I can’t think of the last time I noticed anyone looking at me. You know: looking at me. Checking me out.

If it’s been a long time since I noticed anyone noticing me, it’s been, like, YEARS since anyone’s actually made a pass at me, or whatever the kids are calling it these days. Hit on me? Flirted, that’s a better term. No one ever flirts with me anymore, and I can’t believe I’m whining about this, but hey guess what I AM.

Maybe it’s because I give off a strong Married-with-Kids vibe, maybe it’s because I feel about as sexy most days as a nudibranch (which despite the titillating “nudie” in their name and the surprising fact that they are hermaphroditic, are still sea slugs, and therefore unsexy by definition), maybe it’s because I’m no longer young and/or reckless, but it kind of bothers me. I don’t really know how to say it without sounding shallow as hell — or worse, like I’m fishing for compliments — but the more time goes by without even, say, a quick sidelong glance of appreciation, the more invisible and frumpy I feel.

My husband, who is both sweet and as lecherous as they come, constantly compliments me in an exotic mix of gentlemanly and mildly offensive ways, and I love, love, LOVE that and obviously I love HIM and I hope it doesn’t sound like I’m TROLLING for something, it’s just that . . . oh, this is just getting more and more embarrassing. It’s just that even though he thinks I look good, and despite my raging insecurities there are often times when I think I look good, I miss other people thinking I look good. I miss innocent, yet esteem-boosting eyeballings. I miss feeling like a desirable woman.

This is dumb, right? Weird AND dumb. I don’t think I’ve ever heard a happily married woman complain about the issue of Not Being Ogled By Strangers before, which either means all of you are getting ogled on a regular basis or only a total douchebag would notice or care about something so ridiculous. WAIT DON’T TELL ME.

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Julianna
13 years ago

Oh My God, not dumb at all! We don’t have kids yet, but my husband and I have been together for 9 years, married for almost 5, and we started dating when I was 19–so I spent my prime ogling years with him. And don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t change that for anything, and he definitely lets me know that he finds me attractive. But, there is something about being “checked out” that makes you feel sexy and young and, well, kind of powerful. And I miss it too.

Lawyerish
13 years ago

I know precisely what you mean, and I think it’s completely normal. Recently, I was bopping along feeling pretty good about myself — I had a rare Good Outfit and Good Hair Day going — and realized that nobody was even giving the slightest of glances in my general direction. It was mildly deflating.

Then again, it IS winter and we ARE walking around in layers/puffy coats/unflattering footwear most of the time, and I find that the advent of warm weather and cute, flirty clothes seems to revive the appreciative looks as well as the perverts, at which time suddenly the attention becomes not-so-fun anymore.

penne
13 years ago

You’re SO NOT DUMB. Just recently I humored a 12-yr-old friend by answering her email quiz…one of the questions was “Does anyone have a crush on you?” Answering NO was about the SUCKIEST feeling because I realized that even though I have two great kids, a cute husband and nice house, NOBODY HAS A CRUSH ON ME and it was horrible. Because I don’t think anyone EVER will have a crush on me because I’m 41 and normal and even if someone did it would be someone old and icky probably. Anyway. I guess this is what sends happily married women rushing for plastic surgeons, but I don’t want collagen and silicon to be the reason I’m ogled… I’m no help. But you’re not alone.

punchlinewalking
13 years ago

You are not alone. I totally miss that, too!

Hillary
13 years ago

Someone told me I had “Mom on the go” hair the other day. And here I was thinking I had pretty, short but feminine, sassy sort of hair. Blah.

Totally normal.

Amanda
Amanda
13 years ago

I have a theory about this! You are still being checked out, however as they get a little more “sophisticated” men are more subtle about these things. Fear not, you are being discreetly ogled.

