I don’t know if I’m allergic to mosquitos or what but every time I get bitten the area of attack gets enormous and puffy and red and sort of . . . well, boil-y, if I’m going to be honest, all brain-searingly itchy (ohmigod) and throbbing and basically less of an insect bite and more of a TORTUOUS PUSTULE OF HORROR, and this would be why I flail around batting wildly at myself whenever there are flying bugs nearby, or even when I think there might be bugs, and did you just hear something? Just now? A tiny eeeeeeeeee sound? Goddamned bloodsuckers, I’ll . . . I’ll burn down your pupae. I’ll tear off your proboscis and crap down your thorax.

MUST. NOT. SCRATCH.

Anyway! How’s your week going? Mine is going swimmingly, aside from the Pustules of Horror (PoH) I acquired during an otherwise lovely walk through some gardens last weekend. Oh, and there’s the matter of Dylan having cut his first tooth and morphed into a drooling, hand-gnawing (and finger-gagging), snot-tacular mess as a result. Also, Dog has a lump on her side and it seems likely that it’s just a fatty benign tumor thing since she’s an Elderly Labradork but I’m worried the vet will tell us otherwise and now I feel guilty for yelling at her yesterday when she joyously dragged her ass along the carpet like hey, look at this great way I found to buff my rectum!

In happier news, my hardware budget at Workplace had accrued enough funds to buy a new computer, and I got myself a spanky-fast MacBook Pro. I love it very very much, especially since it doesn’t sear the flesh from my thighs like my old laptop. JB, after months of crabbing about how Macs are mold-covered pieces of wet shit compared to PCs — suitable only for creating cute little scrapbooky photo albums, not for legitimate business activities — has already started angling for ownership of my previous MacBook, and I’m thinking of letting him have it, as long as he promises to wear a special shirt whenever he’s using it which will read I NEED TO KEEP MY BIG FLAPPING IGNORAMUS SHUT.

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samantha jo campen
14 years ago

My husband converted me to Macs and now I’m a snob. I heart our MacBook SOOOO much. It makes me swoon.

First tooth? Already? Crap. That’s just too damn soon if you ask me.

Oh, and I was a vet tech and it IS probably a fatty tumor. Labs are prone to them. And Dog will probably use it to her advantage and milk it for all it’s worth–rectum rubbing and all.

Emily
14 years ago

What is up with the rectum rubbing? Seriously, my dog does this too. How in the hell can I make it stop?

Oh and BTW “tear off your proboscis and crap down your thorax.” Pure hilarity! Another genius post.

Sleepynita
14 years ago

Some people just do not understand the love of macBook. Either that of they are in the OC closet hiding while wearing mandals.

Dude the rectum rubbing on the carpet is so they can empty their anal glands, of course you can learn to do this yourself for them (it smells foul) or you can take them for a haircut and ask the groomer to do it.

Trina
Trina
14 years ago

We have been thinking about switching over to a Mac. Mostly because no matter how much virus protection we put on our PC and laptop we still seem to get NAILED and I am SICK and TIRED of it. We have been told this is something we won’t need to worry about on a Mac.

I feel sorry for people who get mosquito bites. For some reason they leave me alone. I must have deet in my sweat or something.

annie
annie
14 years ago

Ok, the buffing their rectum activity and the phrase “empty their anal glands” has completely stopped any contemplating on my part of giving in to the little people and getting a dog.

ginger
ginger
14 years ago

I am guessing from the absence of other people moaning, “Oh my god through her SKULL!” that I am the only one reading that link up there.

Damn, girl, that is a horrible article and it made me itch all over.

