Nope. It will come when it comes. My first daughter was easy to potty train. My second…not so much. She attended daycare 3 days a week and even though her school mates were getting with the program, she wasn’t really impressed. Eventually, we switched to cotton pants so that “mistakes” were readily felt and she still wasn’t particularly concerned. Nothing we did made any difference. No bribery, nothing. She has an iron will and just suddenly it was time for her to do it. She still sleeps with a pull-up (she’s four) but is now otherwise on her own. And, yes, it is nice to not have to wipe a single ass but my own these days. Riley will get there when he’s ready.

Not much advice here, but just this morning I yelled “Watch what you are doing!” (a little too loud) at Margot for spilling a cup of coffee that my husband left in a precarious position on the counter.

She cried, I felt like an asshat. I HATE when our mornings start like that!

Awww! Poor little dude! I distinctly remember a couple of moments in my early years where I did not want to go back to school because it was just too much to handle for whatever reason, begging to stay home with Mommy. My heart broke with empathy reading this post!

I don’t have any advice for you, not being a parent, except I really think time is the key. Time and practice, so to speak.

OH wow, I was nodding through your entire parenthesied paragraph. There was a day when the boy (just a couple months old mind you) was just crying and fighting sleep for HOURS and I was just so done and my nerves were shot…I put him on the bed where he screamed and screamed and I grabbed his little fists and got in his face and said “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?”
and of course he just cried harder and I cried too feeling like the worst mother in the world. I actually left him for about five minutes and let him cry because I needed to calm myself down and not take out my frustration on my innocent baby boy. I swear, that day eats at me – especially when he’s having a great day and is so sweet and smiley, I think back on that moment and feel like such an asshole.
I love your honesty, you help all us other mom’s out there feel NORMAL when we have struggles and handle things poorly.

I feel for you, I really do. Been there with my son. Boys apparently potty train really late, but that’s not in the instruction manual, now is it? Oh wait, there IS no manual…

When Lucas was potty training, I just let him follow me into the bathroom (yes, even #2) whenever he wanted, to get the sense of how normal it was. (that’s probably weird, isn’t it?) I never pushed him, but I did bribe him with an M&M every time he was successful. Candy was so exotic to him it really helped.

Best of luck to you is all I can say!

Thanks for sharing your not best moments with us. It reminds all of us moms that everyone has difficult days with this parenting gig.

The potty thing has been the hardest milestone for C to conquer. The only advice I have is he will go on the potty when he’s ready, not when you are or when the daycare is. It’s totally shitty advice (literally and figuratively) but that’s the only thing I’ve learned. Bribes don’t work. Begging doesn’t work. If he’s stubborn or independent at all, he’ll go when he wants to.

And the apologizing after an accident – it literally feels like your heart is being squeezed. It’s the saddest thing. It will get better.

Poor little guy! Hugs for both of you. :)

My wife was the ‘kinder gentler’ parent with out first during potty training. To her everything was ‘Ok’, he could piss or crap on the floor (or where ever) and all she would say it ‘That’s Ok, accidents happen’. After several months of that I finally took control after, while looking at me, he pissed on the carpet. I told him in a loud voice if he ever did that again I would tie a knot in his penis. That was the last time he ever did that again. BTW, being a guy I didn’t feel bad at all.

Some parents out there reward (bribe) their kids with some sort of small candy upon success; an M&M or two.

Some parents create a “Potty Chart” and the kid gets to pick which sticker to put on the potty chart upon success, pick out where they put it on the chart (Nice when they line up in a row and column in orderly fashion, but not important for non-obsessant minds, or 2-3 year olds, or other normal people) and then they get to stand back and count loudly at the number of times they have successfully gone potty.

Some parent have a “Potty Party” and make a HUGE deal over success – throwing them up in the air, dancing around, clapping, etc…

In our household – as a desperate attempt to get through this messy learning curve as quickly as possible – we do all three.

Ahh yes, I am trying to work on this myself. Sometimes I get so caught up in how I WANT things to go that I forget DD doesn’t have the speed or skill or attention span to do things like a grown-up with reasoning skills because, DUH! she’s freakin’ four years old. I get impatient, yell or just act annoyed (passive aggressive much?) then I feel like a douchebag. I apologize and give lots of hugs and kisses, and try to be better next time.

