Riley was so excited about Santa’s impending arrival before he went to bed on Christmas Eve I figured he’d be the one waking us up. Maybe crawling over from his bed next to ours in JB’s cramped childhood bedroom, peeling back our eyelids, and urgently whispering that we needed to go and see if Santa ate his cookie or if the reindeer ate their carrot and by the way how about we take a look at those stockings.

Instead, JB sat bolt upright at 6:30 AM, peering blearily at his watch and shaking me awake, convinced we had somehow magically overslept, and despite the visual evidence of it being ass-early—such as for instance the room being PITCH BLACK—demanded we all get up. Even Riley wasn’t interested in Santa or presents right away, being as how he’d been blissfully asleep before his father started flapping around like a watch-misreading chicken, but eventually we all rallied with a minimal of residual irritation.

Except for the part where I’ll probably bring it up for many Christmases to come. (6:30!)

Riley was fairly geeked over the contents of his stocking, which featured, among other flotsam, an eyeball-searing flashlight. Dylan wanted to know when he was going to get some damn waffles already.

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Funny thing about Dylan’s present: I’d ordered a Melissa & Doug rocking horse weeks ago, and in the flurry of packing to leave the house on Tuesday we managed to leave it behind. JB remembered it just as we were driving through Portland, and I spent a couple hours in a near tizzy, calling nearby stores, trying to find expedited shipping options online, and generally freaking out because OMG what if I didn’t get to see his face light up at Christmas the way I’d been imagining, AIIEEEE. I finally found a different rocking horse on Amazon and overnighted that bitch, then we were all at dinner on Christmas Eve and learned that a family friend—who happens to be a FedEx driver—couldn’t make it because he was working overtime delivering last-minute packages. Sure enough, when we got back to JB’s parents’ house, there was the horse, delivered safe and sound. So we ruined someone’s Christmas Eve, I spent an extra $70, we now have two rocking horses, and honestly three hours after Dylan got the horse he was back to scampering around with a sofa pillow between his legs, neighing and chirping “Ridin’ da horses!”

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Oh, he was thrilled with it, though. He named it Santa. No lie.

I got Riley a Woody doll and that proved to be fantastically entertaining. For ME, that is. “Who’s got a woody? Let’s not touch our brother’s woody so much, now. Remember, a woody doesn’t belong in your mouth!” HA HA HA HA HA what?

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Dylan’s gifts almost universally included ten thousand twist ties, and let me tell you, if you’re ever shopping for a little kid, the greatest gift you can possibly give is the act of removing said twist ties before a child is presented with the toy he cannot actually play with until someone does the grunt work, because WOE and TANTRUMS and FISHFLOPPING and LUMPS OF COAL.

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Riley got the skateboard he’d wanted so badly, and even though I’m convinced it was a terrible idea and he’s going to break every clumsy little bone in his body on the damn thing, he loves it so much. And so far, he’s not half bad. I mean, whatever that wheelie thing is that he’s doing here, I tried to do it and about fell on my ass.

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All in all, it was a pretty great Christmas. I hope yours was too.

4219029709_301d72b1f8

PS: JB’s brother gave him a hunting decoy. That, combined with the Toy Story merchandise, was deeply pleasing to me. Merry XXXmas!



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Connie
Connie
12 years ago

OMG– you are soooo wrong.

Glad you had a happy Woody, Piece of Tail Holiday.

Magpie
12 years ago

BWAHAHAHAHA <3

Jem
Jem
12 years ago

Aww, sounds awesome. Merry Christmas!!!

Martha
Martha
12 years ago

LOVE the last picture!

JennB
JennB
12 years ago

Awesome. We had some FISHFLOPPING on this end of the screen in the intense waiting moments of trying to disconnect the damn toys from their packaging. I mean, are all of those wires and things really necessary? China seems to think so.
Happy holidays, and happy new year too!

Swistle
12 years ago

“Watch-misreading chicken”—HEE!

And I love that after all that effort, he was right back to pretending a couch cushion was a horse. CHILDREN.

samantha jo campen
12 years ago

Why kids can’t perform how they are SUPPOSED to is beyond me. For I had envisioned a perfect scene once Theo was presented with his beloved train set. But alas, it wasn’t what I had planned in my head.

Funny how parenting is pretty much ALWAYS that way huh? :-)

Glad you had a great Christmas!

g~
g~
12 years ago

After 7 years of Christmases spent with us growing increasingly frustrated with the Nuclear-secrets-level, anti-theft, anti-shift packaging until we felt like throwing the damn toy away, we finally started getting the toys out of the packaging BEFORE the actual wrapping. Geniuses, we aren’t. Of course, I just need to convince everyone else to do the same and we would be all set.

