Yours is the advice I like best and the advice I like to give: You’ll figure it out, and this will pass.

Because it’s true. We’re all winging it and somehow, usually, it does work out.

I think the only confident parent might be someone who has no kids, or only has one (like us… ha) We totally think we know what we did right and wrong with Maggie so far, and we’re about to get a chance to do it again. Which, I imagine means that we’re about to get a chance to learn that HEY! WE STILL HAVE NO EFFING CLUE WHAT WE’RE DOING! And we’ll be making the same mistakes all over again- or new ones, even. GOOD TIMES ;)

I just try to remind myself: as long as my kid is happy, healthy, and fed, I’ve done my job. Right? Everything else is just details.

Well, I remember reading in the Girlfriends’ Guide that her kids all were potty trained at about exactly the same age as one another despite the fact that with the first one she tried really hard for a long time, and the last one she barely worked at it.

I’m going with that theory, despite the fact that my 2 1/2 year old has some friends at day care who’ve been in panties since before they were 2. My oldest wasn’t completely trained until she was 3 months shy of 3, so I don’t figure the second one will be either. I know that partly it’s just laziness on my part, but I don’t care enough about having her potty trained to put her on the potty every 15 or 30 minutes. That is not my idea of fun, and I quite frankly believe that if that level of my involvement is necessary, she’s not really ready!

I had a horrible, stab-you-in-the-face infant experience, as you and the rest of the world knows. And the hilarious thing is, as you said, I have no idea what to do or what I did to get the kid finally sleeping. I mean, I sleep-trained, but … well, fat lot of luck that did me, because even WITH sleep-training, kid didn’t STTN (see what I did there? MESSAGE BOARD VETERAN) until almost 15 months anyway, which isn’t as long as Dylan, but is still not particularly um, average. (TWICE A NIGHT. SOMETIMES THREE OR FOUR)

Adam and I are chatting — preliminarily — about having a second, and the thing that stumps me, every time, is that after all that hell, after all the HOURS AND HOURS OF SCREAMING AND SCREAMING AND SCREAMING AND WAILING AND CODDLING, I have no idea how to care for a newborn. I don’t know what people with normal babies DO, and I have no wisdom to impart even on MYSELF, after going through that, other than to stay calm and not flip your shit.

The thing is, when people DO follow the books and are all, “I DID THIS. MY KID IS DREAM SLEEPER!” and take CREDIT for their miraculous sleeping child, I kind of want to punch them, because, sorry, people. Sometimes you do everything “right” and still get the shit end of things. So wipe that smug look off your face. YOU GOT LUCKY, BITCH.

Bottom line: When/if we have a second kid, I think I will be as lost, if not more so, than I was the first time. How does that happen? Isn’t the point of this stuff to LEARN? IT IS ALL SO CONFUSING.

FOR RECREATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY

Hahahahaha – Love this.

I’m four years into parenting (in the One and Done club, ***knocking on wood***)and am still totally winging it. Part of the reason I’m not planning on any other kids is for this reason exactly – I can’t remember how we got through it the first time!!!

If all you are offering is “It gets better with time”, I’ll take it. I have not slept in two years either. Dylan is about 7 months older than my son so if you say it will happen, I’m going to believe you , because I have nothing else. I’ll say this, though- I’ve kind of stopped trying and it’s been a little bit liberating. I stopped reading the books, stopped taking the copious notes about how much he ate and drank that day, how many hours he slept the night before, what time he woke up, how much playtime he got that day, and on and on…none of it has ever made one ounce of difference. AGH.

I’ve discovered that the only time I feel confident as a parent is when I’m winging it. I am the sort of person who reads ALL the books and websites and pours over every detail and all it ever did was make me feel less informed. Which is not to say, ya know, don’t try to …know stuff. But information overload can be really exhausting and in the end most of it is opinion.

