No one mentioned my CLEVER use of the word “Twilight” in yesterday’s post title. TWILIGHT. Because he bit me, see? And it was in the middle of the night? Get it? It works on so many levels! HA HA HA HA ehhh.

Anyway, whether it’s teething (every time I peer into his scream-hole there seem to be more and more teeth erupting from his gums, further and further back, possibly in double rows like a goddamned shark) or just plain 18-month Hellfire Missile stage, I am suddenly noticing that Dylan is biting everything lately. I’m the only one that’s experienced teeth-to-skin contact so far, but whenever he’s angry he runs off to bite sofa cushions, furniture, toys, his own hand, and random passing wads of dog fur. When I was changing his diaper yesterday and he was pitching his usual fit about the great injustice of having someone wipe smashed-flat poop remnants off his ass, he groped wildly behind him, snatched a book off the changing table, and furiously chewed the cover while staring at me with murderous eyes. His meaning could not have been more clear: I WOULD GNAW YOUR FACE-FLESH OFF IF I COULD, WOMAN.

Ah, biting. It’s always something, isn’t it? I remember when Riley went through a hitting stage and in throes of a tantrum would raise his little fist to us and we’d be looking at him like, are you kidding me right now? I know there are all sorts of techniques for dealing with small children who physically assault you, but my first reaction is always incredulous anger: you sure you want to start this? Because man, you be writing checks your tiny ass can’t cash.

The only thing that makes the parenthood pendulum survivable is that after it goes swinging through the Bad Place—after you’ve actually felt your your patience get up, briskly dust off its hands, mutter “fuck this”, and saunter away with a GONE FISHIN’ sign left in its wake—it always goes hurtling back in the other direction. The same kid who just spent five minutes screaming and drumming his angry little hooves into your belly while you had the audacity to pull a pair of jeans over his thigh-rolls is suddenly giggling and burying his face in your knees, clinging to you like a happy barnacle. And so it goes. All you can do is hang on during those times you’re dragged into the shit.

And if you’re really lucky, you’ll manage to snap a photo that provides you with endless, wicked cheer, that seems custom-made for lifting your spirits when you’re neck-deep and floundering.

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Ohhh, head-bonk. Yeah, that’s gotta suck. Everyone okay? Yes? Cool, just let me get another picture or two, then.

Tomorrow we’re heading down to the cabin in Oregon for one last summer outing. Although Riley’s birthday isn’t until the 31st, we’re having a family celebration on Saturday, which should be fun. I also plan to try out my newly acquired swimming skills in the Umpqua River, and hopefully do so without remaining laser-focused on that one time I saw a dead seal in the water. A DEAD ROTTING SEAL FLOATING JUST UNDER THE SURFACE OH MY GOD.

Tell me, what are you guys up to this weekend?

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Eric's Mommy
12 years ago

A dead seal!!??

Riley’s face in that picture is priceless.

Saturday is my birthday and I plan on doing NOTHING! We are supposed to have some bad rain on Sunday so I will be looking forward to that, I love storms.

samantha jo campen
12 years ago

“The same kid who just spent five minutes screaming and drumming his angry little hooves into your belly while you had the audacity to pull a pair of jeans over his thigh-rolls is suddenly giggling and burying his face in your knees, clinging to you like a happy barnacle.”

My favorite sentance ever.

Theo is biting everything in anger too. He’ll throw his hand in his mouth and chomp on it when we say “No touch please! THANK YOU!” while he’s going after the outlet. It’s. . .it’s insane actually. Then he cries because he hurt himself. Uh huh.

As for OUR weekend? Well we’re just trying to figure out where we’re living while not being killed by chemicals and concrete dust. Other than that, nothing!

penne
12 years ago

Oh, the agony of teeth. I kept my little wolverines filled with baby Motrin for several months of their lives. Also handed them cold wet washcloths to gnaw on which seemed to help. And save the bite marks in my shoulder.
Good luck on your swim…my plan is to spend several hours getting reacquainted with my road bike. After dusting off three years of neglect.

alomellin
alomellin
12 years ago

” but my first reaction is always incredulous anger:”
You have got to get out of my head. I picked my 18 month old son up from daycare yesterday. He was playing with a Dora The Explorer toy. It was time to go so I made him leave. OH MY GOD. You should have seen the injustice of it all. He pulled out all the stops, screaming, pulling the “I have no bones” the whole way out the door. Then he moved onto the extreme back arching so I couldn’t get him in the car seat. It was hot, I was sweating and horribly ANGRY. I was really mad at him. How can I be mad at my baby? Well, I was. I’m so glad I’m not the only one. You just saved my soul a bit. Later he cuddled up to me and I felt bad for being mad..but dammit….I was REALLY pissed. *phew, that feels better.