Jan
Jan
13 years ago

So my built-in webcam was on the fritz and I had to call tech support for help. They got it working but the support dude was able to see me (but I could not see him). I do know his name was Sanjay and he was located in India. He told me I was very pretty. Does that count as being hit on? If so, than ‘go me’ because that’s all I’ve got in the last 10+ years.

justmouse (or Chaosmomm..whatever)
justmouse (or Chaosmomm..whatever)
13 years ago

omg. you have just very effectively put into words what i have been feeling for a very long time now. except that you have the totally buff HOTNESS, that i am devoid of, and you are also SUPER COOL, which i am very much NOT. so fret not. you are totally normal in wanted to feel, you know…HOT. but i bet that you get checked out all the damn time, but in a subtle nonoffensive way. i wouldn’t be surprised if your uber hotness totally intimidates guys so that they are too shy to actually say anything to you about it.

if it makes you feel any better…if i lived near you, i’d TOTALLY hit on you, and i’m a married woman!

Carrie
13 years ago

Heh. I love that you are a freak at times, too. So human! Anyways, I have seen enough pictures of you to know that you ARE being ogled. You are. You just don’t notice it because they are a higher class of oglers who appreciate your lusciousness with a smile and a dirty thought instead of the, “Hey baby! Nice ass!” catcalls across the street. I vote for an experiment involving JB following you with a video camera so that you can see the oglers ogling after the fact.

Misguided mommy
13 years ago

I complain about this allllll the time. I want to be noticed. Look at me ME. Not just the mom with the cute kids, I’m cute too dammit!

Misguided mommy
13 years ago

I take it back I don’t want to be cute I want to be HOT! I want to be RAWR!

samantha jo campen
13 years ago

I get hit on by high school boys (job related, I don’t troll high schools honest) and while I do feel slightly Mrs. Robinson I still gotta say it makes me feel good when I feel very mom-ish. So I totally know how you feel. It’s different when it comes from someone else other than the husband.

Swistle
13 years ago

You know how models are pretty much done with their careers at age 19? It’s because at age 20, they’re too old to be considered attractive. I try not to think about what that means for me, a woman technically old enough to have a 19-year-old DAUGHTER.

Amy
Amy
13 years ago

Totally normal. My husband is the same way. Saturday, on my 29th birthday, he told me I still had the ass of a 19-year-old. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that it clearly has been a looooooong time since he’s seen a 19 year old ass! haha!

But I know what you mean. As nice as it is to be wanted by your hubby, it’s always nice to think, hey…look at that random dude lookin’ at me – I’ve still got it!

And I’m sure you do!

Bianca
Bianca
13 years ago

Okay, I have a boyfriend who sounds a lot like your husband. I can’t even try on a new coat without him just staring at me and flatly saying “Babe, you just gave me a chubby in that coat”. It cracks me up and I appreciate it so much.

I think I’m pretty (sometimes) but I’ve noticed that the only people who ogle or make comments tend to be homeless dudes. Which is cool, I mean, you have to admit, they see women all day and for them to come across one that they actually feel the need to comment must say SOMETHING about how I look, right?

But I want to get hit on. I want a bartender to tell me my drink is on the house. I want the guy in the car in front of me to keep checking me out in his rearview.

This doesn’t happen though and considering how much my boyfriend gets hit on (must be the afro, women love that) I start to feel insecure. I REALLY don’t want to compare myself to my boyfriend but I can’t help it. The adorable thing is he is CONSTANTLY stressing that I’m going to get hit on. I keep reminding him that he has nothing to worry about.

Thanks for making me feel comfortable enough to say this out loud. I feel like a freak.

Angella
13 years ago

I’ve been thinking about this very thing, but in a different vein…and well, shoot. I have been too scared to write about it out of a fear of sounding arrogant and whatnot.

I can’t believe I’m going to say this and I hope it doesn’t come across wrong.

As someone who was all sorts of awkward growing up, I finally hit my stride in my mid-twenties and guys actually checked me out.

While my husband is like yours in his (very) vocal adoration, it is still nice to get outside “confirmation”, as it were.

And I still do sometimes when out and about. Some friends and I talked about it this weekend and about how sad we will be the day we realize that nobody looks at us anymore.