We are ALL winging it…I believe that with all my might. Until a couple of months ago it was just the 3 of us in my family, with the 8 yr old praying for a brother and a sister, specifically NOT infants so she could play with them. Well, she got her prayers answered and now has a brother (almost 3) and sister (20 mos). HOO BOY!! I used to laugh at the stuff you’d post about Dylan maniacally stuffing dog hair into his mouth and the other funny stuff (HORSE!) but now it hits closer to home… I do still laugh when I can get a chance to read your blog, but I am crying right there with ya too! We started potty training last week and soon I will start to unload the adventures in parenting/open adoption(2nd)/sleep deprivation. Right now I’m trying to soak up the chaos because it won’t always be like this…right?

I have two and still don’t know what the hell I’m doing most of the time. Frankly, I keep wondering when I will stop having to learn the same lessons over and over and over again. Sometimes I feel like I’ve got a handle on parenting and others I feel like I’m never going to get it figured out because the game keeps changing. I’m just going the best I can (and have also hung out the vag sign – no more babies for us).

My daughter was three months shy of three before she was potty trained. I heard over and over again how rushing your child before he/she is ready can just backfire and everyone fells frustrated. I waited until she showed an interest in doing it herself. One day she decided to go on the potty with no prompting and she hasn’t been in a diaper since.

Oh, and i quit reading parenting books when she was about six months old because they stressed me the HELL out! No child is the same, so how do these ‘rules’ and techniques apply to all children?

Just go with the flow…….

My theory of know-it-alls is that they had easy kids. They could have done anything and it would have worked, but they ascribe special power to their particular theory.

Wing away! It’s more fun that way!

Like Jonniker, our first, our only so far, wakes up constantly, and I tell you, it’s truly disheartening when your only experience is a bad one. He’s 20 months old and resists sleep training… in fact, he sounds pretty much exactly like your Dylan, and I suppose there’s some comfort in that. You know, someone else has the INTENSE child that I do that is simultaneously a delight and a devil, but OH. I just do not know about having another. And our plan was always to have another. But I am so tired, and other than the vacation we took a couple months ago without the kid, I just don’t know what a full night’s sleep feels like anymore. And I don’t have another (normal-sleeper) child to show me that sometimes you get a break on things like that. Sure, other people have kids who sleep well, but what about meeeee? What if all of my (potential) children decline to sleep? How will I survive?

My bambino is 2 months old, and it’s been 7(!) years since I’ve done this. He may be my third, but I’m still winging it, and I’m sorry to say that approximately 76.49574983% of the time the things that were applicable with my oldest didn’t end up working with my middle child, and God only knows if they’ll work with this new one. Daughter 1 = great sleeper, picky eater. Daughter 2 = poor sleeper, great eater. I think the mark of a reasonably sane parent is not so much about the ability to identify the exact techniques that work under precise circumstances, and more about the ability to remain flexible and try to keep a sense of humor. Of course, it’s hard to keep a sense of humor while cleaning brownie barf out of the beige carpet…

We didn’t get to STTN till 18 months. Yup. Still not sure how we lasted that long. And he is almost 3 and just now at preschool they are starting potty time. We’re not pushing it. Both of us were first kids and didn’t do it until we were good and ready, according to our parents. He comes by it honestly.
LOVE your description of Dylan. Sounds like my guy! How sad is it that two new phrases out of him are “Be Quiet” and “No More Screaming”? (Balanced with “Mommy sing _______” so it ain’t all bad!)

Wait until they are almost out of their teens…

I hear ya. It was just the other day that I looked at my 17 and 19 year old girls and thought ‘How the hell did I do that?’

My friend attended her daughters graduation and told me she cried..I said ‘Awww’. She said ‘Uh… no awww! I’m just happy I managed to get her through high school without getting pregnant, on drugs or in jail..’

We do the best we can with what we have and then just hope and pray that all the planets align correctly.

You’re not alone! I’ve got four kids and I’m STILL making it up as I go along!

Comparing your son’s personality to Hitler during the Holocaust. Nice. Sure hope you don’t have many of them Jews among your readers. Classy.

The other day I said on FB that I was having a hard time imagining HOW I would toilet train my 2.5 year old daughter, she is a very headstrong and crazy person and she demands candy whether or not she has even sat down on that damned potty. Many friends of mine posted nice advice, or just said what they did, and then another friend of mine was all, “You just have to be determined – it doesn’t matter about the child, the PARENT has to be more determined, it’s up to YOU. I just decided to train my third and we just did it and it worked and it was great”. Or something like that. And I was all, what the hell? How is that helpful? How is that advice and not just bragging about how awesomely awesome you are?

