Feeling? Totally overrated.

I firmly believe that kids are cute so that we don’t kill them and at the same time believe that they sucker us into thinking they’re cute by some diabolical plan they have. Catch 22’s abound in child rearing.

Absolutely. But (and you know this) it would be impossible to live in that state of perfect perspective at all times. If we did, we would be exhausted and terrified and too emotionally raw to even function. Being able to get irritated at our kids is a kind of a blessing that way…or so I tell myself when I get in that guilt loop of feeling like I’m feeling the wrong feelings.

“It’s sort of ridiculous, isn’t it? How parenting so often makes you feel as though you’re not feeling the right thing at the right time.”

This, EXACTLY. I have tried to talk to my husband about this before, but I couldn’t quite verbalize it as well as you have here.

Yes. My kids were with their dad all Christmas break and I was a mess missing them. Now they’re home and I honestly don’t know if I can do it alone again, counting down the hours til bedtime. It’s hard.

It really does. It feels like every night that I can’t wait for my kids to go to bed and then, as I close the door to their bedroom behind me, I sag against it, missing them. Every day.

This exactly. I’m so glad to know that you’re all in it with me.

I’m welling up here because this is the conflict I feel all the time these days. Thank you for articulating it so well. I knew I wasn’t alone, but it’s nice to read your post on the subject.

Ugh! Yes! After the CT shootings I felt sooooo blessed just to be able hug my kid that night…followed by tears of guilt that others suddenly couldnt. Then in like an hour I was totally irritated with his typical 2 year old behavior and snapped at him…and immediately burst into tears of guilt and shame. It was like being in an intensified state of what you discribe here and what is normally more stretched out from day to day. It was difficult to handle the rollercoaster and made me feel just as sick. I completely get what your saying here.

EXACTLY! That’s all, just wanted to say that you have summed up my life- not feeling the right thing at the right time.

Me too.

I hope to remember all of these comments tonight when I’m trying to get my toddler to quit fighting sleep, then missing him and feeling guilty an hour later.

OH YES! I bawled my eyes out this weekend because my daughters were with their dad (darn PMS hormones) and when I picked them up, I was scolding them by bedtime. And then felt terribly guilty because I had missed them all weekend and couldn’t hang on to my patience for even one night. GAH!

This is the most perfect sentence ever, ever, ever when it comes to parenting!

“parenting so often makes you feel as though you’re not feeling the right thing at the right time. “

Exactly! You’ve perfectly described the frustrating roller coaster of parenthood, at least as it is in my world too. Thank you!

One minute I’m snapping at them to get moving, would you put your shoes on already?! and then the next I am bemoaning at how fast five years have gone by already and oh, they will be grown and gone in a blink.

The middle of the night wakeups (what, you can’t go to the bathroom by YOURSELF any more? REALLY, kid?) are so incredibly frustrating — and yet part of me thinks, of course, get up and hold her hand to get to the potty, share that quiet moment tucking her in to bed when she won’t quite let go of my hand as she drifts back to sleep, as these moments will be gone soon.

ARGH. I keep reminding myself (with help from my counselor) that every parent feels this, it’s normal, and that I’m a good parent, even if sometimes I’m snippy and impatient. I’m enough, and the ups will come with the downs, and the roller coaster will continue and we’ll all be ok.

Love this post (and all of them, really) – thank you Linda!

I REALLY needed to read this tonight. Thank you. Perspective restored, and I should probably go apologize to the teenager now. One would hope by the third one I’d have got it right, but I don’t seem to.

I am pregnant with my first child and, quite naturally, parenting is on my mind! I have no idea what lies ahead or what to expect navigating all this. I am an older mom-to-be (37), but feel so unprepared for this transition. I enjoy reading about parenting experiences a lot more these days and especially enjoy your perspective.

I’ve read your blog since the Diaryland days. I don’t read many blogs anymore, but have stayed with you because of how real and relatable your writing is.

Thanks for continuing write and share!

I’ve never read anyone that explains exactly what I’ve always thought as well as you do…how do you do that?

Yesyesyes, a thousand times yes.

