Reasons not to run this morning:

1. Dylan came down with a fever yesterday and didn’t sleep well, which means I didn’t sleep well, and by the way if you’re playing along at home this marks the fourth consecutive week of childhood illness in my house and I don’t mean to exaggerate or anything but I’m pretty sure WE ARE ALL GOING TO FUCKING DIE.

2. Which is to say, I would really rather be sitting around cramming cookies in my Nutter-Butter-hole right now, because I no longer drink and have no access to any good drugs and how else am I going to self-medicate?

3. I don’t even like running. My nose runs and my arms feel all stupid and dangly and I gasp and heave the whole time like I’m on the verge of cardiac arrest and my spit gets all gluey and disgusting.

4. My butt looks jiggly in these new running pants. I don’t mean bouncy. I mean jiggly. There may in fact be an audible flapping sound involved.

5. I hate runners. They’re all a bunch of self-righteous douchebags who are probably a total drag to be around, yapping all the time about intervals and tempo paces and shit while they gnaw incessantly on celery stalks and those stupid overpriced energy squares which hello, are just Gummi Bears in square form. Ooh, look at me eating a $3 square Gummi Bear, I’m an athlete. Plus, sometimes they run so much they shit their own pants. You know what I would rather do than shit my own pants? Fucking ANYTHING AT ALL, that’s what. Runners are gross.

6. There is a perfectly good ass-shaped dent in my couch, and I for one think sitting on it is probably the environmentally correct thing to do. My carbon footprint is nonexistent on this couch. I am living green, unlike you heartless planet-killers lacing up your running shoes which were probably manufactured out of emissions-producing non-sustainable polar bear fetus.

7. It’s cold outside.

8. And dark. Also, there is weather.

9. I haven’t even had any coffee yet. What kind of tragic, punishing, fucked-up existence is this, exercising before coffee? Am I in HELL?

10. I don’t want to, okay? Jesus, isn’t that good enough?

Reasons to do it anyway:

It makes me feel like I’m capable of doing anything I set my mind to.

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Kristin C.
12 years ago

Now THAT is a reason.
Could you now please beat that mantra into my lobotomized monkey brain as i stuff yet another “snack sized” Take 5 inIo my mouth and then bury the empty wrapper AND empty bag in the garbage??!?!?!

Yes. I need this mantra. For running as well as my overwhelming Take 5 candybar/ sugar intake.

Paula
Paula
12 years ago

Sometimes they shit their own pants? NO.WAY. This is NEWS TO ME. Must Google.

Amy M.
Amy M.
12 years ago

I completely agree. With all of it. :) And I went running Saturday morning & tripped. I saw no one on my 3-mile route until I tripped. Then I saw, like 5 people! And every time I bend my knee it starts bleeding again. TMI? Sorry.

jessica
jessica
12 years ago

Linda, I just wanted to take a minute to thank you for inspiring me to take up running again! Over the summer when you first started thinking of a triathalon, and you were nervous about the swimming aspect but DID IT ANYWAY, you totally inspired me to stop making excuses and just fucking run, already. It sucked giant sweaty hairy balls at first. I huffed and puffed and maybe even puked a little TRYING to run/walk 2miles, but it got easier! and now, just 3 months later, i feel FUCKING GREAT! In the past three months I’ve toned up (lost a pant size, eventhough that wasn’t a goal – it sure as shit feels nice!), I can RUN three full miles, and I’m just so damn proud of myself fo DOING something and not allowing my brain to talk me out of it. I’ve even committed to a few 5ks, and have my sights on a 1/2 marathon in the spring (OMG!)

Now, every morning I wake up at 5:55am, bitch and moan about how stupid running is, but i squeeze my jiggle into my running pants, strap on my shoes and go for at least two miles, but latley it’s been at least 3. afterwards I feel AMAZING and proud that I did somethimg. good. for MYSELF!

thanks for being an inspriation, and thanks for sharing your expieriences and thoughts through-out…helps me know i’m not alone, and continues to inspire!

Firegirl
12 years ago

I live north of you and I definitely recommend the couch. It’s too yukky to be outside, fo sho. I also share your dislike of runners and let’s add bicyclists to the list as well. They’re all bastards. (:-D

Korinna
12 years ago

I like how you produced a List of Cranky and ended it on a motivating note.

That…is hard to do.

Accidental Olympian
12 years ago

FUCK YEAH!

You make me want to go out and run and take over the world. But then I just reread the reasons it’s better to stay home and I’m ok with that too.

Christina
12 years ago

OMG this had me peeing (Or is that pooping) in pants. Especially the part about the $3 gummi bear. And I wrote a whole post about the whole pooping while running thing because I am OH so cool like that…

http://rollingofftheedge.blogspot.com/2009/08/upon-researching.html

Anyway, YOU CAN DO IT!

shriek house
12 years ago

KICK. ASS.

