You start with a baby harp seal, which you hunt through the ice of eastern Greenland or the chilly Magdalen Islands with your double-barreled shotgun.

seal

(Are they . . . gone yet?)

So anyway, how about the weather? No really: Seattle is in the midst of Snowpocalypse ’10, or as our local news has been referring to it—usually via infographic while airing footage of some poor reporter shivering on the side of the road somewhere saying “Yeah, it’s totally cold as fuck, back to you Jean”—ARCTIC BLAST.

A little snow can do a whole lot of damage in Seattle, and I’ve never been so grateful to have my commuting days behind me. Yes, I may be getting slobby and (more) socially inept and frankly, kind of fat, but thank god I don’t have that shitty drive any more. Yesterday’s icy streets resulted in a horrific traffic nightmare that trapped hundreds of commuters, like my friend Mona, who was on a bus for five hours trying to get home, and my former coworker Kristina, who spent a jaw-dropping 11.5 hours stuck on I-5.

Nearly twelve hours with no water or bathroom, you guys. I just saw 127 Hours and I was like, KRISTINA TO SAVE YOURSELF YOU MAY NEED TO DRINK YOUR OWN URINE ALSO DO YOU HAVE A KNIFE.

Seriously, I feel so bad for anyone who got stuck in yesterday’s mess. What a crazy situation, and after just a few inches of snow, too. It worries me to know we live in an area that can be completely and utterly gridlocked like that—in a natural disaster, there would be no way to leave unless you had a spare Blackhawk helicopter stored in the garage.

In other words, Seattle = zombie chow.

The upside of the snow is that it’s beautiful and the boys have been loving it. Today I bundled them up, stuck them in a sled, and dragged them down the street to a park where a bunch of kids were sledding, and man, if that wasn’t one of those parenthood File: Save As moments. Riley went down the hill again and again and again, just wild with joy. Dylan rode with me, hooting “WHEEEEE!” in my ear. Just perfect.

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Christen
12 years ago

Holy shit, that opening sentence made me laugh so hard I scared my dog. Well done! Speaking of “well done” – do you have any good baby harp seal recipes? Thanks!

Penne
12 years ago

Holy crap, I was laughing so hard at the first sentence I couldn’t concentrate on the rest. Hope you and your cute family stay warm – and have a very happy Turkey Day. I will be feasting on pheasant that my 10 year old ruthlessly shot down in the prime of its fowl life.

Nolita Morgan
12 years ago

So glad that YOU weren’t stuck in that traffic and that you are happy at home. The picture of the boys is awesome (as is the baby seal)…and your lead in was great! Was 66 degrees yesterday morning here and 38 this morning…that’s Oklahoma for ya! If you don’t like the weather, wait a minute…

Lane
Lane
12 years ago

I thought appropriate protocol was to club baby seals to death?

Jealous of your snow. We only got a dusting here in Portland (another zombie-friendly city, unfortunately). Looks like it was fun!

Melanie
12 years ago

Oh dear lord, that first paragraph made me WEEP. In the best way possible.

Liz
Liz
12 years ago

Ha!

Last year when DC had the back to back blizzards, my favorite phrase I saw coined was “Snowtorious BIG”. It was horrible, unless you have no commute and you never lost heat, in which case it was AWESOME

Michelle WS
12 years ago

I like you more every day. We could definitely use some more irreverence and more willingness to ruffle feathers here in Oregon. When are you guys moving?! (I know it’s a sore subject, but we Oregonians look forward to the day!)

Crystal
12 years ago

Linda, that opening line…reason #458234 why I love you.

Courtney
Courtney
12 years ago

I literally laughed out loud at your opening line. Not the best thing to do when you work in a library.

