The other day I read that Paul Reubens—you know, Pee-Wee Herman—still protests his innocence over that unsavory arrest in 1991 when he was allegedly caught jerking off in a porn theater. His proof? Here’s what he says:

“Had we gone to trial, we had ready an expert from the Masters and Johnson Institute who was going to testify that in 30 years of research on masturbation the institute had never found one person who masturbated with his or her nondominant hand. “

Now, I didn’t go on to read the entire article so maybe it eventually becomes clear that he was making that up. I mean, 30 years of research? Not one person chokes the chicken/slaps the mackerel with a nondominant hand? I call bullshit. Surely most of us could get creative if the other hand was busy, like, holding a bucket of popcorn in a movie theater or whatever.

Then I thought about it, and realized that I only use my left hand. My dominant hand, if we’re categorizing hands into the one that addresses holiday cards and the one that rides bitch. I don’t think I could use my right hand if my life depended on it, assuming there was a really bizarre terrorist-demands-orgasm situation going on.

Frankly, I’m less of a fingers-do-the-walking and more of an Energizer-bunny gal when it comes you, you know, taking a solo trip to the happy place. What can I say, I value efficiency. But I can’t imagine using my right hand, even to hold the battery-powered device in question. It’d be like the difference between signing my name in cursive flourishes with my left hand, then switching to my right in order to stroke-victimly scrawl out LNDO.

According to my extensive Masturbate My Johnson Institute study of one, I could sort of see where Mr. Reuben’s coming from. (Back row, aisle seat, guy with the handkerchief.) I got curious about what dudes had to say about this, though, so naturally I went to Twitter. My question was if guys ever used their nondominant hand for personal solitary activities, and here are some of the responses:

My husband uses his non-dominant hand when he’s…handling things himself.

Learned how when I broke my hand. Now I’m sort of ambidextrous. TMI?

I write, box and throw right-handed; ‘Personal Solitary Activities’, left-handed 99% of the time.

Of course, if we didn’t the calluses would start to rub us the wrong way.

I then asked JB, who said he couldn’t be sure unless he was doing it, so maybe we should retire to the bedroom and, like, see for ourselves? Then he admitted that he prefers the left hand. The non-dominant hand.

So, maybe Pee-Wee was engaged in hand-to-gland combat in that theater all these years ago, and maybe he wasn’t, but I still say shenanigans on his so-called proof of innocence. Unless self-pleasure ambidextrousness has greatly improved since 1991, perhaps as a result of texting? Someone should do a study on this. In fact, I will. Give me a research grant and a day of Twitter access and we’ll, you know, bang this thing out.

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Niki
Niki
12 years ago

I peed my pants laughing. You are brilliant!

Erika
Erika
12 years ago

You’re a great writer. Has anyone told you that lately? Well, you are.

Valerie
Valerie
12 years ago

I love you how go from the trials of putting your baby to sleep one day to this.

Liz
Liz
12 years ago

If a man can’t masturbate in a porn theater, where CAN he masturbate? This is not what our Founding Fathers had in mind.

heather
12 years ago

oh my, you’re funny.

suzy
suzy
12 years ago

This, right here, is the reason you are my favorite blogger EVER. I adore you. The end.

Amanda
12 years ago

OMG are you too much. I saw that article and while I don’t care enough whether he was guilty or not, I called bullshit on his reasoning.

Eric's Mommy
Eric's Mommy
12 years ago

That was awesome.
I am right handed, I write with my right hand. I eat with my left hand.

Chloe
Chloe
12 years ago

When I took a human sexuality class (and in casual conversations with gay men, or, you know, with my boyfriend) I have found that men OVERWHELMINGLY prefer using their non-dominant hand for masturbation.

According to the first gay man with whom this came up, he said it felt “more like someone else” was doing the er, stimulation that way.

I prefer my dominant (left) hand though. I have tried with the other, but it’s just not the same.

I call shenanigans on ol’ Pee Wee.

