Man, that last post was kind of a drag, huh? You know what, I’ve been in a foul mood lately. I’m pissed off that JB probably can’t come to New Orleans with me. I’m sick of a no-longer-interesting work project that should have been finished months ago but continues to drag on and on and on with no end in sight. I’m irritated with my house for being a Sisyphean pit of clutter and laundry, and I’m practically apoplectic that we have fruit flies again after a weekend of guests who cannot finish a banana, preferring instead to leave the peel and uneaten half rotting in the fruit bowl. My hair sucks and I can’t afford my stupid stylist and her ass prices. I’m already tired of hearing rude jokes about the entire state of Maine.

My coping skills have all but disappeared, and the slightest problem makes me want to throw myself on the floor and scream. (And eat dog hair, maybe.) I’m tired, headachy, and puffy. I would cut a bitch for a bag of chocolate-covered potato chips.

It’s probably a brain tumor, right? There’s really no other logical explanation.

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Katherine
Katherine
12 years ago

This will not be comforting to you, but I just have to say it: wait until you hit your 40s. That damn brain tumor sets in for months at a time. And just when you think you have it’s new look and feel figured out, it goes and changes on you and looks entirely different for a week, or two, or months at a time. And you loose all ability to remember anything. And you start to grow hair in places you never knew you had. And, and, and. The only good thing about it, which others will debate, is that you don’t give a gotdamned flyin’ fuck what other people think about it.

Bonus? Being single and trying to date during this fabulous time. One day it’s “ugh, men? whatever” and the next day you could devour any of them as long as they have the right appendage.

It’s like going through puberty all over again.

TJ
TJ
12 years ago

You know how sometimes people say “Don’t be THAT GUY?”

I am pretty sure people who take half of what is obviously a single-serving food and leave the rest are one of the many, many possible definitions of THAT GUY.

g~
g~
12 years ago

Dana,
I would LOVE for you to have said, “Well why the HELL aren’t you at HER house then?”
It’s sad that I live my life making up my own responses to other people’s dramas.
Sundry,
I am possibly with the other commenters who mentioned Mirena because (if you still have it) it puts that kee-raaa-zy time on an unpredictable time line and you can’t tell if you’re going batshit crazy or if you’re just going through the normal hormonal cycle.

EPMaxwel
EPMaxwel
12 years ago

Thank YOU! This post and ALL of the comments are just 7 kinds of awesome. thank you all for validating my insanity from last night.
Oh, and can we also blame it on the full moon? I think when our ‘time’ strikes during a full moon it’s even worse!
And for all of you with horrid MILs, I am sorry. Sending you virtual forks for the necessary eye stabbings!

Serror
Serror
12 years ago

Oh for reals Linda. I hate freaking brain tumors. (As a side note, my friend had a brain tumor that made her lactate when she had never had children!! No lie! )

My in laws are actually great, but that doesn’t mean that they don’t drive me batshit insane at times.

I second the fruit fly trap with saran wrap, vinagar and soap. It is wonderful! It has saved my sanity the past several weeks. And my kitchen has no fruit flies.

Dana- I would be serving the MIL delivery pizza when she arrives for “her anniversary” and maybe let my husband do it, while I went out with a friend for a glass of wine.

Shin Ae
12 years ago

You made me laugh.

I don’t even want to get started on the fruit flies.

And hey, about the last post, don’t guilt yourself too much about not enjoying every minute of this time. Some minutes suck. Some years suck. But, we are mommies; we must think long-term. There will be plenty of good memories; if they weren’t made today, they’ll be made tomorrow (or next year).

Katherine
Katherine
12 years ago

You see? In my peri-menopausal rant I totally forgot to offer the one helpful piece of advice I have: if your health insurance covers accupunture, it works WONDERS for pms and regulating hormones (not to mention just giving you at least 45 minutes of calm relaxation).

Off to forget something else now…

jen
jen
12 years ago

PS: Yes, I totally stopped at the grocery store for a can of frosting and a box of crackers on my way home. I’m blaming my next dentist appointment on YOU.
What’s even more pathetic: being on THE PILL, hell, the THREE MONTH CYCLE PILL, with the DIFFERENT COLORED PILLS that indicate PLACEBOS….
….and STILL not getting the hint.

Dana
Dana
12 years ago

Linda, I feel like I bogarted your comments, but I have to say, they’ve made me feel so good and validated my ill feelings towards my mother in law. Thank you all for your kind words towards me and shitty words towards my mother in law, because she deserves them so much!

