My least favorite things about one-year-old babies, or more specifically, in case you think I’m slagging on YOUR one-year-old baby, who I’m sure is faultless in every way, MY one-year-old baby:

• They walk, yet they are babies. This is a horrifying combination and should be forbidden by nature. I feel it is a massive Darwinian fail to design babies to be able to heave themselves up on wobbly legs and stagger around like PEOPLE, when they are clearly INFANTS, as evidenced by their total lack of knees/knuckles and their propensity for ferreting out every single choking hazard in the entire house and cramming it in their cry-holes.

• Speaking of, they put everything in their mouths. Here is a partial list of what I have fished out of Dylan’s mouth in the last 24 hours: a Curious George sticker, a Band-Aid, a small rock, fifty thousand pieces of paper, a pen cap, his brother’s shoe, a chunk of what I fervently hope was dried mud, and one mysteriously non-Duplo-sized LEGO that must have manifested itself out of another dimension because I swear to GOD I already got rid of the too-small bricks what the FUCK. This is the same baby, mind you, who gags on RICE CRACKERS and mostly turns his nose up over chunky foods, probably because I didn’t WIPE THEM ON THE FLOOR FIRST.

• Oh, and the gag reflex? COME ON. I am so reluctantly experienced at dealing with a Surprise Cough-Barf I have an entire honed, efficient Tactical Action Plan involving paper towels and Mrs. Meyer’s Lavender Spray and baking soda and simultaneous bath-preparation and laundry-starting activities and frankly, this is not one of those life skills I want to be good at. Dear child: yes, post-nasal drip is gross, but re-enacting the pea soup scene from the Exorcist is infinitely more disgusting for all involved parties.

• It’s been a full year — over a year, at this point — and he’s still waking up more than once per night. I guess I’m mostly resigned, because I don’t seem to be willing to take any steps to make the situation better (lie there wide awake and vibrating with anxiety while he cries, or get up and deal with him then go back to sleep? I go with Door Number 2, every single time) , but I never imagined he wouldn’t be sleeping through the night after twelve long months. And no, I do NOT want to hear about your child who is ten now and still wakes up every half hour, are you trying to KILL me?

• They are emotionally unstable. Whine, whine, whine. I can’t reach that ball, someone took the pen cap out of my mouth, I don’t like these shoes, this diaper change is filling me with rage, I’m riddled with invisible demons and I don’t know what the hell my problem is so I guess I’ll just scream for about a goddamned hour straight. God, it’s like their brains are still forming, or something. Like they have limited communication skills and get easily frustrated and are constantly bonking their heads on things. SO IMMATURE OMG.

And, okay, fine, some of my favorite things:

• They dance. There is nothing, NOTHING like seeing a 12-month-old bopping along with Eninem’s “Crack a Bottle”. Uh-oh uh-oh, bitches hoppin’ in my Tahoe.

• They love to laugh. Like when you get down on your hands and knees and pretend to be a bear and crawl after your baby going RRWAAR!, and their eyebrows shoot up and they go shriiiiiiiiiiek with pure insane joy before they laugh so hard they fall over and hit their head on the entertainment center? That’s pretty rad.

• They talk all the time, about GOD KNOWS WHAT. “Ba blah da doe blmphz da DER DER pah gee DOH,” they say, and you go, I know, right?

• They are in the perfect sweet spot between actively choosing to be cuddled (vs the passive human-represents-food pleasure of the newborn) and figuring out that almost any other activity is more fun than snuggling with Mom. They run full-tilt into your arms. They press their cheek against yours. They sit back to drink you in, then lean forward to sigh happily against your chest.

• Their butts are ridiculous. I defy you to gaze upon a 12-month-old’s naked bottom and not feel certain the world is in fact filled with unicorns and rainbows.

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MelV
MelV
13 years ago

Amen.

Sarah
13 years ago

I loved this one! My two year old thinks its the funniest thing in the world when I pop my gum. I know right? The most disgusting sound in the world my two year loves. Thats why I keep him : )

samantha jo campen
13 years ago

Check, check and check. You got it.

Tiffany
Tiffany
13 years ago

I laughed so hard at the hate half and am almost crying after of the love half. My son is 15 months and my daughter is 3 and all I can say is, it just goes by too damned fast…I love my kids *wipe tear from eyes*

Hillary
13 years ago

Yes! to all your bests. Nothing is funnier and more perfect than a naked toddler … unless maybe it’s a naked toddler running to hug you.

jen
jen
13 years ago

Oh dear. This is great. I am rolling…I about lost it (at work, shhhh) when I got to the dancing bit. I don’t know how you do it but you are so damn funny.

Also eerily accurate…mine had a random bit of small sharp plastic in his mouth in about .001 second yesterday and he wouldn’t open his mouth to let me extract it. And was angry when I took it away.

pam
pam
13 years ago

damn, but you had me almost jealous that you have a one year old little boy, and then i remembered, oh shit, i have three of them.

yeah, the whining can stop right about now. thanks. learn some dang words already!