Liz
Liz
12 years ago

We runners are total assholes.

Now, go buy yourself some caffeinated GU. All the caffeine benefits of coffee, none of the “having to make it” bullshit at 6am.

Mandy S.
12 years ago

“Whether you think you can, or think you can’t, you’re right” ~Henry Ford.

I was really getting behind every reason you had to begin with…and now I feel guilty after reading the last bit. Le sigh. Keep on motivatin’ me. I’m 12 weeks postpartum and have run THRICE since baby-having.

twojams
twojams
12 years ago

Hahahahahaha, LMFAO at #5. I do run some, and you’ve really been inspiring me lately; you’re way better than me at getting up and going in the mornings! That is the hardest. Rock on.

Kristen
Kristen
12 years ago

HA! After a 10k this weekend, I made my husband stop at 2 separate gas stations on the way home. I wasn’t going to make it. We runners are disgusting! But damn, doesn’t it feel great when you are done?!

kakaty
12 years ago

#5 had me shooting my beverage out of my nose: a sure sign of a Freaking Great Blog Post!

Kudos to you for getting it done. I will stay over here with my videos and walking routine. I HATE RUNNING. full stop. I have tried..I was a flipping athlete in high school and hated it then. I took a god damn running class in college (!!) and still hate it. I will never like it no matter what all the “you have to run past that point of pain” self-righteous douchebags say. I’ve run past it and you know what – it still sucks donkey balls!

HOWEVER, I think it’s awesome that you are doing it despite all the shit and that you set a huge goal for yourself and are working towards it. It’s a big motivation for all of us, even if we hate running with a passion.

Kelsey
Kelsey
12 years ago

Ouch. Lighten up on the runners. We’re not that bad.

jen
jen
12 years ago

I love this post. It’s very similar to what I go through every night at 8 p.m. (I no longer trust myself to get up early to run). I wish I were doing NOLA with you but I’m already traveling for San Diego Marathon…the whole thing. I recently logged all my runs into this website and in total, since I’ve started running again, I’ve only run 38 miles. And yet by June I will be running 26.2 all at once. I’m trying not to freak myself out about it.

And the spit comment? Cracked me up. So accurate. I hate running spit.

Also, you rock.

Lisa
Lisa
12 years ago

As someone who is planning on running the NOLA 1/2, the last reason to do it, is one of the ONLY thing that gets me out of bed* to run up and down the hills, no the friggin’ mountains, in my neighborhood. The other things that help are YOU GUYS. Knowing there are others out there heaving, sweating, blowing snot, chugging, walking when you can and should run, but are “in the at least my legs are moving” mode, keeps me moving.

*OK, so technically, I haven’t started, but I just came up with my training schedule last night, so it’s up at 5 and running tomorrow morning.

Lisa
Lisa
12 years ago

Ohmygod. Now I want a damned Take 5.

Lauren
12 years ago

Your description of runners made me laugh. Pretty much totally true.

Also, have you read DoctorMama? You might want to check out her site, she’s got great advice.

Becky Mochaface
12 years ago

I go through the list of reasons not to run every morning. The thing that keeps me motivated is actually my jiggly butt. No one sees it at 5:30 in the morning and maybe it’ll get less jiggly.

Lisa
Lisa
12 years ago

Oh, and I used to run with this chick who did 6 marathons every year. She did one in East Tennessee in the mountains and she had diarrhea BEFORE the marathon, but ran it anyway(WTF?). She said she had to run into the woods three times to relieve herself and used leaves (leaves!!) to clean herself. And of course, she finished, but was pissed about her time due to the shitting in the woods.

Pinkie Bling
Pinkie Bling
12 years ago

Keep on keepin’ on, girl! I don’t have to actually know you to be proud of you, right? Because I am.

Kate
12 years ago

One small piece of advice: DO KEGELS. Shit won’t be the only thing that leaves your body while running.

briana
12 years ago

Only run when chased. Preferably by zombies or bears. Do yoga instead. It’s the only exercise where you get to take a nap at the end!

Courtney
12 years ago

Dude, I have a pants-shitting story for you:

Last spring I was taking a noon weights class. I’d often stay to do 2-3 miles on the treadmill afterwards, despite the fact that running usually makes me need to take an EMERGENCY poop.

So I’d do my time on the treadmill, then go into the ladies locker room, where one of the old ladies in the weights class would be getting ready. In the 25 minutes I’d been on the treadmill, she’d showered, dried, lotioned, deodorant-ed, and blow dried her hair. And curled it. And always, ALWAYS I’d walk in with my ass cheeks squeezed together as she began picking out the curls in her hair. You know, the old lady hairdo with the helment hair. Yep. It takes time and a lot of aqua-net.

My only recourse? Walk past her, hit the wall-mounted dryer and use the farthest (of a whole 2) stalls away to do the deed. It wasn’t in my control man.

ginger
ginger
12 years ago

Better to shit your own pants than someone else’s.

