If you don’t hear from me for a few days it’s because I have died. Or possibly I will be in jail for husband-cide, since JB is leaving for over a WEEK on a business trip to China which includes an extra couple of days to hike the Great Wall. I’m very happy for him, except for the part where I sort of hope he gets explosive diarrhea.

Oh, ha ha, not really. Maybe just a bad case of gas.

He’s flying business class, too, which completely erodes any sense of sympathy I might have had about such a long flight. “Northwest doesn’t even have first class,” he told me, all disgusted and woe-is-me. Isn’t that a SHAME, he only gets a Barcalounger, an IV drip of champagne, and caviar shoveled into his mouth by sinewy, cat-eyed flight attendants named Osana — what a HUMAN TRAGEDY it is to fly business class.

I’ll be sure to think sorrowfully on his plight when I’m washing up the aftermath of my seventh shit diaper of the day and eating a sleeve of Saltines over the kitchen sink.

His parents are coming to stay for a few days, which is going to be an enormous help and offload some of the crushing loneliness, and I suppose I can take solace in the fact that I can rent all the zombie movies I want without having someone moan about how these aren’t fast zombies are they oh my god I hate the fast ones (HELLO? Once you go fast, you never go back), but hoo boy, I foresee some long days ahead.

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Oh sure, they LOOK innocent, but you know they are plotting my downfall. Someone’s going to develop an ear infection/barfing disease/painful new tooth this week, don’t you think? LET’S TAKE BETS.

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Swistle
13 years ago

I think the little sweetie-kissykins looking one is going to do the barfing, and the slightly-less-little calm little helper is going to get the screaming ear infection and then fight you on taking each dose of medicine.

Kendra
Kendra
13 years ago

I’d love to place a bet, but I’m still stuck on…fast zombies. Whaaaaaaa?

Karen
Karen
13 years ago

I’m all about positive thinking. Let me demonstrate. You are strong! You can do the 30 day shred, so you laugh (ha ha ha!) at short people terrorizing you with their immune systems or lack thereof. You will eat everything that JB hates, you will take photos for him daily, AND don’t forget the welcome home noogie. Just saying.

Meagan
13 years ago

…is Riley READING???

kelly west mars
kelly west mars
13 years ago

Am totally lovin’ Dylan’s (and Cat’s) sweet delicious neck rolls!

On Day 4 of the Shred BTW. I hobble I’m in so much pain, but I swear I already look more lean + toned. ;)

Mary O
Mary O
13 years ago

I love that Riley is reading Archie comics.
Best of luck during your week alone! I would definitely want to commit husband-cide too, no doubt about it.

Kristi
13 years ago

Oh ya, ya – and also they will produce LOUD OH SO SHRILL simultaneous wails of protest, right when you need to take a business call AND go to the bathroom! Arhghgh!!!!!

Much solidarity coming your way. I think I may be tempted to make a voodoo doll of my husband ACCIDENTALLY twisting his ankle. Oh no, now he’s unable to even go to the Great Wall. What? I said accidentally.

Alyson
13 years ago

You have my sympathy….My DH is going out of town for a couple days, but nothing as exotic as China. My kids are older, so I don’t worry about the sudden illness thing (much). But I DO get to torture them with my mad vegetarian cooking skilz while their dad is gone. Mwah-Ha-Ha! There are some benefits to hubby’s traveling on business.

Scott
13 years ago

Man, I am SO there with you. My wife is out of town in Tokyo for 10 days, while I am home dealing with potty training/financial crises/work schedule from hell. Like you, I have also eaten at least 2+ sleeves of Saltines this week, all of them standing up. Have you been shotgunning Rockstar all day at work because you are so sleepy that you fear driving off the road on your way home? If so, then I may propose that we enroll in some kind of emergency marriage for use during times of mutual spousal absence. Downside: Polygamy, ick. Upside: tag team increases laundry efficiency by 200%.

Sofia made it pretty clear from the outset what kind of a week this was going to be. After the requisite hugs and kisses, the wife stepped out of the door on Monday morning and – I am not even kidding – within 2 seconds Sofia announced that she had pooped in her underwear. I mean, the door was even still open; I hadn’t even have time to close it yet. She has some kind of superhero intuition for ridiculously inconvenient potty emergencies. Why couldn’t she get a heat ray or something?

Lesley
Lesley
13 years ago

Tell JB not to drink ANY milk or milk products when he’s in China.

Btw, wasn’t someone recently in here mentioning the will-crushing hardship of single parenthood? I seem to recall this.

Anji
13 years ago

HOW COME your carpets are always so damn clean, woman? O_o

And what camera and lens do you use for your awesome photographs?

And do you have a good supply of chocolate built up for your upcoming week? ;oP

Jenny H.
13 years ago

My money is on Cat. Cat looks very suspicious, if you ask me. Maybe Cat and Dylan are in cahoots, yeah. Betcha didn’t think about that, didja?!

And on that note I am so going to bed. But I would still keep an eye on Cat.