JennB
13 years ago

Cute and cute. I love the little hineys. Hate the middle of the night wake-up calls.

danielle
danielle
13 years ago

My little one (11m) doesn’t cuddle. At all. Ever. I’m so envious! But she does sleep through the night. So I’ve got that going for me. Otherwise I’m right there with you on the joy/misery rollercoaster!

Shelly
13 years ago

All of these are dead-on. On the whine one: My hubby has the habit of looking at the baby and saying, “Oh, stop being a baby!”

Victoria
13 years ago

I hear ya, and I’m only an Aunt :)

Christina
Christina
13 years ago

Hilarious!
I just spent 20 minutes listening to my 13mo scream his freaking head off for no discernible reason. It’s always right about the time steam starts shooting from my ears and a strange whistle sound fills the room that he stops. Then it’s all kisses and chub running this way and that. Must be his survival instinct kicking in. And just so you know, he still wakes once (sometimes more) every night. At least you aren’t alone in your zombie walk. MUST EAT BRAINS, I MEAN FEED BABY.

Rebecca (Bearca)
13 years ago

Amen to everything on your list!

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[…] 3, 2009 · No Comments Good thing Linda added some highlights to her Bests and worsts, one year post. That first part isreally frightening. […]

Lindy
13 years ago

All I have to say is- CIO.

Anyabeth
13 years ago

Oh my GOD the one year old mood swings. I swear my daughter has PMS already. It’s like her mental checklist for the day includes

1. dump dog water bowl over head
2. howl uncontrollably over being wet
3. climb into dishwasher
4. wail when removed
5. try to grab a knife off of table
6. weep piteously at the injustice of having it taken away

etc.

Aw but fresh from the bathtub toddlers really do suggest unicorns. Especially if you style their hair in a mohawk.

gillian
gillian
13 years ago

ogling (oogling?) your writing :) perfect description of one year olds…i like the first point best. it is reminicent of zombies: “they walk, yet they are DEAD”. also horrifying!!

Nicole
13 years ago

Hi-freaking-larious! This blog is going right on my favorites list…

Marie Green
13 years ago

Oh, how I miss my one year olds. Good thing I love two year olds so much… I know you don’t need any sleep advice, so I just wanted to tell you that my youngest was not a good sleeper either, and we got her eartubes and prayed that would be the magic to help her sleep. NOPE. But then, she DID start sleeping, months later, and I don’t even remember exactly when (though I’m sure I blogged plenty about it. Gah.)…

They do sleep. Eventually. Which I know you know, but I always liked to be reminded of that. That YES, sometime in the near(ISH) future, I would sleep all night.

I do love your blog too. If you couldn’t tell. =)

Naomi in Oz
Naomi in Oz
13 years ago

You didn’t mention teething….
As always, you’ve painted a picture that every parent is smiling and nodding along with. Thanks.
My kids are 7 & 10 now. I miss them being little. My 10yo forged a note to her teacher yesterday. When did she get so sneaky? I’m sure I didn’t do that til I was in high school…

Kris Fun
Kris Fun
13 years ago

God I love your blog! And your daily piffle! And that you are experiencing the exact same thing on the Eastside that I am over here on the west.
I have retrieved out of my daughter’s mouth in the last 24 hours: 2 Polly pocket shoes, a catnip toy, her sister’s shoe (blossoming fetish perhaps), a dryer sheet, a Cars bandaid, and the totlock “key”.
But oh yes, I could gaze at that squishy butt all day long…

warcrygirl
13 years ago

My two are 10 and 7 and I still can’t resist the urge to pinch their little bottoms at bathtime. I can’t get my oldest to talk to me and I can’t get my youngest to stop, so there you go.

Jennifer
13 years ago

I’ve only made it 4 months where blowing raspberries on her belly to get the biggest chuckles ever is the highlight of my day. Now if she could only be somewhat pleasant between the hours of 3pm and 8pm, I’d be a much happier camper.

SJ
SJ
13 years ago

Your list bests & worsts is dead on. I love it. And my gosh, he’s a year old ALREADY?

SJ
SJ
13 years ago

Duh….forgot the word ‘of’. Your list OF bests and worsts is dead on.

Sorry for the double comment, I hate it when I make stupid mistakes!

abdpbt
13 years ago

Love this. Makes me wish my son was still one. Almost. We liked to refer to his butt as a big pile of peanut butter, which now that I write it out sounds really disgusting, but you would have thought it was cute if you’d been there.

Marina
Marina
13 years ago

My 13mo doesn’t walk yet – PRAISE BE TO WHOEVER LISTENS TO MY DESPERATE PLEAS.