I know how you feel. Sorry, no advice.

We had a poster board with stickers that they could put up a sticker for every day without an accident. Five stickers equalled doing something fun. But – when it comes down to it, it really is just a matter of them being ready when they’re ready.

If you have ANY doubts about the daycare tho -run do not walk to a different one. I did not follow my instincts on the first daycare we used, and it wasn’t a BAD place -the kids just weren’t supervised as well as I would like. My daughter was too young to tell us, she just started “startling” really easy. So – that was my lesson – as soon as you feel like something isn’t right – might be time for a new place.

Very quick because I’m rushing to the hairdresser. I’m not keen on the sticker/stars idea because it implies one way is good and the other way is failure.

If it’s any help, (and it seems Riley needs reassurance more than anything because he’s going to go through this in fits and starts) I used to “make up” stories about how when I was two (or three) I used to have accidents too. Somehow an adult letting a child know they were once two or three or four (and so on) helps the child immensely. It’s like a bridge across this huge chasm between the grown up world where adults are Gods who never miss and the child who feels awkward. It helps them know they are not alone.

I was going to suggest maybe letting your husband take control because some boys do a lot better having a man train them – showing them the ropes, so to speak. Then I read Pete’s comment . . . well, I still think it might be worth a try.

The fact that he cares about his progress is very positive. Personally, I would not backtrack now. He will be really happy when he achieves control; just needs a little help and patience with some of the details. My daughter has been dry for months, but had an unusual accident last week; she simply waited too long to go; I feel she was just trying to see if she could hold it longer than usual. So, now she knows one more thing that doesn’t work . . . and so does Riley.

If he is having a “lot” of #2 accidents, it might be related to constipation, which could prevent him from controlling. This is a big reason why some older boys have problems right up to elementary school age. Might want to check that out just in case.

Another thing is that he might be afraid or too shy to ask to go potty at school. In the latter case, it might help to act out exactly what he should do when he feels the urge (in his classroom if possible), and have the teacher reassure him directly that it’s OK to interrupt anything and everything for a potty break.

Last but not least, he will get over this, probably sooner than you will. Don’t let the Freudian psychologists make you afraid to help your son.

Good luck!

We ended up doing the reward system with one of our girls. At first every pee received something sweet, like an m&m or two. Then we dropped the reward from the pee to the poop, and only rewarded for the poop. Then we made a chart, supernanny style that included the entire day with no accidents (receive one sticker) and at the end of the week if the stickers outnumbered the non-stickers, we took said kid to pick out a new (cheap) toy at Target.

I truly believe though that they are ready when they are ready. And, yeah, it does take time.

I potty train kids in my classroom. I need to admit that when an accident is really nasty we throw away the underwear and just send home the other clothes in a sealed bag.

Linda I totally feel for you! My son wasn’t poop potty trained until he was 4. I remember my husband calling me at work telling me that he went to pick Eric up from preschool and he was running around outside with the other kids holding his butt and crying “I pooped, I pooped!” I felt so bad for him but also angry at the fact that he didn’t use the damn toilet! I think he had 2 accidents at preschool.

As far as any tips for you, I have non. We tried everything, we tried the whole no clothes thing and all it caused him to do was hold his poop. One day he just got it and finally decided to poop on the potty, just out of the blue.

I had an asshole moment with my son today too. My partner was looking for a sewing kit (hell no not to fix his own damn buttons) to get a needle to remove a sliver. I had no idea where it was and my short tempered man got all huffy. I looked at him and said “Daddy you are a jerk” and not The Dictator is calling my partner Daddy Jerk all day.

Oy somedays I got to just suck it up.

I am thrilled you didn’t post this one at parent dish; could you imagine the whining you would have got there? How dare you A) work for a living B) take your kids to daycare C) have your own non-robotic emotions and of course D) you know ALL their kids were trained by 9 months right?
GAH!!!

