when they discover the Internet. Ah well, better he learn it at home than at school, eh?

SJ
SJ
14 years ago

‘……big poon and MAN JELLY’

Hilarious.

sara
14 years ago

Riley is hysterical.

Hey I was looking around and found this : http://mysweetpeace.com/

I wonder if that would help Dylan…with all the weirdness of it, the low frequency sounds, the motion, the feel and smell. I know I know probably just more baby crap, but, I thought maybe you’d like to look.

Kristen
Kristen
14 years ago

Your kid is awesome. Big poon? Nothing funnier than that!
Sadly, Chalene is becoming my life coach as well. And if she says you can do anything, I guess it’s true, isn’t it?

victoria
victoria
14 years ago

“Don’t try and tell ME I don’t know how to party.” You make me laugh. (By the way, I don’t know you, and really know nothing about your life, but I wonder if you’re harshing on your body as a way of controlling at least this one thing when everything else in your life seems out of control: the baby may not behave but by god the belly will.)

Jennifer
14 years ago

“cereal-dish-leaver-outter husbands”

HMOG THIS IS MY LIFE. How hard is it to rinse out the freaking bowl and PUT IT IN THE SINK!?

I agree that you need to give yourself a break, although I KNOW that I would and will share your exact frame of mind when the time comes and worry that I will never be back to my old self.

BUT!

You are totally going to rock this! Big Poon believes in you!

Moose
14 years ago

Your last sentence made me laugh out loud. In my cubicle. They now know I’m not editing presenter biographies. The gig is up.

lisa
lisa
14 years ago

didn’t the contractor leave a tube of MAN JELLY in your bathroom once upon a time?

mixette
mixette
14 years ago

So would a peanut butter and MAN jelly sandwich be served on two extra-thick slices of hearty, robust, whole grain bread and be eaten with a poon. Restauranteurs take note.

biscuit
biscuit
14 years ago

Sara brought up an awesome baby product:

Graco’s Sweetpeace Newborn Soothing Center is the shit! I bought one last night for my 4 week old + it tames that beast like none other!

It’s on sale right now @ Target for 139 instead of the usual 169.

Ditch the old swing + get it! It’s top notch.

Stephanie
Stephanie
14 years ago

Laughing my ass off over here!

ND
ND
14 years ago

Big Poon and Man Jelly…sounds like a TV show that would have followed The Dukes of Hazzard.

Eric's Mommy
Eric's Mommy
14 years ago

Ha Ha Man Jelly!

I started Turbo Jam a few days ago. After I do it I feel like I can do anything, like Chalene says. I think she is brainwashing us, but in a good way!

anna
anna
14 years ago

I know, I have one of those cereal-dish-leaver-outter husbands and it totally pisses me off. Mine also happens to double as a wet-towel-on-the-bed-leaver which is a two for one piece of ass.
Re. the working out issue, seriously, in my experience, running is the fastest way to lose it. You ran before aye? Maybe you could do it with the pram? I go at 6am while husband is still home with our rugrat….

Jenn D
14 years ago

My three year old daughter watches me get dressed and often gives me her opinion. “Mumma, that don’t fit! Shirt tooooooo small! Mummy is GIANT!” And then I’m all, don’t toss the kid out into a snow bank, she’s got a point, and then I cry a little and rue the day I ever spread my thighs to that life ruining husband of mine.

Hey, I keep meaning to mention, have you tried Gripe water with Dylan? I don’t even know if y’all have it down there in the US of A.

Jenn D
14 years ago

Oops. Also, the book “Happiest Baby on the Block” saved my second daughters life just a few short months back. It’s all pretty common sense stuff, but put together in a book it’s a life saver.

Lesley
Lesley
14 years ago

Yeah I too am all about that chocolate fat free jello pudding these days on my 1200-1400 calorie a day diet. It lacks the genuine chocolate flavour I hanker for so I cheat and add one tablespoon of Hershey’s chocolate syrup which is very low cal.

Once I’ve dropped the weight I am going to PIG OUT ON SOMETHING DELICIOUS. But only once a week. :)

Don’t know if you use this free and handy tool, but I find it’s really helped me keep track of what I’m eating.
http://www.fitday.com

PS I love toddler commentary. It can be wickedly funny.

y
y
14 years ago

Love how often reading you makes me laugh out loud. Another good post baby workout is TaeBo PostNatal Power DVD – and it has a “get moving” chapter that is about 10 minutes or so – nice for when you don’t have much time but want to at least do something. Netflix has it. Have you tried Gripe Water yet for the baby’s belly? http://www.babysbliss.com/Default.aspx
Also, I found that the lactation specialist I worked with knew a hell of lot more about all the different formulas than my pediatrician did and she was way more helpful in determining the right one for my babies sensitive system when I needed to supplement breastfeeding.

jonniker
14 years ago

Linda, really, please, give yourself a break. A big one. You had a BABY. LIKE, NOT VERY LONG AGO. You did it once, and you will totally do it again.

MAN JELLY. HAR.

Paine
Paine
14 years ago

Riley is my hero.

MotherGooseAmy
MotherGooseAmy
14 years ago

I haven’t laughed that hard since I last read some of your poetry.

aibee
14 years ago

“Big poon and MAN JELLY!”?

HAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!

Alyson
14 years ago

Big Poon and Man Jelly – that’s either the name of an alternative rock band…..or a Porn movie!

Isn’t it good to know that even in all the “fun” of balancing toddler-hood and new baby-ness, you can laugh (and make others laugh with you!)

C
C
14 years ago

Big Poon and Man Jelly – holy hell that his freaking hilarious.

C
C
14 years ago

Big Poon and Man Jelly – holy hell that is freaking hilarious.