I have fallen off the diet wagon in a big way the last few days, as evidenced by multiple servings of birthday cake, a variety of Trader Vic’s pupu-pork-products, a pizza I cooked as a special treat in the hopes Riley would deign to eat a slice with me (he did not) (the boy is in a survive-on-air-and-Goldfish-crackers stage, which is making me bugfuck crazy along with nearly everything else having to do with being three years old), a Cupcake Royale cupcake the size of my head, and for tonight’s healthful dinner, a grilled peanut butter and banana sandwich, just like big fat painkiller-stuffed Elvis used to like.

Right. So, renewed commitment is needed, immediately. Starting right now! Brisk clap! Otherwise, it will be a matter of days until I’m exploding out of my clothes and I just took the last of my too-baggy outfits to Goodwill. Imagine the craptastic feeling of having to buy new stuff in the same size I thought I’d kicked to the curb.

I’d blame my backsliding on PMS, because I think it may be that Special Lady Time, but (and, um, this is where you stop reading if you are a boy or a coworker or some embarrassing combination of those two attributes) ever since I got this Mirena IUD I can never tell if I have my period or not. I mean, there’s a certain amount of evidence that occasionally makes an appearance, but there’s this issue of light spotting, too, and they’re basically the same sort of — ah, anyway, when my doctor told me about this magical IUD that basically got rid of your period I was all, WOO NO MORE TAMPAX, but in reality it’s not gone altogether, it’s just reduced and unpredictable. There are definite benefits to never having those Supersized Days, if you know what I mean, but this namby-pamby peekaboo menstrual cycle business has me all screwed up, like I’m wearing a broken watch. I suppose for some people it would be disconcerting to never get that full assurance that you’re not pregnant, too. Myself, I find that small children make for excellent birth control and a renewed appreciation for the blow job.

HI! IT’S TOO MUCH INFORMATION DAY! WELCOME!

In other news, we hit upon a fantastic solution for that miserable post-dinner pre-bedtime witching hour, which is that we head out for a walk with Dylan in the stroller and Riley in his bike with the push handle. Before we got that bike (it’s a Radio Flyer that looks a bit like this) our walks were a meandering, snail-paced affair, with Riley spending half the outing arguing about having to hold our hands in the street and the other half riding on JB’s shoulders, but now we can cruise the neighborhood at a decent clip. The kids are wholly entertained and distracted, and JB and I can actually bullshit uninterrupted for twenty minutes at a time. Bliss! Oh, it’s the little things, it really is.

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Ash
Ash
15 years ago

Periods suck! I have just changed pill, and hey presto… constant light periods. Enough to sain, but annoying with the tampx. Grr… Another visit to the doctor… again!

Anyway..Enough with the TMI.

You are doing so well with your diet. I am so envious! you look better then me, and im minus the 2 children. People always fall off the wagon. The tough thing is getting back on it. Good luck! Sometimes maintainence is harder than the actual dieting.

BRash
BRash
15 years ago

I have had grilled sandwiches; I have had peanut butter sandwiches. WHY have I never had a grilled peanut butter sandwich.

I have seen the light.

Mary
15 years ago

I have had a Mirena for six years, and love it. However it does baffle me, when PMS strikes out of the blue, because I never know what’s happening. WHY am I screaming like a banshee? WHY do I want to kill my husband? Oh, wait…

Jess
Jess
15 years ago

cat litter tastes better than rice cereal…..or so I’ve heard.

Regarding your diet wagon…you have been an inspiration and now more so that I know you are human and had a few treats. You’ll be fine.

Jennifer
15 years ago

Today, after a particularly bad day at work I came home and inhaled 3/4 of a brick of cream cheese. We all deserve a break now and again, don’t we? DON’T WE?

I need to cut said breaks out of my life as I am exploding out of everything I own. But you? You look amazing! Cut yourself some slack, tomorrow is another day, you’ll get back on track in no time, blah, blah, blah.

So I received my very own copy of ‘Turbo Jam’ the other day and I have a question. Did it take you a while to um, get used to the pace because GODDAMN does Chalene move at lightning speed! Also? Her fellow worker-outers? Way too happy. TELL ME IT GETS EASIER.