JennB
12 years ago

i thought they were both doing facepalm but a captured post-headbonk on camera? priceless.

dead seal, ew,

Maria
12 years ago

Wow, that was all kinds of funny, and that picture is awesome! Poor little dudes.

I think we may actually have a partially child free weekend coming up (YAHOOOO!!!!), and my first reaction was that I could get some uninterrupted house cleaning done. So exciting!!! I think In need to re-evaluate pronto.

Jodie
Jodie
12 years ago

I thought the best part of the post wasn’t Twilight, it was the quote about wanting credit for not screaming MF”ER and whipping him out the window. I laughed so hard I spit my drink out. Then I tried to get my husband to listen to that paragraph but he is a man, after all, and didn’t.

Jodie
Jodie
12 years ago

Since I’ve never responded to these either, I wanted to say I’ve been reading your posts for a few months and you are hilarious! I’ve been struggling with some wicked PPD since my daughter was born last December and your loving but equally evil humor is just what I need sometimes. So…Thanks! and PLEASE write a book! I will buy it and I never buy books, I get them free from the library, ha.

Jessie
12 years ago

I did notice the Twilight thing, but didn’t know if I was being ridiculous or if you meant it on purpose. I did chuckle though, so you’re not alone in thinking it was clever.

Amen on the parenting thing. We were just about to drop our daughter off somewhere with a “free to a good home” sign around her neck the other day, and then all of the sudden she switched gears and I realized how much I love being her mom. It’s wonderfully frustrating, no?

Weekend plans – having people over to our new house for the first time. That necessitates much preparation cleaning tonight, but I’m looking forward to showing it off. Hope you guys have a great trip!

Hillary
12 years ago

That picture is amazing.

This weekend, I will be dismantling the crib and moving in a twin for The Boy … and then probably cleaning up the messes he makes when he gets out of bed in the middle of the night.

Emily
12 years ago

I will choose (WITH GREAT RESTRAINT) not to tell you about the dead things I have heard friends have encountered during open water swims, so I will just say that I saw a dead possum in a lake one day, and it was swollen and grotesque and also COMPLETELY BALD. I don’t know why the fur fell out but at first I thought I was looking at a pig except WHY would a pig be floating in a lake in metro-DC? IT WOULN’T. It was a dead bald possum and it was disgusting.

Korinna
12 years ago

That photo! You can practically hear the sound of coconuts.

Our weekend? Pfft. Escaping to get a haircut, swimming at the pool, hoping to make it through the 48 hrs unscathed.

Jen
Jen
12 years ago

We are happily doing NOTHING. We drove up to Maine the past two weekends, and are looking forward to a relaxing weekend at home with no plans. Though we might catch a PawSox game Saturday night. So looking forward to the relaxation!

Annabelle
12 years ago

Delurking…I love your writing – you’re one of the few blog writers whose links I click on as soon as they appear in my reader. Even though we are childless (not entirely by choice), you parenthood so real. Thank you.

This weekend? 6 mile run Saturday morning, followed by the neighborhood pig roast, of course! (Doesn’t everyone have one of those?) Whee!

Annabelle
12 years ago

Whoops…supposed to be “you MAKE parenthood so real”. Gah.

Jennifer
12 years ago

Family reunion with the most distant cousin possible…bleck :( Oh and lots of fishing on the Puyallup river while pawning the kid off on the grandparents!

I have a friend who performs necropsies on those dead seals and other dead things that was ashore for a living…and likes it. Weird, I know.

Sarah
12 years ago

This weekend I’ll will be attending a travel lecture about European architecture given by my brother in law. Which, uh, I’m actually more excited about than I possibly should be, given the kind of inherently dorky nature of lectures. But it’ll be like vicarious travel!

