• The term “mompreneur”. It’s just . . . argh. Listen, you run your own business? You’re an entrepreneur. Doesn’t matter if you have kids or if your products are marketed to parents. Knock it off with the wide-eyed amazement over the notion that a mother can put aside her all-encompassing household duties long enough to make some damn money.

• The never-ending staged photos of Heidi and Spencer, who apparently are on some show? About hills? All I know is that every sickening image I see of them makes me feel very very stabby, and really, I’m not normally a stabby sort of person.

• My laptop, which probably has something wrong with its cooling fan, because it is pan-searing my thighs every time I use it for more than ten minutes.

• The idea that you’re not a “real” writer until you get published. A writer is a person who writes. Full stop. The quality of anyone’s writing is completely subjective and having a book deal doesn’t necessarily make you a better writer than the person who fills paper journals that will never be read by another soul.

• Teeth. Fuck teeth, you know? They start out by making babies miserable little screamy drool machines, and if you’re like me they end up causing you to endure about fifty different orthodontic devices including HEADGEAR when you’re a hormonally wrecked teenager. We need to evolve past this calcified bullshit and develop the teeth version of LASIK. Zap zap, here’s your new perfectly designed mouth, go ahead and knock yourself out with a Bit-O-Honey.

• Stephen King inserting himself into the last Dark Tower book. See also: M. Night Shyamalan “acting” in his own movies.

• The unbelievable state of political correctness most of us are living in, and I hope you understand I am not saying I sure do miss all the RACISM, I’m just wondering if it’s possible to talk about ANYTHING anymore without stirring up controversy. On that note, I laughed like hell at Anne Lammot’s completely non-defensive explanation of choosing to circumcise her son and her subsequent description of thinking that uncut penises looked like “a rodent disappearing up a garden hose” and then I thought that anyone who wrote that today on, say, a parenting publication, would be TARRED AND FEATHERED. Look, I’m not saying she’s right, but that’s FUNNY.

• The taste of Coca-Cola Zero. Cloying, yet vomitous!

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laughing mommy
16 years ago

Agree about the teeth.

clarabella
16 years ago

Ha, just as I started to type this reply, I got your latest tweet on my phone. I do love twitter. (Speaking of tarring and feathering, I’m hiding.)
As for the things that annoy you: I have NOT YET heard the mompreneur term. That’s ridiculous.
2) I actually watch “The Hills,” when I’m not toiling away cleaning my oven. Ha! It’s a tabloid show and therefore has tabloid “characters.” What can I say? TMZ doesn’t always do it for me.
3) My lap top is having fan issues too. My thighs empathize with yours.
4) The Love of my Life is a writer, and although he has been published, I have to agree, what makes you a writer is writing. Period. I write, and have barely been published, but I consider what is on my blog and in my documents folder to be sacrosanct. So there.
5)I have TERRIBLE teeth. Seriously, people who complain about their dentist visits cringe when I start telling my story. As for the baby teething thing (knock on wood), my son has sprouted 11 teeth without a fever or flagrant crankiness. I know, kill me now.
6) Stephen King and M. Night are hacks. Oops, sorry, did I really say that? I think I mean it. Also, did I imagine it, or was S. King absent from “The Mist,” perhaps the first time he hasn’t been in one of his movies (maybe “Stand by Me” too, it’s been along time since I’ve seen that one.) As far as M. Knight goes, I’m looking forward to “The Happening,” but “Lady in the Water” was an honest waste of my time.
7) I circumcised my son, and I’m not ashamed of it. Really. Ask me. I dare you (parentdish readers! JK!).
8) Coca-cola zero is disgusting, as is Diet Caffeine-free Coke, as is Coke Plus, etc., etc., etc. I can’t have the sugar of a REAL Coca-cola (oh, how I miss that red can), but give me a good ole’ aspartame-(gasp!)filled Diet Coke any day, and I will DRINK THE HELL OUT OF IT.
Keep on keeping on, Sundry. We share similar annoyances. Just out of curiosity, do your neighbor’s teenage sons skate board in the wee hours of the night? IN YOUR DRIVEWAY? Just wondering, because, if so, we have a lot more in common than you might think.

Angella
16 years ago

I have tried the piss that is Coke Zero. It will never replace Diet Coke.

