Living this dream right now. My daughter’s had the flu this week and was in daycare for a grand total of 1-1/2 days. Am praying it doesn’t pass next to the boy-child. At least my kid’s gotten to watch TV to her heart’s content. I feel especially out of it at work because I was on vacation for 5 days, then we had 2 inservice days for school so I was mostly unavailable for that. Am waiting for things to go back to normal, then I remember that life with kids means there IS no normal.

I used to worry about this stuff. I just got laid off Wednesday from the job I had for 11 years, right out of college. Now I have a whole other list of things to worry about. Especially if my kid gets sick, my health insurance runs out on the 31st.

This is the curse of the working parents. My husband and I have gone round and round many a discussion over whether or not our kids are well enough to go to daycare. In fact, I’m one of those bad parents where if they are sporting a mild temp in the morning, and seem otherwise fine, I’ll dose ‘em with Tylenol and send them on their merry way. Hey, it could just be teething, right? But then when my kid does get really sick, I’m inwardly cursing other parents for sending their germ infested spawn to school. So basically, I hate people who act just like me.

The way I see it, when you’ve got projects due, and you’ve already been out a couple of days, and your walking that fine line where you get that feeling like you’ll be sitting there in a few hours watching them merrily dance around the living room, you’ve got to give it a shot. I did the same thing a couple of weeks ago after my boy had already been out sick for 3 days. He was acting fine and fever free, so I sent him. Three hours later I got the call that he had upchucked his lunch and he had to go home. I was full of apologies and “I thought he was better” statements, but as I picked him up and he was doing that half sleep still sobbing thing that he does after he’s been crying for a while, I felt like the hugest piece ‘o cow dung that ever graced the earth. So yeah, right there with ya.

My husband works on commision and I’m salary…so guess who stays home.

I always feel like the crappy parent when the first thing I ask the doctor is ‘when can they go back to the sitter?’

Me = A-Hole Parent

I will say that one nice thing about my job is that it’s day by day work. I don’t have projects or deadlines or staff meetings. I have pick up & delivery times, shippers & customers. So if I’m out a day or five, the freight keeps moving.

I can absolutely, on a near-daily basis, relate to the feeling of letting everyone down, of failing a little bit (or hell, a lot sometimes) on all fronts. Again, I just have the one kid, but it’s been a terrible thing for this lil’ overachiever to realize I cannot do it all — of the seven or nine or twenty-four balls I have in the air at any given time (FT work, kid, husband, family, friends, me, etc.), a handful are going to fall. They just are. Different ones every time, different combos, different weights, different impacts — but there’s no way to keep them ALL aloft ALL the time. And yet I still try. What else can you do?

And specifically about the sick kid: We’ve had that lately too (though not of the two-man barf tag-team variety), and I absolutely hear you on being “that one who’s always home with her sick kid.” Ugh. And then the poor sick kid. Double ugh. Can’t win for losin’ …

UGH, this is what I fear, right here. My husband and I have decided, for various reasons and with lots of thought and consideration, that he will shift to part time work when we have kids and I will remain full time. I’m totally on board, we’ve got A Plan, and it will be Fine.

But. BUT. I just…notice a trend that working moms take the slack that working dads don’t. And this isn’t to imply that I think my husband won’t do his fair share, or that JB doesn’t help as much as you do (obviously, not knowing your life I’m going to give him the full benefit of any doubt) but it just seems that when women stay home with a sick kid, it’s expected and when men do, that they’re doing something “special” they deserve a reward for taking the time to do an unpleasant parenting thing.

Outside of having a colicky baby (good GOD I fear this), I am so, so scared of this feeling, of not being able to do everything I need to do. Of failing at all of it. And while I’m excited and happy I have a husband that is fully supportive of my career and wants to facilitate me keeping it when we have kids… I just don’t know how that reality plays out. Or if it plays out perfect, if I will still feel like I’m failing.

We were just there. My son got the flu and then I got it. I’m home on maternity leave, but my husband still had to stay home from work the last two days because I was on death’s door and REALLY don’t want my three month old to get this hell plague. Balancing sick kids and work is even more hellish than the usual balance. I hear you.

This morning Jackson threw up in his bed, and I thought it was just a cough-induced barf based on his temperment (besides being upset about puking, he was not acting sick) and the lack of a fever. Not thirty minutes after dropping him off at school, my husband got a call that he had thrown up at school. While eating his breakfast. All over the table. Hello, mother of the year right here! I still feel that it was cough induced because now he is running around the living room at my mother-in-law’s. It is times like this I am so happy to have family in town. Plus, my husband is usually traveling, but is home this week. Another good thing is that if he had to puke, at least he did it on a Friday and has the weekend to get better.