My son had a serious accident during the first session camp this summer. I think he was just afraid to ask to go to the bathroom. We talked that night about how no matter where he was or what he was doing he could tell a teacher and they would take him to the bathroom. That seemed to help. (or what OK said!) Sweet, sweet Riley. I hate when I get all rushed in the morning and holler about putting on pants or brushing teeth. It kills me. Thanks for this post…

Sounds like you are doing everything right to me. I’ll echo some of the previous commenters and say that it will happen when it happens. Little boys are tough to train, and in my opinion Riley is ahead of the curve. My son was just past his 4th birthday before he could reliably be trusted without Pull-ups. *sigh*

Oh, your kid is nearly potty-trained? Ummm…oh. I guess I should consider something other than diapers for my kid sometime soon. We still poop and pee in our pants ’round here. Frankly, I’m not in a hurry to have to find a bathroom Every Single Time we leave the house (but I am very selfish and lazy) so I’ve been procrastinating about this whole “potty-training” business.

Also, Pete’s comment was HILARIOUS. I can totally see trying that tactic.

And also. Hotdogs.

Just keep talking to him and let him talk about it (esp. if the unfortunate incidents upset him so much.)

We would cheer and practically throw a party when he did his stuff in the toilet.

We also make sure that before bed, after nap and every morning before we leave for work that he is offered the potty if he has not gone himself.

He has developed this little dance so it is pretty obvious when he needs to go but before that I just would ask almost every hour whether he needed to go or not.

Everything will come together and he will be okay!

Just…patience. It can take a while. Especially for boys with infant siblings it seems. My daughter trained herself around 2.5 (a FAR different experience than we had with my older son), but now she’s too BUSY to go and we have multiple accidents a day (she’s 3.5). I feel your frustration.

Sounds like you’re on the right track. When my oldest son, now 6, started kindergarten, he started having poop accidents….A LOT! A couple of times he came home and I could tell it had happened some time earlier. He goes to a great private school, very small, and I was overwhelmed that no one had noticed. At first my husband and I were comforting, “accidents happen”, “just tell someone and they’ll help you”, sent extra undies in his backpack, flushable wipes to make it easier for him to clean up himself, talked to all of the teachers, after school peeps……….but it just kept happening. My husband was getting exasperated and I was feeling horribly that he was going to become the stinky kid at school. I never thought to ask my doctor, but happened to mention it when we were in his office with my younger son. He told me to bring him in right away and it turns out he had something called Chronic Childhood Constipation which seems to hit boys more than girls and is usually triggered by a stressful situation (like starting a new school away from the comforts of his lovable pre-school) Doesn’t sound like that’s what you’re facing, but just keep it in the back of your mind! And be patient. #2 son is 3 1/2 and doing great with accidents only on a very rare occassion. hang in there….shit happens!

Oh my gosh, it’s a long process. My daughter is the same age as Riley, and she JUST started getting through the day reliably without accidents–after working on it for 4 months. The worst was when we were in a really fancy bookstore, and she called across the stacks, “Mommy, am I wearing a diaper?” We both knew she wasn’t…tragically. You just have to stick with it, be patient and encouraging, like you are. Toward the end of the process, the magic bullet for us was telling her she’d get a Tinkerbell doll after 5 days without an accident. It took her about three weeks to accomplish that, and ever since then she has been accident free. Weird! Good luck. It’s no fun.

OMG, last night I was “breaking his heart” and “ruining his life” for yelling at him for taking the hose and turning the backyard into a giant mud puddle. Oh the trauma. Oh the drama. And I was the one out there in my work clothes hosing him off. And then I wasn’t “taking care of” him because I had to change clothes before we could sit and cuddle. Jeez. He’s five and recovering from autism, but sometimes I think he’s a teenager and a baby all rolled up into one.

Today I punched the air over the back of my 3 year old’s head. He was making me furious and even though he didn’t see it, I felt awful for doing it. I think when you yell at them and feel bad about it, you should use it as an opportunity to show that you can apologize and have it be over. And by you, I mean, you know, all of us.

I have no personal experience potty training but could he take a break from underwear at day care and wear pull ups and that would remove some of the pressure? I know sometimes it takes a while, good luck and I think kindness and reassurance will go a longer way than threats of bodily harm but maybe that goes without saying.