Kizz
12 years ago

When you get your research grant I think you need to add a tangent. Is it possible that the, er, rise of usage in the non-dominant hand has increased in proportion to the availability of internet porn/chat/skype? Have to be able to do the deed and type out your O at the same time so do you use the dominant hand for typing or, well, skyping (if you know what I mean)?

Donna
Donna
12 years ago

Speaking for myself, actually no, speaking for all your devoted fans, especially those of us who know of the random lube, we would be glad to give you a hand with that study….

What? Like you wouldn’t have said it.

I write lefty, everything else, righty. So so wrong, lol!

Lo
Lo
12 years ago

I don’t buy that men overwhelmingly use the non-dominant hand, but I thought it was well known that for “the strange” men use the other hand. You can also sit on it for a few minutes first so it goes numb, and then it feels even more like someone else is doing it.

I would be astounded if sex researchers had never heard of this, and if so they need to be fired & find jobs they don’t suck at so much. :P

Kathryn
Kathryn
12 years ago

My husband had a high school friend who claimed to use his non-dominant hand because “it feels like someone else is doing it.” Oh, poor sad high school boy who can’t get a hand job…

Katherine
Katherine
12 years ago

I often use both hands. Just sayin’.

Ashley
12 years ago

Hilarious! Laughed so hard at this!

Frank
12 years ago

I can’t imagine doing with my non-dominant hand. Too awkward.

victoria
victoria
12 years ago

Both.

nonsoccermom
12 years ago

Awesome. And hilarious!!

cindy w
12 years ago

I asked my very proper British husband about this. He got red-faced, laughed, and said, “I don’t know, but I think that’s crap.” (Meaning Pee-Wee’s theory of handedness.)

Personally, I can use my battery-powered device with either hand. But maybe I’m just a weirdo on that one.

Karen
Karen
12 years ago

“Terrorist-demands-orgasm situation” Thanks for the new creepy fantasy scenario!

serror
serror
12 years ago

Hilarious! And awesome!

(I just typed that comment and then looked up to see nonsoccermom’s. I guess we think alike!)

Pinkie Bling
Pinkie Bling
12 years ago

“stroke-victimly scrawl out LNDO” killed me.

I love you.

christy
12 years ago

Not sure about the dominant vs. non-dominant hand thing, but I have heard if you sit on your hand until it falls asleep, then it feels like a stranger is doing it. There’s one to throw in the ole arsenal.

Aubrey
Aubrey
12 years ago

Wow. When are you going to write your book? Toddler sleeping trials, lousy commuting struggles, and questions about “flying solo.” I love your writing!

6512 and growing
12 years ago

You are hilarious. My face hurts from grinning. I’m pleasantly ambidextrous in these sorts of matters.

MichelleH
MichelleH
12 years ago

I read this same article and you’re right, it is total bullshit. I have a feeling your research could lead you into all kinds of crazy directions-Paging Dr. Kinsey!

Just admit it, Paul! Some of us never cared anyway! What on earth would one expect someone to be doing in a porno theatre?? Although, I think it’s kind of a gross thing to share this uh, experience with other movie goers, he wasn’t hurting anybody-just self abuse, ha.

@christy, I thought of that too. Where did we hear that?? It’s a quote from a movie, I think. Need to do some googling…

Laura
Laura
12 years ago

This is the funniest thing I have read in way too fucking long.

Travel Monkey
12 years ago

woo hoo ! I was twitter-quoted in a famous blog! The rest of you will have to figure out which quote.

Amy @ Taste Like Crazy
12 years ago

“Frankly, I’m less of a fingers-do-the-walking and more of an Energizer-bunny gal when it comes you, you know, taking a solo trip to the happy place. What can I say, I value efficiency. But I can’t imagine using my right hand, even to hold the battery-powered device in question. It’d be like the difference between signing my name in cursive flourishes with my left hand, then switching to my right in order to stroke-victimly scrawl out LNDO.”

This paragraph is what cause me to comment. It’s just so…wrong and right at the same time?

Whatever it is, it’s comment worthy.

Amy @ Taste Like Crazy
12 years ago

cause = caused Yay for not proofreading!

