On Monday night I went with my friend Ashley to see Andrew Bird in concert. We had joked ahead of time about throwing our bras on stage (because I don’t know about you but I think Andrew Bird is not only insanely talented but also sort of hot, in a skinny, distracted-by-his-own genius kind of way) and I realized that if I were to actually do such a thing I would have to purchase a bra especially for the occasion, because there are two main problems with removing my own bra and hurling it at an unsuspecting musician: 1) my bras are of the sturdy German-engineering variety and there is nothing remotely sexy about them (you can imagine how a black lacy barely-there piece of lingerie might look, tantalizingly draped over Mr. Bird’s violin bow for a brief moment before he smiles and tucks it away in his pocket, but in my case there would be this foam insert D-cup four-hook monstrosity flying end over end through the air and smacking him soundly in the face, possibly covering his entire head and asphyxiating him or at least impeding his ability to whistle), and 2) if I took off my personal support garment in public then my boobs would immediately tumble out of my shirt and clunk onto the floor, and believe me, no one wants to see that.

Anyway, so I didn’t throw any underwear at Andrew Bird, which was just as well because he was so amazing, so utterly impressive and mesmerizing and awesome, it surely would have sullied the experience to interrupt the reverie by chucking a slightly dingy Wacoal in his direction. He did astounding things on that stage, and best of all he appeared to be nearly lost in his own music at times, his eyes closed and his face sort of grimaced with effort/pleasure/intensity (I have an inappropriate term for this, which is Musician Sex Face), and it was truly blissful to be a part of it. The man is a phenomenal artist, and if you ever get the chance to see him perform, I can’t recommend it enough.

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On a different topic, we are in the midst of yet another sleep setback with Dylan, and I’m guessing it’s tied to the fact that he’s given up on crawling COMPLETELY and spends his day staggering excitedly from one hazard to another. It is exhausting keeping up with him and constantly prying things out of his mouth or removing him from dangerous situations and it seems entirely unfair that at the same time we’re in the midst of this Stage of Bug-Eyed Vigilance he’s decided to start waking up every four hours again.

I once wrote an article for a client on babyproofing your home and how to efficiently remove all the various deathtraps an average household offers to a small child. My advice included getting rid of cords, installing cabinet locks, putting gates up — I even recommended getting down on your hands and knees and checking your floors, because you never know what a baby can find that an adult will miss.

Of course, my OWN house is basically a giant bear trap filled with angry bees whose stingers contain pure Drano. Riley wasn’t much of a cabinet-nosing kid, so we got rid of the locks during our remodel and never put them back. I have a gate, but it mostly just sits in the office. I’d get down on my hands and knees, but jesus, have you SEEN my floors?

So it’s mostly my own damn fault that I have to chase Dylan all day long and pry his curious little grippy-paws off handles and out of drawers and pull wads of dog hair out of his mouth and so on. Of course, there’s also the possibility that I haven’t learned a DAMN THING about Objects Babies Really Shouldn’t Have Access To over the last 3.5 years:

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Riley at 12 months with the big heavy dirty splinter-y doorstop stick.

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Dylan, currently obsessed with the EXACT SAME FUCKING STICK.

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Katy
Katy
13 years ago

Love Dylan’s shirt…

bessie.viola
13 years ago

We have no gates, either, and on Saturday Madeline climbed all 16 of our stairs with ease. SO screwed.

I love Dylan’s shirt, too – so baby punk!

Abby
13 years ago

You have Andrew Bird, we have Arvel Bird.

http://www.arvelbird.com/

Shana
Shana
13 years ago

I saw Andrew Bird at the Fillmore in SF a year or so ago. He’s great, and I’ve been listening to him for years, but I thought I was a strange one, liking a guy who plays violin. All of my friends think it’s a little odd, anyway, but have they listened to his music? Nooooo.