Amen.

vague
16 years ago

Oh, the taste of Coke Zero makes me lose my mind in a murderous rage. When I used to work an office job with a stocked beverage fridge, we would regularly run out of Diet Coke and there would be nothing left but Coke Zero. It was a constant battle – to choke down the insidious poison, or (gasp!) drink plain water?

Also, re political correctness, some sanctimonious jerkburger just stopped by my blog, which she (or he?) found by googling the word “retarded,” just to chastise me for using that very word. Jesus H., what a life that person must have.

And! On the subject of writing: I absolutely agree!

Carmen
Carmen
16 years ago

Oh, Coke Zero is beyond vile. Diet Coke all the way, baby!

I haven’t heard of the mompreneur, only the parentrepreneur. Just as annoying.

And I’m totally with you on the teeth issue as well.

All Adither
16 years ago

Yeah, laptops aren’t really for laps. Sadly.

Amy
Amy
16 years ago

…at least you look like a complete rock star in your Joe’s?

(I snorted my parasite-numero-dos-approved green tea through my nose, reading that line about the garden hose. God, I miss Diet Coke and coffee.)

Lesley
Lesley
16 years ago

Just popped in to say I love your daily piffles. Hey, pine cone gym guys are another reason I work out at home!

Oh, and re “real writers”, some of the published ones can’t write worth a damn. How they land contracts is something I’d like to know.

Speaking of the notpoliticallycorrect days, I just watched an hour of bloopers from the old, classic, and still funny Carol Burnett show and realized there’s no way that she and her three hilarious co-stars could make that show today. They broke every rule in the book. No, they were never racist, but hoo boy could they make fun of white trash southerners, dangly boobs, and the elderly. I miss laughing my guts out like that… Seinfeld, where are you?

bleeding espresso
16 years ago

I am *so* with you on the teeth. Seriously, are there people we can talk to about this to get the project moving?

I actually wrote an article on mompreneurs [lowers head] but they made me do it I swear! And, btw, its publication didn’t mean I was a writer…but my elementary school journals (OK, diaries back then) and short stories sure do ;)

Allison
Allison
16 years ago

A word that I don’t like? BLOGOSPHERE. Urgh.

jac
jac
16 years ago

Steven King! In the book! I had repressed that memory… but I clearly thought, “WTF, Steven King? I read 3000 pages to get to YOU? You boring, egotistical fucker. This sucks balls.”
Or something to that effect, anyway. Like, it might have been “donkey balls”.

mona
16 years ago

I think momprenuer is too cute for me. I know why people use it, but it’s like mommyblogs, another label that pegs women into a narrow, ill-fitting category.

Swistle
16 years ago

AGREED.
AGREED.
AGREED.
AGREED.
AGREED.
AGREED.
AGREED.
AGREED.

Eric's Mommy
Eric's Mommy
16 years ago

I’ll have to ditto Swistle on these, it’s like you read my mind. Although, I don’t have a laptop yet :(

ShannonJ
ShannonJ
16 years ago

– I also had a laptop inferno which luckily was solved by it crapping out. It’s my work computer, so I got a new one – hooray! Only a matter of time with this one, though.
– Teeth – No headgear for me, but I had the huge wrap-around band braces during junior high which made me even more awkward-looking than I already was. Plus they did lasting damage to my gums and tongue. And I have horribly sensitive teeth and several crowns now. Every time I go to the dentist I ask about the latest advancements in denture technology.
-Political correctness – definitely keeps interesting conversations from happening. I actually did have a reasonable conversation with some co-workers the other week about spanking, with differing sides represented. Surprisingly we are all still talking.
-Coke Zero, what’s with all the haters?

Inzaburbs
16 years ago

With you on everything. Including the teeth.
I have been sorely tempted to follow my MIL and grandmother in getting them all pulled out now *so that they can’t cause any future trouble*.
If I could just get around the thought of having to leave my teeth in a glass by the bed…

PS Who are Heidi and Spencer anyway? I thought they were a new design of shop window mannequins?

daranaco
daranaco
16 years ago

Full stop? I get it! I feel intellectually superior! I’m not sure to whom but I still feel it.