Mary O
Mary O
14 years ago

Oh my god. I just scanned that story from the link. I am horrified. Like the commenter above, I suddenly feel itchy…

dani
dani
14 years ago

i share your mosquito woes. i AM allergic (sounds like you are too), and have developed various aides over the years. in fact, i feel now like i need to recommend SARNA for your anti-itch needs. (it’s a cream that actually works). also, if the PoH is really swollen and hot, try crushing up some aspirin and making a little paste out of it with cold water. it flakes off after it dries which is a little annoying and sometimes messy, but it helps. a lot. and i don’t know about you, but sometimes that is more important than making a mess or looking like you’re covered in powdered sugar.

vague
14 years ago

Oh, man, I feel your pain on the Pustules of Horror. I just got rid of a few of those that were hanging around on my calves for, like, 2 weeks. Normally, I never get mosquito bites (because I am so bitter and repulsive to them, of course), but when they do get me they get the HELL out of me.

I hope Dog is all right! I hear labs do get those fatty deposits that aren’t harmful, so I’m sure she’ll be fine, and happily wiping her butt funk on your carpet for many more years.

clarabella
14 years ago

Gah, mosquito bites do the same thing on me. Mosquitoes love me, especially when I go on vacation and they smell me from out of town and those FL mosquitoes think “We’re having MS tonight.” Bah. I am currently nursing at least 30 PoH. And I have thrown all knowing better to the wind and scratched them into scabby little knots. Because life is too short and I have too many and it feels too good to scratch them. I hope yours disappear more quickly than mine are.
As for the passing on the Mac, I heart my own Mac, but I equally despise snobby attitudes for or against Macs/PCs. I say a humiliating shirt is MOS DEF in order if JB is to adopt your beloved older Mac Book.
I sure hope Dog’s bump is just a bump.

Heather
Heather
14 years ago

I am suddenly itchy everywhere. That article! I’ll never get the green oozing liquid visual out of my head. Now I’m afraid to itch. Wow, that was disturbing.

#6
#6
14 years ago

A couple of things that might help you.

The Dog butt schooch is either the anal sacs or worms. In either case, tell the vet when you get the fatty tumor examined.

Get a mentholated high alcohol liquid like Osage Rub

http://www.amazon.com/Osage-Rub-14-oz/dp/B000N2KY3I/

or Aqua Velva after shave to put on the mosquito bites ASAP after the bite. It will really help mitigate the effect of your reaction to the anticoagulant the little skeeters inject

Maria
14 years ago

My son gets those pustules of doom. He got bit on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday in some miraculous tri-fecta of bugmobilization. So how he looks like I beat him with hardy enthusiasm.

Luckily he hasn’t caught on to the whole scratching thing when it comes to his face and arms. So he’s just bumpy, not scabby.

Bel
Bel
14 years ago

It sounds like you are allergic to mosquito bites! Me too – if I’m outside in a group, I will get covered in them, and my companions will be left alone, it’s so unfair. Apparently it has something to do with your blood type, but can also have to do with your pheromones, perfume, the mossies can smell you.

I use tea tree oil – natural and effective

All Adither
14 years ago

Topical Benadryl works wonders.

ikate
ikate
14 years ago

“Macs are mold-covered pieces of wet shit compared to PCs” – that’s how I felt until I met my graphic-designer hubby 10 years ago. I’ve been a Mac-fan ever since.

And I feel the tooth pain – my 21 month old is cutting BOTH her top incisors and one of the bottom ones at the same time. AAIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE!!! We’re going on 12 straight months of teething here. Please make it stop.

Lesley
Lesley
14 years ago

Haven’t had a bite yet this year, but I did kill a Battlestar Galactica-worthy mosquito the other night in the bedroom. A thoroughly satisfying experience.

I’ve got an allergy to insect pollen and when bitten break out in a head to toe rash of searingly itch hives that require huge quantities of anti-histamines to calm. And if they don’t work, a risky dose of prednisone that shuts my immune system off completely.

Not sure if anti-histamines will help you, but they are worth a shot to kill the itch.

Lesley
Lesley
14 years ago

PS. Keep us posted on Dog. I hope it’s just a benign cyst. *sniff* Dogs age much too fast.

thejunebug
thejunebug
14 years ago

Thank you, Linda, for that spectacular article about a woman who scratched her head so much she scratched THROUGH HER SKULL AND INTO HER BRAIN. EWWWAAAGGGGHHHUGH!