To Liz: You will feel like you’re failing even when you’re doing your best. Then there will be that one mom who manages to do it all, and you will want to know her secret. And her secret is that she’s faking it. You just do the best you can do, and try to not sweat the small stuff.

I have a whopping TWO days of PTO to last me until December. In terms of scheduling, it is simply easier for me to stay home with a sicky than it is my husband. I work in an office; he works retail. But then by staying home with sicky, I end up sick too. I really feel like I short change everyone at all times. I don’t like it but I am growing used to it…as used to it as one can be. So um, I can commiserate with you but I am thinking unless you have someone at home full time with child(ren), it never gets easier.

It’s hard. No one ever told me just how difficult it would be, to juggle a career and a baby. The first six years, I had absolutely no sick/personal leave left over at the end of the calendar year. She is ten now, and we are still juggling. Homework, sports, projects…

My ‘parenting mantra’:

It will not be simple,
It will not take long;
It will take all your breath.

Hang in there.

I think that this, like almost everything else, is hard in different ways for stay at home mothers and work outside of the home mothers, and all the muthas in between. I am at home and now that I have three, sometimes I have to ask my husband to either stay at home or come home early when they are sick, because I literally can’t be with all three of them at once and sometimes I need to be. I feel like the people at HIS workplace must be like “what the hell, doesn’t his wife stay at home?”

Whew. Guys, you just stopped the panic attack I was generating for myself and my theoretical problems. (I’ll come back and re-read when I start doing it again!)

Thank you. Seriously, thank you.

Liz – When we decided to have children my husband and I agreed that I would give up my much-loved, enjoyable career to stay home. It was the right decision for us. One would think that because I’m home, I have all the time, energy and resources to never fail, right? Wrong. I fail myself everyday. I even fail with keeping things in perspective. My children don’t notice the dirty dishes in the sink, or the perpetually un-vaccuumed floor or that I brought store baked cookies to school for their birthdays. They notice when I take time to be interested in them. As a parent you will have a lot of failures, but it will only be you failing your self-imposed expectations. When it comes to the things that really matter, I promise you will succeed in a big way.

I’m having that kind of week, kid was sick on Sunday night, still sick on Monday morning and into Tuesday so he was home (I stayed home one day, husband stayed home the next day) but on Wednesday he was fine and went to school. Mid-way through Thursday he started coughing and nothing helped soothe him. Thursday evening the cough induced barfing commenced, he got very little sleep, I got hardly any sleep as well but I made the executive decision this morning to send him to school anyways. I feel horrible about it because he probably should have stayed home, but because of the whole work thing and being worried about missing too much, off he went. I’ve had my phone within reach all day long just waiting for the dreaded call.

It’s a hard situation to balance. No doubt about it.

Here’s my trick for dealing with workplace grumpiness when the kids’ sicknesses have kept me out of the office for days at a stretch: yell at the boss, and then insult his personal life choices regarding kids and caregivers.

Yeah. EXCELLENT strategy. I can’t recommend it enough. (In my defense, it followed his remark that “This [my 2-y-o daughter’s illnesses] has been happening a lot…” which: no.)

Linda and Liz, re: lopsided nature of child care. I don’t have children, but I have a husband and 3 pets. I often feel as if when one of them is sick or needs to go to the vet or something that I am the first “we” look at to stay home — same goes for meeting a vendor or just about anything else that requires someone to be home. Not that I mind it — I love staying home — but I run into the same thing you do, Sundry — worrying about What Will Work Think. I don’t know — maybe just an ancient throwback from the Betty Draper days?

And to both of you — ALL of you who work, have kids, careers, husbands, and outside activities (staying in SHAPE, chrissakes) — I STAND UP AND CHEER FOR YOU! I am always in awe of how you manage to do it all — I have trouble keeping up with what I have, and I don’t have kids. So please be nice to yourselves and recognize that you already *do* DO a lot.

What link? I don’t have twitter so I missed it — can you email it to me or provide it in a comment? THANKS!

Amen, Linda.