Kim
Kim
13 years ago

I remember when JB sent you that sweet text at Blogher saying you were superwoman for what you are able to manage when he’s gone. He remembers that weekend too, right? So since he’s going to be gone for over a WEEK, I certainly hope you have a lot lined up for when he gets back – a Marshall’s trip, a mani/pedi, maybe a massage (I may be the only person on earth who doesn’t enjoy them, but hopefully you do) a book store day, etc. You will have accumulated a ton of Wifely Frequent Fight or Flight Mileage by then and I hope he knows you’ll be cashing it in!
Good luck and I hope your kidlings stay illness-free the whole time.

Erin
Erin
13 years ago

Aww I was thinking as I saw the pics… but they LOOK so cute and innocent! Good luck this week

Joanne
13 years ago

I hope everyone stays healthy and that the week goes fast. You are good, there is no way I could do it. I don’t even like when my husband is seconds late getting home from work!

Casey
13 years ago

The kid is reading Archie already? Wow, he’s got an advanced sense of humor. Please don’t mention ear infections again, we’re in the middle of battling two kids with colds and ear infections and I think I’m going to run away from home.
I hope the kids take it easy on you but you’re right, they’re probably plotting something totally evil.

ashley
13 years ago

Just think how much more you will appreciate nap time and bed time!

All Adither
13 years ago

Oh yeah, it’s so hard when the husband leaves.

I hope everyone stays healthy for you.

Maria
13 years ago

My husband is heading to Key West for a week-long business trip the first week of October. Toddler is still teething and I’ll be eight and a half months pregnant.

But now I will think, yikes, at least it’s not China.

Good luck, lady. I hope your little men treat you right.

H
H
13 years ago

Oh, there’s no doubt there will be some kind of illness and I will also throw in high odds of some kind of household emergency. Maybe a broken washer or dryer — not to jinx you or anything, but I swear children and appliances/cars are in cahoots and coordinate their breakdowns. My crisis usually involves a kitchen appliance but since yours are probably new since you recently remodeled so I think you’re safe with those.

H
H
13 years ago

My comment didn’t make sense there – but you know what I mean. I need more coffee before I’m coherent.

seadragon
13 years ago

Your boys are so cute. How could your week alone with them be anything but joyous? Hee, hee. :)

Erin
13 years ago

Longtime reader, first time commenter… only to say that:
1.) You will survive, for sure, but I totally sympathize.
2.) I am kinda with your a-hole business trip-taking, wife-abandoning husband on the fast zombie thing. My husband and I have this argument regularly. My argument is “they are not real zombies if they are FAST, the scary thing about zombies is that they SHAMBLE” but my argument sort of falls apart when we watch one of the fast zombie movies and OMFG those guys are scary. (Sorry, that was a bit of a rant but I share your passion for zombie movies.)

willikat
13 years ago

that picture of Cat and Dylan is so impossibly cute. . .

erin
13 years ago

One of my girls always gets sick the day of or the day after my husband leaves on trips. Only he’s gone for 2 months or more (thank you, Air Force)(not really). So I get to clean up all the puke by myself. It’s great! But I do get to rent all the scary movies I want because he’s not there being whiny baby about being too scared.

Victoria
13 years ago

Good luck, good luck, good luck!

Danell
Danell
13 years ago

Maybe you could get one of these for your yard?

http://www.designtoscano.com/product/more+themes/halloween+decor/the+zombie+of+montclaire+moors+sculpture+-+db383020.do

Sorry, nothing to do with your upcoming week of stress and chaos. Only sympathy for you there.

victoria
victoria
13 years ago

But your kitchen is beautiful. Hey, I was struck by a question yesterday: You don’t do booze OR sugar OR junk food. As far as I can tell, the only “sedative”/mood stabilizer in your life is exercise. Which, WTF. You must be in really, really good mental health (the way you write about your body makes me think that you are). Have you done a lot of work in therapy over the last few years? It’s not like I thought you were in “bad” mental health before — I’ve always thought your writing was brilliant and hilarious — it’s just, dang, woman, you HAVE NO CRUTCHES ANY MORE. How did you get to a place where you need nothing but possibly a little Turbo Jam to get through the day?

Sundry
13 years ago

Victoria: no, no traditional therapy. Haaaate. This blog is my therapy, seriously.

I’ll tell you, though, it is AMAZING what regular exercise does for your brain. Uh, shit, let me clarify: MY brain. My personal brain is personally much much much happier when my body, speaking only personally here, is active.

Ashley
13 years ago

My husband went away for a 5 day biz trip a little while ago and all of our chickens decided it would be a great time to start flying out of their pen. Yeah. Cuz that’s just what you need to be doing at bedtime when you have a cranky toddler and a crying infant. Catching chickens.

Neither kid got sick but I sure felt like leaving the fowl to get eaten by coyotes.

Kelsey
13 years ago

May the force be with you! It is difficult enough to be a single parent when the other is out of town on a completely work-related venture, slightly more difficult when part of it is just pure fun. (Not that you don’t want him to have fun. . .)