Just went through this Monday. Heading back to school after the holiday break and my kid is super sensitive and all that and he was sad about going back to school and so I was silently anxious about if he would have a meltdown and cry or cling as I took him to his Kindergarten class…then as I was driving I thought about the parents and kids and teachers returning to school in Connecticut….and I breathed a huge sigh of relief that my anxiety and issues were less than a grain of sand compared to their emotions and I looked at my Dude in the rearview mirror all sad about going to school after a long holiday break and I said “Honey, it’s ok. It’ll be great” and it was …… and my perspective on my anxieties and life etc…were greatly shifted. This happens about, a BILLION like you said…times a day :-)

Hear that? It’s the sound of you hitting the nail on the head. I don’t comment often, but do always read, and I just want to say kudos to you for always putting out there what the rest of us are feeling. It’s always nice to know you’re not alone.

I feel this way all. the. time. Particularly on difficult mornings, when I’m trying, trying, trying to just get him out the door and sometimes I get very snapish and angry at him for not MOVING and then I drop him off and he waves to me out the window and blows tons of kisses and I get to work a whole 5 minutes late (where, mind you, no one cares) and I think WTH was my problem? And I try to remember that for the next time and then I don’t. Ugh. Parenting.

I have also been feeling like this a lot lately. When I am by myself, I think about all the things I want to do better and how I should be toward my children, and then I come home and the place is a mess, they are covered in chocolate, the dog hasn’t been let out and I lose my mind and just start nagging them before even saying hello. And then I feel like shit. I am trying to forgive myself for these moments, no one is perfect, but it is so hard. Thank you for letting me know that I am not alone. THat even the best parents get irritated with their children.

Beautifully put. Really. I feel something similar to this a million times a day.

Exactly.

I don’t think it’s just parenting. I think it’s loving another, which requires that you put them ahead of yourself much of the time. Then you’re in that tug of war between what you want for you and what you want for them. I lost my dog last week. She was such a challenging being much of the time and I regret every impatient moment I had with her. But that’s the cost of loving anything–even yourself. You ride the pendulum between gratitude and exasperation.

I am there too. Oldest is almost 10 and on the cusp. I swing wildly between wanting to hold on to these last moments of childhood and spend time with him and enjoy the moment and wanting to throttle his eyerolling, attitude having, homework bitching tween self. Youngest is 3 and I simultaneously can’t wait for her to get a bit older and more independent and want her to stay little and huggable and emotionally unguarded forever. Parenting is going to push me over the edge one way or the other.

Oh yes yes, I remember sobbing because the childrens hospital couldnt fit my 6 week old in dermatology for 4-5 months when everything i read said that most rapid growth of hemangiomas happen in the first 3-6 mths (spoiler alert-hers was on her face but stayed dime-nickel size NO BIG DEAL)… and then when we walked into that hospital down all those halls, all the sudden that strawberry/burgundy birthmark on her face made me feel like the most fucking shallow person on the planet. Nothing gives you a moment of perspective like a walk thru the childrens hospital.

Yeeessss. The day of the Connecticut shootings, I wanted/needed my kids. So I left work early, picked them up from daycare and took them out for cupcakes – determined to spend some time together as a kinder, gentler sort of mom. Then they started screaming “Shake your booties!” and running around the cupcake shop and … well. “Kinder, gentler” went out in favor of the yelling, the hissing, the grabbing and the still ongoing guilt loop.

Just chiming in to say “yes!” and how much I look forward to your posts for just this reason – summing up what I feel as a mom/parent/wife/working mom/mom to a boy/etc… Thank you and keep doing what you’re doing.

Children mess with our sense of time. The months and years fly by, but there are individual moments and hours and days that are endless and crazy-making.

I know what you mean. I have five kids. Most days feel like a struggle just getting through them. And yet I know I’ll miss these days. I want to enjoy them, and I DO, but most of the time I just feel weary and stressed.

Your posts are cathartic. i come here to give my soul peace. Each one speaks to me but this one really did today.

So spot on, thank you for saying it so well.

NOT ridiculous! This hits close to home for me, I’m not a parent but a friend of mine passed away last week on a hiking trip and ever since I have been so anxious about the “small stuff.”

I am going on a trip this weekend (it’s more of an ‘eating and drinking trip’ than a hiking trip) but I feel SO CONFLICTED. I feel guilty about going and having a good time but mostly I feel guilty that I am worrying about all of the usual travel shit that I always do (“WHAT IF I GET FOOD POISONING/FLIGHT DELAYS/MUGGED/LOSE MY DRIVERS LICENSE/FEEL SICK/GET A MIGRAINE” BLAH BLAH BLAH when she never worried about a thing an then…died.

Anyway, sorry to treat your blog like a therapy session, but the bottom line here is that I know how you feel.