Is it wrong that I was so happy to read this? As a single parent, shit like this (sick kids) get’s so overwhelming, that it’s nice to hear that it’s still a clusterfuck when both parents are involved. Making the choice on whether or not to send your child to school when they maybe-are-maybe-aren’t-sick is heart wrenching. And then, if I take my sick time to spend with her, when I get sick, there is none left so I’m at work wanting to die. The other day she got a bloody nose of epic proportions at school. They called, I was at the bank for work, had to go home and get her a change of clothes, by the time I got to school, it’d been 40 minutes since the call. She was embarrassed and upset and just crying about it all. She begged me to let her go home, but I couldn’t miss any more work, so I had to leave her there. I cried all the way back to work, even though I knew I wasn’t leave a sick kid behind. I feel like my child should come first, all the time, but the reality is that she can’t, and that reality SUCKS DONKEY BALLS.

I think it is definitely a balancing act. It is a game. It is hard and tiresome one moment and full of glee and joy the next. Even at my worst moments, I never feel like a failure because a while back I demanded of myself to stop being that way. Because I want my kids to know I screw up/make mistakes/yell like a wild banshee but I do not fail. Failure would mean I quit trying and I refuse to quit trying, for them, you know?!

Oh I so understand the guilt! The mother’s curse, that’s what it is.

My husband and I have come up with a solution that works well for us–we both work part-time (in addition to going to school full time, the both of us) but we’ve arranged our work/school schedules so that one of us is home at all times.

It’s working out well so far and when spring semester starts in January, we’ll continue with the same (or similar) schedule.

Amen. A-FREAKING-MEN. As I was driving home last night.. at 7:30.. knowing that I was BARELY making bedtime and it was already pitch black outside and what a horrible mother I must be!, I had this same argument with myself. Where is the balance that DOESN’T come with massive, crippling amounts of guilt? WHERE IS THAT BALANCE?!

This entry reminded me of my Mom profusely apologizing to me for not being able to do anything for my 83 year old Grandmother that had TERMINAL Cancer. My mom had to back out of her chair position at a charity which left them scrambling, but what else could she do? She still feels terrible for that and it’s been 3 years. It makes me think that whenever there is someone we love under our care that can’t help themselves we are bound to feel guilty no matter the situation. We all have responsibilities all over the map, when someone requires all of our attention then I suppose someone will just have to be let down. It’s sort of nice to know we all go through this on some level at any given time, doesn’t seem as fucked up.

Oh yes, I know the crushing guilt all too well and know there is plenty more of it to come in the future. I hate that when my daughter is sick in the night I am stressed partially because I worry about how I’m going to function at work the next day without any sleep. I wish I could just worry about my child, and not have to think about the boss and coworkers and everyone else. I hate coming back to work after taking a day off to attend to my sick child and getting those looks that say, “yep, definitely on the mommy-track, what a shame…”. I never really felt gender discrimnation at my work until I had a baby. It didn’t matter that I was a woman in the work place, but a *mother*, well, that’s a different story…

Being a working parent is hard. I’m lucky in the fact that my MIL watches my boys, so I don’t have to take sick days. I also work 10 minutes from her house and live 10 minutes from their doctor. But it’s still not easy. I still want to be with them when they’re sick. My work is pretty understanding about taking time for family, but it’s hard because I either work with men, most of whom have stay-at-home wives, or older women with grown children or no children. I just feel guilty when I’m not with them. Or when it’s my husband’s turn to stay home with them, if my MIL needs a day off. Or a vacation.

Once again, you’ve crept inside my head and written a post JUST FOR ME. A couple times lately Gwen has been semi-sick, and it’s fallen to my husband to take her to the doctor. I HATE that it’s not me, and that is SO illogical and anti-feminist that I don’t even know how to begin deconstructing it, but there it is. Also, I SO know what you mean when you talk about trying to balance all your different roles and as a result, feeling like you’re only doing a half-assed job at all of them. That? Is the story of my life. Though I’m working hard to change it.

The balance we all strive for must be an illusion because even the moms that I talk to you that seem to have it all together smile and give me that look like ‘yeah right!’
I have conversations with my mom about it all the time and she still talks about the things she feels like she failed me and my brother on. I give her so much credit and encouragement that she did and gave us her best – so why can’t I believe it when it comes to me and my life??

Christ on a cracker, it’s nice to see others in the same boat. My daughter had the flu last week and I was the asshole that sent her to school with motrin ‘hoping’ it wasn’t anything worse than teething, but knowing deep down it totally was worse than teething. One commenter hit the nail on the freaking head when she said that her daughter was sick in the middle of the night and she was worried about how she was going to function the next day, that is me TO A TEE. Sometimes I feel like the most selfish woman on the EARTH PEOPLE! Nothing I do is enough, for my friends, family, workers, daughter or husband.