Actually… my dad had MS, and one of the manifestations of the nerve damage from MS is itchiness. His legs would itch so much that he scratched the skin right off his legs – multiple times.

Big wuffly hugs to poor Dog – I’m sure she’s fine. And boo to JB; he doesn’t deserve the wonderful Macness! (Though I admit I have the same problem with my MacBook burning my legs. Aiiie.)

nonsoccermom
14 years ago

My son and I are both horribly allergic to mosquitoes and it sounds like you are too. A dose of Benadryl and some Aveeno cortisone cream work for us.

Ugh, the teething. My 6-month-old has had horribly swollen gums and we’ve been drowning in her drool for almost a month now and STILL NO TEETH. ARGH.

Swistle
14 years ago

There is NO WAY I am clicking that link. NO WAY.

A dab of bleach on a fresh mosquito bite can make it vanish like magic. Well, leaving behind a bleach burn.

courtney
courtney
14 years ago

i read the linked article.
oh. my. god.

McWriter
14 years ago

Viva la Mac!

When I needed a new computer, my dad offered to get me a fancy new PC for free, but I said, “No, thank you, I’d rather have a Mac.”

I now type by candlelight to save on the electricity bill. Must cut corners where possible. But not on my sweet baby Mac.

Marie Green
14 years ago

My daughter has the same reaction to mosquito bites, and she causes quite a stir if she has a few and I take her out in public- I’m not shitting, people actually TSK me.

Someone Being Me
14 years ago

I get bitten by every mosquito in a 20 mile radius which here in the Texas humidity is a lot. I put rubbing alcohol on the bites as soon as I get in and it stops the itch.

Jennifer
14 years ago

I can’t believe Dylan’s already getting teeth. Time’s just flying by and he’s not even my baby.

I’m sure things will be just fine with Dog. My parents have an old lab too who is no stranger to the ol’ fatty lumps! She’s probably losing her hearing anyway so your yelling probably came across at a normal volume and that you were praising (instead of scolding) her method of butthole relief.

Heh … “butthole”

velocibadgergirl
14 years ago

ARGH, that article…AAAAAAH!!!

I need an adult! HER BRAIN!!! AAAAAH!!!!!!!

erin
14 years ago

My choc. lab has those fatty deposits and the time between the vet taking a biopsy and the time she told us they were benign I think I died eleventy-billion times. Apparently it’s a common thing for labs. Crap.

Maureen
Maureen
14 years ago

I haven’t read every comment, but I did see where someone said Dog needs her anal glands emptied. Ummm…seriously-don’t try it at home. The smell is the most disgusting thing ever, and if you squirt it on yourself by accident, oh my!

My husband is a dog groomer, a professional, and he would never try to empty our dog’s anal glands at home. Plus, you do want to get it checked out because they can get impacted-then there is surgery involved.

Like you need one more thing to worry about!

velocibadgergirl
14 years ago
Misguided mommy
14 years ago

i just have to know, how many of us are itching now?

also DUH JB MAC IS GOING TO RULE THE WORLD SOME DAY GOSH!!!!!!!!

Danell
14 years ago

Sometimes an itchy butt is just an itchy butt.

Karen
14 years ago

Just wanted to say that I love your site. I read it everyday even if you don’t update. I’ve got a Lab with whole plethora of Lipoma. So many now he truly looks deformed but we love him anyway.

Karen
14 years ago

Just wanted to say that I love your site. I read it everyday even if you don’t update. I’ve got a Lab with whole plethora of Lipoma. So many now he truly looks deformed but we love him anyway.

Lesley
Lesley
14 years ago

Just want to say, that article you link to is amazing, particularly the mirror cure for phantom limb syndrome. I am in awe that anyone can actually scratch through the skull (how is this even possible?) and also astounded that a simple standing mirror can alleviate so much pain. This world is truly magical.

