• I just went and tried to shoo three large, gang-banger-looking pigeons off the birdfeeder where they had scared off all our songbirds and were taking turns trying to balance on the narrow feeder edge with their giant stupid pigeon bodies while flapping around all crazy-like and spilling sunflower seeds everywhere and I say gang-banger because the minute I walked out towards the window flapping my own arms and yelling “HEY!” they turned their beady pigeon eyes to me and were like, BITCH I’MA CUTCHOO and I was like fuck, sorry, my bad, because that’s when I noticed they each had a tiny teardrop tattooed on their face. DUDE.

• Earlier this morning I was at this madhouse of a children’s play area and at the exact moment when both of my eyes had migrated to either side of my skull from the strain of trying to keep track of two kids, each racing all willy-nilly from one attraction to the other as though they had turbofans attached to their rear ends, a very nice girl introduced herself to me as a blog reader, and I was like, HI IT IS NICE TO OH EXCUSE ME I HAVE TO BLUDGEON MY CHILDREN WITH STICKS NOW HA HA HAAA, or something like that, and it was exactly like how I imagined it would be to run into a blog reader, except for the part where I looked like some kind of brain-damaged lady with unwashed hair who couldn’t even keep track of her own offspring, not that I had temporarily lost track of my three-year-old while the baby was busy licking a filthy metal step, or anything.

• Also at this play area they have a tiny basket with a sign that says “MOUTHED TOYS” and I don’t know what my goddamn problem is but I think it’s the funniest thing ever.

• No, wait, actually the funniest thing ever was this balloon my coworker got yesterday at the office as part of a 10-year anniversary celebration for him, like yay you’ve been working here ten years have a balloon and some cookies, and anyway the balloon was shaped like a monkey holding a partially peeled banana and the banana was right at the bottom of the monkey between where his monkey legs would have been if the balloon featured legs and as soon as I saw it I was like OH MY GOD THAT THING IS TOTALLY INAPPROPRIATE right in front of the entire staff who was gathered in the cafeteria and then because I never know when to stop I was all, see, it’s like the banana is his penis! IT’S LIKE A YELLOW MONKEY DICK! THAT HE’S HOLDING WITH HIS HAND! HE’S TOTALLY JERKING HIS MONKEY-MEAT ON THIS BALLOON DID YOU GET IT AT A PORN SHOP? OH MY GOD! AM I ALONE HERE? DO YOU SEE IT? DO YOU SEE THE BIG FAT YELLOW MONKEY BONER?

And then I was fired, the end.

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Eric's Mommy
Eric's Mommy
13 years ago

What? No picture of the monkey boner? Was it like the stuffed monkey boner at that creepy zoo?

Anne
Anne
13 years ago

If you went off on a rant about yellow monkey boners in my office I would *promote* you.

Also, I live in Chicago and I will concur that pigeons absolutely have gangs and gang signs and can be terrifying creatures. One flew INCHES from my head when I was leaving work last night. INCHES. Freaked me the hell out.

Janet
Janet
13 years ago

Seriously, did you get canned over THAT?
I’m a little worried

Tammy
Tammy
13 years ago

Coming into month TWO of being unemployed and on job application 110 with not even a sniff of an interview and this day has been ALA CRAP! Seriously depressed and thinking the sun is no longer shining in my world.

Then.. ‘Pidgeons that say ‘IMMA CUTCHOO’ and Monkey penis’s (or Penii?)and all of a sudden, I’m laughing and things don’t seem quite so shitty.

Tammy
Tammy
13 years ago

so yeah..

Thank you..

Sande
Sande
13 years ago

Husband’s been unemployed since Feb. 19th. Sucks BIG YELLOW MONKEY DICK!

What the hell, I got him to vacuum the house today…

justmouse (or Chaosmomm..whatever)
justmouse (or Chaosmomm..whatever)
13 years ago

dude…seriously, you can’t say things like “and then i was fired. the end.” and not EXPLAIN. cuz i’m one of those socially inept people that NEVER know when people are joking, or being serious, or being sarcastic or WTF. and now i’m all panicky wondering if maybe you really were fired, or maybe i’m just the world’s biggest LAMETARD because i totally didn’t get a joke…or something.

anyway…

“BITCH I’MA CUTCHOO” & “BIG FAT YELLOW MONKEY BONER”

…totally made my day.

