I was at my “Turbo Kick” class at the gym last night and I had motored along fairly well until the last part of class when the instructor launches into this monotonous, horrifying routine of punches and kicks that just goes on and on and on for maybe twelve or thirteen hours straight, punch punch punch punch punch punch punch punch jab jab jab jab jab jab jab jab zigzag zigzag knee back kick back kick front kick front kick front kick front kick REPEAT, and I got to thinking that instead of visualizing a smaller waistline or whatever as my form of motivation for making it through without doing that thing where you go get a drink of water but you take your sweet-ass time about it because really, it’s less about hydrating and more about taking a break before projectile vomiting ensues, I should be thinking about how my improved physical fitness will help me when the zombie plague eventually sweeps the earth. I mean, have you seen the new, fast zombies? Those motherfuckers will run you down and suck your brain dry in no time, I don’t know about you but I’d like to feel capable of putting some distance between my delicious, tempting flesh and their rotted, yet still powerful jaws, and I need to be strong enough to carry a couple of small children while I’m sprinting for my life because the kids might be a pain in my ass at times but it’s not like I want them to become zombie kabobs.

That train of thought thundered right past Crazy Town and into Batshit City as we all hunkered into the godawful bend-down-touch-the-floor-with-one-hand-then-straighten-up-and-kick-the-opposite-leg routine and I decided that what we need is a zombie preparedness training franchise. Preferably designed by Max Brooks, this would be a series of classes a person could take which would involve an intense physical regimen combined with classic survival training: how to dress a wound (not a zombie afflicted wound, obviously, since if you’ve been bitten you should probably be concerning yourself with finding the nearest gun so you can . . . well, that subject will be in the class too, and let’s be honest, it won’t be cheery), combat techniques, recognizing poisonous plant species, turning your household into a defensible stronghold — you know, the usual.

Sure, maybe the cardio-triggered lack of oxygen had something to do with this idea, but I’m telling you, I think it’s got merit. People would take this class for general survivalist tips, people would take it because they thought it was funny, people would take it because even though they joke about the subject they find themselves thinking about zombies at the strangest times, just idly considering the nightmarish possibilities, remote though they must surely be, ha ha ha ha haaaaa.

Now, a class about werewolves or some shit would just be fucking stupid. You see the difference, right?

2572373282_05daee5f70.jpg
See? Totally worth saving from the undead. I’ll be honest, though, I’m not sure I feel the same way about Cat. Would she save ME? I think not.

Comments

Subscribe
Notify of
guest
57 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Heather
Heather
15 years ago

BEST PICTURE EVER! :-)

samantha jo campen
15 years ago

Riley is doing the toe thing! I see it! I see it!

Oh, and my heart just got all schmoopy because of the joyfulness of your two boys. Swoon.

Emily
Emily
15 years ago

Oh my god the adorableness is TOO TOO much!! Your boys totally deserve to be saved from the zombies.

And btw have you taken a look at that BLUE sky thing going on? I mean it’s as if there is another layer or something beyond that grey one. Perhaps it just means that the zombies are attacking and I need to sign up for your kick ass class!

Kirsten
15 years ago

My boy has those same sleepers…aren’t they scrumptious in blue and brown???
for a very brief moment, after seeing that picture – my uterus twinged for another boy…OY

Jo
Jo
15 years ago

Your boys are adorable, just too cute :)

missbanshee
15 years ago

Nom nom nom baby boy brains!

Just kidding. Hells yeah, I’d sign up for that class. I find that people are FAR too cavalier about the imminent zombie apocalypse. Far too cavalier by a long shot…

Jennifer
15 years ago

Dylan looks like a baby from ye olden tymes with his rosy pink cheeks, like he ought to be on a box of soap flakes or something. They are both just so cute.

I think you might be one of the only other people I know of who takes the Zombie Uprising seriously. It’s totally going to happen, it’s just a matter of when.

I don’t know about you, but those “28 Days Later” zombies scared to ever loving piss out of me with their cunning and speed. I think I could handle the “Sean of the Dead” zombies though. Let’s all make a pact to meet up at the Winchester when the shit goes down!

ginger
ginger
15 years ago

Not that I’m admitting anything, here, but there are panels concerning these matters every year at Norwescon, and yet I don’t see those who attend becoming any fitter.

Aw, when he looks at Dylan, Riley doesn’t look suspicious!

Amity
Amity
15 years ago

photo = ADORABLE!! It’s kind of rare to see a smiley Riley pic, and then to have BOTH! Love it. And Dylan’s rosy cheeks… Totally lovable. If you don’t save them, I will. :)

Shanna
15 years ago

Have you been watching too many movies lately?? Of course I would want to save my kids from the zombies, but as far as they are conscerned they should watch themselves or they might push me too far… maybe I’ll save you, maybe I won’t do you really want to play that game of roulette? Wow, I am sounding really morbid right now. But zombie ass kicking class, count me in!