Amen. Things related to childcare and all of the juggling that comes with it create some of my biggest frustrations as a working parent. It usually cause me to launch into a tirade about all the studies done on pay inequity and glass ceilings and the real cause being because women generally bear the brunt of staying home with sick kids. Any working mom could tell you that.

U have described my life and my situation. One partial solution I have for myself is stop reading blogs and comments and try to get work done in the actual hrs that i’m at work! more productive worker = less guilty on hrs lost.

I don’t have this particular issue, but I have others – we all do. And the thing that I want you to know, that I have absolutely known since I’ve known you, is that you are not failing. You are wonderful. You are doing a great job, and you’re a really incredible mom.

I know you know this. But sometimes it’s nice to hear anyway.

Linda, I read this and thought to myself, oh my god, did I just write this or am I reading someone else’s post right now? Seriously, this is what I go through on a daily basis. And true to what Liz said in her comment, it is me and not my husband who stays home on most of the sick days or the I-just-want-to-stay-at-home-with-my-kid-today-for-no-particular-reason-days. And honestly, I like it that way. I have an extremely flexible job and if I didn’t, I’m not quite sure what I would do. Like you, I love the chance to mingle with adults, talk about things other than poop and the Little Einsteins but at the same time, it’s like, god, I’m just not good enough. And there’s really no point to my comment other than to say, I feel you, I soooo feel where you’re coming from.

So I’m not the only horribly guilty mom? Great news! I work full time, go to school full time, my husband has a job that requires he travel about 50% of the year, and we have three children, 11, 5 & 14-months. Plenty of opportunities for me to fail here, folks! But I graduate in February and have a job that I LOVE, and at the end of the day, my kids know they are my priority and are beyond loved.

Last year, my middle daughter had a sore on the corner of her mouth. I just thought it was chapped, so just slathered it in Carmex and we went about our days, all the while, my over-protective, Nervous-Nelly husband keeps saying we should take her to the doctor to have it checked out. The doctor? For a chapped mouth? It went away after about a week, but then resurfaced about a week later. That’s when I knew it must be something more serious than chapped. Turns out, it was staph. My child had STAPH on her mouth and I slathered Carmex on it for a week! 2 weeks ago, thought my oldest had a sinus infection, made her go to school until the third day when she had a fever and throbbing headache. Turned out she had swine flu.

So, I feel like a terrible mom sometimes, but I have to push myself to think of the good things that I do for my kids to show them I love them, to boost their confidence, and to help them make good memories. Like today – I took a couple of hours for lunch and made two different trips to Chick-Fil-A to go have lunch with them at two different schools at two different times! But I feel good that I took that time to let them know that they are my priority and that I really am trying to show them that.

It’s the small things that matter so much in the end. Don’t beat yourself up so much for not being supermom in your own head. Your kiddos think you’re the best mom ever. Don’t you see that when you walk in the door after a long day and they couldn’t wipe the grins off their faces if they tried? (my baby boy does this oh-so-cute little run-in-a-circle dance type move when he’s so excited to see me!).

This is the single issue that freaks me out when I think about possibly going back to work. I’ve stayed at home with my kids for 9 years, and now they’re both in elementary school.

Time to get a job, right? But how do I hold one down and deal with the sick days or in-service days? It would be one thing if my husband were AT ALL willing to take a day off work to deal with illnesses. As it was, if I was sick with a stomach virus, he expected me to call a friend (you know, someone else who has kids) to help me. I’m sure they’d appreciate the virus being spread to their family too!!

I don’t know how you do it, but it sounds like you’re doing your best and putting your kids’ health first, so kudos to you for making it work, even when it feels like you’re not.

My favorite is when my KIDS like to point out my failings. They don’t necessarily mean to be MEAN, but they are just so direct and honest.

Three cheers for the understanding compassionate, workplace. There aren’t enough of them.

Three cheers for you for juggling 3 billion balls and retaining your sense of humour.

If it helps, I was sick to my stomach constantly as a kid. It sucked, but as an adult I’ve never looked back and thought ill of my single-parent mom for working and bettering her education at night. All of us knew she was doing her best. Trust me, though your kids will give you the sad/sick stomach face, they’re not thinking “why weren’t you here?” They’re just expressing what they feel.