I’ve been turned off to S.K. ever since he started writing all of his books as if they were a screen play. WTF? I guess he saves the studios an extra step in their movie productions. Thanks for telling me about the last Dark Tower book. You just saved me $9.99 and countless hours re-reading the entire series (so I could remember the story).

Blazing Saddles and The Jerk are some of the best movies EVER. They could never be made these days. And frankly, I don’t know how Deutschland has been permitted to stay happy and gay.

Heather B.
16 years ago

I am alllll for being PC like don’t say ‘Oriental’ when you mean ‘Asian’. But what really annoys me are people who are having casual conversation and say ‘Black’ then take one look at me and suddenly start saying ‘African American’. It’s lovely that they’re trying to be all PC and shit but I don’t insert ‘Caucasian’ into every sentence also it’s perfectly OK to say black. I swear.

Ok I’ve been waiting for ages to get that out and now I feel better. Thank you.

Gina
16 years ago

I’m with you on everything but the Coke Zero. I love it!

JMH
JMH
16 years ago

Coke Zero sucks.

So does political correctness. I think sometimes we just need to stop worrying about it all so much. Jeesh.

D.
D.
16 years ago

Do you think the Coke Zero thing is an allergy? Because I can’t touch sweet and low — anything that has that in it tastes like it’s been spiked with sheep dip to me. But I like the Coke Zero fine.

claire
16 years ago

I second the teeth: my son is driving me nuts with his 8 tusks.

Totally agree with Anne Lammot and yes, I am sick of it being so controversial, as if other people should care what we do with our sons’ penises.

I have to say, I totally love Coke Zero. I don’t know why!

jonniker
16 years ago

Right behind you on all fronts — well, except for Coke Zero, which I actually like.

My personal favorite term a la momopreneur is momosphere. MOMOSPHERE. VOMITORAMA.

Also, does Heidi Montag ever close her mouth? And are you by chance referring to her WIDE OPEN pose with Spencer and her mother in US Weekly? With the giant card? And the flowers? GRAAAAAH.

In the Trenches of Mommyhood

*cowering down so as not to get hit*

I actually LIKE Coke Zero. Better than Diet Coke. In fact, I CHOOSE Coke Zero as my beverage of choice.

Teething? The only good thing about it is you can blame EVERYTHING from age 0-2 on teething.

nonsoccermom
16 years ago

GOD. THE TEETH. They have turned my household into a miserable place that I am glad to escape for 8 hours a day. Ugh. It is HORRIBLE.

the goddess anna
16 years ago

I agree with everything you said, and will take the last one even further by saying I hate all Coke products. Although, I did just finally kick my Diet Pepsi with Lime habit, and am now gaining an addiction to green tea ginger ale.

Amendment: I have no idea who those people are that you mentioned, but in principle, I still agree.

Liz
Liz
16 years ago

I agree with 87.5% of this–especially on the subject of the word “mompreneur”. It cleverly prevents women whose small businesses focus on kids and family from being thought of as, you know, BUSINESS OWNERS. I think it also perpetuates the illusion that these women are SAHMs rather than a particular subset of working mothers.

I will respectfully disagree with you on the subject of Coke Zero. I gave up regular Coke a few years ago and never acquired a taste for Diet Coke, which I think is metallic and gross. Coke Zero does it for me, though. I’ll drink it over Diet Coke any time.

Erin
16 years ago

I sometimes just plain old LOVE YOU. I hope that’s not too creepy.

The lasik version for teeth is an AWESOME IDEA! Sign me up.

Also, I saw M. Night Shymalan in an episode of Entourage recently. I love that show so much, there is almost nothing that can make it unwatchable (Jeremy Piven! GOD, THANK YOU! Also, I have a very real crush on Turtle. How did THAT happen?), but M. Night’s appearance certainly didn’t help. Dude, stay in your DIRECTOR’S chair. Geez.

Finally, I wrote a post yesterday about my son ending up wearing taking a big, bright Jesus sticker at the playground, and WHOO BOY. Who knew Jesus stickers could stir such controvery?

Emerald
16 years ago

Momtrepreneur. How ridiculous. I mean honestly can you promote yourself and your ideas without waving your soccer banners around?
And with the writing, you are so right. I wrote two books. Yes I did. Thusly I am a writer. Did I publish them? No. Why not? Didn’t feel like it. And no way did Stephen King insert himself into the last Dark Tower??!? Shiznat, I’m going to have to read that. (Also, teeth get in the way at other times too. I know you’re thinking it….)

