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Archives from 2002-2006

I have a question for you. Well, first I have a statement: we own guns. Like, more than one. JB is an avid shooter and let’s just say when the zombies come we are totally prepared as far as weaponry is considered.

Every gun we own is stored in a safe. One safe is of the large standup variety and it has a bank-vault type lock, the other safe involves typing a code into a keypad type thing. Kidproof.

So here’s what I’m wondering: now that Riley’s old enough to start having school friends over, is our gun ownership (and storage details) something I should be responsible for bringing up with their parents prior to any sort of playdate? In my mind I’ve thought of this subject sort of like a food allergy—in that if your visiting kid has one, I expect you to approach me ahead of time with your concerns and requirements—but I wonder if I’m off base with that.

What do you think?

During the holidays I ate all the things and exercised exactly zero times unless you count all those bicep curls of methodically slotting one cookie after another into my food-hole, so this week is all about getting back on track with diet and fitness (again). It’s the first week of January and I am suddenly re-focused on my health, which I realize makes me quite the special snowflake, but hey, look at all the fucks I do not give about anyone’s tiresome Hipster Ariel attitude towards New Year’s goals.

Anyway, here’s the obnoxious part about trying to sneak in a workout at home with the kids:

That right there is cute for about .005 seconds and then it’s like dude can you please just move out of my way and let me get this shit done because let’s be honest, whatever you’re doing there is totally not even remotely a jumping jack. Way to phone it in, Dylan.

On the plus side, I busted out my ancient Turbo Jam DVD today and when chirpy Chalene Johnson told me to find someone to high-five, there was Riley, hovering nearby peppering me with a thousand questions (“Why does that lady have on gloves? Is this what Daddy’s gym looks like? Do you know all these people? How come your knee makes that sound?”). As I told him, I’ve worked out to that DVD probably 50 times since I bought it, and never once had someone to high-five before.

So that was nice and all, but man, escaping kid-free to the gym is much better.

I know it’s become virtually politically incorrect to talk in terms of pounds, but I need to lose about ten of Those Things Which Shall Not Be Named Because Of Course It’s All About Health and I Have More Important Interests Anyway. Ten TTWSNBNBOCIAAHAIHMIIA ago, I felt better, I looked better, and I didn’t have to surreptitiously undo a jeans button whenever I sat down.

I don’t know if I’d call it an official resolution, but I feel resolved. So long, cookies. It was nice while it lasted.

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