All I have to say about the snow is the first time I visited Seattle was in 2006. I took the train up there from Los Angeles with some girlfriends to visit University of Washington. It snowed the first night we were there and I was in awe that the city basically shut down. We didn’t have a car. The buses stopped running. It sucked. And then I went back to southern California and have stayed away from snow since. :)

Pete
Pete
12 years ago

Last time we went after Seals we clubbed them. I didn’t know you could use a shotgun. Cool.
One of these days we will be able to use the Helicopter we use on Wolves. Here’s hoping.
;-)
I just changed job (for less pay) to avoid a 100 mile commute on some of the worst freeways in L.A. and I don’t miss it.

Anna Marie
Anna Marie
12 years ago

Nightmare commute story – I was 4 months pregnant when we got hit with a1/2 inch of ice. All the schools let out early as all the commuters headed out to beat the storm. It took me 8 hrs to go 21 miles. I managed to stop once for a bathroom break but after that I was stuck on the interstate loop that circles the city. Seriously considered using my travel mug but traffic was inching along *just* enough that I couldn’t put the car in park and pee. Called my husband as I got close to home and told him to open the door and turn the bathroom light on…

dani
dani
12 years ago

speaking of zombie chow, have you watched “the walking dead” yet? totally off-subject, but you must check it out. and not eat pizza while doing so.

HalynB
HalynB
12 years ago

*SNORT*
Love the opening line.

My husband got caught by the viaduct closure and was stuck on Fourth Ave for about four hours. The sad part is that when he saw that the viaduct was closed, he was tempted to go around the barricade (big 4×4 truck)since there were no cops around, but then decided that he should be law-abiding. About ten minutes later, they opened the viaduct. If he had ignored the barricade, or gotten there ten minutes later, he would have been home in half an hour. I hate this city when it snows.

I was lucky…Workplace cut us loose at noon, so I had almost no traffic on the way home.

Kym
Kym
12 years ago

I live just outside of DC and last year was fucking terrible. I believe is was referred to “snowmagedden” and the federal gov was closed for a week. Good times!

Eric's Mommy
Eric's Mommy
12 years ago

HA!!!! That first sentence just about killed me. You are freakin hysterical!
We haven’t had any snow yet and I live in New England.

Pinkie Bling
Pinkie Bling
12 years ago

OMFG the harp seal – HAHAHAHAHA.

Here in Salt Lake City we’re apparently having Snowpocalypse/Snowmageddon/Snowverkill 2010. Hide your kids, hide your wife, this snow gonna rape errybody!!

And this is a city that does not usually bat an eye at snow. Seriously. I’ve only experienced one true “snow day” during the 20 years I’ve lived here, and that was 1993, the year we got so much damn snow that roofs were collapsing under the weight. Schools, government offices, universities – everything is closing and sending people home early today. That NEVER happens. It’s crazy.

So, you know, plenty of prime sledding real estate over here, now that the boys are hooked. :)

Amanda
Amanda
12 years ago

Oh dude, the Door to Eugene just closed on you permanently. Snort.

Love it! And here in Tennessee, we are still wearing t-shirts and flip flops.

Andrea
12 years ago

Dude you so totally rock.

I hate how the first snow of the season sends everyone into a tizzy. OMG we forgot how to drive OH NO! Usually subsequent storms are better, right?

Fat, schmat. Please update your Bodies blog. You’ve been such a source of inspiration.

ginger
ginger
12 years ago

http://www.costco.com/Browse/Product.aspx?Prodid=11598873&cm_mmc=BCEmail_OnlineOffersB2CNoB-_-Focus-_-9-_-ShelfRelianceTHRIVE

Good for zombie apocalypse, for Northwest snow lockdown, and for vegan commenter invasions. 132 servings of TVP “Ham”!

#6
#6
12 years ago

I knew that baby harp seal beginning was phoney because a shotgun killing splatters blood all over and permanently ruins the precious FUR!!

Kris
12 years ago

Three years ago Enterprise Rent a Car opened a call center in Eugene. As they were setting up the classes to teach the very first phone reps, of which I was one, we had a “snow storm”. It shut down the city, with it’s whole 2 inches, including the airport. The people who had come in to train us were from the original call center in St Louis, and they informed us that nothing shut down that call center, even if it meant walking into work 2 miles uphill in the snow.