Dana
Dana
12 years ago

Oh and I am currently eating those turtles things that someone suggested making up there. They are so fucking delish. Although the temptation to eat them immediately after taking them out of the oven is strong, please resist! They get BETTER as they cool! Go figure. Oh, and I used Rollos. Caused that’s the only “chocolate covered caramel” I know about.

Amy
Amy
12 years ago

Man, you make me laugh. Sorry it has to be so freakin’ annoying right now. But you do it all with hilarious grace. (Just don’t eat the dog hair!!)

Victoria
12 years ago

Iiiiits not a tumor.

(please tell me you read that in the right accent)

Lori
Lori
12 years ago

I am also going two give big, bat-shit anxiety crazed thumbs down to the Mirena. I had it for 14 months and I became increasingly crazier each month (and not just during PMS). Two weeks after I had it removed I started to feel like myself again. It was such a relief to know that I’m not that much of a crazy bitch. I know a lot of women love it. It just didn’t work for me. At all.

Anyway, this was hilarious. Your mother-in-law’s comment would have infuriated me regardless of what time of the month it was.

Lori
Lori
12 years ago

Ack, sorry for typos. Angry toddler hanging on leg while I type. “I am also going to give two big…” And I’m not saying the Mirena is causing you problems, by the way. Just sharing my experience.

Nancy
Nancy
12 years ago

Katherine hit the peri-menopausal nail right on the head. I’m STILL laughing out loud!

Hannah Beth
12 years ago

Yes. It’s even worse when your brain tumor has you convinced all these symptoms are actually being caused by a baby-shaped tumor. But they never ever are. The jerk.

Debbie
Debbie
12 years ago

Wow, great post followed by awesome comments. I NEVER post, (seriously, this is only my second post in almost two years of reading)but I had to come out of lurkdom for this one.
Linda: I have that same brain tumor. I hate that bitch. Luckily for all involved, (except my ginormous ass)my house still has a shit-ton of halloween candy, snickers and milky ways and butterfingers, oh my, and shoving those into my piehole is distracting me from murder and mayhem. Hugs to you, my dear…I wish I had something useful to say.
Heather: No effing way would mentioning the ex fly in my house. Not unless it was mentioned in a “Guess who just died in debtor’s prison” kind of way. You are to be commended for not planting a boot in a sensitive spot.
Dana: OMFG, blog, now! While I felt your pain in that reply, and wanted to sympathize, I was too busy laughing. That was really well written.

Brenda
12 years ago

It’s a brain tumor. The same one I have. And I found out…. that I’m in the group who now is more likely to die from the H1N1 because I’m over 50…..but, I’m still refusing to get the shot.

K.P.
K.P.
12 years ago

I give you the Fruit Fly Apocalypse:

Take a banana, peel it, and place it on a baking sheet in a cold oven. Open the oven door just a crack overnight. The fruit flies will swarm to that sucker.

In the morning, slam oven door shut, bake fruit flies for 20 minutes at 400 degrees, laughing maniacally all the while.

Lesley
Lesley
12 years ago

This week has been a total downer for me. I’m tired and cranky and not coping.

I’m blaming the time change, which seems silly because it’s only an hour. But ew, dark at 5 now? And the day just draaaaags.

Lisa Merkel
Lisa Merkel
12 years ago

There are so many reasons that I love you, Sundry – and this is just one more to add to the list. I’m totally with you!!! And I still never figure it out until the tell tale sign. Oh!!! So THAT’S why I hate everyone and everything!!?!?!?!? :)

MotherGooseAmy
MotherGooseAmy
12 years ago

Eat the chocolate potato chips and cross that one off your list. It’s the easiest to accomplish.

joaaanna
joaaanna
12 years ago

SWEET JESUS! GET TO THE DOCTOR! STAT! Because all of those things have obviously given you a brain tumor.

But your desire for chocolate covered potato chips shows that you still have your sanity. Do you have any queso to dip those in? Because if so? I AM SO THERE!

Erin
12 years ago

A Brain Tumor!! I KNEW it was something serious!! Forget Dr. Google! I’ll just consult Dr. Sundry from now on!! :)

.303 Bookworm
.303 Bookworm
12 years ago

Sundry, GET OUT OF MY HEAD! Arrgh! And the same goes for Heather – I had one of those meltdowns last night but didn’t articulate it anywhere near as well.

So, about those pretzel things, given the limited supply here in NZ I need to ask – are they salty? Cause if not that just leaves me with the choc covered pretzels. hmmm….there’s a thought :o)

Claire
12 years ago

I am right there with you. Deep breaths. Treat yourself to your favorite meal, by yourself. That’s what I do. And I enjoy every blasted second of it.