Do you know how they handle the accidents at school? Max has poop accidents a lot. At his regular school, he wasn’t traumatized, but at his summer daycare he was (and I actually pulled him from there). So hard with the little guys. :-(

Pete, do you have a blog? Your comments are consistently hilarious.

You know you have support when people you don’t even know from the internet world are willing to send you a note to say hang in there! It will get better. My son took a long time to potty train. Every child is different. Sometimes we forget that these are little people and they need extra time and care. I felt like the biggest ass when I screamed at my son to open the door to leave for school and he turned and looked at me fully bundled for the winter weather with mittens on and calmly said I cant turn the door knob. Yeah – not mother of the year that day.

My daughter was having accidents at stores (embarrassing, yeah) and places she didn’t go to very often. I *finally* figured out that whenever we go somewhere, I have to explain that there is a potty and show her where it is. Poor girl, she thought there wasn’t a place to go. Fortunately, this, too shall pass. The “I’m sorry” kills me. My kids used to do that, too. Now, my son will jump right in and say, “It’s okay, Malyn. It’s okay. Accidents happen.”
So cute.
At least Dylan will have a role model when HIS turn comes to train.

Linda – I just read your clarification – you should really talk to the teachers at the daycare. I am certain they have been through this many many times with children in their care. Ask them what they have done in the past and what you can do to help Riley have successful potty experiences at school. I’m sure they have suggestions.

I don’t know if you are doing anything wrong really. Yes, i can empathize, its totally stressful and embarrassing and traumatizing to your little man.

I nannied for a little boy for 3 years and around age 3 he seemed prepared for the potty and peed like a champ, almost every time, but at some point he accidentally pooped in the potty, having previously only pooped while sleeping somehow, and it was a huge poop, it scared the shit (pun intended) out of him and he was so terrified he didn’t poop AT ALL for almost two weeks. despite promises of candy, Thomas trains, and a fruit based diet.
when he did go, it was messy and again traumatizing.
His mom had no idea what to do either. She just kept up with the positive reinforcement and i guess he eventually figured out that it was ok to poop. (oh and this is gross, but she started having her husband show the boy his poops in the potty after he had gone to show that yes, all boys do it and its usually quite a lot, weird and gross, but seemed to help).
He is now 4, and has no problems, so best of luck and patience and hopefully he just grows out of it.

(though having JB show his poop would be very entertaining i’m sure and also sure that JB would very much be into this disgusting idea…)

Oh, man. I’ve got ZERO advice but I sure do feel for you and Riley (and parents and kids EVERYWHERE for that matter.) I can’t imagine anything harder/worse than potty training. Poor little kids! I imagine that short of walking and talking, using the potty is one of the hardest things they have to learn.

As someone who once suffered FOR YEARS (sigh)with Potty Issues, I promise that one day you will all look back on this and laugh. I can also guarantee that Riley will be just fine, even if it doesn’t seem that way now. It sounds like you guys are doing an incredible job and are being very patient. That’s all you can do, you know?

I work at a daycare and for the kids that are potty training, we make sure to take them to the potty every thirty minutes and have them at least try. When we are proactive like that, we tend to get more success and they feel more confident, and regular potty breaks just become a normal routine. So maybe suggesting that to the teachers if they aren’t already doing it?

I’ve worked in daycare with both preschoolers (3s and 4s) and school-age kids. All kids really *do* have accidents; this is not a comforting lie you are perpetuating. Generally kids stop having #2 accidents in preschool, but #1 accidents particularly continue up through first grade (they’re pretty rare, but it’s not abnormal). If you think teachers are patient, then that’s great; they should be. One thing is that they should probably be *insisting* that he “try” at break times, whether or not he thinks he has to go. Often then kids will go a little and thus not get to that Mission Critical stage where an accident is likely. I’m hoping for all the best. Fingers crossed!

