The thing I mostly remember about sex during pregnancy is how spectacularly unfair it seemed that while I was in the midst of this uncomfortable, ungainly, and totally selfless physical endeavor; this mammalian blimpfest that was all about the gift of life, which, by the way, was not exactly a gift for ME in the sense of, say, a nice new pair of earrings or shoes or something; this slow expansion that I had to carry out all by myself while my husband merrily walked around unfettered by distorted belly and wobbling upper arms and humiliatingly inflamed tissue erupting from his pooping region; I would also be expected to give it up.

Out of all the stacks of maternity books littering every surface of our house at that time (I read them obsessively during my first pregnancy with a dry-mouthed nervous fervor, positive I’d eventually discover the chapter that discussed how sometimes babies would simply explode in utero and that the first sign of such an unspeakable catastrophe was an inexplicable craving for liverwurst) which JB delicately ignored, the one piece of so-called “information” he somehow managed to retain was that after the gaggy exhaustion of the first trimester, pregnant women got really horny.

“Not necessarily true,” I told him.

“But—”

“No.”

“I bet you just—”

“No.”

“But the book said—” he’d start, and I’d wildly flap a hand around my body, both to indicate that he observe and recognize my general state of disrepair, and also to dissipate the odor of my most recent bodily emission. Liverwurst, jesus.

Between the aching boobs, overtaxed bladder, digestive issues, unpleasantly-located skin tags, creepily visible blue veins, puffy cankles, and sinuses that essentially sealed completely shut for eight straight months and forced me to breathe through my mouth with tongue slightly extended, I didn’t exactly feel as though my body was a wonderland. A loaf of Wonderbread, maybe. I couldn’t identify with the soft-focus gently-smiling women in the maternity books (inevitably sporting, it must be said, a protuberant mass of retro-styled pubic hair) who cradled their ripe bellies and were probably up for some meaningful side-position spousal action whenever their loving husbands so much as lowered an eyelid in their direction.

I also had vague concerns about the collateral damage the baby might sustain during a vigorous bout of lovemaking on our parts. I realized the absurdity of my thinking, yet I couldn’t help picturing our future child and the permanent indentation in his skull. Perfect for holding a small handful of M&Ms, but difficult to explain, this malformation would draw stares from the other children and grow unpleasantly moist during rainy days—all because Mom and Dad were watching True Blood one night and got carried away by all the smutty vampire scenes.

“That’s . . . uh, flattering,” said JB when I confessed my fear of Fetal Battering Ram Syndrome. “Also, insane. But if you’re really worried about it, I have a perfect solution.”

“This isn’t the thing where you offer to take my temperature, is it?” I said.

“Of course not, honey,” he soothed. “I was just going to say that I know you’re tired and I know how much work this is, and I want you to know that I’m here for you.” He reached out and held my hand, stroking my fingers.

A hormonal surge welled up inside me, and I sniffled in gratitude. “Thanks.”

“I want you to know,” he said, staring deeply into my eyes while I basked in the purity of the moment, feeling our newfound bond as partners and soon-to-be-parents. My lover, my best friend, the father of my child. “That a blow job is always a welcome option.”

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Celine
Celine
13 years ago

Your. Husband. Rules.

Plan and simple.

Celine
Celine
13 years ago

Um. Plain. Plain and simple.

My fingers are too fast. Or something.

Eric's Mommy
Eric's Mommy
13 years ago

You are too funny Linda. I felt the same way when I was pregnant, the whole skull indentation thing. I think that is part of the reason why my husband doesn’t want me to be pregnant again.

Serenity Now
13 years ago

hahahaha, that so used to piss me off when hubs would say stuff like that when I was pregnant. I usually stomped off spouting about how “oh yeah, let me do ANOTHER thing for you…cause doing your laundry and cooking you dinner and growing a person isn’t enough! Let me just get my fat pregnant ass down on my knees and make sure that you’re fully satisfied”….
and then I’d tell him to let “Palmala” do the work so I could get some sleep.
Good times!

Rach
13 years ago

Okay, so how sick and twisted am I (or maybe, more to the point, is my husbnad) that I thought this was going…. buttward?

Sheri
Sheri
13 years ago

:LOL: Hmmmmmm…I think I heard that while I was pregnant too! Because I was just phyically exhausted all the time this was apparently the answer! HA!