(That sounds so VAIN. But I spent too much time typing to delete this comment. I’m invested.)

So…I get what you are saying. And I also don’t believe nobody is giving you sideways glances because HAVE YOU SEEN HOW HOT YOU LOOK?

I’m thinking you just haven’t caught them looking ;)

Tony
13 years ago

You’re getting ogled. We men are less blunt about public ogling in our older years. Although, according to Hollywood this doesn’t apply if you work at a construction site.

Also, be aware of the sneak cell phone photo. I get about 1 a week from a buddy of mine. It’s easy to pass off photo taking as texting. Just think, a photo of your butt taken in line at the coffee shop could be bouncing off satellites as we speak. :)

ritchiewoman
13 years ago

It’s not you. It’s winter in Seattle. Pretty soon it will be warm and you can put the North Face fleece away and wear sleeveless tops and, gasp, skirts without tights and you’ll get those looks again. You’ve got a fierce body girl, with a sexy tattoo and good hair. You’re just weatherly-challenged. Don’t worry – come June you’ll get the lecherous stares from the pig men in their minivans driving their kids around in their car seat as you walk into the grocery store. Can’t WAIT!

Korinna
13 years ago

These comments have made me laugh.

I work as a librarian at a law school and while I’m around leering students the better part of my day, it recently occured to me that they think of me as The Boring Librarian.

Oh, well. At least I can count on my husband to be affectionately inappropriate.

Becky
13 years ago

God, I am SO GLAD you said this. Because I feel like that too. Especially after hanging out with my sisters (all of whom are younger and much hotter than me). And I hate comparing myself with them, but I just can’t help it. I think most women feel like this sometimes. It’s just like you said – no one wants to admit it because they don’t want to sound shallow. But that doesn’t make it untrue.

Craig
Craig
13 years ago

I’m sorry, but the issue cannot be fully evaluated unless you post (tasteful) nude photos of yourself.

Sarah Lena
13 years ago

Wow. I mean, I kinda expected to check this post in order to leave a comment and find that eleventy bazillion people had beat me to it, all to say, “Yeah, me too.”

Because I feel this way. Dude, I was totally a maneater before my husband. And even after I married, I could still turn heads. But now? Now I’m a mom. The most we have to aspire to is MILF.

For what it’s worth, I would totally do you.

Pass that along to JB.

SJ
SJ
13 years ago

Oh Sundry. You’ve done hit the nail on the head. I get what you are saying, and I get how you are feeling.

You? Are not alone….

Erin
13 years ago

I cannot think of a more natural desire to have. Feeling desired by those who haven’t signed on to lust after you for reasons that run deeper than just the bouncability of a quarter off of your ass is so, so normal.

When my husband tells me I’m hot, I know that wrapped up in that is something more than just primal reaction. And while I love love love that – as you said with JB – it’s just nice to know you’re still working it.

I think you’ve got it, FWIW. :)

Beth
Beth
13 years ago

Well I think you’re extremely hot and I like to fake hit on my female friends, so believe me if we actually knew each other IRL, then I’d hit on you all the time.

Tessie
13 years ago

First of all, this is NOT NOT NOT weird, OR dumb.

Secondly, I know that *I* have a mild case of Obliviousness when it comes to this stuff, and I would bet you are the same, especially if you are used to JB’s, um, not-so-subtle tactics. I tend to dismiss little things like a guy holding eye contact for just a HALF-SECOND longer than normal, although I am told that is what passes for a check-out at our age.

danielle
danielle
13 years ago

According to my husband, men evolve beyond the biological compulsion to oogle. That does not mean that they stop checking out hot women. They are just way more sophisticated. That quick glance? The friendly smile? That is the mature man’s version of oogling. I don’t know if he’s right but it sure makes me feel better. Even if the only friendly smile I get is from the coffee barista as he hands me my change.