Jennifer
15 years ago

The ORB in the sky! I see it too! Is the armageddon upon us or something????

Swistle
15 years ago

Totally genius. My heart rate is up just THINKING about a zombie-fighting class.

tracey in toronto
tracey in toronto
15 years ago

ahh! it’s all so clear now…you get your motivation from your gripping fear of needing to escape zombies! yeah that one is not going work for me…because not even a little part of me ever worries about them, although i should since our city has zombie parade every year

tracey in toronto
tracey in toronto
15 years ago

btw…your boys are adorable. dylan is looking more and more person-y every day

Lesley
Lesley
15 years ago

God, I love that picture. Riley, best big brother ever and Dylan, sweet little charmball and Ham. You must keep punching and jabbing to keep your kids safe. Must! Also, when you’re running, please pick up Dog. YOu can DO IT. (Oh wait, I believe Dog can run by herself.)

Sadly, I will never be able to use the zombie visual as motivation because I have never seen a zombie pic or read a zombie book or even a zombie comic. I am too afraid to go there.

P.S. I so envy that you have turbo classes. These aren’t available where I am.

victoria
victoria
15 years ago

I agree, that is the BEST picture you’ve ever posted. Totally made me want to have kids (if that train hadn’t already sailed, as Austin Powers would say). Also, I don’t know about zombies, but based on your description of that class, you could totally kick MY ass. Also you are hilarious & I love you. (I’ve been reading since when was it, 2002? I just love you more & more as time passes.)

Syd
Syd
15 years ago

I’ve had this thought – sort of – it more for when I’m running. I don’t think about my waistline as you said, I think, “I must train so I can out run Y during Armageddon.” Y being everyone else, the aliens or hungry lions. Cause I don’t mind so much if I’m fat, as long as I can survive! And I think that would be a very helpful class–Zombie Survival 101. Last thought: great photo, that boy has a smile like a hookline and sinker.

shygirl
shygirl
15 years ago

OMG. Zombie survival training! I would TOTALLY sign up! And congratulations, because you have managed to come up with the very first workout class idea that has EVER sounded appealing to me. In general, the thought of an exercise class of any sort makes me cringe, which is why I’m in terrible shape. But I mean, really: fast, wily zombies. Is there a better motivation for getting in shape? I think not! Count me in!

mixette
mixette
15 years ago

Man, that cutie Dylan. Now I know how someone can be called “apple-cheeked”!

I can imagine a spinning video where you are speeding away from the zombies, and now! jump! over the zombie!….

Jolie
15 years ago

whenever I see pictures of your kids, it looks like a little, short haired you and a baby JB. It’s uncanny, and also sort of reminiscent of http://www.manbabies.com (check and laugh if you haven’t seen it already).

warcrygirl
15 years ago

And just how many times a day do you snarf on those rosy red cheeks? Adorable!

Lesley
Lesley
15 years ago

“OMG. Zombie survival training! I would TOTALLY sign up!”

Yeah, but think about the name. I imagine Zombies might sign up for this too thinking it’s about their survival, and um, that would not be fun.

Victoria
15 years ago

Best picture ever in the history of pictures.

Oh, and I’m in for the training too.

Laura
Laura
15 years ago

Hahahahahaha I would SO sign up for that class. We were househunting last summer and it seems that the Big City we live on the outskirts of has a giant-ass cemetery that borders my town. I rejected like five houses that were right near the cemetery because 1) creepy and 2) WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THE ZOMBIES COME? We’d be SCREWED.

Lesley
Lesley
15 years ago

I would like to thank Jolie for that manbabies link. I just laughed myself sick looking at “most popular”.

Schnozz
15 years ago

But there IS such a franchise! The Zombie Squad! You would make such a great member. :)
http://zombiehunters.org/

I love that they’re “the world’s premier non-stationary cadaver suppression task force.” And that they actually do a lot of good things in the community.

WickedStepMom
15 years ago

Sign me up for the Zombie Survival training!

mnerva
mnerva
15 years ago

Love the training class idea! Maybe you could outfit them with the t-shirt design I told you about, lol. If so, sign me up.

Super cute pic of the boys.

mojavi
15 years ago

ok… that shizznit just had me rollin!

*lurker no more*

Valria
15 years ago

A-DOR-A-BLE!!!!!!!