Dylan is such a handsome guy. I keep waiting for him to grow out of his adorableness, but it hasn’t happened yet. ;)

Eve
Eve
13 years ago

Oh my lord, thank you for this post. I can’t stop laughing, and it’s the best I’ve felt all day after being up all night with my 10-month-old. So thanks!

eileen
eileen
13 years ago

Yes to the Andrew Bird lust. I have two magazine rip-outs of him in my cubicle and he’s also the background on my phone. Do they make a Tiger Beat magazine for this?

A long time ago you mentioned listening to the song “Fake Palindromes” on the bus while pregnant with Riley (v. possible I am making up some of those details..). I downloaded it and I’ve been hooked on Andrew Bird ever since. So thanks so much for what’s been an amazing music discovery for me.

Anyabeth
13 years ago

Aw, my daughter is the same age and doing the same things and well . . .call CPS. When my husband comes in the door she starts harping on him to take off his belt so she can chew on it. And she is obsessed with climbing up on a chair to stare out our back window.

I keep telling myself she is learning independence.

Amanda
13 years ago

I swear they leave some sort of this-is-forbidden-infatuation-dust on stuff. Hopefully this won’t apply to girls.

Tony
13 years ago

I love how you had time to take pictures of Dylan and Riley with the splinter stick.

Putting your children in danger for the sake of your readers. That’s dedication. :)

robyn
13 years ago

I have those same Wacoal bras. Dinginess and all.

In fact, I think I’m missing a few. Hmmmm….

Deanna
Deanna
13 years ago

1. I cannot believe you do not scrapbook! That would be a great page!!
2. Just wait the pens/markers stage is on the horizon (we are in the medst of it- damn! where do all these writing implements keep coming from!?)
3. *CUTE* shirt on D. Make & Model please??
4. You thinking of coming to here Austin for SXSW?? Neat!

Annie
Annie
13 years ago

I had to laugh at the last part re. Dylan and Dangerous Objects because just hours ago, I was out weeding in the backyard and gave both my 3 year old and 2 year old sharp metal gardening tools to play with… the kind that basically BEG to be jammed into an eyeball. Belatedly, okay about 20 minutes later, I realized that just MAYBE sharp, rusty, poiny things aren’t the best things for babies to play with, even though I KNOW they’re the most fun. (Who wants to dig with a spoon??)

jonniker
13 years ago

HA HA HA. I call it Musician Sex Face too. And I HATE IT. I hate MSF. It makes me so uncomfortable, and is a large part of why I dislike concerts, no kidding. There is also Dancer’s Sex Face, which is just as bad. (See: general dislike for music videos and shows like Dancing With The Stars.)

warcrygirl
13 years ago

I don’t know what it is with boys and sticks. We spend money on toy lightsabres only to find our two out in the yard beating each other senseless with sticks from the big oak tree in the front yard. Sheesh!

Hilary
13 years ago

We once got yelled at by some friends who brought their year-old boy over to our house — “Your house isn’t babyproofed AT ALL.” We just shrugged because my daughter (who is Riley’s age now) never bothered to open anything or stick her fingers in sockets or climb anything. We put one baby lock on and then gave up. Now…oh my god. My son is 8 1/2 months and if there is a cabinet he will open it. He pulls chairs onto himself. He flushes the toilet. He is small but determined and very strong and I spend all day chasing after him and trying to keep Barbie shoes out of his mouth. And now he’s trying to walk…

Amy
Amy
13 years ago

It looks like Dylan is wearing his 15 pieces of flair!

Eric's Mommy
13 years ago

Oh that part about the bra nearly killed me!

My son also said fuck the crawling thing and went right into walking.

Emily
13 years ago

Hee! My boyfriend is a musician, and I’ve had to tell him more than once to stop making his O-face on stage.

Kristin
13 years ago

I saw Andrew Bird in concert about four years ago and have been secretly in love with him ever since. Thanks for the pictures!

victoria
victoria
13 years ago

Can I post about something else? I know you’re a fan of the Jillian Michaels TDS, and on your recommendation I bought it, but . . . that woman’s pictures are repulsive. SHE HAS NO NECK. All of her promotional pics make her look like a neckless monstrosity. Her chin is BELOW her shoulder-line in every picture of her that I’ve seen, anywhere.