Maggie
Maggie
12 years ago

Love your writing, seriously. And love that you aren’t afraid to write what you are thinking…because I think everyone thinks the same things, but some Moms don’t want to admit it! So thank you :).

Friday night redeye to NYC for another wedding (+ college reunion, holy hell, this is going to be a very drunken weekend..)…back to LA Sunday morning…IF hurricane Bill doesn’t interfere, which he BETTER not because I need a quiet afternoon at home in LA already, after being in Boston for my sister’s wedding LAST weekend!

Gigi
12 years ago

Oh my hell! How funny. But not. I’ve been there (once long ago) and this post (and the previous) so reminded me of what those days were like. You truly can’t make this stuff up! Just wait, it gets better and worse all at the same time! Hehehe.

And Jessie – I used to tell my son I was going to do the same thing: drop him off somewhere with a “free to a good home” sign!

Claudia
12 years ago

I just remembered that my second daughter used to bite. I think she was about this age, too. Maybe it’s teething or just the evil inside them trying to get out (joke; sorta), I don’t know. But she eventually stopped. Like everything about kids.

This weekend is actually completely free unless I get suckered into taking them to the lake. Maybe I’ll get their hair cut instead.

Steph
Steph
12 years ago

Saturday is my son’s first birthday so I am making him a cake depicting a giraffe driving a car (his two favorite things) and letting him open gifts. I also plan to pretend he gives a couple of shits about all this.

Kristi
Kristi
12 years ago

When my 16 month old gets pissed at me, she’ll grab the nearest object and shove it in her mouth, clearly hoping it is something she’s not supposed to put in her mouth, as her goal seems to show me who’s boss.

Except more often then not, it turns out to be a benign object, like a toy, and I can’t help but note that “she showed me” and just calmly look at her as she angrily gnaws away. Pretty cute.

Jamie
12 years ago

I will be spending the weekend staying within reaching distance of my computer, just in case my sister goes into labor and I have to hijack her website and facebook to provide breaking baby news updates. (her due date is Monday, so we’ll see) Yay for another adorable nephew!

Stacy
12 years ago

I LOVE that photo of the boys!! Completely adorable!

As for MY weekend? Gawd it’s gonna be a $hit $how …. I decided about a half hour ago that I want to host a girls night dinner…Hopefully my 3yo can help me clean (HA! Who am I kidding!)

Cookie
12 years ago

Ah the biting, it’s Nick’s new favorite word. “Bi, bi” he’ll say as he lifts up his foot and puts it in his mouth and chomps down. “Bi, bi” he’ll say as he’s holding your hand before he sinks his teeth into it. “Bi, bi” he’ll say as he crawls up the stairs with me walking behind him as he looks for a delicate piece of flesh to sink his teeth into. Really love the biting.

As for the weekend, let’s see, I have plans to go to a BBQ and bowling with a group of friends. Also some geektastic web-site testing for a friend’s company. Next weekend, as our last hurrah of summer we’re going to my in-laws country house again and then going to the Shenandoah County Fair.

Angella
12 years ago

That photo is twenty shades of awesome.

Emily was a biter and was feared by all of her “friends” at that age. She would grab on tight and lunge in for the kill.

She grew out of it, though. Now she just throws things. Baby steps.

jen
jen
12 years ago

Kind of makes you want to cover everything in that bitter apple spray they make for dogs, huh? (I’d pay to see pics of D’s face after an encounter with that stuff, btw… just sayin.)
My weekend will be spent tackling the mountain of tomatoes we are harvesting from our garden – salsa, marinara, maybe some vodka cream sauce… and an experiment in chocolate zucchini cupcakes. (Not kidding!)

Christina
12 years ago

Crap, that biting part had me giggling uncontrolably. Perhaps it is the cold I can feel coming on but my gawd that was hysterical… the book the muderous look, ahh that is good stuff!

The weekend? Probably down to the local outlets to get the kids fall/winter clothings and a visit with some friends and their kids complete with pizza delivery and lots of toys. Cleaning, the house needs cleaning. And running. I have a four mile and a six mile run to do this weekend.