Tia
Tia
12 years ago

You know what I do when I’m in a funk? I come here and read your blog. When I haven’t worked out and eat shit all day long, I go to Bodies in Motivation. Go back and read your old stuff and you will see how far you’ve come. And nice hair, so overrated.

Joy
Joy
12 years ago

You are deep in the throws of an official funk otherwise known by it’s scientific name Funktification. It happens to the best of us. Sometimes that little bastard just sneaks up on us and sometimes it hits us in the face with a frying pan.

Joy
Joy
12 years ago

Question. Why 23 years?

lisa
12 years ago

Hope your bad mood passes soon. Sometimes shit just happens! I don’t have any kids, but my husband’s and my cars both decided to die this week. His is so old that we decided that we’re going to buy something to replace it. Mine is in the shop right now. Last night I made a pan of fresh brownies to numb the pain. This is my grandmother’s recipe- super easy and quick:

Faye’s Brownies

Preheat oven to 350.

Ingredients:
1 cup all purpose flour
1/2 tsp baking powder
3/4 tsp salt
1 cup sugar
2 eggs, well beaten
2/3 cup vegetable oil
2 squares baking chocolate, melted
1 tsp vanilla extract
1/2 cup chopped nuts

Sift flour, baking powder & salt. Set aside. Beat sugar into eggs, mix in vegetable oil, chocolate and vanilla. Add flour, all at once. Add nuts. Turn into oiled 8×8 pan. Bake for 30-35 minutes.

Mmmmm.

JMH
JMH
12 years ago

Need chocolate covered potato chips? Not a problem. I live in a small Ohio town, and we have a local candy shop that makes those (and they are YUMMY!) They ship all over the country too:
http://mariescandies.stores.yahoo.net/

Enjoy! Oh, BTW, if you cannot find them on the web site, give them a call. They are AWESOME to work with :)

Lisa
Lisa
12 years ago

Dana: email your MIL the phone number of a pizza place, and tell her the phone call is on you. You are so funny, I was really laughing. When your MIL criticizes the taste of your food, you can say “how kind of you to point that out!” If she has any sensitivity at all, she will then feel like an ass. Also, I’m so sorry about your mom. last: start a blog now please. :)

Sundry: the therapy comment was all kinds of whack. the brain tumor thing made me laugh! I also have a project (a book chapter) that is dragging on and on. I’m worried they are going to kick my chapter out of the book! I am determined to finish it today. Maybe the time change is part of the general suckage? I hate that it’s dark so early.

Heather: I agree with someone above, you should definitely suggest that your MIL go to the ex’s house.

Fay: AWESOME

ErinM
12 years ago

THANK GOD it’s not just me! I think I’ve been eating a shit sandwich for three weeks now. And no doubt I’ve been serving them up to everyone in my path too! Aaaarrrrggghhh!

Andrea (@shutterbitch)
12 years ago

Linda, I’m the bitch you’re gonna have to cut up. Get OFF my fuckin’ potato chips. Oooh, are those pretzel turtles? Here, have the chips. *scurries over to the turtles*

Dana, I second the demand that you start a blog, STAT. It’s a good thing they don’t live in the same town as you or you’d have that all the time. While my in-laws aren’t quite as, erm… colorful (read: underhanded and passive aggressive) they, mainly my FIL, still suck, and only live about 10 minutes away. I’m pissed at them right now because for the 5th year in a row (incidentally the exact age of my first born) they’ve flaked out on babysitting for us on our wedding anniversary after they promised they’d do it. And this is really only one of two times all year long that we ask them.

Pass the fuckin’ chocolate salty stuff.

ErinM
12 years ago

Oh! And Dana, I would make that “disgusting” meal for your MIL on the 19th and as you serve it add a lil’ spit for flavor! :)

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Kellie
Kellie
12 years ago

Either that or PMS!

Mandy
Mandy
12 years ago

So funny that Mirena has been mentioned so much here, because when I read your post, I was like Hey – she should try Mirena. I got it six months ago and besides a day or two here and there, I’ve had NO monthly visitor, and I don’t think I’m any bitchier than I used to be – I feel much more in control as far as sending out APB for chocolaty/salty/whatever I can find foods. I do get an extra facial blemish every now and then, but it’s great to be worry free from the monthly.