Does she never watch “America’s Next Top Model”? Has she never heard Tyro Banks scold contestants, “What happened to your neck?”

More importantly, are we supposed to be INSPIRED by these hulking, neckless photos?

I have fantasies of looking all graceful and swanlike, not like the no-neck, bulging, massive, bulked-up man-thing that she seems to be. I mean, the pics just do not inspire.

Which sort of leads me to my next peeve: when you do crunches (or any ab work except that performed in ballet class, at the barre), your neck disappears. I don’t like doing the crunches that Jillian seems to be so fond of because I feel that they are not only not improving my posture, but actually making it worse. Who wants six pack abs if they come with hunched, neckless posture?

I’d rather have a non-flat belly, and a long, graceful neck, because after all, hundreds of people see my neck every day, but the number who see my abdomen approaches zero.

Does anyone else have this complaint?

bibliogrrl
13 years ago

Mr. Bird comes into the shop where I work, and he is a tiny and polite man. Also, really, truly distracted in real life. He’s rad rad rad.

(no, I didn’t say anything. Never do. That would be RUDE and weird… I just swoon in my head. :D)

She Likes Purple
13 years ago

I just love Dylan’s shit/onesie in the last photo.

Kim
Kim
13 years ago

My friend is a licensed bra fitter at Dillard’s (seriously, they make them take classes before they’re hired and they even get a certificate at the end) and she stands by Wacoal above all others.
You know, just in case you needed some bra reassurance.

And If I could have Jillian’s everything else, I’d gladly take her no-neck. I watch Biggest Loser and have never noticed it, so tonight I’m going to have to look for it because now I’m curious.

I have taken a lot of cold medicine today; forgive the babbling.

Melissa
Melissa
13 years ago

I love the MSF on the right individual. Chris Martin whilst playing the piano…hot.
On a completely different note – I must get my little man that same t-shirt that Dylan is wearing!!! Where did you get it?

Hillary
13 years ago

Eh, what doesn’t kill them makes them stronger.

Deb
Deb
13 years ago

Here is the only effective way to baby proof a house:

Step One: Remove all objects.

There, see? No Problemo. I swear, I could put my son in an empty room and he would come out with an injury. And a rilly rilly long explanation of how he got it.

Also – I totally made my husband the baby clothes quilt last year for Christmas! Best Bring On The Tears Gift EVER!

Now off to Google this Bird person, whom I have never heard of.

trena
13 years ago

There’s a kid’s show on Noggin that we watch called Jack’s Big Music Show. Sometimes they have famous (musical) guests come on–fave episode hands down was when Andrew Bird was on and magically ‘fixed’ an instrument with his singing- v. awesome!

jen
jen
13 years ago

We are at a similar stage except still crawling and I HATE this stage. I just want mine to walk already but apparently from what you are saying it just gets worse. I used to lament people who have those kids who just sit around like bumps on a log and was all proud of my active baby but sometimes I just don’t understand why he can’t just sit still for a moment. I do love that tee Dylan has on!

Ashley
13 years ago

Love this post! The whole bra thing had me cracking up. I am still swooning from that damn show. And fucking bummer about the new sleep set back…no advice there…BTDT it sucks giant pimply ass.

Catherine
13 years ago

Second kids don’t get baby proofing, I think it’s a well documented fact.

Pictures of boys with sticks would only have been funnier if they had been wearing the same shirt. I have those pics … why is Elliot some-dangerous-X? And why, in the same clothes two years later is Audrey same-dangerous-X?

mnerva
mnerva
13 years ago

Ummm, Victoria I’m not sure where you’re getting your images of Jillian not having a neck, but she definitely does. Now it might not be model-length, but really, only models’ are, hello. Also, you say you have 30 Day Shred video, but you are basing your opinion on pictures? STILL pictures? (which means people are not moving, btw) Have you ever frozen a video? You most likely will end up looking like a freak. And your last point about crunches. Are you fucking kidding me??!! In the year 2009 somebody could think that doing stomach crunches will shorten/fuck-up their neck? Or ruin their posture? Crunches do the total opposite of that. They provide core support that HELP posture. That is the stupidest/most-uninformed statement I have ever heard, I think.