Claire
13 years ago

Hang in there; this too shall pass.

anna
13 years ago

Hah! I know what you mean, those days can stretch out a long ways ahead of you with no other adult contact. Good luck!

Niki P
13 years ago

Is it just me or is Cat looking especially girthy these days?
Hang in there- your time will come!

jenB
13 years ago

All the cuteness took away what I was going to say, but I will soldier on. We went to China business class this summer and it was AWESOME, so totally kick his ass. Also, my husband is going to play POKER in Niagara Falls for 6 days in October. Every time it comes up I have to breathe into a paper bag, and I only have ONE kid. But he puts her to bed every night, and now I have too? WTF? I am already letting friends and family know that I will be ALONE IN THE HOUSE with the child, so they can check on me to make sure I am not shoving my head in the sink, the one with the garbarator.

xo

el-e-e
13 years ago

Okay, you had to have posed that shot with Riley reading Archie, right? Or does he really like Archie stories?? Tooooo cute.

We’re having our first ear infection over here, come on, join the Amoxill-colored fun! (Hope not – good luck!)

stephanie parnell
13 years ago

looks like some star shaped pancakes are in the works :)
no bets, my bet will be your week goes much smoother than you anticipated and you plop down with a sigh next to JB when he gets back and say, knock on wood? this week made single parenting look easy.
;)

Krissa
Krissa
13 years ago

My non-parentness is showing – my first thought about that last picture was “Oh my GOSH, her kitchen is beautiful!”
Followed closely by “aww, helper.” But still. I drooled all over your cabinets and countertop, sorry. I’ll clean my mess. :)

Julie
13 years ago

I noticed that Riley, just like my son, has all the requisite boy bumps and bruises on his shins! Have fun this week and good luck! :)

Robin
13 years ago

Forget the diseases, I want to see bets on Cell Phone vs. Monster Truck: Showdown!

ang
ang
13 years ago

Cat is HUGE! And I second the cell phone vs. monster truck. :-)

Erin
13 years ago

Oh, I really sympathize on the husband-out-of-town front. Mine is gone about 50% of the time. Last week I had my inlaws come for a visit while he was out and I found a whole new appreciation of them.

When my husband travels, I also enjoy working more. It’s healthy for me, especially when it’s some of the only interaction I get with other adults.

dorrie
dorrie
13 years ago

I am cackling with not-very-supportive laughter. When my kids were 3 and 1 my husband took a job wherein he was gone for 5 days out of 7 every week. And I have not been the same. Woe. PS Jillian made me her bitch this weekend and i LIKE it.

nonsoccermom
13 years ago

Oh, man. I do not envy you one bit…that sounds very stressful! Good luck with the little ones, and I will keep my fingers crossed that no one comes down with an ear infection/stomach flu/ebola virus.

christina
christina
13 years ago

Where oh where did you get that adorable little sleeper that Dylan is wearing?

Jen W.
13 years ago

Um, I just saw 28 Weeks Later and those are some FAST MoFoing Zombies!!! AHHH IIIEEEE They are so scary.

ML
ML
13 years ago

I love your comment up there. :)

Every single time my husband leaves we have this – puking, puking + the other end exploding, the hot water heater breaking down and flooding my daughter’s room, the kids and I were in a hit and run accident, you name it and it does happen when they leave – I wish someone would write a bestseller about what law in the universe determines this phenomena!

Your group therapy here is here for you. :)

Joy
Joy
13 years ago

Aargh. Feel your pain. After child #2 was born, my husband’s company decided to reorganize and give him different responsibilities that required frequent travel. Brilliant. Meanwhile I stay home with the kids and try not to stick forks in my eyes while he is out of town.

Hope your week goes fast and he brings you back a great Chinese zombie movie to watch.

shane_onegoodie
13 years ago

You can do it! Go for it.

But I would have all emergency numbers – including the vet’s – right by your bedside. That’s just me.

breckgirl
13 years ago

OMG – I SO feel your pain. My husband is going to the fucking British Virgin Islands (aka PARADISE) in late October for 7 days – all for his best friend’s wedding. Of course, we were all invited (him, me, the kid) but who wants to pay $3,000 in airfare and then another $2,000 in accommodations? Or should I say, WHO CAN? SO – he gets to go alone. (Yes, you got it, at the cost of $3,000+). I, on the other hand, get to stay home with our 2.5 year old, cleaning up poop and working my ass off to support my loving husband’s idyllic fall journey. Fucker. Another commenter cracked me up when she said she has to breath into a paper bag whenever the topic of her husband’s trip comes up – ME, TOO. I get all pissed off and jealous inside and try to think about all the bad things I will do while he is gone. Like, uh…eat ice cream! Watch movies/shows about slutty women and even sluttier men! Take the afternoon off work! Wow – doesn’t that sound like a great trade off? If anything, fantasize about the moment when you get to tell JB that you are going away on a solo vacation to Mexico or wherever it is that you want to go and be alone – for a week. And hey, I can sympathize with your potty training drama – we are living the dream as well.