Alison
12 years ago

I’m a much better runner in my head than I am in practice – I think that’s my problem. I’m always so crushed/surprised at the pain, the lungs exploding, the asthmatic breathing after a scant 1/2 mile trot when I think I should be banging out 2 miles like a Nike ad.

Val
Val
12 years ago

Totally my morning. Except substitute getting my ass out of bed to go to my swim aerobics class and water ab class. And you know what? I got up and went anyway. And you know what? You’re right, I totally feel good about it.

Keep on keeping on!

Lauren
Lauren
12 years ago

Two words: snot rockets.

amy
amy
12 years ago

Funny! You know the real problem with running? IT HURTS MY BOOBS! Yeah big boobs + running = a major pain in my chest. I’ll stick to swimming until I can afford to buy some cute perky little boobs!

Aggie
12 years ago

“lacing up your running shoes which were probably manufactured out of emissions-producing non-sustainable polar bear fetus”

::dies::

Kirsten
Kirsten
12 years ago

Nice post. I’m sure you’ve heard that 90% of running is in your head; the rest is mental. Thanks for the motivation. I go through this everytime I head out to run alone. I never go through it when I’m on my way to meet my running buds. Something to consider!

Kelsey
12 years ago

I love reading these posts – I feel like they are stacking up in my brain and someday I will think of them when I say yes to running again.

Leslie
12 years ago

Dammit, now I feel guilty for not running today. And eating that brownie.

Vanessa
Vanessa
12 years ago

#9 made me blow coffee through my nose. Hilarious!

She Likes Purple
12 years ago

Oh, you’re so good. Also, there is weather is the excuse I’m giving for everything from here on out.

Kim
Kim
12 years ago

Nutter Butters, coffee, gummy bears, and Take Five bars all in the same post? Now I need a snack, dammit. Still not inspired to take up running though.

Good luck to you!

B
B
12 years ago

Hell yeah!

Mommy Daisy
12 years ago

LOL! Here’s some more info about #5, or rather what it’s called. Sorry, I found it terribly amusing. http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Runner's%20Trots

Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com

I swear you just opened up my brain and wrote down what I think when the alarm clock goes off.

Amanda
12 years ago

It is almost a taste of the forbidden in the exhilarating can-do-ness it gives.

Bachelor Girl
12 years ago

Damn right, Linda.

Oh, and by the way? You’re a badass.

jodie
jodie
12 years ago

Wow. Really, wow. If you can get up in the dark and cold to RUN (which, I’m pretty sure is the worst form of torture ever invented) then I can certainly take my lazy ass downstairs to do my unopened Denise Austin DVD. Hey, gotta start somewhere, right??

willikat
12 years ago

God, I hope I get to a point where I find that boldfaced sentence satisfying. Right now, I’m just beginning my real fitness journey and I do NOT feel that way at all.

Also, my husband bikes like a maniac (I knwo it’s not quite the same), but they SUGGEST to drink coffee before riding. Something about dilating blood vessels and keeping your energy up. True story.

Michelle
12 years ago

Ha! My hubby came home with a bag o’ Gummi Squares tonight. I can’t stop giggling. Told him I hope he doesn’t crap his own pants while running his first half marathon this weekend. Because I am ALL KINDS of supportive. :)

Julia
Julia
12 years ago

I hate running. I hate it so much I’m starting to like it.

Runner Girl
Runner Girl
12 years ago

What I LOVE about your blog – and the reason, at heart, it’s my favorito burrito – is that you do what you do without judging anyone. For the love of Christ almighty, if I had a nut for every blog I read that preached I’d be a happy squirrel.

I also love that you do awesome stuff and always make me laugh in a new and creative way.

Cookie
12 years ago

I hate running. Especially running outside. So I sucked it up and bought a treadmill. Now I can run inside whenever I want/have the time/need to. I’m finally training for my first 5K, on Thanksgiving, and having a treadmill has really helped. My husband works super early, so I can’t go outside to run in the mornings. Your list made me laugh. I love reading your posts. Sorry that Dylan is sick. Kids are no fun when they’re sick.

NancyJ
NancyJ
12 years ago

I was planning to keep up my 3x a week run even when the weather started turning colder – even in snow I said! But of course, I haven’t. Because everytime I’m out there, I start out and I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I swear to myself, just go a 1/2 mile, just go a mile, ok walk this part, ok run to here and you can stop. But once I get going, I feel so so good and I feel like I’m accomplished something. Not a feeling a get when I finish a workout tape.
You given me inspiration to get out the warmer clothes, load up the mp3 player and get my ass back outside.

Penny
12 years ago

Well I’m a runner and I’ve never heard of square gummi bears and I don’t have any celery in my fridge.

But I know of the elitism, and it can certainly get annoying.

I love running though, even now when my 5 month post partum ass STILL jiggles. It nearly has a resonance all its own.