I’m with Mrs. M — there’s very little that will shock me, but I’ll admit to being a little horrified by that joke.

It’s not just the comparison to Hitler – it’s making the reference to the bodies being stuffed into ovens. That’s what removes it from a run of the mill Hitler comparison to something that will offend many.

I can’t believe there is a line between acceptable Hitler jokes and offensive ones. Well, I mean, I guess I do, because that’s what you’re telling me. But wow.

“them Jews?” I find that a bit more offensive than the reference in the blog post. And I’m one of “them Jews”.

We are in the same boat. After 4 years of motherhood the one thing I’ve learned is that “winging it” is the only way to get through without losing your everloving mind. So much of this stuff is about control & development for the kiddo–pushing them to your schedule isn’t always productive or possible.

for what it’s worth, my 4 year old is up at least once at night, every night. I gave up on “sleep through the night” a LONG time ago. LOL

Ahahahaha! Tiny mercurial drunken dictator. I got your meaning, and don’t see any malice behind it.

I must be an asshole, because I laughed. It was the “Ich liebe dich Mann” that really got me.

Seems like you’re doing the best you can by winging it. All you can do is face the challenge in front of you, right? I mean, why read 500 books on sleep training if your kid is a champion sleeper but won’t eat? And you won’t know what challenge your kid will present until you’re in the middle of it.

Oh, and Mrs M? Hitler killed the handicapped, gays, and lots of others beynd the Jews. So really, EVERYONE should be totally offended and hate Sundry.

I have three kids. My first was a good sleeper. My second was an AWESOME sleeper. So of course I was feeling pretty good about myself at that point, like I should teach a class or write a book or some shit. Then I had my third and she was a TERRIBLE sleeper. So the only think I know now about babies is that you get what you get and their great or terrible sleeping has NOTHING TO DO with how you are as a parent. People should stop trying to take credit for what their kids naturally are.

I am so glad that Dylan sleeps better now, and as always you crack me up.

Jews for Sundry!

(Bumper sticker coming soon.)

I’m convinced that anyone who says she knows exactly what she’s doing is lying — to me or to herself. Raising kids is the ultimate live-in science experiment.

So far, we’re doing okay, I guess, and enjoying the ride. We’ve managed to keep the two of them alive for 8 and 11 years respectively, so there’s that.

Whenever one of them is having some kind of meltdown, I just throw another quarter in the Therapy Jar. I figure it’s all going to be my fault anyway, so I might as well start saving now.

Oh, and for the record, we had one who put himself to sleep as soon as he discovered his thumb at 4 months. The other one? At 10 months she could scream like a banshee for well over an hour and still not fall asleep. I hold her personally responsible for every gray hair on my head.

Joining the Jews for Sundry campaign. :)

(Somehow I don’t see you composing this entry with a “how can I offend the Jews?” thought in your brain…)

My mother wants Adam and me to join Jews for Jesus, but this new Jews for Sundry thing looks much more appealing.

I’ll save you a seat on the bus to hell. You and your ‘questionable joke choices’ make me laugh.
Glad to hear Dylan is sleeping better (knock on wood!).

GAHAHAHAHAAA! Jew For Sundry! Love it!

So funny, I sort of wrote about a related topic today.

In a way, it’s comforting to know that, even with several years and two kids’ worth of experience, you’re still figuring it out. I mean, I don’t know how anyone can claim to be an expert on anything kid-related, because each of these small humans are brand-new people, no two alike. You know? So in that sense we’re all flying blind and doing the best we can.

And people who act like they’ve got it all figured out can blow it out their ear.

After six months of being told that we were “creating a monster” by cosleeping with our son (who is neither a good sleeper nor a bad sleeper, just a Very Dependent one), Eli slept the whole night in his crib last night (not counting the handful of easily soothed wakings and two feeds because baby steps, people). You know what we did differently? Nothing. We WAITED. And occasionally tried him in his crib to see whether he’d tolerate it.