Donna
Donna
12 years ago

Is there a small possibility that Dylan is a zombie? After all, cat IS missing. And he is too little for dog, although he eats the fur….and now he’s bitten you.. It’s just a matter of time till they show their true colors, lol.
(Keep a close eye on him, I would.)

Jackie
Jackie
12 years ago

Have you been spying on my family? I swear this is my life right now and this is not the first time I’ve commented saying this exact same thing on your blog. How funny!

Just last night my son was mad at me for something and he proceeded to try to bite the slats of his crib. But not sideways like any self respecting crib biter but vertically. Then he would rub his nose and cry because he hurt it. He is always trying to bite me…sometimes not even when he’s mad but just slowly takes my finger and tries to put it in his mouth. Are you kidding me? Give me more credit, kid!

I love that you are not afraid to tell it like it is. Some bloggers sugar coat everything…they would never post that their kid bites them, the couch, or their own hand. It is nice to know it is normal or at least happening to someone else.

Andrea
12 years ago

The drama at our house reaches new peaks every day. Today is was the woes of having a diaper change, yesterday it was over being served peaches instead of bananas for breakfast. Give me a break kif. Thankfully, no biting yet, but lots of hair pulling. We’re off to spend our first night away from the kid in 10 months. Comfy hotel bed plus room service equals one very happy woman (not to mention rested).

Tracy
Tracy
12 years ago

I’m de-lurking to tell you to be careful of the river current while you’re swimming! Currents can run pretty swift.

Courtney
12 years ago

You know how some people have the nice posed family portriat hanging over the fireplace? You should totally have a huge print of that picture instead; it is AWESOME! I love the look of astonishment on both of their faces!

Since we close on the sale of DJ’s condo on August 31, (Riley’s birthday), we are moving into the temporary apartment we’ll be living in while we BUILD A HOUSE this fall!

Who is crazy enough to try to build a house and plan a wedding in the same year?

>>>>>>>>>this girl<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Tia
Tia
12 years ago

Wow can I just insert this right into my kids babybook cause it’s way funnier than my version! Mine has a blanket that usually gets the most abuse. My oldest used to do it when he was REALLY excited, which kinda sucks cause you have to push away a happy kid.
Have fun this weekend. We are going to a tractor show. The boy is OBSESSED with tractors so we think it will be fun.

Liz M.
12 years ago

Just FYI: the full text of this post is showing up in my Google reader. It seems the technical issues with RSS feeds has been fixed…?

This weekend I’m getting my hairs cut and babysitting for two boys, ages 4 & 6. Even though they’re not mine, I still experience some of the rejection angst. The youngest one broke his arm recently, and ever since he’s been very clingy with his mom. I’ve been with them since he was 18 mos old, and he never had a problem with mom leaving. Now he gets anxious and ignores me whenever I walk in the door, and requires 5 minutes of goodbye hugs and kisses before he’ll let mom go. Sometimes we even get a full blown tantrum. I know he’s just experiencing some trauma from the break (it did require surgery), but the rejection still hurts.

CBO
CBO
12 years ago

Getting ready for baby #2 to arrive next week.

kalisa
12 years ago

My son’s b-day is Aug. 30. He’ll be 16. Can I give you some unsolicited assvice?

IDK what the cut-off date for school is in Washington. Here, it’s Sept. 1. So Elijah was JUST under the wire. Our choice was, do we let him start, and he’ll be the absolute youngest person in his class, or hold him back, and he’ll be the very oldest?

Of course, being doting parents, we were convinced our child was TOO SMART to wait a year. We started him. 10 years later, if we had it to do all over again, we both agree we would TOTALLY TOTALLY wait.

He really hates being the youngest person in his class. He’s a month into his junior year before he even gets his license. If he were just a sophomore this year, he’d be one of the only ones driving. How cool would that be?

And now that he’s going to be leaving for college in 2 years, I really wish he were just turning 19 & leaving and not just barely 18.

Sorry. When I saw that Riley’s birthday is practically the same as Elijah’s I couldn’t help myself.
xoxox

js
js
12 years ago

ACK! First with the MILFOIL and now with the DEAD SEAL!? I am never stepping foot in anything other than my brothers pool. EVER (except even that scares me given what Goon Squad Sarah ran into…)

And this weekend…taking my daughter to a hotel that has a water park. So…great timing all of you with the nasty water happenings posts!