(also…wtf are “mouthed toys”?? is that a basket of toys that are now shunned and slated for disposal because somebody’s spawn put it in their mouth and drooled on it? cuz if it is, wow, am i glad my kid is grown. i couldn’t handle the level of paranoia that surrounds kids these days)

Nicole
13 years ago

I LOL’d at Big Fat Yellow Monkey Boner.

Although, why a monkey shaped balloon? Is the coworker a monkey in disguise?

And I’m with the others who are confused over whether you still have a job or not. Except I blame 38.5 week pregnancy brain.

Lindsay
Lindsay
13 years ago

The “tiny teardrop tattooed on their face” was, without a doubt, the best mental image I have experienced in quite some time.

Kelsey
Kelsey
13 years ago

RE: the “mouthed toys”. There is a basket at the dog park I frequent that bears the sign “extra balls” and it never fails to make me snicker.

warcrygirl
13 years ago

Kelsey, the only thing funnier (and infinitely more inappropriate) would be a sign in front of a basket that read “Mouthed Balls”.

What?

seadragon
13 years ago
BellyGirl
13 years ago

Is this the *first* time you’ve ran into a reader? I find that hard to believe. The other day while in line for Chipotle I could have SWORN I saw Riley and was all looking around for YOU and then I realized what a weird ass stalker I am to think I am seeing that chick whose blog I read’s SON at Chipotle. Of course, if Riley is still missing from the play area, he’s here in Boulder, Colorado eating the best burritos everrrrrrr.

Rhea
Rhea
13 years ago

OMGawd this is all too funny, I am laughing out loud in the computer lab and everyone is all serious because.its.finals.week and I have a monkey banana penis balloon on my screen. There is a store near me called Chewy Balls, I think they sell smoothies or something, however I CANNOT being myself to check it out because hello! I am a 12 year old boy at heart and will be unable to control myself, CHEWY BALLS!

js
js
13 years ago

Quite possibly one of the best things I’ve read in a long time.

Also (I can’t believe I’m about to admit this) when you said “tiny teardrop tattooed on their face”, I missed the “tattooed” part and was all, WTF!? Pigeons CRY? And then I realized I’d had probably the worst blonde moment of my ENTIRE LIFE!

Krissa
Krissa
13 years ago

BellyGirl – uh, YES. Best ever!! How is that?! And NOW that is my first stop after work, my waistline thanks you.

seadragon
13 years ago

Google image search.

I had to see what it looked like!

Ashley
13 years ago

That balloon! What the HELL! I don’t know what is funnier though, the balloon or the fact people actually think you were fired.

And those pigeons….I know them…they killed my cat.

biscuit
biscuit
13 years ago

I’ve always wanted to ask you if you’ve ever had a fan approach you! I would probably pee my pants if I saw you out because I love your blog so much. Seriously! I cross my heart + big yellow monkey dick I would! ;)

MRW
MRW
13 years ago

So instead of birds on a wire, they were birds from The Wire? Sorry, I have a disorder where I can’t help myself from making bad jokes like that – see I should delete this comment, and yet, I’m going to go ahead and post it.

Kathy
Kathy
13 years ago

“Mouthed toys”???? Blech! At least they were labeled, right?

gingerest
gingerest
13 years ago

Wow, I can see why that monkey’s smiling.

deannagabriel
13 years ago

had a “yes sir may i please have another” sorta day today and this just made my night. HILARIOUS. thank you, i needed that.

Kari C.
Kari C.
13 years ago

LMFAO! Ok, just burst out laughing in a quiet coffee shop, and everyone stopped talking to look at me. Screw you people, this is funny shit! Must get that balloon for my friend after his hernia surgery….or maybe not. Wouldn’t want his intestines to pop back out. ;}

Mary
Mary
13 years ago

Awww… I bought a smaller version of that balloon for my 2 year old niece who likes monkeys… my joy has been sullied.
Seriously though, I didn’t even notice it could be construed as “dirty”. Well, so far my brother is still letting me come visit :)

Brianna
Brianna
13 years ago

My first thought was…..Johnny Chimpo? http://www.brandsoftheworld.com/brands/0016/4476/brand.gif (nsfw)

Josh
Josh
13 years ago

My coworkers are jaded to sex jokes. I had to search the internet for the most fucked up sex toys I could find, including princes wands and dildos modeled after animal cocks, and print them all out and leave them on desks in the office in order to shock them. Regular dick jokes no longer cut the mustard.