Lesley
Lesley
15 years ago

Re excursion into grilled peanut butter and banana territory, I believe Elvis would follow that with 52 double-bacon-cheeseburgers sloshed down with full cal coke and a few lines, so you’ve a ways to go before you plunge the 57 stories from his wagon.

You’ve accomplished so much with weight loss and muscle gain, it will take more than few days of breakin’ habits to reverse what you’ve achieved. You’re allowed an occasional week of head-sized cupcakes, and really what good are cup-cakes if they aren’t big!

I’ve discovered a new treat that sorta helps the cravings for Ben & Jerry’s. Eat Right fat free frozen vanilla yogurt (so vanilla-y it tastes like ice cream) spooned over frozen or fresh organic blueberries with five pecans crumbled on top. It’s super good and very low in calories.

I’m also sold on Jillian Michaels’ 30 day Shred DVD. Each workout is 20 minutes of butt kicking but once you’ve done your 20 minutes, you’re finished for the day. There are three levels: beginner, intermediate and advanced, but the beginner level is not for newbies to exercise. It’s a killer. I have never sweated and groaned more in my life getting through that beginner workout and TurboJam’s a breeze for me now, so I figure I’m a good example of someone who is not a beginner to exercise. That said, the work out is relatively easy to tolerate because she focuses just minutes at a time on each segment of strength, cardio, and ab work. It’s like intense circuit training (3 minutes of strength, 2 minutes of cardio, 1 minute of ab work, repeated several times). She claims that combination done intensely on rotation gets the best calorie burn and changes your shape more quickly. I’m noticing a difference and it’s only been a week. Anyway, just thought I’d pass that along.

Lesley
Lesley
15 years ago

P.S. Jennifer, if it’s any consolation, I was a total clodhopper when I started TurboJam. The moves do get easier with practice and before you know it you’ll be on automatic pilot. (Chalene makes a weeny mistake in the middle of Punch Kick and Jam and I always get a kick out of doing it right during that five seconds she’s missing a step.)

Swistle
15 years ago

Birth control options suck. In fact, the whole reproductive system is pretty poorly designed if you ask me.

Jennifer
Jennifer
15 years ago

I started the depo shot a few months ago and I love it. No period no spotting I’m in heaven. And grilled peanut butter sandwiches are the best! But I don’t like bananas so I leave them off.

I’ve been thinking about turbo jam but i can’t bring myself to spend that much money when I consistently give up on DVDs. I bought the 30 day Shred a few weeks ago, did about 6 days, got bored and quit. I need something that will seriously motivate me.

beach
beach
15 years ago

Girl you crack me up!…I dare your to post that iud/blow job segment on parent dish(I know you resigned, but hey, guest post perchance)….and watch some heads explode!!

Eric's Mommy
Eric's Mommy
15 years ago

My son is 6 and didn’t eat a damn thing until recently! Now he eats like a pig!! He eats so much, it is unbelievable.

“renewed appreciation for the blow job” that killed me!!!!!!!!

tash
15 years ago

Brilliant post – I’m with “Eric’s Mommy” – renewed appreciation for the blow job – hahahaha! My cousin used to come over and play with mine for an hour or so and then thank me when she was leaving with a sigh, “Ahh, the best birth control. No longer broody!”

And everyone falls off the wagon. I’m trying to crawl back on!

Nichole
15 years ago

I’m trying to adjust to the Mirena, too. I think it’s made my PMS worse. I feel like a lunatic for a few days before I realize what’s causing it.

Sabine
15 years ago

I’m right there with you on the ground, I’ve blown my diet right out the window for the last week (ok, I guess pushing two weeks really). It is definately almost my “Special Lady Time” (which, HAAAA), but I am trying to reign myself in. Every time I wanted to raid the fridge last night I thought long and hard about having to pull the size 6 pants out of the back of the closet when I have just barely gotten myself into a brand new size 4 wardrobe. It’s true what they say, maintenence is the hardest part.

Thanks Lesley for posting about the Jillian Michaels DVD, I’ve been contemplating adding it to my repetoire and now I think I will.

diane
diane
15 years ago

Ooohhh. more rave reviews for Jillian Michael’s DVD…she makes it totally do-able while kicking your ass.
I think sometimes I do them just so I can have the grilled Peanut Butter and banana later.