Geez, I’m sorry and so, so with you. I made the decision to change day care due in part to a potty training accident that happened at school and literally scared my kid out of wearing underwear for MONTHS. so frustrating. That wasn’t the only thing with the school, just the proverbial straw on the camel’s back. but the new school doesn’t start for a few weeks and she’s literally crying every morning that she wants to stay home with me and wow is that hard to then drop her off to the wolves. I got no advice for you, sorry, just sympathy. Do you have any sense if the accidents are truly accidents or if he is purposely going in his pants for attention/opportunity to wear diapers/some other reason? Might affect your response…we’ve had a few of each type of dirty pants around here and I try to be less consoling when I know it wasn’t an accident…

Not a day goes by that I don’t yell at my 2 year old. I mean really yell at her- she never ever ever never stands still for diaper changes. She will not look at me when I brush her teeth (ever tried brushing teeth when they’re not looking at you??). There are more examples but I can’t think of them at the moment. I’ve tried the softly softly approach and I swear she must be deaf in both ears because she doesn’t respond. So after a couple of hours of no, wait, stop, stand still, come here, almost done, no no no don’t move, wait! wait! wait one moment! I end up blowing a gasket and I shout. What can I say I really do try but did I mention she’s TWO!! It’s a pretty shitty age. All I can say is if she’s still like this when she’s four can someone please for the love of god shoot me in the head?!??!! I do feel like shit afterwards, what can you do?! In the morning she still wakes up with a huge grin and hugs and kisses me good morning- that goes a long way to assuaging any guilt I have.

It sounds like you’ve got lots of good advice so I’ve got nothing to add except what my friend once told me: your child will not enter kindergarten not potty-trained. In other words, don’t sweat it; it will happen.

My son was a quick learner in re the whole Not Soiling His Pants dealio, and I’m wondering if maybe the advice I got right at the start helped superspeed his progress?

Daniel would hang on all day if necessary, and would wait to poop in his sleep nappy, and every time I cleaned him up, I offered encouragement and advice and told him all about big boys who pooped in the potty.

Seeings as how all his pooping was going on while wearing a catchment device, I knew he knew what to do, which made it a little frustrating that he wasn’t doing it.

So I asked his daycare providers what they thought might help.

They suggested I do NOTHING when faced with a righteous dump. I mean, clean him up (duh) but do nothing emotionally.

Don’t acknowledge the “accident”, is what they advised, and avoid providing reassurance that what they’ve done is okay.

Seriously.

The reasoning behind this was that reassuring them “it’s okay” and that it was “an accident” kind of teaches them that it kind of ISN’T okay.

Because if it WAS okay, we wouldn’t have to tell them it WAS.

And this can stress them out because all they really want to do is keep us happy.

Additionally, any reassurance beyond “it’s okay” reinforces not only that it’s NOT okay, but that THISWASABIGMISTAKE!OMGOMGOMG!!

Keep it calm, is what they said, don’t apportion an emotion or a judgement to the experience, and don’t even TALK about pooping in the potty. They know what to do and where to do it, it’s just a matter of taking the pressure off the little ones, and then waiting.

So I stopped encouraging Daniel to poop in the potty, and stopped reassuring him that all kids make mistakes, it’s only time and bla bla BLA, and stopped acknowledging pretty much everthing poop related.

And he really DID learn to not crap his pants amazingly fast after that.

So maybe ask your daycare providers what they think might help? Even discuss the ideas you’ve got here with them? Because they not only know Riley well, they have a wealth of knowledge they can apply to what they know of him.

You’ve got tons of advice, and I wouldn’t know any anyway, so I say Good Luck!

i have no kids…. i have a dog. she has anxiety, pretty badly. i KNOW dogs and kids are not equal, but i’m just sayin’: at when i’ve brought her to a party, or some other social event, and i have made sure she’s gone immediately before and maybe even twice before, she has promptly gone into the house somewhere and crapped–in another room, because she knows she shouldn’t do that. horrifying and embarrassing for both of us, i think. and this is a dog who potties on command at home and can hold it like no other.
so maybe for riley it’s the anxiety of “performing” away from a comfortable environment, in a busy place, where it’s easy to forget what the “rules” are. i can only imagine how sad it is to hear “i’m sorry.” that broke my heart! i can remember having accidents as a kid myself, and it is upsetting. but we all manage to get through it!! he will too.
ps: you are not a bad mom. everyone loses their temper. he still loves you lots.