Dawn
Dawn
12 years ago

My FMIL also drives me batty. Literally (and I take that word seriously) every single decision we have made for our wedding has been met with some sort of criticism. That includes the date we chose. We called her after we booked the venue (we chose a day in late March) – I shit you not, the very first thing she said was “That’s really inconsiderate and selfish of you to make your guests travel [from CT to MA, woooooo a two hour drive, how fucking terrible] in that AWFUL weather!” Not “congratulations,” not “where are you getting married?” In fact, she didn’t know where we were actually getting married for a full 2 weeks after we booked the place because she forgot to ask where it was happening, she was so mad that we chose such a “terrible” date. That was a year ago, and it has not stopped. It’s everything – the venue, the BM dresses, the groomsman outfits, the menu, flowers, favors, wedding party….even the registry. One item I registered for was too expensive, another too cheap. She even told me (about 5 times) how much she hates red, after I told her that’s one of my wedding colors.

If you couldn’t tell, I have a lot of rage.

Sundry
Sundry
12 years ago

Yep, I have the Mirena. I do like the fact that I never buy tampons any more, that’s for sure.

I never really used to notice PMS, now I do. Maybe it’s that I’m getting older. Maybe it’s a post-kids thing. Maybe it’s Maybelline . . I mean, the Mirena. Who knows? Thank god it’s only a few days now and then, because it’s seriously like having someone else’s brain. Their ANGRY, CRABBY, SNACKY brain.

Kelly
Kelly
12 years ago

Ohhh, a place to vent about my MIL. *claps hands excitedly*

Here are my top five moments:

1) No card or gift for my son’s birthday.
2) Her telling me I needed to “wait on” her husband, my husband, and brother in law, since that’s what “women do”. I later got chastized for not offering my FIL a drink, at my brother in law’s HOUSE.
3) Her coming over the night we got back from the hospital w/ my son. She brought nothing, and we had to order dinner. And then they WOULD’T leave. I was engorged beyond belief and in tears.
4) Telling me I was putting my son in danger, b/c I had too many problems breastfeeding, and that I was starving him.
5) Her giving my husband an earful b/c I hadn’t sent her pictures of my son. After we recieved no b-day card of gift from her. My husband wasn’t working, but I was to send these things. His ex fiance STILL DOES, after all.

Marna
12 years ago

Or you’re pregnant.

jennifer
jennifer
12 years ago

word.

Dana
Dana
12 years ago

Kelly, is your name really Cheryl, because you’re describing my shitty monster in law to a tee and, since you’re not me, I thought that maybe you might be my husband’s brother’s wife? No? Just a thought.

When she’s not busy bashing my cooking and cleaning skills, she’s bashing my parenting skills. And complaining about the lack of pictures sent to her. And alas, I know it may sound petty, but she never gives gifts to my daughter. Her only grandchild!! Why not?? I don’t get it.

Ok, I didn’t want to get into it anymore, but I just have to share this with you all:

My mother died when I was 5 months pregnant with my first child. Rather than my MIL take over with baby shower plans, she left it up to my father! Who’s 1) mourning a dead wife, and 2) a man. And when HER friends were not invited to my SURPRISE BABY SHOWER, she called me to complain and told me to tell my dad that he should have invited them! This woman must be stopped!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AAAAHHH, now I have to go and make more turtle preztels!

MyHormonesMadeMeDoIt
12 years ago

Last night when I got home my husband actually said “wow, the house was cleaned and you got your hair highlighted, I don’t remember the last time you were this happy.” So then I had to explain to him those two things are like sex with a blow job. I think he gets it.

#6
#6
12 years ago

Seasonal Affected Depression Syndrome -SADS

Affects up to 20% of the population in States bordering Canada (that explains Maine!!)

Worst week is the first week of Standard Time

Cure – Light Box – Available at Costco

Woman with Kids
12 years ago

Oy… so sad to be from Maine. And the brain tumors are normal, I hope. I have them a lot. I usually call them “life” and drive into a carton of ice cream…

abs
abs
12 years ago

Let’s not forget that this week also started with a full moon and a whole new time schedule. Everyone is feeling a bit off. Don’t be so hard on yourself, you rule!

Akofaolain
Akofaolain
12 years ago

Right there with you. The eating dog hair comment made me laugh out loud, though…so thanks for that! I needed it.

mnerva
mnerva
12 years ago

Sundry, I feel your pain, woman. And pass the chocolate-covered potato chips!

Dana: I am so sorry that you have such a shitty MIL. And that you had to deal with her during losing your mom AND being pregnant. You’re right, she must be stopped!