Also, I always wondered why people don’t eat pigeons. I mean there’s a shit ton of them in cities. (not here unfortunately or I would try, I haven’t seen a pigeon in years) You would think they would be relatively easy to trap and slaughter. Are they dirty creatures that spread man-bear-bird flu or what? They can’t be any grosser than eating raw fish in sushi, or pork rinds, or potted meat. You should get JB to set up some kind of pigeon trapping center in your backyard so you could live off the land. (that is if you like buffalo wings a lot, cause I don’t figure there’d be much meat on a pigeon)

Mary
13 years ago

I live in the area, and once I thought I saw someone who looked like you, and I got all flustered, because I’d really like to meet you but I can be such a dork, but then it wasn’t you. So if you’re ever out minding your own business and somebody comes up to you stammering and blushing and acting like an idiot, well, sorry about that in advance.

chraycee
13 years ago

Can’t…stop…laughing! For two days you’ve had me in stitches. Send oxygen!

Jennifer
13 years ago

Do what we do and shoot the pigeons with a bb gun. :)

bibliogrrl
bibliogrrl
13 years ago

no no no. Even WORSE than the Chewy Balls place (and zomfg I would kill for a bubble tea now, thanks) is here in Chicago? We have a place that makes custom flavored yogurt and hot puddings and ice creams. And it is called…wait for it… iCream. I cannot say it without cringing.

danielle
danielle
13 years ago

Your car is so going to be covered in pigeon poo in the morning!

Jillian
13 years ago

I don’t see anything wrong with that balloon. *humming to self*

Hillary
13 years ago

Pigeons = evil. End of story.

Red
Red
13 years ago

Bibliogrrl: we have a Vietnamese noodle shop not too far from here called, no lie, Pho King.
And yeah, iCream. Ick.

Christina
13 years ago

Our pigeons totally stake out the FRONT DOOR of our house. Freaking Indiana pigeons man. All farm ‘boy’ gangs. Like “look bitch you want to use the front?! You lookin’ at ma front door? I’m talkin’ to you, word” (all the while there is a big ole hay seed hanging from their beaks!) Indiana Mafia, yo! They won’t let other birds near the feeder that is close by…

Heather
Heather
13 years ago

Oh.My.God. I am crying.

Best post ever.

nonsoccermom
13 years ago

HA HA HA HA!! Hilarious!! And the balloon, YIKES.

Heather
13 years ago

First time commenting, absolutely had to. This is funny shit, all of it. I especially love the first bullet. “Bitch I’ma cutchoo!!!!” Great line. We use this phrase in our family but never have I seen it spelled that way and damn, I thought it was hilarious.

Thanks seadragon for the visual!

Kim
Kim
13 years ago

Had to chime in… We have a Chinese restaurant in our community …. Hello, this is Wong Kok, may I help you?

Maura
Maura
13 years ago

I don’t even remember how I came upon your blog but seriously you make my day, everyday, with your posts! Love the gang banger pigeons-they can be intimating.

Rachel
Rachel
13 years ago

Let me chime in with the name of our local Asian eatery:

PHUKET. Worth the delivery charge…

And Sundry? I am seriously contemplating the logistics of a move to CO so that I might woo you to BFF status. The last two posts are some funny shit.

Claudia
13 years ago

Yeah, I’ve got one of those “metal stairs licking” kids. Now, she just eats her own boogers and cackles manically when I tell her its gross. Something to look forward to when Dylan’s 4.

kristylynne
kristylynne
13 years ago

Have you seen the pigeons in Bolt? My three-year-old is constantly saying, “Wait for it … wait … ALIENS. Oh, snap.”

Hilarious.

GingerB
13 years ago

I know those pigeons – I do. . . from America’s Most Wanted. The tatoos give them away . . .

lisa-marie
13 years ago

Oh, that was SO funny! Between the teardrop-tattooed pigeons and the inappropriate monkey balloon I just snorted cold green tea out my nose!

veralynn
13 years ago

So tomorrow we’ll all be going along, minding our own business when all of a sudden we’ll snort laugh and mutter to ourselves, “monkey boner…heee!”

Your work here is done.

The Informal Matriarch
13 years ago

ummmm are you on Family Guy?

I so wish I could swear and say crazy stuff on my blog like you do but it would make my grandparents worry and pray and fast and I just can’t do that to them. UGH.