Miz
Miz
15 years ago

Namby-Pamby…Did anyone else immediately think of the classic movie Drop Dead Fred?
:)

jamie
15 years ago

So my Mirena IUD recently expired and had to be removed, and now my period is back. Yippee. I actually find myself longing for the endless days of unpredictable brown crud.

Sorry for oversharing. At least I didn’t get out my zoloft pom-poms…

MRW
MRW
15 years ago

I love TMI day! My doctor has been talking up the Mirena IUD and I’ve been on the fence about it. On the one hand no heavy days. On the other unexplained patches of being a ranging chocolate hoovering bitch. At least these days I know it’s PMS (after the fact, sure, but better late than thinking I’ve gone over the edge for good).

Also wanted to thank other commenters for the Jillian Micheal’s Shred recommendation. Have been enjoying Turbo Jam, but some variety is good – will try Shred.

Shanna @ Fabulous and Frazzled

Oh sweet little Mirena, how you f*ck with me. I have never had reliable periods but now that I don’t get them at all, my senses are fried. I generally don’t have too many moody issues (related to PMS at least) so when they flare up I just don’t know what is wrong with me!! Plus, since having a “surprise, you’re pregnant” moment the first time around I am now more paranoid about being pregnant than when I was young and stupid!! Oh and I can only wish I were simply slipping up in my diet, I have been starting to eat better for years now and never really gotten to the execution part of the deal! Oh well!

Junni
Junni
15 years ago

Um, yeah we’re gonna need to see that bike in action. Photo op!

Junni
Junni
15 years ago

Um, yeah we’re gonna need to see that bike in action. Photo op!

Junni
Junni
15 years ago

Damn, sorry for the double-comment.

Angela
Angela
15 years ago

I will join in with the TMI…I also have a Mirena, and for the first 6 months, I was still regular, but it was very light spotting and it would last for TWO WEEKS. Ugh. When I hit the 6 month mark, no spotting, no nothing. I buy a pregnancy test every couple of months just to make sure.

ML
ML
15 years ago

I’ve actually been meaning to tell you about the Shred DVD, too.

I heard about it on the Weight Watchers message boards and let me tell you…the combo of two kids, summer break, perpetually screwed up hormones/Armageddon PMS and the 20 minutes (26 really) of shredding and it actually is doable to fit in and feel saner (more sane?).

Even though I get the peanut gallery commenting on how red mom’s face is getting and how mom looks like she’s going to puke etc. I have been shocked at how it kicked my toning and strength up a serious notch.

I’ve actually, in two weeks of shreding, lost a half inch almost everywhere and I already was a 5 – 6 x’s a week exerciser.

It’s made for moms, I swear. But hooo, boy you will sweat.

Anyways – I’ve wanted to tell you, because I owe you for many pick me ups in my own health journey!

Pirata
15 years ago

Ha ha! I had TMI day on my blog today too.

Lina
15 years ago

If misery truly does love company, just last night I dutifully ordered my grilled chicken and steamed veggies, then suddenly found myself elbow-deep in the disgusting grease bomb that is the blooming onion. Ick. Why does falling off the diet wagon have to taste so good?????

Will be an extra long run today…

Lesley
Lesley
15 years ago

For those of you who are sold on the Shred, like moi, you might also be keen on Jackie Warner’s Workout DVD. It’s a butt kicker and follows the same principles (strength+cardio=results). Her DVD offers three 20 minute workouts: 1. lower body 2. upper body 3. abs. Each one done alone is a good workout and she’s tough. I got glued to her Bravo show from Season 1. Not sure if she’ll be doing another show. Jillian and Jackie have similar personalities and I like their “army” approach. Jillian: “I’ve got 400 pound clients who can do jumping jacks. If they can do it, so can you. No modifications!” Har!

tanya
tanya
15 years ago

I love TMI day. It’s stupid to pretend that that stuff doesn’t matter too. Myself I’ve found the IUD, the regular one, to have been a lifesaver – no real difference in the periods aside from the cramping is kind of worse, but the peace of mind is fantastic and I love not f-ing myself up with hormones to have it.