And also I doubt that Tyra would like to be called Tyro. Seriously, “o” and “a” are not even remotely near each other on a keyboard. So don’t tell me it’s a typo (or typa).

Kelli
Kelli
13 years ago

Linda, I cannot tell you how many concerts I’ve been to in my life where I watch the musician perform and after the show ends feel like I’ve understood the artist on a whole DIFFERENT level b/c I know exactly what his “sex face” would be like. I always thought I was the only one who had that thought and am so glad to know I’m not alone in my thinking!

danielle
danielle
13 years ago

Our little one is also quite the explorer. Opens every cabinet, puts everything in her mouth. Sadly, I’m too worn out to baby proof anything besides the cabinet with the cleaning products.

Heather
Heather
13 years ago

Dr. Strings from Jack’s Big Music House!!!! I LOVE Andrew Bird. He is so sexy in his own weird way. Yummy!!!

When my toddler started walking we ended up removing every piece of everything from our family room. Chasing him around became so frustrating I wanted an empty room with toys so I did not go insane from taking crap from the child. It’s a tough stage.

Colleen
Colleen
13 years ago

So, I’m going on a trip tomorrow and need to download some fresh music. What do you recommend album/song-wise from Andrew Bird? I’m intrigued!!

Bumbling
13 years ago

I fell in lust/love with Andrew Bird when he was a guest on my kid’s favorite show “Jack’s Big Music Show”. So nerdy and so HOT.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7HmkLu24w2o

Love Dylan’s shirt.

Alyson
13 years ago

Send Dylan over to my house. I seem to be in a period of waking up in the middle of the night, too. (up at 3:21 this morning…not back to sleep again until 5:15am). Maybe you can get some sleep. I’m sure not!

Jules
Jules
13 years ago

One of my favorite things about Andrew Bird concerts (besides the fact that, you know, he fucking ROCKS it) is that roadie that comes in after the spinning gramophone stops and fixes it. Does he still have that guy? Lord, that cracks me up. Andrew, he may have a bit of the OCD.

Trenches of Mommyhood
13 years ago

Yup, we have that exact same type of doorstop stick thingy in the Trenches and it was like a giant CHEW TOY for my boyz. There are little chicklet teeth marks all over it.
A+ parenting on my part, don’tcha think?

Alyson
13 years ago

Thanks for providing me with the name of a new, modern violinist to introduce my 11-year-old budding violinist/fiddler/musician to. I’ve been looking for younger (read that not dead) role-models for my son.

Jen
Jen
13 years ago

LOL! My child just walked by yesterday with a longer, skinnier, spintery, SHARP doorstop stick a couple of days ago and the only thing I could think was “Ugh- NOW THIS?!”

I am afraid to ask what is next..

Stacy Quarty
13 years ago

Ahhhh… so that’s what it’s called: Musician Sex Face. Very hot!

Kristi
13 years ago

I realize I’m VERY late on this comment but 2 things:

Thing 1: I have MANY musician friends who all secretly (and sometimes OPENLY) want you to call it Musician Sex Face – they really try hard to acheive that look!

Thing 2: Our disgusting door stick looks exactly like that and was a magnet to both kids and every single dog we’ve ever had. It must have a core of sugar and meat!

Operation Pink Herring
13 years ago

Best baby shirt ever.

Jaci
Jaci
13 years ago

I saw Andrew Bird a few weeks back. I was kind of hoping he’d climb on that rotating phonograph thing at the end of the show and fly away on it like a helicopter.

sharon
sharon
13 years ago

My kids were obsessed with the doorstop stick also! And the cabinet locks? We didn’t bother with those the second time around. He survived just fine.

superblondgirl
13 years ago

Did he take off his shoes and slide around stage in his socks? Honestly, that was one of my favorite parts. And in that NPR interview, when he was whistling, I totally wanted to throw my bra at him. One of my sexy teenage boob ones, though, not my massive mom bras.
Love the flair!!