Danielle-Lee
14 years ago

My girl is allergic to mosquito bites and she gets those PoH’s too. They suck! I hate when I hear the little eeeeeeeeeee sound. I get all weird, like Smoky in the chicken coop on ‘Friday’, whipping my head around, hoping the damn Off works!
My Labs have those damn fatty tumors too. If I went to the vet every time a new one popped up…

Liz
Liz
14 years ago

My head itches.

becky
becky
14 years ago

ohmygodohmygodohmygod. i can’t stop itching now. into her brain? whatthehell!?!

Kalin
14 years ago

Oh lordy, I just found your blog looking for others who were using the Blue Zinfandel theme and now I can’t stop itching. The worst, I think, is when I found a tick crawling on me and suddenly felt like they were crawling EVERYWHERE. That feeling lasted for about a week. Uggh.

Also, sending good vibes to your pooch! I know how it is to worry about the oldies and wonder if something’s routine or a bigger problem.

kelly
kelly
14 years ago

My elderly dachshund has those fatty tumors also. The first time we saw one we freaked out but the vet explained that it was just a bunch of adipose tissue built up in one spot. Getting old is just awesome.

Emblita
14 years ago

Dude- that article made me itch. If I scratch my brain out I know who to blame

Eric's Mommy
Eric's Mommy
14 years ago

My son and I also have really bad reactions to mosquito bites. We get huge welts from them. My husband hardly ever gets bit, if we are out somewhere and the mosquitos are bad they will be swarmed around me and not him. I too have to deal with the PoH.

Our dog is about as old as yours and he has fat lumps too, our vet said they were nothing to worry about. He also has sprouted lots of warts too in his old age.

Funny thing about teeth, my son is 6 and the other day he told me he had teeth coming in. Well, I had no idea he still needed to sprout another set of molars and sure enough there they were making their appearance!

Lizzybee
14 years ago

I get mosquito bites bad too! I just ready a little snippet in a magazine that you could use soybean oil as a deterrent. And it was supposed to be different from other stuff, as it doesn’t smell! The next time I’m at a Good Foody type place I thought I might pick some up and try it.

theobvious
14 years ago

Unfortunately, I know how you feel. I have the same reaction to mosquitos. Furthermore, I’ve just spent three nights in what apparently was a mosquito reservation. Hello, PoH! Hope you feel better soon. Maybe the shiny new Macbook can help get your mind off it :)

BA
BA
14 years ago

Dad’s a Vet and the fatty tumors are pretty common in Labs of that age (and younger). As long as you can move it around and it’s not hardened to an area, then that’s what it is. You don’t even have to do anything about it unless it grosses you out or seems to bother her. Good luck!

Abby
14 years ago

As soon as I get a mosquito bite, I rub it with spit. Yes, saliva from my own mouth. This seems to soothe the itching. But then, I don’t get PoHs.

Amy
Amy
14 years ago

I heard somewhere that regular listerine can be used as bug spray if you spray it on yourself. I haven’t got up the nerve to try it…(it burns the hell out of my mouth, why wouldn’t it burn my skin too)…but it doesn’t have the poison factor of off so it may be worth a shot…

Gaby
14 years ago

I hope that Dog is ok, but I have to admit that I’ve got a lovely fatty tumor hanging out on my leg and all of this talk of how common these fatty tumors are in Labs is making me question some of my DNA composition…

Julie
14 years ago

So impressed that you know the names of actual bug parts. Sorry about the PoH. Can you take Benadryl or something like that for the itching?

One of my office mates just got a new Macbook laptop with a 17-inch screen. We had to go on a quest for a computer bag large enough for that sucker! She loves it, though, and now I want one for myself because it does all kinds of spectacular things!

Allie
Allie
14 years ago

I’m not sure if anyone has already told you this but a laptop cooler will help keep your thighs from burning. I just bought one for my laptop and it’s been awesome! Keeps my laptop cool and my thighs too!