Lynn
Lynn
12 years ago

I’ll gladly be your first female case of masturbating: doing it the wrong way. I’m a lefty and I only masturbate with my right hand. I think I’d spell out LNDO too while masturbating with my left hand, somehow. It’s just impossible for me.

Judy
Judy
12 years ago

I’m right handed. I’m also single and not dating and not looking to change either of those things. I can tell you, if they cut off my right hand tomorrow, my sex life would end.

Kari
Kari
12 years ago

Okay, I am a little horrified that I have this to contribute, but I asked my boyfriend, and while he, too, primarily uses his dominant hand, he thoughtfully pointed out the following (paraphrased):

“Masturbation has changed a lot for men in the past ten years because of internet porn. The mouse is always in your right hand, so many of us had to become adept at nondominant hand usage.”

Probably wouldn’t affect PeeWee’s case, but there you go – one more anecdote for the files.

Sarah
Sarah
12 years ago

That institute didn’t find me.

Lara
12 years ago

Me to BF: “So when you wank it, do you use your left hand or your right hand?”

BF: “I use my mouth.”

Lara
12 years ago

(and now he is advocating “the Stranger” as well.)

Rebecca
Rebecca
12 years ago

Um, non-dominant here. Exclusively.

Jamie
Jamie
12 years ago

This entry makes me want to move next door to you – but not in a creepy way.

I’ll ask the BF tonight for his scientific input, but as for myself, I have to represent the non-dominant population. If no…um, battery operated?…object is available, I pull a lefty. No doubt about it. So yeah – business on the right, party on the left.

Belle
Belle
12 years ago

Hmm. I can tell you are 30ish and I am 60 because this whole entry gave me the eewwwwws. So, no comment here – well, other than that! :) – but I will be back yet another day, hopefully with a topic more comfortable for me to read. ha.

chan
chan
12 years ago

God, you’re funny, Linda. You’re just really, really funny. I never leave comments anywhere, but my god … I couldn’t not this time. LNDO … oh, man. This is one of those posts that’s going to make me laugh out loud at random intervals for the next several days. Well done.

clover
clover
12 years ago

I may love you just a little bit more now that I know you’re a lefty — I am, the hubs is, our toddler is

As far as the *activities* L&R both have jobs, but L is extra, R is mandatory

Megan
Megan
12 years ago

I go lefty when I want to pretend there’s a stranger in my midst.

Philos
12 years ago

Although I realize this is far from the only post you’ve done that has nothing to do with your children, this is the first one to make me stop and wonder, how many people who complained when you had your first child that now the blog was just all about being a mom are still around to be reading this? ’cause boy are they missing out.

Jem
Jem
12 years ago

dominant/right here!

Karen travels
Karen travels
12 years ago

Wow, you never know what you are going to get when you click on this blog. I love it. I have never, ever, ever used my left hand for that business. So when I have arthritis in my right hand and not my left…

Bren
12 years ago

Too funny! Love the “research” you did to find the TRUTH! Ha ha!

Michelle Whitehurst
12 years ago

ROTFLMFAO!!!!!!!!! I Love You!

cupcake
cupcake
12 years ago

Like clover said above, “As far as the *activities* L&R both have jobs, but L is extra, R is mandatory.”

My TMI brother once told my then-teenaged son that he used the non-dominant hand when he wanted a little variety. And when he wanted to feel really naughty, he’d turn his hand, either one, around/over (so the thumb is close to the body and the back of the hand is, um, skyward). He called that “cheating on Rosie.”

Kim
Kim
12 years ago

This is why All & Sundry was my first, will be my last and is my everything. (I guess the post got me in a Barry White state of mind)
My husband uses his non-dominant hand and when I asked him long ago why this was he couldn’t provide an adequate answer. Armed with all this new information I finally feel, with regard to the subject matter at hand (ooh, a half-witted pun inside a vague one?), satisfied.

Brooke
12 years ago

“bang this thing out.” Totally laughed and snorted in my morning smoothie.