Auh, poor guy. When my oldest was potty training I just kept him in pullups until he was accident free for three weeks. To help him feel like he was progressing, I didput regular big boy underwear over top of the pullups. This seems to really work.

Don’t beat yourself up. It can all become so much, so easily.

Didn’t you just start potty training like 3 weeks ago? You are brave to send him in undies already. Or maybe I’m just a chicken, since we’re one month in and still using Pull-Ups most of the time. He’s got the peeing pretty much down, it’s the poops that we’re not quite there with.

So, maybe try Pull-Ups for daycare use, until he’s pretty well accident-free? My own kid’s preschool requires them for the potty-training set.

I remember when I once worked in a daycare, and honestly I now think I was way too young for the job … I was like 17 … and some kid pooped his pants, and I remember him crying over it, probably because I inadvertently made him feel bad about it. I had some ungodly number of kids to take care of and diapers to change, and I was in a big hurry to get back to the roomful of total chaos I was responsible for, and I’m sure I wasn’t as nice about the accident as I should have been. I sure hope I didn’t mess him up for a good long time with whatever I said (or didn’t say).

My point being, potty training in day care can be rough.

“Don’t let the Freudian psychologists make you afraid to help your son.”

wtf did this come from?

*looks hard, can’t see a single Freudian psychologist*

Did you ever read “the girlfriend’s guide to pregnancy” When I read your blog, sometimes I feel it sould be called, “the girlfriend’s guide to toddlerhood” These are things that happen to EVERY mom, but seem to just keep them on the hush hush. I love that you are writing about it and able to find the humor. (probably didn’t come out right, but that was totally a compliment. maybe I should have just written, thanks for writing!)

He will get it, really. Just give it time, as trite as that sounds. He is doing great for his age, in my opinion.

Hugs to you for a bad day as well. I know all too well that feeling you describe about doing less by your child than you should. My husband is at a work conference all week and this single-parent gig is taxing my maternal reserves. sigh.

I have no advice as my only kids are canine. But I did get peed on by a not quite housebroken beagle puppy some time after half past a million o’clock about 4 yrs ago. It was the dead of winter, our patio door was frozen shut, and the beagley one wriggled under my arm and soaked my bathrobe with warm and stinky liquid.

However, you have a tough job. Actually jobs. You’re maintaining your corporate career, your writing career, your mom career and your wife career at the same time. How ’bout giving yourself a break, do something special with Riley tonight and move on. Chances are he already has moved on.

Sometimes I wish I could just call you on the phone because you go through all the same things as me… and we could really dish on this stuff and work it all out.

Jacob (2 1/2) is in daycare full time and potty training as well. It’s hard because things at school are different than at home. It is hard to make everything 100% consistent. I don’t think there is anything else you could be doing. I have to constantly remind myself that potty training is a process and those people that say their kids trained in two days are full of crap.
(he he!)

As for feeling like you transgressed when you lost patience with Riley because you were annoyed with the overall climate in your house… is something I feel on a regular basis. Especially now that I am pregnant.

Last week Jacob had a few accidents so I got all impatient and told him that I am just going to have to put him back in diapers. Sure enough after his bath he got a diaper and started to cry that he has to wear diapers because he peed in his underwear. The kid totally called my bluff. I can’t tell you how bad I felt knowing that he believes every single word I say. Choosing our words and reactions are a huge responsibility. As mothers we can build those kids up or tear them down in one annoyed, overly casual remark. Scary, huh? Never thought I would have that kind of power. We just have to do our best and forgive ourselves when we mess up. We also have to ask our kids for forgivness too.

Have a great day!

Not advice per say, but it took us a looooooooong time, a loooooong time to get C fully trained, so be prepared for this process to last a while. And even now, when he is playing and doesn’t want to give up the toy, we’ll have accidents. We stress at school that he needs to let the teacher know what toy he had as he is leaving for the bathroom so he can (hopefully) get it back and be more willing to take breaks.