My poor roommate on the other hand has found her IUD to seriously increase the cramps, but her periods, which were on a lovely 3 week cycle, haven’t changed as she’d hoped they might. I plan on staying Alpha Dog in the house and not succumbing to her cycle – so far we’re maintaining our own cycles. Must both be Alpha Dogs.

how’s THAT for TMI?

trackback

[…] 6, 2008 Tension Headache Posted by monkeyinasuit under Uncategorized   This entry from All & Sundry hithome-except remove “couple of days” to “couple of months”. Wasn’t I supposed to be in bikini shape by now? I bought the tartiest monokini off Victoria’s Secret last weekend because I realise what I really need is the motivation of seeing myself look better in something progressively. And right now I fit in all my clothes. […]

monkey
15 years ago

Oh man, at least you noticed you were off the wagon after a couple of days. Want to know how long I’ve been off? TWO MONTHS. But I had a solid 8 months of hardcore working out to buffer me. Still, those size 4s that were loose? Now fit again.

It bugs me because I know that for me to be the size I like I have to work at it everyday and I wonder how I could do it if I didn’t have the World’s Easiest Law Job (i’m a fed).

I just wanted to let you know that I come here for sticking-to-workout inspiration. I mean, you do it with 2 kids so I have no excuse (I’m single with a one-eyed cat). I also relate to how hard you work at it. I’m one of those people who can take it off pretty easily (I need only a 1 week lead time before I start dropping pounds). But I put it on almost as quickly! Annoying.

So I just ordered this from VS because my boyfriend and I are going to Belize right after New Year’s Eve-wish me luck!

http://www2.victoriassecret.com/commerce/application/prodDisplay/?namespace=productDisplay&origin=onlineProductDisplay.jsp&event=display&prnbr=9C-221146&page=1&cgname=OSSWMTRNMNK&rfnbr=5087

monkey
15 years ago

Oh crap, I’m sorry about that link-I don’t know how to embed them in comments.

Holly
15 years ago

I was on Loestrin for years and it cost me a FORTUNE in pregnancy tests. No period at all, except for once a year completely at random and without warning. Once, it popped up for the first time in eons at the start of a 13 hour flight to London. Fun!

I’ve switched to Yaz. I get periods and the cramps are so bad that my fiance actually was woken one night by me CRYING IN MY SLEEP, but you know, they help with the mood swings and my skin looks amazing lately, so it all evens out.

Must Be Motherhood
15 years ago

So the miserable post-dinner, pre-bedtime hour does not live solely in my head?! This is excellent news. And the running into the street for kicks/whining about being on Daddy’s SHOULDAZZZ! is not only characteristic to MY toddler?
Gotta love the internet on days like this.

Krissa
Krissa
15 years ago

I’m not on BC or an IUD – but something that has helped dramatically with the monthly annoyance of heavy, long periods? the diva cup. (divacup.com).
You have to be pretty comfy with yourself down there, but once you get the hang of inserting it, it is AMAZING. No more running to change a tampon, no more worrying if I’m leaking – and my cramps are lighter, though I don’t know how to explain that one.
The best part is that, because it doesn’t screw up your delicate flower’s fragile PH balance, you can wear it when you’re not on your period and it doesn’t just suck all the moisture out of your inner bits.
I haven’t bought or used a tampon in 8 months. Heaven in a tiny cup!

justmouse
15 years ago

Personally, i am done with having kids…forever. my husband had the snip, and i only take a bc pill now to regulate my periods and prevent cramping that feels like my uterus is trying to dig its way out with a rusty spoon. i’m pretty sure a hysterectomy would do me fine. unfortunately, unless you have cancer or something equally as horrible, it’s not something your doctor will happily sign you up for. also, (even if i did find a physician who would ok it)because it would be elective, i would have to pay for it out of my own pocket. fair enough…except that i barely have money for food and rent these days, so i guess random unnecissary medical procedures are out.

as for falling off the diet wagon…i’m pretty sure that wagon left without me about 34 years ago.

Leticia
Leticia
15 years ago

I love those evening walks. Now that my daughter is a little older she rides her tricycle. I push the baby (15 month old) on a little Stage 2 Car with a handle that he LOVES. It is so fun and way more enjoyable.

By the way, I swear I’m not trying to sound like a ParentDisher…BUT, at one sermon at church one week (i know, hear me out..) the preacher made us all raise our hands above our heads (straight up) and keep them there for about 5 minutes while he talked. Then he told us that’s kind of what your kids feel like when you force them to walk with you holding your hand. Its not fun. It was a message in stepping in one another’s shoes.