Gag!

Michelle Whitehurst
12 years ago

Wow You make me laugh!!! You are so dead on!

Beth
Beth
12 years ago

Holy shit, Oregon rivers are COLD! Did you buy a wetsuit? If not, you are even more of a badass than I previously thought!

Becky Mochaface
12 years ago

Love that pic!

This weekend is the first weekend in two, quite possibly three, months that I don’t have it packed to the ceiling with shit to do. I do have an appointment with the florist. Other than that, blissfully nothing.

Lucy Fur
Lucy Fur
12 years ago

I’m not sure things change all that much. I don’t remember the wee-stages too well anymore but my then-ten year old (14 now) threw a MASSIVE hissy fit one day in the living room in front of me and my sister, stormed into the bathroom, slammed the door, kicked the laundry basket, stomped into the bedroom out the other bathroom door, slammed that one too and then 2 minutes later came popping out of the bedroom door (one giant loop)laughing about something he had read. Holy crap. We called him and his brother our little “bi-polar bears”.

As for the dead seal? Gross. But it brought to mind the thought that if there are dead seals in there than there have to be live seals, right? And a lady was just attacked here in Wisconsin by 2 otters, seals can’t be too different? Eeek!

kristin c.
12 years ago

Dude….good luck with the lingering seal carcass’ (carci?) that is just plain horrifying.

This weekend we were going to attempt sleep training our 9 week old. But after our experiance last night (infant puking, mommy in wild hysterics screaming at daddy that he is “unsupportive, etc”) we will instead be going to a Pearl Jam concert and drinking in excess.

Amanda
12 years ago

Am NOT WORKING, huzzah! I’ve worked every weekend since the beginning of time and I’m not working this one, which means I’m probably doing laundry and cleaning and… fuck. Being an adult sucks.

Also: your seal sighting reminds me of that scene in Dances with Wolves with the deer or whatever it was. WTF, I would DIE because deadunderthewateromgaaaaieeeeeeee!

Debi
Debi
12 years ago

First rule of open water swimming – open your eyes only when you come up for a breath!

Mama Bub
12 years ago

“…you be writing checks your tiny ass can’t cash.”

I’m going to laugh through the weekend about that one.

Nicole
12 years ago

That photo is AWESOME! My Riley is way into the head butting as a method to convey affection. It’s sweet and all… Until he catches you unprepared while you are carrying him through Costco and cracks you hard in the FREAKIN EYEBALL with his forehead.

We will be attending a birthday party for a 2 year old, complete with pony rides and a petting zoo. And Riley will probably be unimpressed, but I’m going to pet the crap out of some cute and fluffy baby animals!

JudithinNYC
JudithinNYC
12 years ago

Saw that head bonk photo on twitter last night (this am?) and laughed my head off. You would think that the second time I would not be laughing until I cried.

This weekend? I am heading to my baby boy’s wedding in Cancun(youngest but first to get married, though).

Andrea
12 years ago

I like Courtney’s suggestion to have that picture blown up and hung in a prominent place on your wall. I could recomment a photo lab so you could get it at cost, if you’re interested. In fact, you take enough pictures that you’d probably like that anyway so here’s the website: https://labworks.diversifiedlab.com/ I believe professional photogs use them (and I have gotten fancy Christmas pictures from them that are as good as the ones you’d get at a photographer’s studio) and you dont’ need a tax ID number or anything. FYI.

My daughter (19 months) threw a fit this morning because I’m trying to get her to quit the bottles and switch to sippy cups. She’s really attached to her bottles, so teh fit ensued: flopping on the floor (being careful not to bonk her head which is hilarious) and the whole Stay Puft Marshmallow Man offended face with real big tears and kicking feet. Then she rolled to her belly and kicked some more. Then she came to me for a hug, because the world is a cruel place without her bottle, and surely a hug would change my mind, and when I said no to the bottle again, she repeated the whole process.

THREE TIMES.

Oy.

When we pick her up? She comes running like she hasn’t seen us for a week and we’re life sustaining to her very soul. It’s heaven.

The dichotomy of the Terrible Twos.