Jessie
13 years ago

My husband was as terrified of denting the baby as I was uninterested, so it kind of worked out for me pretty well. Thank God. I’ve never felt so unsexy in my whole life. Yeah, I had the glowy, thought my body was doing something incredible thing going on, but also mostly felt like a gassy elephant.

Kim
Kim
13 years ago

This didn’t surprise me at all, as my husband feels the b-job is the answer to most of my problems.
They are a delight, aren’t they?

She Likes Purple
13 years ago

One pregnancy book warns that pleasuring a woman COULD possibly kill the baby if you start blowing into her vagina causing an air bubble to slip into the blood stream or something ridiculous like that but a blow job would always be safe. We learned this from a friend who was reading it, and when Mike was told this, he walked around doing the same thing our friend’s husband did: pointing to his junk and saying, “ALWAYS SAFE!”

Cookie
13 years ago

I was horny the first time. When I could sleep in on weekends and was partially unemployed and slept during the week, and well, got lots of sleep. The second time, not so much. I would get so frustrated. But I’m so tired I would complain. And I hurt. And I have to pee. A blow job was always the answer. Uhg! Isn’t making a new person enough?

SJ
SJ
13 years ago

So hilariously true that I laughed while reading this…and even snorted.

Talk about sexy.

lola
lola
13 years ago

I forwarded this to my husband!! SO true.

PS – what kind of camera do you have? Your photos are fantastic.

susie
susie
13 years ago

I knew that was coming. Your husband is a trip.

When I get pregnant (don’t all the best statements start out that way? I’m sure you’re just waiting for whatever gem of naive wisdom I’m about to come out with), you can bet I’m not fellating anyone without being showered with gifts or uh.. getting one hell of a massage or something first.

And I’m curious to see whether I am worried about Fetal Battering Ram Syndrome (neologism!).

Jen
Jen
13 years ago

Hahaha, this was too funny…and probably a look into my future. I can totally see the boyfriend using that line down the road…since he uses it enough now anyway.

Alexa
Alexa
13 years ago

“Perfect for holding a small handful of M&Ms, but difficult to explain, this malformation would draw stares from the other children and grow unpleasantly moist during rainy days—all because Mom and Dad were watching True Blood one night and got carried away by all the smutty vampire scenes.”

HA!

C @ Kid Things
13 years ago

When I was pregnant, the only thing I felt like putting in my mouth was a donut.

Kelly
13 years ago

To people who think you can’t really get to know someone online, I say this:

The second I read JB’s name, I knew this story was going to end, one way or another, with the words “blow job.”

Jen
Jen
13 years ago

oh gawd. We had that EXACT. SAME. CONVERSATION.

He’s just lucky I was too fat to catch him or I’d have beat the crap out of him.

Erin
13 years ago

Your husband and mine, they are cut from the same cloth: Benevolent Man Cloth, available at Testicles R Us.

Stephanie
13 years ago

Rach and I were on the same path. The rear entry path.

Good lord. That would be fucking awful.

duchessbelle
13 years ago

That might be the most excellent use of imagery, ever. I had to put my head down on my desk to muffle the giggles.

Liz
Liz
13 years ago

So, during the L&D class the hospital made you go to before your child is born, the nurse asked: “What is something you can use to ensure you don’t get pregnant again right after giving birth?” His answer? “Her anus”

True story.

Lesley
Lesley
13 years ago

The last paragraph is followed by

“…and that’s when I shot him, your honour.”

Renee
Renee
13 years ago

hmm. My husband oddly decided that going down on ME during pregnancy gave him the heebie-geebies. And apparently still does… baby is now 3 months old!

Give and ye shall receive, I tell him…

Carrie
13 years ago

Seriously. They think it’s the answer to EVERYTHING.

ugh.

Danell
13 years ago

OMG, Liz, DID YOU DIE?

Nicole
13 years ago

Yeah we had the same conversation about the blowjob.

And the anus comment – too funny

Di
Di
13 years ago

Seven months pregnant, and we have this conversation nearly every other day.

Like gestating isn’t enough these days!

Annie
Annie
13 years ago

lol… I bought my husband a this weird-ass soft plastic squishy tube-like… um, girl part likeness? Didn’t tell him about it until one night, when he slid his big ol’ cold-ass foot up the back of my leg, I reached into my night stand got the thing and slapped it into his groping palm. The confused/stunned/delighted look on his face was worth the $30 bucks I’d payed for the damn thing.