Miz
Miz
16 years ago

I really couldn’t have put anything better myself. Well done!!

Pickles & Dimes
16 years ago

This is hilarious!

And Coke Zero? PURE EVIL.

Christina
16 years ago

I often wonder about those two – Spencer & Heidi and the rest of the cast. I mean they are in all the rags. I was looking at hair style magazines and Lauren was in there for her hair style alongside Katie Holmes and Angelina Jolie. I thought MY GAWD this girl is considered famous? BUT WHAT ONE GOD’S GREEN EARTH HAS SHE DONE!? NOTHING. Fame is just so freakin’ fickle…

Marie Green
16 years ago

Oh, how I love a crabby post. Makes me feel less bitchy myself. Also, I really love Anne Lamott- I love how she really doesn’t give a shit what others think. (This is also why I love your writing.)

I’m wondering if Coke zero will only be liked by those who never learned to like Diet Coke. I’m doing an unofficial study…

Steph in CA
Steph in CA
16 years ago

AMEN TO EVERY DANG WORD!

Meagan
16 years ago

Political correctness is a substitution for courtesy and basic decency. Unfortunately, a huge portion of the population is too idiotic to possess either of those very necessary things which is why the idea of “PC” exists. As republicans have proven, ideas are easier to understand in one line slogans. Also unfortunately, if someone who does possess courtesy and human decency, and choses to rely on that, someone else who relies on being PC will tell them they’re a horrible person.

donna
donna
16 years ago

I don’t drink coke at all, but am totally addicted to sunkist diet orange. Love love love it!
Which dark tower book are you talking about? I’ve got all of them I think, but was going to read them all at once. Duma Key was pretty good I thought, but not too creepy, it could have used some more creepiness. Or zombies. Yeah, zombies. My husband is totally amused by my fascination with zombies that I revived with your recommendation of books, wwz, and zombie survival guide. Both books for sale and movies lately have been very zombie friendly.
And the teeth thing? Totally! Where do I sign up?

Sarah
16 years ago

Thank you for writing what you did about being a writer. You are so right. I shouldn’t hinge my abilities on whether or not an agent will take on my book. I’m proud of it and I need to stop beating myself up. If it gets published by a big name or small name publisher doesn’t matter…what does is that the writing is good, no matter what the market thinks.

**********

Moving on…you are SO right about the PC thing. I’m so sick of everyone having to moniter every single bloody statement. It’s INSANE.

Very funny, and accurate list.
“Feel very very stabby” *G* Love it.

RubiaLala
16 years ago

Yes, I’m with you on everything.

Mompreneur is just such an ugly word too.

H
H
16 years ago

Don’t even get me started on teeth. I am considering tarring and feathering my previous dentist. I was completely unaware that he was neglecting his duties and now I have thousands of dollars of dental care and possibly surgery ahead of me. Asshole.

Something must be wrong with me. I like ’em all — Diet Coke, Coke Zero, Diet Pepsi, lime, no lime.

angela
angela
16 years ago

Dude, no way on the Stephen King thing. I mean sure it’s a pretty ego-lovin move, but it’s also, kind of, that he has the brio and the “I don’t give a fuck”-ness to do something like that, I think that deserves applause. What also deserves applause is that that series is totally bad-ass.

liz
liz
16 years ago

I got to witness a circumcision (I looked at this word about 400 times before moving on with this response because it just doesn’t look correct!) during nursing school and let me tell you-that baby boy barely even noticed. It was such a NON-big deal. It’s a personal choice just like all the other personal choices people make for their children-diet, education, television, etc. I am so tired of the Healthy McShitheads (to blatantly rip-off your term) who think that anyone who circumcises their sons, lets them eat meat/candy/cake/bologna/whatever, vaccinates them, or bottle feeds is beneath them. I am sick and tired of it! I’m not saying you should put soda or cappuccino in a baby bottle, but c’mon already! I’m just saying that we should all have a bit more flexibility and tolerance for our differences. By and large most parents are doing the best they can and love their children unconditionally and eternally. That’s what kids needs more than anything else.