When we tried to force it at 3 months, we got to the point where he’d sleep at least start out the night there but only after the twenty minutes of rocking/gingerly place into crib/tip-toe out of the room routine you mentioned. We’re now at the point where we can put him in awake but drowsy and soothe to sleep from beside the crib. And it only takes two minutes, tops.

I take no credit for anything other than eventually accepting that my kid would sleep alone when he was damn well ready to and stressing about it would only result in less sleep for everyone.

(Unrelated sidenote: I don’t know exactly what you’re doing school-wise, but I know it involved some human health and nutrition stuff so it occurs to me that you MIGHT be amused by a human medical science video spoof of Justin Timberlake’s Sexyback that I posted at my blog. FWIW, I had nothing to do with the creation of the video, I just like to spread the geeky love.)

My feeling is that the people who give parenting advice are the ones who either 1) didn’t have to do anything to get a particular outcome because their kid just did it anyway, or 2) did something and think they caused the outcome, but really the kid just did it anyway. The rest of us just flail around trying to make something happen and eventually the kid does it on their own, but not before we’ve entirely exhausted all of our physical and mental reserves.

This is awesome. I am pregnant with my first and I know when I am at my wits end and have no idea what I am doing, I will remember this post and feel so ease that I am not alone and no one else really does either! Thanks! (And the Hitler joke was hilarious, not offensive. Keep on keepin’ on.)

My first slept through the night in his crib by the time he was 6 weeks old. My second… not so much. I would walk laps of the main floor of our house telling her I will always love her, but I’d buy her a pony if she would just. go. to. sleep. A switch flipped when she was 13 months old, and it got better. Not perfect, and even now, at almost 2, she still wakes up a couple times a week but she almost always gets herself back down.

There is a reason sleep deprivation is a form of torture, and my girl has a future as the director of the CIA.

One of my best friends just adopted a baby and asked why my boy was a good sleeper and the girl was not. I had no answer. We did everything the same, then we did it all differently, then we gave up and just looked at her some nights while she screamed and nothing would settle her and nothing was wrong. I don’t think my friend was pleased with that answer, but it’s the truth. All the books and advice and tricks and everything – read them, tried them… some kids are crap sleepers. The best advice anyone gave me – when you are at the limit, when you can’t take any more and you are going to lose it – kiss your baby and tell them how much you love them. It’s what got me through more than a year of not sleeping.

That and the idea that when she is 15, I am waking her ass up at 7:00 am on a Saturday to clean house and then go to brunch with her Nana :)

“Ich liebe dich Mann!”

Holy shit, Linda. I’ve been laughing about this since I first read it two hours ago.

I know you get this all the time, but THANK YOU for keeping it real and being honest about how hard parenthood is. Kids are difficult and trying and awful sometimes and so many people around me (other SAHMs) make it look so easy, all the while maintaining a spotless home, perfecting their two week-old’s napping schedule and home-schooling their gifted triplets. Being a stay-at-home mom is the hardest thing I’ve ever done and it’s just so refreshing to know that there are other people out there who understand and know that all we can do is try our best, wait it out, and seek to maintain some sense of sanity and humour through it all.
THANK YOU!

Thank you so much for this. My spirited toddler has also recently stopped sleeping through the night and I found myself thinking back on your post about the familiar territory of NO SLEEP and how that must be all behind you now. (Admittedly feeling all sorts of pity for myself.) Grit your teeth and get through it. Thank you for distilling the indescribable (and sometimes insurmountable) into such simple wisdom.

You really know how to make me laugh out loud. “Recreational purposes only” *snort*

My son did not start sleeping through the night until he was 18 months. Up until then he was literally up multiple times, for hours at a time. He required intricate rituals to fall asleep and they seemed to change from month to month. Swinging in the carseat, pushing back and forth in the vibrating seat, rocking this giant, 1.5 year old child IN MY ARMS for HOURS on end MY GOD!!! We were exhausted for YEARS! I never thought I would be sane again, but somehow, now that he is almost 4, the memories of the torture endured have faded enough that I actually wanted to have another baby. I am now 12 weeks pregnant and OMG I am scared shitless… the endless nights of colicky screaming and pacing are mostly a foggy memory at this point… but my god… what if happens again?!! My son is the love of my life, but my god was he HARD… even now he is the most willful child I’ve EVER met lol. I guess though, I will just figure it out day by day and do what seems to work at that moment and go with the flow. Because really, what else is there?? I refuse to read parenting books or advice… I tried once upon a time, but all they do is make me frustrated and angry lol. It’s just nice to know I’m not the only one winging it :)