Less than a month ago I got a call that the St Louis call center was shut down, and to get online and ready to accept calls. So much for never shutting down.

They also needed to update their personnel files, as I had quit 3 years ago, when their practices put my pregnancy at risk (no bathroom breaks except for during my one break, which meant I drank less, and my amniotic fluid went too low and I had inner-uterine growth restriction from it, so I was placed on bed rest.) What a great company.

Enjoy your snow.

Victoria
12 years ago

So glad you got out sledding and didn’t have to commute! Yay you!

Amy
Amy
12 years ago

What?? No field dressed baby seals? You crack me up! But the boys look like they had a blast. Perfection!

Erica
Erica
12 years ago

holy crap, you almost had me in that first paragraph. priceless! Enjoy your snow… i’m counting the days until we get it to stay here in Southern Ontario.

Although I’m not in favour of hunting, as there are way too many inconsiderate hunters who do not respect the animals, your post, along with many pro-hunting replies, gave me a very different perspective on hunting. It’s still not something I will ever do, nor encourage my family to do, but I do understand it more and have respect for those who do it respectfully. I guess I have to say “thanks”, as I dry-heave looking at that one pic of the pool of blood at the elk’s head.

Donna
Donna
12 years ago

I heart you sooo much! I will lol for days!
Just finished telling your Aunt that I’d trade my wind and dry for your snow any day. Have fun!

Sarah Lena
12 years ago

High five, meat-eater.

trackback

[…] Seattle snowstorm, which by all accounts sounds like it was only a few inches of snow (yet one of Sundry’s friends was stuck on the road for 11 1/2 HOURS trying to get home from work!!  Can you even imagine???), I […]

Julie
Julie
12 years ago

You are amazing. I heart your blog forever.

M.A.
M.A.
12 years ago

I’m with Julie. Well said, Julie.

Sunny
Sunny
12 years ago

Christ, Sarah Palin. You’re never going to get into Eugene.

Dang, I’ve spent 14 hours trapped in a car but at least I was driving across Snoqualmie and not making a seemingly simple trek home from work. WTF, Seattle? I’ve had to pee into a venti Starbucks cup more than once while trapped on the pass or between Yakima and E-burg (on Manashtash,you don’t want to jump over the side of the road because you’re 100 ft above the ground on an overpass)….one more way I justify buying my latte.

Mrs. B
Mrs. B
12 years ago

ELEVEN AND A HALF HOURS ?!

…shit. I didn’t think anything could distract me from commenting on the hilarity of the baby seal opening, but that did it.

Jenn Perryman
Jenn Perryman
12 years ago

Watched the horrors of the Seattle commute from the comfort of my warm home in Kitsap county yesterday… That was until we lost power. 27 hours later and now they’re thinking it could be Friday before it’s restored! Still, great day sledding and sipping hot cider. And thank God for my generator and iPad.

Erin
Erin
12 years ago

I haven’t even read the rest of the entry yet but I so want to issue the ultimate internet high five for that opening line.

Erin
Erin
12 years ago

Now that I read the rest, looks like a fun day! Me and my guy (2) wandered around Ballard and shuffled through snow. Looks like I’ll be on house arrest again tomorrow since his daycare is closed–which is great because I get to hang out with him but it’s also kind of suck because I am getting so behind at work.

Mary
Mary
12 years ago

I’m in Minneapolis, and no, I’m not going to get all “We get 17 feet of snow and go outside and roll around it in!” — y’all have no equipment for snow, so no wonder that sucked. Where as we, who are good and ready for 18 gazillion feet of snow, had such a random ice storm the other night. Everything looked normal, but there was the thinnest sheet of ice that just appeared out of nowhere. We were creeping down the highway, slid to the other side of the street and hit the curb (into oncoming traffic, people) and another car barely halted within inches of a the front of our bumper head on. So: We parked and WALKED (slid?) all the way home. We never would have made it driving. This weekend, though, the pretty snow comes and once it’s all plowed, life will be a wonderland and we will introduce our kid to sledding.