I think the Healthy McShitheads are the ones that coined “mompreneur” in the first place. Ooh look at me, I’m a mom AND I’m making money. How freakin’ original. During the great depression when mothers were washing other people’s laundry for money would’ve never had the gall to label themselves as such. They were trying to make ends meet just like the rest of the people on the planet. ‘Nuf said.

Teeth—arrgh—don’t even get me started. They can actually kill you if you don’t take care of them properly. I have some MAJOR dental issues in my future if I don’t grow the balls to take care it very soon.

I loved this post. I am in a totally bitchy mood and this was exactly what I needed to read. Thank you for giving me something to vent about!!!!

ali
ali
16 years ago

i must admit, i do enjoy a good “spot the shyamalamadingdong” while watching his movies ;)

monkey mcwearingchaps
16 years ago

Vaccines, another one you’re not allowed to touch with a ten foot pole. How did vaccination become a hush-hush elephant in the room issue? My family is 100% third-world born and it fills us to amazement. Maybe because the threat of smallpox and death is actually not as far away as it is here.

monkey mcwearingchaps
16 years ago

And before anyone jumps on me, my sister is a child psychiatrist. SEE, see that? How did I become defensive about wanting to prevent polio that I have to cite my sister’s authority as a bona fide brain doc?

Kimberly
Kimberly
16 years ago

Love the rant! Love all your writing. Every post you do is great. And you know what else I love? That the comments prove there are people out there who don’t know who Heidi and Spencer are. There is still hope for mankind.

Sonia
Sonia
16 years ago

The PC thing…..is a touchy subject. Hell, with parenting what ISN’T a touchy subject? I got a LOT of crap from so many random people for circumcising our son. People? NONE OF YOUR FECKING BUSINESS! Don’t want to know? DON’T ASK! However, I’m one of those people who gets after folks for the use of the word ‘retard’. I wouldn’t go out of my way to search blogs to yell at people for using it, but I do point out that it’s offensive when I see or hear it. Mental retardation is a diagnosis, not an adjective. And yes, when I was younger, I used it. Then I had a child with special needs, and my view of…..everything….changed. Lol! I choose to point out the offensiveness of that word because I don’t think people realize they’re being hurtful or mean by using it. There are so many ways to talk to people about things without being an asshat, you know? Linda, you were SO gracious about it when I sent an e-mail to you with a picture of my kiddo. And in conclusion to that point…..SUCKADICK! ;-) I have a totally twisted sense of humor despite my pc tendencies on that one particular subject. *dragging my soapbox away*

Sonia
Sonia
16 years ago

Oh. And speaking of asshats…Heidi and Spencer. MAKE ME TWITCH. Almost as much as Ramona from The Real Housewives of New York City. Just GO AWAY! ACK!

Regarding teeth. Am sitting here with braces, at almost 35 years old. We couldn’t afford them when I was a kid, so as soon as my husband’s insurance upgraded enough to cover part of my orthodontia, I got them. What a pain! My son wasn’t cranky when he got baby teeth, but his special needs are wrecking havoc on his teeth now. I’d love to just *poof* give him a fantastic grill so he won’t have to worry about any of this stuff.

Jennifer
Jennifer
16 years ago

Teeth, OMG. So I can do Sonia (above) one better… not only did I have the whole fully-banded train tracks at age 11-13 (including both the neck headgear and the over-the-head variety), now some 30+ years later, everything has moved around to the point where I have a terrible overbite and TMJ and grinding/clenching issues because the teeth don’t line up. So, I’m back in the damn braces AGAIN. At least this time around I get to choose colorful rubber bands. So the braces of today are a fashion statement, yeah right.

fairydogmother
16 years ago

Ugh, I am so with you on many, many of these. Most especially Heidi & Spencer and the like. STFU already. WHY ARE YOU EVEN FAMOUS??

Also re: your daily piffle, many moons ago I was a preschool teacher which means I spent several hours a day reminding people to USE YOUR WORDS. I’d go home at night and it would still fly out of my mouth even when I was talking to adults. Yeah, my friends and family totally loved that.

Undomestic Diva
16 years ago

Amen on the politically correct thing. At what point does being PC mean censorship? Agreed that no one should be a blatant racist, but crap, you can’t even joke ever so slightly about anything without being called on the carpet.