Anyway, it kind of help to put things in perspective so that I don’t immediately want to strangle my daughter when she starts whining. (By the way, it only delays strangulation thoughts for a second, they come back briefly after. :o))

Make sure you post about how you like the DVD once you get it. Good luck. I’m loving TurboJam, but its still kicking my butt.

Katherine
Katherine
15 years ago

I say take the snips to JB, yank that thing outta there, and get thee to a good accupuncturist. Seriously, after 30 years of horrendous periods (almost 20 of them on BCs just for that) and some nasty fibroids making their contribution, I’m now living hormone free (except for my own, of course) and having the kind of periods I read were “normal” but had never experienced. I see my accu once a month and she keeps me balanced.

ML
ML
15 years ago

Lesley – I will now be one-clicking! Thank you for the Jackie Warner tip. I swear it’s something about the “20 minutes” that makes me think I can do that even when my kids are manifesting. So when you wrote that I was all over it…especially for our 10 month winters here in the PNW when running outside involves too much wet for me.

Linda- tell us what you think of shredding! Every time I’ve done it I’ve thought I would love to hear your take on it! (Evil cackle…) First three days I would shake like a catholic school girl every time I finished!

Mychal
Mychal
15 years ago

This has nothing to do with your post, but when I saw this video, I thought of you. Didn’t you guys stay at an Extended Stay hotel once? You might find this video amusing, or disgusting.

http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/funny_pages_20/2008/08/extended-stay-r.html

Pete
Pete
15 years ago

Just found a great diet book, ordered mine today. Lucky I have the cast iron skillet already.

ISBN:0806528680

Enjoy!!

She Likes Purple
15 years ago

Whoa, whoa. Peanut butter isn’t healthy? I refuse to believe you.

Lesley
Lesley
15 years ago

Apparently peanut butter is healthy minus the bread, the bananas, the grilling, and/or frozen cream with chocolate chips and brownie chunks. Pity.

Linda, thanks to your mention of it, I’m trying that 100 pushups challenge. Am on week three and there is no way in hell I’m going to be able to do 100 consecutive pushups in another three weeks. Is there? (Maybe if “good form” doesn’t count.)

Trashy
15 years ago

“Myself, I find that small children make for excellent birth control and a renewed appreciation for the blow job.”

Linda, have I told you lately, that I love you.

Sonia
15 years ago

Ah yes, the diet of a little kid. My son has been surviving on peanut butter and air for oh….. 6 of his 7 years. :-) Once in awhile he’ll go a little wild and have some cheese or something.

My doctor talked up the Mirena too….I was too skeered. I’m on Yaz, and my second degree (YES, that’s like a BLACK BELT) PMS has eased up considerably. But like a commenter before me, the cramps are wicked. It’s a fair trade to get nasty cramps vs explaining my head spinning 360 degrees to my family.

Erin
Erin
15 years ago

ehh TMI is good at times. Interesting Mirena info there…. was thinking it might be a thought but maybe not!
SO happy to have “found” your writing!

Beth
Beth
15 years ago

I am still LOL’ing at “renewed appreciation for the blowjob.”

A-MEN! I too have found this appreciation in the wake of my first baby for the same reasons. As you say, it’s the little things. :)

Erin
15 years ago

I might go out and buy that tricycle RIGHT NOW.

Jen
Jen
15 years ago

Just had to throw my 2 cents in about the Mirena…I’ve now had one for almost 2 years and spent the first 15 months dealing with the constant, unpredictable, SUPER GODDAMN annoying spotting. After the 3rd visit to the OB/GYN, he finally said…well, maybe we can put you on a low dose pill for a few months to try to “reset your system” and sent me on my merry way with a few sample packs. Since taking it for 3 months, I really have been reset and have had no further bleeding….and I am happy with the IUD. Just something to toss by your MD next time you see her/him.

Also…I love your writing…primarily your honesty about dealing with a 3 year old. My daughter just turned 3 and is driving me absolutely crazy right now with these temper tantrums from hell. Makes me want to sit her out by the road with a “free to good home” sign around her neck! :)