You are such an awesome Mom. Your guilt may be biologically hardwired (women continue to be the primary nurturers in families) but know you are awesome, ok? And your kids know it too. And when they’re grown and remember their childhoods, they won’t remember sick days, they’ll remember that night mom practiced her Thriller moves.

Scott Pendleton: What a catch!

That’s the reason I decided to finally stay home with my kids. It was more stressful trying to navigate through sick periods when I had a job that required me to travel and a spouse who worked in a retail pharmacy – odd hours = no structure. I value peace and routine and prefer harmony, so it was actually a relief when I made that decision.

It’s hard to have it all, despite the line of shit we’ve been fed since the 80’s.

Good luck!

I’ve never commented before, but I had to today to say I’m so happy to know others have the same dilemnas I do! My son threw up in the middle of the night last night, and I convinced myself it must have been the cough-gag-barf thing because I NEEDED to send him to preschool. I usually stay home because my hubby doesn’t get paid for sick days, but my sick days are running low. Thankfully it turned out ok.

One other thing I keep in mind when I’m beating myself up about being a working mom – when I come home at the end of the day, there is nothing better than opening the door and hearing little feet running towards you, a little voice yelling “Mommy!”, and the open arms and smile waiting for me. I wouldn’t get that wonderful reunion everyday if I stayed home =) It makes it all worthwhile.

I feel ya love.. I feel ya. And here I am thinking Im with my kid TOO much and it’s going to leave him with a Imsuchamommysboy slur, and I dont do enough, no great job, no great ANYTHING, just getting my masters in mommying and all, but oh yeah, THATS not bringing home the bacon! I mean, I bring home some minced up ham, but how I long to have a routine that lets me huff, or hell just SNIFF normal adult breath. We are are own biggest critic, and if it wasn’t for the internet Im convinced we would all combust in some mushroom cloud of CANT DO IT NO MO.

Your doing great Linda. I admire you for your routine, and the control you have, and relect…with all the stresses that paw at our leg as moms…your an example.

Man, I feel for you. I don’t have kids, but I feel guilty just leaving work when I am sick myself! It feels like I need to be practically on my deathbed to stay home, so I really feel for all working parents.

In fact, many of my friends just this week commented on this very problem. Hopefully, the rest of us will look on with kindness after reading this!

I’m not in the same exact boat but I have felt so many of the same things as a mom.
“Like no matter what I do, it’s not good enough.” I find myself thinking this way too often. Parenting is so hard….good but really fucking hard. You are doing a great job. We’ll all keep telling you when you forget.

Story of my life. EXACT story of my life today. I agree that once the sickness hits, it seems like the entire house of cards comes down. I hate how much I worry about what’s happening at work when I should be worrying more about my kid – and then when I’m worrying about my kid I feel guilty about missing work. Sucks sucks sucks.

I stay at home for precisely this reason, but that has a whole other set of problems. There is no easy answer.

I’m sorry this all made you feel crappy about the job you’re doing as a mom. I hope something happens really soon that helps you feel better.

Let’s just repeat what Jennifer said:
“Your kiddos think you’re the best mom ever. Don’t you see that when you walk in the door after a long day and they couldn’t wipe the grins off their faces if they tried? ”

That is SO true, Jennifer, and SO easy to forget when we start projecting our guilt onto them. They’re just happy to see us and think we are the best mommy in the whole world. That’s good enough for me. Thanks, Linda, and Jennifer (and everyone else)!

I got the Daycare Call of Doom on Monday. At least it was after school so it was just a matter of leaving early. But then I had to go back to school later that night to put out stuff for a sub (I’m a teacher). I stayed home Tuesday, husband stayed home Wednesday. This morning, a different sick child. We played they “will motrin buy us until my afternoon free period” but finally I just stayed home. A sub never showed up for me, so my coworkers had to cover my classes. One of my male friends has a stay home wife, I keep telling him to buy her something nice. They are never rock, paper, scissoring over a barfing 2 year old at 3 am. TGIF

So sorry you are feeling this way. It is a very lonely feeling because you know it’s irrational, yet you feel the way you do anyway. Just know that the worst of this should be over sometime in November.

I agree a trillion times with the women who referenced feeling selfish about dreading being overtired & inable to function the morning after dealing with a sick kid. I tend to reach the point of feeling quite upset that their illness is not only ruining my night’s sleep, but also going to wreak havoc on the rest of the day(s). Then the GUILT of this selfishness sets in… it’s a vicious circle. This has got to be my biggest struggle as a parent. Thank-you for opening this discussion!