Anonymous
Anonymous
12 years ago

Yeah those twist tie things neatly twisted around those little plastic stripe things = ONE HUGE PAIN IN MY ASS. We take most things out of their packaging before Christmas day and either wrap the item if it is from us or leave it unwrapped from Santa.

Wow I am impressed with the rocking horse situation. I would have just said screw it, I think?!

Donna
Donna
12 years ago

That is nothing compared to the weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth that we endured when I made all the 5 grandkids dress up for pictures at the mall in the victorian photo kiosk. From 14 years to 2 years 4 months, they all wanted to choke me. Well, except for the 2 year old who thought it was the greatest thing ever, posed ever so prettily, pranced around with her little flowered bonnet, and literally drew a crowd. She was a star!! And cheap, she worked for a piece of gum….will email a pic when I get them….

AndreAnna
12 years ago

Nothing to add to the post that has any real relevance except I LOVE your hair pulled back.

In a total non-lesbian-stalker kind of way.

Not that there’s anything wrong with lesbians.

It’s the lesbian-stalkers I have issues with.

js
js
12 years ago

I loved that XXXmas video! So great on SO many levels. I was up until 1am undoing all those twist ties so my daughter could enjoy the toys right away and was then awoken at 5:52am by her POKING ME IN THE RIBS screaming “SANTA CAME!” In a mean mom move I told her it was way too early and told her to climb in bed with me, where she laid for, oh, 1.2 seconds until “I CAN’T SLEEP! I’m SO excited! WAKE UP!” I believe all I muttered for the next hour or so was “coffee, coffee, fucking COFFEE!” Glad you all enjoyed!

Danell
Danell
12 years ago

Belated Merry Christmas to you and your beautiful family!

Aunt Becky
12 years ago

I totally have a Woody.

Tony
12 years ago

My son got a Semi.

You know, an 18 wheel rig.

BunnyBear
12 years ago

Best Christmas gift for parents; wire cutters. I give them to everyone just for the twisty tie situation. Great stocking stuffer.

Michelle
Michelle
12 years ago

I love the woody jokes!!!! My 8 year old son loved the Toy Story movies when he was 2 or 3. We were at the store a week ago and we saw all the Woody dolls, he said “mom I haven’t had a woody in a long time”!!! All I could do was laugh.

Maria
12 years ago

We were at Disney a couple of weeks ago and my mom looked out a window in a quiet eating area and yelled “THAT’S A HUGE WOODY!” Good times.

Amy
Amy
12 years ago

First off: “I finally found a different rocking horse on Amazon and overnighted that bitch” – I love you and your writing.

Secondly – you, your husband and your kids are gorgeous!

That is all – have a happy new year!

.303 Bookworm
.303 Bookworm
12 years ago

These adverts are currently playing on NZ TV to advertise Woodstock bourbon. Now I realise you’re a non-drinker but I think you’ll like the ad…

Is it OK if your mates mum gives you a woody? Yes, Yes it is ok. Crack a woody.

.303 Bookworm
.303 Bookworm
12 years ago

Sorry, the links didn’t come through (probably because I have as much techno nouse as a flea).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Y79G26NDo4&NR=1

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=THtG3SZ1gxY

Sue
Sue
12 years ago

Happy Christmas!
Bunny Bear,what a great idea,giving them as gifts!
I always have needle nose wirecutters in my bathrobe pocket(only on Christmas morning…all year ’round might be weird),also manicure scissors, for the freaky fishing line noose that holds Barbie in her box

Korinna
12 years ago

Those damn twist-ties. I, of course, sat back and let my husband undo them while fielding off our feral toddler.

Bachelor Girl
12 years ago

Merry Christmas, Team Sundry!

Brenda
12 years ago

I need to get a Woody doll for an adult. is that weird?

My oldest daughter once got up in the middle of the night and went out to the front room an found her cabbage patch doll and then proceeded to try on the boys slippers and tweeked everything….. so we didn’t get any oooh’s and awww’s that year at all. I still bring it up to her.

Liz
Liz
12 years ago

Ha ha, my 16-month-old got that same horse from his grandparents for Christmas and is TERRIFIED of it! We had to sequester it in the office because he won’t go near it, except to say “Bye bye. Bye bye,” while slowly backing up. Next to the horse: a terrifying 8-inch blow-up chicken that came as an accessory to a ball pit farm.

Junni
Junni
12 years ago

Oh my god, I know that Woody. My little brother had him. Does he have a pull string?

“Yee haw, cowboy!”
“There’s a snake in my boots”
“You’re my favorite deputy”

Is that sad, or what?

Amy
Amy
12 years ago

My sister woke up the whole family at 4:30 am once. She thought the clock said 9.

Also – Woody. hahhahahhahahha.

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