Jen in AZ
Jen in AZ
13 years ago

I know what you mean. I was once a striking young woman, but those days have come and gone. I know my husband adores me and still thinks I’m beautiful, but everyone ONCE in a while is too much to ask for someone of the male persuasion to appreciate me from a distance? You are not being ridiculous at all. I think all females think about these things from time to time, even if we don’t admit it.

Sadie
Sadie
13 years ago

Ha! I, like Bianca, tend to garner the most attention from homeless and/or obviously crazy men too.

You don’t sound like a douche and you don’t sound like you’re fishing, and I TOTALLY get what you’re saying. I just turned 30 and I don’t even have any kids to blame it on…but I can’t believe no one has pointed out the obvious here, Linda. YOU DON’T GO TO BARS ANYMORE. YOU ARE NEVER SURROUNDED BY DRUNK MEN ANYMORE. Therefore, all the men who ARE checking you out in daily, non-inebriated life are sober enough to be more subtle, and not try terrible pick-up lines on you.

Kim
Kim
13 years ago

As usual, you just succinctly summed up (is that redundant?) the feelings we 30-something married women (except I just turned 40, fuck) feel but are too intimidated to say out loud. It doesn’t matter how happily partnered we are; the feeling of being appreciated by people who aren’t supposed to never goes away. I work on a college campus and it’s been over a year since I’ve been rudely hollered at; very depressing.

Merrily
13 years ago

Totally with you. It drives me NUTS!
I’d even take a wolf whistle for godsakes.
Throw me a bone!

Leticia
Leticia
13 years ago

Yes, I know EXACTLY what you mean. It is very depressing and hurts the ego so much!!!

What you need to do, is pass by a construction site in your highest of shoes, with your tightest jeans and lowest cut blouse and I guarantee you will get something. :o) Not that you are fishing or anything. Hee!

Danell
Danell
13 years ago

I think I agree with Amanda’s theory…besides that, are you SERIOUS? HAVE YOU SEEN YOURSELF?? I sort of hate you! In a green monster sort of way. =)

Kate
13 years ago

Yah, try driving a minivan. I could be buckass naked driving the aforementioned minivan, but it’s like I’m invisible or something.

No Linda, you’re not alone. And I totally agree that you’re probably being checked out a bit more discreetly, or else you’re occupied with the kids and don’t notice. But rest assured, you’re getting checked out.

But yah, a cat call or constuction worker whistle would be nice once in a while.

Someone Being Me
13 years ago

Ok hon, first of all you are totally gorgeous so I think it has more to do with the wedding ring and the kiddos than your looks. But I do understand how you feel. Even before I got pregnant with #2 I still felt like no one ever looks at me anymore and I am only 28.

Unfortunately I live in a small town with a large college and therefore am surrounded by young nubile 20 year olds. My husband gets hit on a lot more often than I do. It seems that when a man gets older (he’s 34) and has a job, home, family, etc he becomes more desirable and for a woman it is the complete opposite.

Thank God for horny husbands that make us feel hot.

Becky
Becky
13 years ago

Can we get Tony and Craig to give us a primer on what we SHOULD expect nowadays? Because dude I totally miss the outright ogle. See what seems screwy about this situation is that at the age of 35 I have less time to pay attention to being ogled…hmmm maybe that is it…it is still happening, I am just not as observant! Combine that with men becoming SLY about it…crap no wonder I don’t “catch it” happening!

Heather, Queen of Shake Shake

The only guys who check me out are skanky construction workers. That? Is worse than not being checked out at all.