Angella
12 years ago

That first sentence = comedy gold.

Elysia
12 years ago

Let’s be friends in real life.

Shawna
Shawna
12 years ago

I once tried a bite of “flipper pie” when I was in Newfoundland. It was pretty strong tasting, but not too bad, all things considered. I was just glad it was seal and not dolphin, which was my first thought when I read the menu and heard my seatmate contemplate ordering it.

Hey, at least someone eats the meat that would otherwise be wasted after they took the seal coats, right?

denese
12 years ago

You are Awesome. I live in Eugene. Totally want you here.

There is a man who dresses up as a tree and stalks around the Saturday Market, with fake leaves and stilts and all kinds of tree shit attached to his body (pardon me if you already know about him)(and pardon me Mr. Tree if you are indeed an actual Ent or whatever). So take your time but please get here by next spring because I almost pee my pants laughing NOW imagining what you say about him. And all the other Eugene ridiculousness.

Allison
Allison
12 years ago

“speaking of zombie chow, have you watched “the walking dead” yet?”

Hey dani,

http://thestir.cafemom.com/entertainment/111803/the_walking_dead_review_yes

Claire
12 years ago

Man, I am totally jealous of your snow. I hated skiing but I bet sledding rawks.

wealhtheow
12 years ago

When are you going to start posting some pictures of vegetable carnage so the rest of us can throw our little shit fits?

And dude, you guys TOTALLY stole Snowpocalypse from us DC folk.

birdgal (another amy)
birdgal (another amy)
12 years ago

A few years ago, Raleigh (NC) was brought to a standstill by, wait for it, a half inch of snow. A HALF INCH. I knew people who were stranded for 12 hours on one certain road, and others who ditched their cars and either walked home or found a hotel. I must say though, the situation was mainly caused by schools letting out early all at once and the fact that immediately after the snow fell, the sun came out and turned it all into a giant ice slick. Fun times.

Oh, and I LOVED your opening. :) Happy Thanksgiving!

warcrygirl
12 years ago

I love you man, but in a platonic way; not a creepy stalk-you-on-the-internet way. Now I need to go back and read yesterday’s comments. I like reading The Crazy.

Emma
Emma
12 years ago

God I love your sense of humor. And the fact that you hate the phone and being social like me.

June
12 years ago

Thanks for the morning chuckle! Have a wonderful holiday, from our family to yours.

Marje
Marje
12 years ago

Truly – the best kind of commute on a snowy day is the kind involving a hill and a sled.

PS) Congrats on a freezer full of meat. I didn’t get to hunt this year, and I’m bummed.

Redbecca
Redbecca
12 years ago

Stop clubbing, baby seals! (Punctuation is everything) http://www.tshirtmonger.com/tshirthell/stop-clubbing-baby-seals

But yeah, scary to know that just weather can cause traffic fail. We get that, too. Glad the boys love the snow. Hopefully we’ll get to try sledding with him this year and he’ll like it more (this past winter he just whined a lot and wanted to go back inside).

Christine
Christine
12 years ago

Wait almost 12 hours? And I watched 127 hours too, and am totally going to buy a high quality utility knife. Not that I go rock climbing, but you know, who knows what could happen! Yeesh.

Also, you kill me dead with the funny. (Much like the elk. Also the seal.)

:)

Kirsty
12 years ago

Love the opening – and yes, “they” have almost certainly all gone now! (By the way, yes, seals are usually clubbed – poor show to use a shotgun, I feel, but we forgive you all the same.)
I’ve been hearing about Seattle’s snow, even here in France and I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE GLAD TO LIVE IN THE SOUTH OF FRANCE – it’s 18°C and sunny here today: you barely need long sleeves!
I wish you and your immensely cool and adorable family a very happy, safe, snow-fun-filled Thanksgiving!
And I’m soooo jealous of this Thanksgiving thing – it all sounds like such fun!