Oh I know. I remember when my son was born and thinking “I’ll never be able to leave him in daycare.” Then at the three month mark him driving me so insane I couldn’t wait to get back to work. Then, dropping him off the first day of daycare and weeping all the way to work. Fast forward to Fall of 2009 when we left him at college six hours away. I cried half of the way home and on and off for the next week. Fast forward to today. He went back to college and I hugged him goodbye in the Wendy’s parking lot after we had lunch without a tear. And yes, he pissed me off royally several times over Christmas break but love always wins.

I read an Prevention article on Jamie Lee Curtis today where she said “Parenting is so difficult because its the only relationship in your life where the goal is separation.”

I will try to hug my daughter more than I yell at her her tonight ;).

Bingo! Thanks for that.

All the time. It’s an endless cycle. They go to bed (two girls ages 4 & 8) and I swear I will be better tomorrow-more patient, more fun, less anal. Morning comes and the yelling and frustration starts again. It’s exhausting and before I know it another year has passed. Mommy guilt makes the world go round!
I really enjoy your blog and the comments are always great too. Your twitter is one of my favorites as well. Thanks for articulating what I’m usually feeling!

Sept 2012 was the first september in 27 years I didn’t have a kid going back to an educational establishment. I cried. Ridiculous yeah?? but i totally get what you mean:)

[…] before about perspective using the humour of The Bloggess as a framework. In her post ”At Odds“,  Linda from All & Sundry also recently tackled the notion of perspective as it […]

This beautifully sums up the seemingly minute to minute internal struggle I have been experiencing lately on the final countdown to #2 arriving. A mix of unbelievably lucky, grateful, and terrified. I too, count the minutes until bedtime most days these days. And when he is asleep, I miss him. UGH! My heart.

Last night? Watched Sophie’s Choice. Ran up to watch sleeping children and my heart hurt because we’re so lucky. This morning? Almost beat someone for not getting their boots on fast enough.

I’m just starting to resign myself to the fact that I ain’t no Dalai Lama.

wow, exactly!

Brilliant! When I feel the “i’m not winning the international parent of year award” sensation coming on, I remember this great quote from some celebrity (which of course makes him worthy of the international parent of year award because he’s FAMOUS) but it is still a great quote: “if you’re not yelling at your kids, you’re not spending enough time with them.”

Oh man YES. YES YES YES. I experience this daily, and often– seriously– within the same five minutes. And oh the fun guilt trips and self-flogging when realizing I’ve been irrationally irritated by my children AGAIN. So tough, to live in perspective.

I’ve been reading your blog since you were pregnant with Riley and I was carrying my own baby boy. They are just days apart in age from what I remember. I’m chiming in now just to say that my boy is one of those kids at a children’s hospital and it has been the most perspective building experience of my life. One day he was annoying the crap out of me with those trails of legos everywhere and his need to punctuate every moment with an explosion sound, the next he was hooked up to an IV, a prisoner in his own body. I would take back every time I ever barked at him to “sit still” for one more chance to see him tear through the house and be the way a seven year old boy should be – loud, annoying, stinky and healthy. I hope I get to see that again soon.

I literally, just 5 minutes ago, finished a very difficult letter to a family friend whose 26 year old son committed suicide just after Christmas. I have 2 boys of my own, 18 and 15, and am heartbroken for this mother. My point is that I think we are given these “opportunities” in life to really appreciate what we do have, be it from the smallest gratitude to the biggest. It’s hard to feel gratitude ALL the time, when you feel like wringing their necks for bad decision making, but then something makes us put it in perspective. I always have to believe that something good has to come out of something bad. My 2 cents….

Ugh, yes, me too. Like the work days where I miss my boys so much it hurts, and I can’t wait to see them. And then they whine and cry and fight all the way home, and I can’t wait until bedtime! And then I feel so sad because didn’t I just want to be with them? Why am I wishing that away already? How can the four short hours I’m with them after work and before bedtime be too long/too much/too stressful/too everything? What kind of mother am I?

And then I realize that I’m every kind of mother. And I hug my boys when I feel like it and refrain from throttling them the other times, and I just hope I’m doing somewhat ok by them.

LW – So, so sorry for your sweet, precious boy.

Anon – you’re right. Linda’s posts are a form of catharsis for me as well.

I try to forgive myself for those snippy, angry moments as much as I can & learn from them because God knows we all have them from time to time & I’m never, ever gonna make it to perfect. If I can manage to at least BE PRESENT for my kids the majority of the time, I try to cut myself some slack.