Hilarious and so so true.
Sounds like you have a similar sleeper to mine, who at 2.75 we were just finally feeling really settled with… Until we moved him to the infamous Big Boy Bed in his own room for the first time. Let’s just say I am getting comfortable falling asleep at 9 pm with squirmy in a tiny twin bed. This too shall pass, and now I know it.

I totally love jokes about despicable things but must follow up with “Too soon?” Always makes them twice as funny. But I also think there are few things in life we shouldn’t be able to joke about. Humor gets us through.

Ha, love your posts about Dylan. I have a just-turned-two year old boy who is remarkably similar in attitude. It is maddening and frustrating and hilarious all rolled into one.

FWIW, my older child didn’t sleep through the night until she was almost 3. And she is still up at least once a night most nights, but that’s a huge improvement on 5-6 times a night. Sleep deprivation is indeed torture.

And, take it or leave it, but I used the 3 Day Potty Training Method with both kids, including the now 2 year old. After a week (not 3 days – ha!) he is now about 95% trained.

I have 6 kids, 25 down to 7, most days I go to bed thinking “Huh….got through another day, fancy that!” 3 adult kids too, amazing, I can even take them out in public and everything. Of course I still have 3 little ones and all 3 are on the autism spectrum so there we go, winging it again! I suspect there are very few parents who successfully raise their kids to adulthood and actually know how they did it!

When I give parenting advice (Unsolicited. Asshole that I am.) it’s usually because I’ve been flailing like a moron and by luck hit upon something that worked. So I think, hey maybe this will be the magic bullet that works for my flailing friends too.

I’ve been so numbed to Hitler jokes by my Jewish husband and his Jewish friends (The more offensive the better. Oven reference always required.) that it took me a while to realize what people were getting huffy about. Like, what is NOT funny about Hitler? My grandmother died in a Polish war camp, and Hitler jokes still crack me up. Ya know, my mom died from cancer and yet I can still make tumor jokes.

from what I have learned from my early ed. classes, consistency (using the same phrases, same rules, same routine)and remaining calm (tone) is what works best with young children

I have 2 kids (7 and 3) and I would say on a weekly basis my husband and I call each other jokingly on our “Rookie” mistakes.
Like some of your other commenters I am currently on day 4 of the 3 day potty training method. My son is about 90% potty trained and it was WAY faster than when I trained my daughter. I swear though moms that potty train boys should receive hazard pay. The CONSTANT vigilance, unpredictability, hazardous materials, and directional issues. Plus the extra pay would help off set the “kids are in bed and he made it in the potty” celebration drink(s).

You write a blog, wherein any “expert” advice is quickly smacked down with NO THATS RONG YOU STUPID HOAR.

Your readers may have slightly better manners than that, but still. You didn’t write a book based on your degree and occasional consult while wringing legitimacy from the fact that your RN wife raised nine kids.

And then if anyone complained your method was shit-tastic, you could just claim she was a crazy bitch who doesn’t know anything about child-rearing. After all, you slept fine while your wife was raising nine kids.

So what I’m saying is: people with the confidence to write books have the ability to delude themselves and avoid criticism.

Trust me, the know-it-alls get their comeuppance when their kids are teenagers.

My kids are 22 and 17, and the 22 year old screamed nonstop like a banshee with colic the first four months of her life, but was potty trained at barely two. The 17 year old didn’t sleep through the night once until he was FOUR and wasn’t at all distressed about being three years old and still in diapers. Oh, and now, we can’t get him OUT of the damn bed!

My braggart neighbor with the perfect daughter who slept 14 hours a night, ate broccoli and mushrooms, and toilet trained HERSELF? Yeah. That kid just had a baby at 17. She and her baby daddy are living with my neighbor, who oddly, doesn’t do too much bragging these days.

Karma is a bitch and she knows where everyone lives. Everyone.