Ellen
Ellen
15 years ago

Linda, you should do this! Think about how much you could make licensing Zombie Fitness ™ to gyms everywhere! (Night of the Living Fit?) Then you would always be known as the woman who brought zombie-attack preparedness to the masses.

Marlen
15 years ago

Love Dylan’s face! Where does he get his red hair from? Love that, too!

jonniker
15 years ago

Oh Dylan. OH DYLAN.

Kim
Kim
15 years ago

Love the pic. Your youngest’s expression is priceless.

heather
heather
15 years ago

hm. thinking about the impending zombie infestation might actually get my ass to the gym. it’s certainly something to consider….

justmouse
justmouse
15 years ago

omg. you are so totally awesome. hehehe, i love this entry. and i totally agree…werewolve defence? meh. to be honest, i *might* be ok becoming a werewolve if, you know, i HAD to. but becoming an undead? not gonna happen. so ya, zombie defence training sounds totally ligit. and, if you weren’t awesome enough already, you end your post with a totally adorable picture of your kidlets.

yay!

Anji
15 years ago

Hot diggety damn your boys are adorable. :D

Eric's Mommy
Eric's Mommy
15 years ago

I would totally take that class, the new faster zombies scare the hell out of me!

Your boys are too cute!!

Deanna
Deanna
15 years ago

Cat is so misunderstood.

If/When the need ever arises and the undead or other not human creatures start attcking you WANT Cat with you. See, Cat will do one of a couple of things.
She could 1. morph into this giant claw weilding protective cat creature and thus ensure your survival or she could 2. call for back up from her home planet and save the entire human race or . . . you get the picture.

Cats see all and are sneaky. . . or watchful and stealthy (it’s all in the word choice). Maybe she is more of a zombie first alert system. You know, ever watchful, forced to take the guise of a subservient creature. Never underestimate a cat.

–yes, *I* am the crazy cat lady who cares for wild and feral kitties even though they hate my guts.

Amblus
15 years ago

Oh please, my lazy freeloading cats are going to be thrown at the zombies as a distraction so we can escape through the emergency hatch. SORRY FUZZ HEADS. Shoulda done the dishes when I asked!

bad penguin
15 years ago

Whatever it takes to get you through the class, right? Besides, fake zombie preparedness is fun. Just last night my husband and I were looking at real estate listings online, and he rejected one place because “that kitchen is way too open. If it came down to a firefight, you’d have no where to hide. Now [streetname]house on the other hand, with the turrety bumpout — you could totally take out zombies from there.” He was kidding of course, but it really was a crappy kitchen.

Your boys are adorable.

nonsoccermom
15 years ago

That picture is too precious!!

Ha, I would totally take a zombie defense class. Just this week I scored a paltry 31% on one of those quizzes that gives your chances of surviving a zombie apocalypse. Not good odds.

Sarah
15 years ago

*lol* I’d definitely take that zombie defense class!! How fun!!

And that picture is just so blasted cute! :D

Deanna
Deanna
15 years ago

SIGN ME UP!!! I totally have those late night, can’t sleep moments when I honest-to-god wonder: if the aliens from “Signs” were attacking, knowing they have problems opening door knobs, WHICH room would I hide in? Closet? Lots of books in there to help me pass the time. Bathroom? Access to water would be great, but not the most comfortable room. …er, maybe I’ve shared too much. Either way – count me in!!!

MRW
MRW
15 years ago

I totally think this or similar when doing kickboxing. When I’m considering just leaving rather than dying in class, I think about how prepared I’m going to be for some kind of post-apocalyptic uprising of zombies or radiation altered humans or whatever. It makes me a lot more motivated and class more interesting. I would SO take a zombie survival work out class.

Quiana
15 years ago

I would absolutely take a Zombie Preparedness exercise class. That might be a good direction for you; part time blogger, part time aerobics instructor, full time mom. Imagine saying that at your high school reunion.

Maggie
15 years ago

I have no words for how cute your boys are. Except maybe “ovary-implodingly scrumptious.” I’m off to convince my husband that we need to reproduce. Now.

dorrie
dorrie
15 years ago

Hey-nice banner!

Laura
Laura
15 years ago

You know what motivates me to get through Turbo Jam? I’m Britney’s understudy, and we’re practicing our stuff for the VMAs. I am SO going to kick her ass and at the last minute, she’ll be wishing she had practiced as hard as I did, because she’s getting yanked from the number, and they’re putting me up there instead. Take that, slacker!

Andrea
15 years ago

Man, what a great way to get into shape! Not to mention learning valuable survival skills. But where did you find out about fast moving zombies??? I must read up on them so I can at least be even more prepared until such a Zombie Survival Preparedness class can be launched.

Your boys = deliciously cute!