Melissa
13 years ago

Hahahaha! I’m going to do my best to propegate this entry!

Melissa
13 years ago

and spell propagate correctly.

Suzy Voices
13 years ago

I was going down the butt road too! AKA Hershey Highway.

Deb
Deb
13 years ago

That JB – he’s a giver. Why is it that out of ALL the information and worries and doctor visits, the ONE thing they manage to remember is “my buddy said his wife couldn’t get enough when she was pregnant”. I am starting to think that it’s just an ugly urban myth. I certainly have never known any woman who said she was horny during pregnancy.

OMG Annie, that is so funny! I am jealous I did not think of it!

donna
13 years ago

UGH! Why do they always think that BJs are just the easier option? Seriously, I’d rather just lay there making the appropriate noises. BJs are much more work.

And yes, I don’t know a single woman who actually had the hormone surge and was horny during the 4th month.

Jen
Jen
13 years ago

Ditto. To this day, when I’m tired and exhausted and just got the 6-yr old to bed and the dishes and the garbage and oh-crap-the-cleaning-people-are-here-tomorrow and I’m PMSing and my trainer kicked my as…..NO, I’m not in the mood!

justmouse (or Chaosmomm..whatever)

this. THIS is the reason you are my favorite damn writer in the WORLD!

i was one of those women who after the first 3 months of “don’t-you-dare-fucking-TOUCH-me-you-selfish-bastard”, became a waddling, rotund, insatiable lust-beast.

also, i can’t even count the number of times when for one reason or another i wasn’t up for sex, and my husband kindly, helpfully, offered: “well, if it’ll make you feel better, i’ll let you give me a blow job”

lastly, Liz: OMG.

LJ
LJ
13 years ago

Men! – always their option…….

warcrygirl
13 years ago

Hubby was the same way. My oldest was born in January; during the month of December he wouldn’t hesitate to channel some Andrew Dice Clay: “It’s Christmas, so blow me!”

I’d like to meet just one woman who was insatiably horny during her pregnancy because I’m totally convinced it’s an urban legend.

Kim
Kim
13 years ago

LMAO!

Lesley
Lesley
13 years ago

Heh, we all know the Man Cold video may as well be a DOCUMENTARY.

Imagine a man birth video. There would be statues and monuments to their Herculean efforts.

No wait. Imagine men having to menstruate. They’d have mandatory sick leave.

Jody
13 years ago

Yeah because the first thing you want to do when you can’t breathe through your nose at all is give someone a blow job. I seriosuly think you could suffocate!

Amy
Amy
13 years ago

HA. LOVE this post!

Becky Mochaface
13 years ago

You know, that’s exactly what DF would say. In fact he pretty much said “you have to, I gave you something small and sparkly.” Damn him for getting his way.

Helen
13 years ago

The horny pregnant woman, story made up by a man…right along with the ‘sex makes you go into labor, we should do it’ Liars, every one of them.

Leah
13 years ago

“Front door? Back door? Mouth?” That’s become a bit of a Family Theme in our house, so thanks for that.

(Perhaps Simon will set it to music some day? Does JB want royalties?)

Anyabeth
13 years ago

Count me on the side of thinking that this was headed to the backdoor too. JB is brilliantly predictible as always.

Mama Ritchie
13 years ago

I have to agree with Donna – they don’t call it a job for nothin’!

THANK YOU for writing this. I’ve been on pelvic rest for the last two months – awesome phrase btw. So my husband is like, “there’s SO MUCH MORE we can do…” I handed him the baby oil and said, “Have a great third trimester!”

Oh, when my doc told me I was on pelvic rest and absolutely nothing could go “up there” (swear to god) I asked him where I was gonna keep that roll of quarters I like to carry, you know, in case of emergencies.

Emblita
13 years ago

I have to admit- I was one of those horny women in my second trimester… the first time around. Because I a) wasn’t working, b) was getting tons of sleep and weekly massages and c) didn’t have a toddler.
This time around… not so much. Between, work, toddler, housework and the daily grind. I’m mostly too exhausted to do any of that funky stuff. Hubby must just help himself.

babelbabe
babelbabe
13 years ago

ohmigod, I laughed so hard my children came running over to demand to know why I was laughing. I did NOT tell them. But not because I didn’t want to.

The indented head especially struck me as amusing.