Donna
Donna
13 years ago

The other night I was on my way home from work at 1 am, and this young guy in the next lane at the light motions at me to roll down my window, so I do, he says lets race, loser buys drinks, I go dude, my little car would smoke you, and I laugh.
And then I laugh again because he has just tried to hit on a woman old enough to be his gramma and the shock on his face was fuckin priceless.
On the flip side, at my age, you can go anywhere and do anything, and no one even notices because you are a middle aged woman, and supposedly stable and mature. HA, if they only knew.
My generation of baby boomers will be the ones growing pot in their immaculately trimmed back yards. Taking viagra like it is blue m and m’s. Driving fast because we can afford to amp up our cars, boats, and yeah, people might not check me out coming, but they surely will going. When I blow their doors off.
It’s a trade off, and if you have a personality to fall back on and your whole life hasn’t been built around your looks, it’s not so bad. The people who have invested their whole lives in being pretty with no substance, they are really in for a shock. We all get old, and gravity works on all of us. How you handle it is up to you.
(Just so you know tho, if I had your body, and know what I do now? Hell I’d be naked all the time! Enjoy!)

JB
JB
13 years ago

Craig, how about posting your home address and I will pay you a visit

Shawna
Shawna
13 years ago

Y’know, there were times back in the day that I got hooted and honked at just walking downtown on a sunny summer day. (Maybe walking downtown with a VERY SHORT SHIRT had something to do with that?) And I used to get asked for my number pretty much every time I went to my favourite bar to dance.

But the thing is, I don’t go to that bar anymore, because that would require me to stay up past 9pm. And walking downtown in the summer? Well, lets just say that I can’t remember when I last did that without pushing a stroller.

So yeah, maybe at this stage it’s partly lack of being in situations where we would get ogled, y’know what I mean? At least, that’s what I tell myself. :)

Jenny
13 years ago

About four years ago or so, not long before I became pregnant with my daughter, I had guys checking me out all the time. Smiling at me from neighboring cars, whistles in parking lots, flirting at gas stations, random men coming into my workplace telling me how nice I looked . . . and now? Nary a second glance. Either I give off “mother” vibes or I have completely lost my mojo. I felt wonderful and . . . well, worthy, I suppose back then and now I feel frumpy even when I know that I’m not. I don’t know WHAT that’s all about, but valid I suppose since so many feel the same.

Jeff
Jeff
13 years ago

why don’t you go bra shopping again – snaps some more pics along the way – post em….

Bet you’ll get noticed (again) then!

Janet
Janet
13 years ago

Linda – you are so totally not alone in feeling this way. I just had a conversation with one of my best friends about this very subject. She and I are both in our 40s and (if I do say so myself) are both good looking women, but once you reach a certain age it feels almost like you become invisable to the oposite sex. My friend says she still gets looks from creepy construction workers and me…I’m a hotty to the hispanic gardeners. Woot!

Renee
Renee
13 years ago

hmm. I haven’t been ogled in a while, either. By my husband nor anyone else… but then again, I *am* 30 weeks pregnant. So having a random stranger ogle me would be kinda gross.

BTW, when are people going to start wanting to touch my belly in the grocery store and stuff? I’ve got my “knee-jerk” reaction all planned out and ready to deploy…

Elizabeth
13 years ago

I never used to get oogled and I found it so depressing. Then I randomly stopped wearing my wedding ring and I get hit on ALL. THE. TIME. To the point that I think I might have to start wearing it again.
Trust me, you are hot stuff. People just think you’re taken.

Wendy
13 years ago

You are SO not alone in this! You are in the slump between youthful-checked-out-hottie and MILF. It comes around again. Wait until the boys are older. Surprisingly, you WILL get checked out again, in kind of Mrs. Robinson way. Which is (admittedly) a little creepy when their in their teens (cause hey, they’re teens), but when they get to college, well – – well it’s kinda nice! There’s something about a sweet 20-something guy who thinks you’re hot no matter how old you are.

Amanda
13 years ago

Yes. Everything you said.

Amanda
13 years ago

Oh and when you post pictures, I’M looking at you! ;-) Hello? You’re a hot gym Mom.

Lori
13 years ago

I’m not married, nor do I have kids, but I do know married moms who say the same thing. It’s not shallow.

I don’t think i was ever ogled much, so I don’t notice it now that it is surely gone with approaching middle age. (oh god, middle age)(is 40 middle age anymore or not? i’m confused)

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