We curbed that whole putting everything in his mouth thing a month or two ago. Except now, everything goes into mama and dada’s mouths. Like, he’ll crawl on up to us with a football (for pete’s sake) and try and cram it into our pieholes. Oh yeah, and when he doesn’t like something – potato, I am looking at you – he’ll very “generously” hold it out to us instead. And if we don’t take it, drops it on the floor.

But boy, am I glad he’s not walking yet.

Christine Brandel
13 years ago

BabyButt BabyButt BabyButt!!

That’s the song we sing to our one year old son at bathtime, while pinching that adorable little squishy backside. :)

Love your blog, Linda.

biscuit
13 years ago

please make a video of D dancing to Eminem!
PLEASE?!?!?

my just recently turned 13 month old HATES cuddling with me, nor lifts her arms when she wants to be picked up. it leaves me to believe she hates me. she only says “mama” when in distress too.

I can’t wait until this bitchy phase ends, but somehow I doubt it ever will. . . 13 mos going on 13 years.

Merrily
13 years ago

Love it. And yes – those little buts are the best.

Nicki
13 years ago

I know what you mean about the walking! Pufferfish learned how to walk at ten months old, and it was more of a disaster than a good thing! It was just a new and improved way for her to get into everything! But one is such a FUN age, too, isn’t it? And it just gets better and better! (until about age five… then, apparently, they begin to drive me insane!)

Alyson
13 years ago

Have you considered actually dropping the chunky foods on the floor for Dylan to find? Oh, wait a minute….I suppose that would give him the impression that everything that he finds on the floor is for eating. Bad idea….never mind.

Sally
Sally
13 years ago

This list isn’t about YOUR one year old. It’s about MY one year olds. SO TRUE. The baby butts KILL ME.

Elaine at Lipstickdaily

Aaaawww . . . I sympathize though, my first was up every 2 hours at night STILL at the age of one year . . . aaaagh . . . I still haven’t recovered (and that was 10 years ago)

Rachel
Rachel
13 years ago

My 11-month-old will barely ever sit still for cuddling, but when I pick her up and she wraps her arms tight around my neck I think I might die from joy.

Angella
13 years ago

We’ve been going through baby photos the past few days and the butt shots SLAY me. The chub! The dimples!

Mrs. Breedorf
13 years ago

Hey, we found a chip of ceramic in Polly’s poop. Oops.

Kim
Kim
13 years ago

Double Amen.

Leslie M
Leslie M
13 years ago

I believe that last one requires a visual aid for those of us who are baby deprived.

Eric's Mommy
13 years ago

Love the baby butts! So cute!
My son is 6 and he gets mad at me because I love to pinch his little butt.

Joy
Joy
13 years ago

Whew. As usual another good post. My 2 faves:

“this diaper change is filling me with rage…”

So true. What is so damn upsetting about having someone put a fresh, dry diaper on you? Isn’t it uncomfortable to sit in a pile of poop?

“I defy you to gaze upon a 12-month-old’s naked bottom and not feel certain the world is in fact filled with unicorns and rainbows.”

I think the world is filled with unicorns & rainbows if we just take a minute to look for them. Sometimes that is hard to do when you are having a tough day with your kids.

Trenches of Mommyhood
13 years ago

I KNOW! Especially 1 yr olds who are walking, yet have older siblings. It’s like, once they become upright, then they are FAIR GAME to other children.

piecemeal people
13 years ago

In my experience, the butt thing does not abate with time. Now that my son is three and in underwear instead of a diaper, I’m pinching and patting the poor kid’s butt all the livelong day. And I still chase my 8 and 10 year old girls up the stairs, pinching their little cheeks. I tell them I’ll most likely be doing it into their teens and adult years, so just learn to live with it.

san
san
13 years ago

one time i neglected to pick up a huge dead moth from the floor….so the 12 month old decided to chomp it all up…..i felt kinda bad but it was kinda funny at the same time

Jess in Nebraska
Jess in Nebraska
13 years ago

I. AM. DYING! That was so stinking hilarious and dead on.
LOVE YOUR BLOG!

bessie.viola
13 years ago

Oh, you have this right on. There is nothing like a one year old.

The best thing is just as you said – realizing that they can get their round diapered butts over to you and latch on for a big hug. Madeline’s are always complete with the sound effect of “Awwww.”

Heather
Heather
13 years ago

Best post ever. I am still laughing so hard I can’t speak. My 20 month old STILL WAKES UP every night at 3am yowling for Moulka Mulk!!!! And yes, I am too lazy to end this behavior so I get it. I like my sleep. You have such a talent for capturing the humor in parenthood!

Sarah0
Sarah0
13 years ago

OMG. The last one about the butts is so dead on. My daughter will most likely be traumatized for life because I can’t help but pinch her naked butt!

aimee
13 years ago

These are so perfect! Isn’t it funny how adults all say the same things in response to baby talk?

melissa
13 years ago

lol so true!

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